PIL & SIL visiting new baby

[Meganlp]

DH’s parents and sister live in America and have planned to visit us 4 weeks after my due date. I’m aware baby could be early or late meaning could be anywhere between 2-6 weeks old roughly.
As they’re coming from America they’re staying for 10 days, they have booked an Airbnb nearby as DH said it was too much for them to stay with us. We don’t live anywhere near any of DH’s extended family so they will only be here to see us and nobody else.

I don’t know if I’m being irrational but I’m really dreading it. I’m of course more than happy for them to meet the baby, but I wish this was going to be them popping in for a couple of hours one day and then leaving. The thought of having to spend days on end with them is making me anxious. We had IVF and there were times I never thought I’d have a baby so I’m not sure if that’s making me feel worse about it. I want to be able to shut off from the world and enjoy the first few weeks of our babies life as a family, I feel like I have to share it with them.

I do feel really selfish but I just can’t shake the feeling and I’m not sure what to do about it. Do I need to try and get over this asap or is it normal to feel like this?

I think 10 days isn't bad, they're not staying with you so boundaries have already been set.

Once they've had their 10 days, you won't see them for a long time presumably?

Why is no-one else mentioning the DH or what he can do to help here? It is not all down to the newborn's mother!

Maybe because the op complaining her DH?

Only as in the responses are directed at her personaly as she is the one posting

Sounds like they are coming, whether you want them to or not.
Make sure husband is onside with you both prioritising having time as parents together. Don't let him be swayed into hosting his family at a time when you need him. Is he on paternity leave?

Hopefully they have planned some activities for themselves?
There's no need for the inlaws to visit you everyday. Try to make their visits more of an organised event than a drop-in. Husband can make them tea and you two can open baby gifts. Resist any temptation to make them feel at home in your home; it's hard if you're a naturally warm person, but this isn't the time to be encouraging anyone to see you as hosts.

If you feel you need to go upstairs to feed baby when they are there, husband needs to make sure you aren't followed by a well-meaning relative for a chat or advice. Alert him to it beforehand and he can be ready.

Don't let them handle baby too much if it makes you uncomfortable. Get them all to wash hands as they come in.

If he's going to see them, decide in advance when he's coming back, so you don't struggle alone, waiting.

I feel it is a mumsnet theory that you stay in bed all day and sleep/rest and people only come and visit for an hour.

yes it’s tiring. I tore badly and it was sore for the first 2 weeks, however, I had my family to visit for a week and it was wonderful and the same with my etch’s. If baby is born early or on time they will be older. By 4/6 weeks old I was back at the gym, out and about most days with baby, meeting up with friends and enjoying life.

I visited the neighbours to show off baby at 2 days old and went to a wedding all day with baby at 10 days old.

just bare jn mind not everyone feels terrible and wants to stay isolated as a family unit

It’s true. I wanted to be out and about loads quite early on. I also enjoyed seeing people. Not everyone likes to sit in bed for 6 weeks just because they’ve had a baby.

dd was a crier. She had a bad birth and cried a lot. She also wouldn’t sleep if she wasn’t being held. Day or night. Extra arms for this purpose were gratefully received. Ds was easy as pie, which meant I felt great and had lots of energy, I would have been super bored just sitting in bed.

see how you feel and act accordingly. It’ll be fine.

OP, I had a few of DH's family in the weeks after ours was born and I found it very hard. I understood they were excited and wanted to see baby. But I was exhausted, recovering from a C-section, some birth trauma and did feel annoyed by their constant presence when I just wanted space and privacy. They however clearly wanted to have their turn to be the baby's caregiver. When baby cried they would rush to pick her up and try to soothe her when she just needed me. They constantly wanted to play with her when as a newborn she just wanted to sleep, which meant I just wanted to sleep. They prepared food they like, a main ingredient of which I am allergic to, so i was made an alternative side dish, which they would also eat so I was eating tiny meals with bread and they would lecture me for eating unhealthy snacks. They had lots of advice on what we should do, which they had no problem expressing.

I am not saying this will happen to you (DH has very intense family dynamics), your situation could be lovely. But I would definitely avoid letting it happen. I think it is wise for you to make your boundaries from the outset. If they are considerate and respectful they should understand this. So tell DH what you can manage and what you can't as he is going to have to be the one to tell his family. He needs to intervene if you are getting overwhelmed. This will hopefully ensure the visit is enjoyable for everyone.

