PIL & SIL visiting new baby

[Meganlp]

DH’s parents and sister live in America and have planned to visit us 4 weeks after my due date. I’m aware baby could be early or late meaning could be anywhere between 2-6 weeks old roughly.
As they’re coming from America they’re staying for 10 days, they have booked an Airbnb nearby as DH said it was too much for them to stay with us. We don’t live anywhere near any of DH’s extended family so they will only be here to see us and nobody else.

I don’t know if I’m being irrational but I’m really dreading it. I’m of course more than happy for them to meet the baby, but I wish this was going to be them popping in for a couple of hours one day and then leaving. The thought of having to spend days on end with them is making me anxious. We had IVF and there were times I never thought I’d have a baby so I’m not sure if that’s making me feel worse about it. I want to be able to shut off from the world and enjoy the first few weeks of our babies life as a family, I feel like I have to share it with them.

I do feel really selfish but I just can’t shake the feeling and I’m not sure what to do about it. Do I need to try and get over this asap or is it normal to feel like this?

They can't pop by as they're passing. They live in America. But also they won't want to spend every waking hour with you stop panicking.

They will want to go out for meals and enjoy their holiday as well as being with you.

Set clear boundaries when they are there. That's your DHS role

You need boundaries. And make sure you have a way to communicate with your dh or somewhere you can go with baby and not be disturbed.

If you are planning on breast feeding this can be difficult for the first few weeks while your boobs get used to it and you find a rhythm. I remember I had engorgement I just wanted to sit there topless with wet flannels on my chest... my dh had to deal with any visitors if I wasn't properly dressed. I also had a different room I could feed in until I felt comfortable with latching in front of others but some people don't ever like feeding in front of anyone else. .

I get their excitement but it will be alot for you to deal with when you Need to concentrate on baby and healing

Why do people ....mums on here....hate their in laws so much.? ..they are your partner's family. Do partners have no say or feelings it must be awful to know your family are not wanted if they don't live in this country I'm sure a one off visit will include them going to see stuff as well as you...be happy for your oh who wants his family just as much as you want yours.

I agree with the people who have posted so far saying that your DH needs to be champion here, not just for you but for his baby. He too will want to have the time to bond with his baby without interference from his family.

Time to hoike up the big boy pants and for him to phone them back and say that they just can't come when they are planning to but you will be delighted and excited to see them 4 weeks later than the time they are planning to visit. Keep saying that the time that they picked doesn't work for him or you at this stage, they really aren't going to be missing anything much by waiting for 4 weeks but he will be missing out on loads if he is expected to be host (even if they aren't staying with you). It's just 4 weeks later than originally planned, not 4 years!

Are they planning on hiring a car when they are here? It seems like they would have woken up each morning, had breakfast and descended on your home for the remainder of the day until they decided to return to their AirBnB to sleep. That doesn't work for a new family trying to establish a new routine.

I was back at work about then I don't get no visitors as long as there not staying over or ill

I think making yourself uptight about it will just make everything worse. You can only do what you can do. They've booked an air b and b so it sounds like they're fairly considerate.

Just don't think about it, you don't know how you're going to feel after the birth. If you're not feeling up to seeing them on certain days of their visit just say, you can't be responsible for how they feel about what you need.

There will be no problem with DH calling them on particular days and saying "we just need a rest today, hopefully see you tomorrow " and if they have a problem with that, they're twats who aren't worth worrying about.

But these are exactly the sort of issues that are made bigger the more you think about it and if you keep worrying, you'll be resenting them so much by the time they even arrive that you won't even enjoy things that you maybe would have if it hadn't have become such an issue in your head. Predicting how all this will pan out won't get you anywhere. As long as DH explains what you and the baby need come first to them and there maybe some days you're not up for visitors, it will be fine if they're decent people.

We're mid this now, sort of. FIL has flown over to help with DC1. DC2 was due on Saturday but no sign yet.

He's great, he's cooking for us and he's not a difficult guest but oh dear god he's driving DP and me a bit nuts just by being here. I wish he would go and see the sights while we're waiting for baby. All I want to do is lie in my PJs and not have conversations. I've already moved from "would you like..." to "sure, you know where the kettle is".

Previous advice to set expectations is great advice.

But this entirely depends on what they’re like. A MIL who will respectfully ask what she can do to help and crack on, is one thing. In laws who have ignored requests to delay a bit and are coming as a group of 3 and intend to be in your house every day is quite another. Ours visited briefly on day 2 in the hospital- wanted to come on the same day but DH said no as I only delivered late morning and had a second degree tear and was bleeding quite a bit, and they were at a wedding the next day. They next saw him when we took him over there at 5 weeks. My dad visited for a couple of separate days in that time but made both of us lunch and gave me space to feed. I couldn’t have coped with family there every day.

I wouldn’t have this at all. The newborn bubble is precious. They sound like entitled dickheads and I’d refuse to facilitate it.

We saw family twice for a few hours in the first month. That was plenty.

They need to make alternative plans for most of the 10 days. Three or four short visits might be ok, but that would be it. They can sod off the rest of the time. This is not about them.

Practice saying
‘No’
’That doesn’t work for us’
’That won’t be possible’

This sounds way too much. 10 days?! My in-laws pestered us to visit our IVF newborn and I bitterly regret letting them get to me and affect my mood.

It could be lovely, but it's a bit sooner than ideal and I think the warning signs are there in that your husband doesn't want them to stay with you and they disregarded his request to come later on.

The problem is that relationships can be ruined forever by what happens in the early days.

