To be at wits end with DS?

[PixieAndProsecco]

This isn't an aibu but I've nowhere else to turn to.

My DS is 12, turning 13 this summer, and I am at my wits end. He is about 5ft3 and built - so not a small child - and this is relevant.

For as long as I can remember he will blow up over the smallest things. By blow up I mean shout, scream, throw things, refuse to do things and so on.
The older he's become the worse it has become - he can become verbally hurtful and aggressive, often 'squaring up' to adults but never getting physical.

He has refused to attend school because his hair won't sit the way he wants and there is nothing I can do. He is too big for me to move, I cannot drag him out the house. If he refuses then he refuses.

His attitude and behaviour to being asked to do things or when he is spoken to about how he speaks to others is disgusting. He shrugs, walks away, rolls his eyes, mimics etc and then eventually storms off.
He lies constantly to family and friends, sneaks food, takes care of nothing (constantly leaving platea and rubbish in his room, not putting clothes away, everything left at his bum).
He can be vile to his grandparents too.

At the weekend he threatened to leave the house because he was told he couldn't go out. I had to move away from the door and he barged out, no phone or jacket, and off he went. He eventually went to my parents house but my heart was in my mouth trying to track him down.

He's moved school recently (less than a month) and I have had 1 email, 1 phone call and a visit all because of his behaviour. He is a bright boy but this is being overlooked constantly.

We take his phone from him, we stop him going out with friends, we "ground" him essentially as a result of his actions and there is no change to his behaviour.

I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells. Just now he has tripped the fuse because he "needs" to straighten his hair before bed and then in the morning. His straighteners have stopped working as a result and he's already started the "I'm not going to school" tomorrow nonsense. I got a mouthful of abuse when I told him you don't need to do your hair before bed and in the morning.

We are all so done. The slightest thing and he kicks off ridiculously. We have consequences and they don't work. I am verbally abused every single day. I am scared he will snap one day and physically assault myself or his step-dad. I am scared he will run away from home.

I know that there has been some trauma, especially regarding his dad (not physical or sexual) and this may be resulting in some his behaviour. However this behaviour has also existed long before these issues.

We've told school but he isn't engaging with them.
We've approached the GP and they've just said it's not an issue.
At his choice he has no contact with his own dad.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm convinced there is more to it than just being a horrible person but there is nowhere to go, no one to help.

I already know that tomorrow morning it's going to be awful and I can't face it.

Re the aggression. Plenty of yes you're angry. It's not ok to trash your room. Yes it's ok to be angry but I am horrified by your behaviour. And on. And on. You need to open up the communication.

How to talk so kids will listen. Useful book.

I'm not saying there's not a place for diagnosis and support from services but personally I would be very cautious about going down that route.

I'd also suggest either getting his dad involved or being a bit more dad? He maybe needs that kind of male 'no'. Or that tiger mother 'no.' like, not aggressive, but a very firm, no. I used to be a teacher in an inner city school and we had to break up aggressive yr 10s when they were fighting and it absolutely needed a very strong hand. You couldn't piss about saying er please stop fighting. You had to get in there and not quite restrain them but ... Tbh if he was an adult kicking off he'd get into trouble for being violent and might well be restrained. So it's worth him learning that now.

This sounds really challenging for you OP but you can do this.

He sounds really similar to my son of the same age, who also had trauma relating to his farther. He has a diagnosis of ADHD (private via ADHD360 who do remote appointments) and is waiting an assessment for ASD via NHS.

I would pursue the assessment route if you can as it will help if both you and the school know what lies behind the difficulties he is facing. Even if it just rules things out.

If he is struggling at school and you suspect SEN start the process for an ehcp sooner rather than later as they do take a while, even with the backing of the school.

Also just wanted to give my support as I have been exactly where you are with the transition as they grow up. One minute they are small enough to physically stop them from being reckless, the next they are just too big. For us things seem to be slowly getting better as we navigate this new relationship and my son seems to be beginning to accept that not every boundary is there just to irritate him, so there is hope.

Does he have friends OP?

Sounds like he could have ADHD, ASD, and anxiety disorder, or some combination. Could also be trauma as well, that breakdown of relationship with his dad is massive. As a girl I struggled with that with my own dad, but my brother was much more broken by having a flaky shit Dad. Don't quit on him, try and push for assessments. But also stand firm on not giving in on things and pandering to his sense of entitlement. Violence has to end, if he's hurting people he needs to understand the legal implications of that because it can escalate quickly from school issues to youth offending. And the last thing you want is him growing up thinking it's ok to abuse other people, which it never is.

Is there an equivalent to a parental application for a statement in scotland.

The nearest equivalent to an EHCP or Statement of SEN in Scotland is a CSP. Enquire have lots of helpful information on their website and an advice line.

Thanks all, he went to school today which was good.
I've contacted a private psychiatry place and they are able to diagnose. However if he has no diagnosis they are full for general therapy.

Obviously the school will overlook his intelligence if he is being physically aggressive to them or perhaps to others. First and foremost they need to safeguard themselves and students.