I feel you. My MIL came ten days post partum and didn't acknowledge that my body was still recovering and treated the baby like he was older and could go everywhere with them. They were not helpful at all. I'm sure she didn't understand that if the baby went somewhere then I had to as well and we were progmarched out everywhere with me learning quick how to breastfeed in public.

Next time we are going to full on lie about the due date. Anyone who comes within two weeks needs to understand that that time is for the Mother and baby to bond and it's not a time for GP to spend ages with the baby and the baby will not behave how they want it to.

If the visit ends up being just two weeks PP then you have to get your partner to make them see that the baby will be constantly attached to the Mother and not much fun and any visitors need to just help instead of parading the baby around.

Perhaps try and reframe this as they are loving parents desperate to give their son and DIL a hug , say congratulations , support them and meet their new grandchild.

my parents and i laws came the day and day after DS was born . I would have been hurt if they didn’t.

Tell them that you are happy they are coming but anxious about needing privacy and space at the same time . They might be wonderful and help DH while you have some sleep. You will need help and rest in the first month.

You need an advocate on hand who isn’t afraid to politely upset people by asking them to leave when they’ve outstayed their welcome. For me, it was my sister. She told people that it was time to go home when she could see id had enough.

How lovely for your DC that they have people willing to travel across the globe to meet them.

It's booked now, they have to visit at some point. Give them a chance and you might be pleasantly surprised, if not then at least after 10 days there is an entire ocean between you!

DH did ask them to come when baby was 12+ weeks but they ignored this and booked for 4 weeks after due date

Okay. So tell them thah doesn’t work for you so if they’re going to insist on coming at 4 weeks PP they won’t be able to see you and will need to come back. They’ll change their booking.

If they’re annoyed about it then they shouldn’t have ignored you in the first place.

On the plus side at least once their visit is done you won’t have to deal with them just dropping in whenever they feel like it, it’s always during the worst times too like first thing in the morning or at bed time!

I agree with those saying set their expectations now. The visit is booked but they can come over to yours when you are feeling up to it and they leave when you ask. It could be good to have some extra pairs of hands but on your terms.

When dd had our dgc we booked an air bnb but always texted to check beforehand if they wanted us to visit.
We also invited a friend to the air bnb for a few days and did trips out with them.
You need to be firm.
My dd was very strict on her boundaries.

Your only responsibilities are to take care of your baby and recover. All hosting is on your dh. If you need a rest, vanish with baby. Doesn’t matter if they just arrived five minutes prior.

If they wanted a baby who’s schedule was more settled and a DIL who was more up to being sociable, then they ought to have visited at twelve weeks as they were told, instead of ignoring your dh and coming at four.

They are excited about their son having a baby. It sounds like it hasn't been an easy journey for you making them all the more excited to see this baby. Yes of course it would be easier if it was a one day trip but since they live abroad it was never going to be like that.

You need to set some plans in motion with your dh. So cooking whilst they are over is his job, he can get in groceries that they might like. He can keep lunches simple or go out with them, use the dishwasher so minimal cleaning. If you are intending on breastfeeding set up your bedroom as a safe haven so you can nip up and escape or rest when you need to. I'd do this even if bottle feeding tbh as it gives you a bit of a break. Arrange a time by which they can come over so midday for example if they push back he responds with needing to rest etc each and every time. Newborns and sleep disturbance will be new for you both and it's harder to feel like a good host when you feel put upon. If they overstay their welcome put on your pjs and take baby up for the night.

Each and every time I have a baby I want to keep them close so whilst I'm ok with people holding baby for a few hours I want them back to do feeds myself (last two were bottle fed). My sister on the other hand has had the one child and she was happy for my mum and her mil to whisk him off and do feeds, nappy changes so she could rest. Each mother is different and however you feel is valid but you won't know till baby arrives.

I think the key is to be a greatful that they have come such a way to see their grandchild and be hospitable but you also want to look back on it as a pleasant time and not feel upset. Having boundaries in place and knowing how you will tackle things will help.