I would see how it goes but firstly don't be afraid to hold onto your baby and take them out of the room if needed, and secondly be assertive about asking them to help and asking them to leave. There's nothing worse than feeling resentful. Better to say what you feel (politely)

We saw family twice for a few hours in the first month. That was plenty.

My second was born during lockdown, my parents live hours away and my dad was very ill and we still saw them more than that.

I dunno, maybe this is cultural or something, but shutting grandparents out like this is so alien to me.

They weren’t shut out! I saw them roughly weekly after that on mat leave (until lockdown) but the first month DH was on paternity leave and we wanted just time on our own. It was lovely, just doing our own thing as a three.

They see DD as much as they like now, usually twice a month as we aren’t local and I’m at work (1.5hrs) but no restrictions.

If the baby is on time or thereabouts, the OP and her husband will have had almost a month with the baby on their own. Certainly, I wasn't up for many visitors in the first two weeks but it was entirely different after four weeks. The initial 'baby bubble' had started to dissipate by then too.

I agree with the advice about setting expectations early (but be aware that your feelings might change by the time they arrive) and encouraging a spot of sightseeing, but some of this advice is loopy. Telling the baby's grandparents they can only visit for an hour a day after they've flown from the US? Phoning them up and saying 'sorry, you can't come?'

No wonder people have such bad relationships with their families on this forum.

They want to see their new grandchild, they are not staying in your home and it’s only 10days. I’m sorry but I think you’ll just have to suck this one up. It might be a god send them coming and helping out a bit, cooking meals, holding baby so you can rest might not all be doom and gloom. I bet you DH is excited to show off his new little family unit.

It probably is cultural to some extent. Many first time parents nowadays are older and have been living independently from parents for more than ten years, probably seeing them a few times a year. There's no particular reason why having a baby means that you now want to spend all your weekends with the baby's grandparents. It's time when I could be doing something more enjoyable.

For people who previously had a close relationship and saw each other all the time that's different, it would be weird to stop seeing them after having a baby.

It's time when I could be doing something more enjoyable.

Ouch.

I had my DC mid/late 30s, ILs are an hour away, mine 2.5 hours away. But of course the arrival of a baby changes things and they wanted to see the babies.

I was back at work full time around the six week mark. One of my friends was dead on her feet for three months.

The possible range of experience is huge. You might have a ten day old when they arrive or your baby might be heading for three months. You might have the easiest delivery in the world or a multi-day nightmare. You might get floored with PND, or be bubbling with joie de vivre. Feeding might be completely natural, or it might be impossible.

Do you have the sort of MIL you can have a honest chat with? Your DH might not get it, but she should. They're excited about their newest family member and that's fantastic but them planning to spend multiple hours per day all ten days could be either the best thing in the world, the worst, completely impossible or, most likely, just enough of an issue at a vulnerable time that it leaves you frustrated and resentful.

I'd be honest about that, with her. Say you're worried, there's so much uncertainty. You know they're excited, but it might not happen and can they please make sure they're flexible to that. You'll know by her reaction to that how much you need to set boundaries, I think, but most people aren't monsters and you might find she gets it and becomes a useful ally and an experienced pair of hands.

Travelling from America, what length of visit would you expect? A long weekend?

Good advice.

Advise them that you will be very tired and that you will retire to your bedroom with the baby at regular intervals to feed and rest and that they shouldn't be offended by this.

Spell it out clearly and do it.

Knowing you can escape visitors can really help.

Fucking hell there are some batshit people on here. I’d be gutted if my son told me I couldn’t visit my grandchild until they were 12 weeks. It’s 10 days ffs not 10 weeks! They’re not even staying with the OP!

I know the MN massive likes to assume all women are housebound for months following childbirth but for the vast majority of women that’s just not the case. Why plan for the worst?

They are coming all the way from America - you really can't impose one hour per day visits. Well, you can, but it will irreparably damage the relationship! They are excited and on the whole this is much better than having family who don't give a shit. I think it's great they are staying elsewhere and obviously you should retire to your room with the baby if you need a break but it's 10 days, not a few months.
Try to calm down a bit and take a more chilled approach - the more you hype it up in your mind as a big deal, the more stressed you'll feel and that's not good for you.

I had this when I had my son recently.

FIL lives in Europe and wanted to come 4 weeks after due date ( he stays with us for 10 days ) He hadn't been for almost 3 years due to covid.

Had to put my foot and say no as DH didnt seem to have a problem with it.

He came when baby was 12 weeks old.

Personally, I think you're being unfair. Unless there's some massive back story about how they are rude, entitled, unhelpful etc, I would see this as them making a huge effort to come and see you, DH and the baby and doing so in a way that's quite considerate - 10 days is not that long considering the distance they've travelled, they're staying at an air bnb etc.

The only really important part that needs to be clear is that your Dh has to take on the "hosting" duties. So if meals need to be cooked or people need to be entertained, it's on him.

Assuming they're nice people it will probably be nice to have them here. We found grandparents were brilliant for leaving the baby sleeping on a warm body (neither of mine would sleep alone during the day) while I had a shower/ did a little chore or whatever. And going out for a little lunch with extended family with the newborn is actually lovely.

Don't borrow trouble. Be clear in your own mind that you won't kill yourself to accommodate them but try to see this as a positive. I'm currently worrying the tmy brother and SIL will be upset becuase we're not able to visit them and their newborn until baby is about 3 months!

YABU. They are coming to see the baby. They aren't asking you to put them up for 10 days, chances are they won't see you all for a long time after.