I have a son the same age and your son does sound horrific in comparison. It’s got nothing to do with being a teen that sort of behaviour.

Infact your son sounds exactly like my brother at the same age who had trauma from our dad. Personally I think it sounds like an emerging personality disorder from unmet needs and there will be a lot more to this with his dad. I know you said you’re trying to get help etc but what help is there for kids like that? In reality? Not a lot. They wait until they get more complex with substance abuse/or end up in the criminal justice system.

Honestly I just don’t even know what to say. There are so many damaged kids out there it’s frightening.

This may help find services close to you @PixieAndProsecco
www.autism.org.uk/directory/search-results?searchTerm=psychologist&postalcode=glasgow&radius=20&categories=ScottishHealthBoard&categories=ScottishUnitaryAuthority&orderBy=score

He isn't physically aggressive in school but argumentative and lack of care or respect for authority (which is it's own issues).

I am so sorry that your brother had to go through that and you've hit the nail on the head. I never want my son to get to the point where he is deemed severe enough for help but I can't have him not getting help because he isn't severe enough.

I’m unsure about their presence in Scotland but Clinical Partners are good, albeit expensive. Almost all their appointments are online so they match you up with someone that can be in a totally different city, depending on your needs.
I gave up on CAMHS, they’re a disaster

I’d give a go at boxing maybe

I just looked at the prices for assessments, some are horrendous.
But usually you book a psychiatrist assessment first, then they’ll hopefully give you a better idea of where to go next.
Sorry I didn’t realise the prices for assessment, I didn’t have to do any of this, I already had my diagnosis, just needed medication monitoring regularly

They do have a really good reputation though, and it’s great that they match you with a psychiatrist (mine is way far away from me, it’s by visio. The good thing for you is that while the assessment may be expensive, you likely won’t need the private specialist follow up, that’s what is really blowing my budget.

I don’t know your finances but this one is good to give a try if you can, might as well pay for a good one

Honestly you’re unlikely to get to that point with CAMHS, at least I really hope for you. Even then the waiting list would be horrendous.

If your finances allow, really try private ( they may not all be as expensive), 12 is much easier than 15 say

There’s a number on their website you can just try calling, it’s a full administrative team who know the practices really well and match you up, but they also give advice on first steps when you explain the situation, and that at least would be totally free

Our son is like this , although a bit younger. I'd recommend that you have a read of The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene. It's helped us a bit. Plus we have a school counsellor who he has been seeing weekly and this is helping too.

I checked the Clinical Partners price list and they seem on a par with other London private assessment companies fyi. No experience of any myself (yet) though.

It's shocking that the waits are so long for this type of assessment, why are SEN kids singled out here? The country needs a long look at what the NHS should be providing and make cuts in areas which don't impact hundreds of thousands of children and who are the future of the country. In my opinion.

I thought so re prices yes, just wasn’t sure. There were so many, I went with reputation. I really like the matching with doctors from anywhere that have good experience with your condition. But as said, there were no assessment for me.
Can only say my experience with them has been good though (it had better be given the prices!)
I’d def give them a call even if you don’t go through with them, the admin team is great, they listen to all your story in detail

It’s despairing yes.
Even for adults though. I qualified for CAMHS but just wasn’t a priority, so endless waiting list, and without my medication monitoring I’m a mess (not violent or anything, I’m bipolar 2, so basically I get extremely and increasingly depressed). I honestly can barely afford it, but after one horrendous year of waiting for CAMHS I just had no choice really, I couldn’t function anymore. I’ve taken a side job. With my medication I’m lucky that I have a milder form so I’m fine. Last year alone was horrendous

I should mention that I was only diagnosed 2 years ago, hence the need for monitoring and adapting meds. The GPs hadn’t a clue and even added one that made me worse… .so I basically lost a year. So .I figured this was the only option

I Hope Im not overstepping but as you mentioned ‘yet’ I really would encourage you to call. The administrative staff are trained and really competent, they stay on the phone for ages to listen to your history and needs.
And they don’t try to fleece you out of money ex usually you have to redo an assessment with them £425 iirc and they allowed me to skip that as I had a diagnosis from a reputable big city hospital

It may be worth checking out private medical insurances but absolutely before any diagnosis, or else they’re either hugely more expensive or just refuse you point blank. I don’t know the prices exactly in England, mine would have been international (European), most wouldn’t, and the ones who did, paying out of pocket turned out cheaper…

Sorry for all the posts, it’s a subject that just annoys me so much, even more with kids, but do you remember the story about a young killer who’s dad had literally called them to say he was really worried about his violence and nothing was done ? (Nowhere near your level OP don’t worry, but as he becomes a teen I’d really worry about it evolving into drugs, smashing cars or what not, and then a criminal record). Really awful system

As a mum of three kids with PDA it screams PDA with me.
Especially the club's and things that he would like to do but is unable to once you have booked them?
A lot of children with PDA can get turned down for asd because of how they present. You really need someone who understands it.
If you are constantly putting in consequences and making no progress I would really read up on it. Even without diagnosis you could change how you parent and see what happens?