A lot will depend on whether they’re actually helpful. My MIL lives abroad and is an absolute saint: does the dishes, hangs up the laundry, tidies the garden. Just sees what needs doing and does it. And doesn’t push herself forward in terms of the baby if that makes sense. So if your DH can try and get them thinking that they’re here to help and how to actually be helpful, it could be a good thing.

Yes normal to feel like this but don’t go phoning them and preparing them to only see the baby occasionally. After a couple of weeks you’ll be more aware of your and the baby’s needs. Prep DH to speak up on your behalf when it’s just too much for you but also take advantage of it. When DD was newborn I loved plonking her in someone’s arms so she was happy and settled and either having a cuddle with DH on the couch(something you don’t get to do much of when one of you is always holding the baby) or going and doing something ‘normal’ like make a cup of tea. Or even give the baby a feed the. Go sleep knowing baby is looked after. Babies at that age don’t care who they are cuddled by! After a couple of days of sitting around they will probably get a bit fed up and start planning days out themselves

I remember having similar feelings as you. I was in such a state after the birth and overwhelmed with the crying and not sleeping I was surprised when I felt panicked when they'd leave in the evening to go back to their hotel! When baby arrives, you may feel differently. It would be good to set some boundaries you're comfortable with when they arrive and there's no harm in saying "right, I need to get out for some fresh air, where should we go?". They'll likely just go with it.

Will your dh be off? If not can he book a few days off to take them out and give you a break and at weekends. Also do use them to your day- have a nap/bath. Get them doing cooking etc. I wouldn't be keen either. Your dh needs to be clear on boundaries so there's no confusion.

It really all depends. If it's a not v close family where you have to host them and do dinners etc then yes it would be a pita. However if they are decent folk that muck in then you might be glad of it. My MIL flew home after my first and we called her in a panic 5 days after he was born because he literally hadn't settled for 12 hours. She drove straight round, swaddled him and settled him in 2 minutes and sent us to bed for hours while she tidied, did washing and made us soup for when we woke up. When my second got out of hospital she stayed with us for a week and took my eldest out to soft play, made freezer meals for us, took the baby out in the pram so I could play with my DS and sent me to bed to rest as DH was working crazy hours at that time.
In contrast my DF came the week after her and sat around then waited for his meals and was clearly bored at the fact I wasn't really in the humour to host him.

I would make it very clear that although it will be nice to see them, they have deliberately ignored DH request to come over when baby is 12 weeks. 4 weeks after your due date you may only just have delivered! I would not want visitors at that stage. This is completely of their own making so don’t feel any hesitation in putting in boundaries. They can visit for one hour each day, but they can’t stay for hours as you will be tired, and needing to establish breastfeeding etc. You will not be providing any meals as you will be very tired and your priority is baby. They can make themselves and you a sandwich and a cuppa while they are here, but you will not be waiting on them. Use the hour they visit to have a shower, and don’t offer endless cups of tea!

It’s nice they are excited but it’s really selfish of them and rather rude to ignore your husbands request.

I feel a bit sorry for them, they will be thinking that four weeks after the birth of their grandchild is long enough to give you some initial space and will be very excited, as equally excited as your own parents would be. I think just be nice and set some boundaries in terms of visiting. You might also appreciate the help.

Is your DH having a couple of weeks off after the baby comes?

if that is all he is having then it is really selfish of them to encroach upon that time. You won’t get it back. I agree with setting an hour a day limit - then if you do feel better than you expect you can arrange longer visits or trips out, but you won’t be committing to this in advance.

You don’t know what kind of delivery you will have. With my first, I ended up with an emergency section, then developed an infection and also really struggled to establish breastfeeding and spent a lot of time with no top on, trying to make it work. Strangely enough, didn’t want to make conversation with visitors in those few weeks or get out and about much.

However, you might have an uncomplicated birth and be feeling sociable and want to show the baby off.

12 weeks would have been much more sensible and as your in laws have chosen to ignore that then you shouldn’t worry about their feelings, prioritise your own feelings instead.

We had something similar in that FIL died, so we had to spend weeks 3 and 5 of our firstborns life staying with MIL. It was hellish being ‘on show’ the whole time (and my MIL is lovely). I also think that it was a big part of the difficulties I had breastfeeding. I would recommend you DH have a strongly worded chat with them to rebook their trip for 6 weeks later.