To be at wits end with DS?

[PixieAndProsecco]

This isn't an aibu but I've nowhere else to turn to.

My DS is 12, turning 13 this summer, and I am at my wits end. He is about 5ft3 and built - so not a small child - and this is relevant.

For as long as I can remember he will blow up over the smallest things. By blow up I mean shout, scream, throw things, refuse to do things and so on.
The older he's become the worse it has become - he can become verbally hurtful and aggressive, often 'squaring up' to adults but never getting physical.

He has refused to attend school because his hair won't sit the way he wants and there is nothing I can do. He is too big for me to move, I cannot drag him out the house. If he refuses then he refuses.

His attitude and behaviour to being asked to do things or when he is spoken to about how he speaks to others is disgusting. He shrugs, walks away, rolls his eyes, mimics etc and then eventually storms off.
He lies constantly to family and friends, sneaks food, takes care of nothing (constantly leaving platea and rubbish in his room, not putting clothes away, everything left at his bum).
He can be vile to his grandparents too.

At the weekend he threatened to leave the house because he was told he couldn't go out. I had to move away from the door and he barged out, no phone or jacket, and off he went. He eventually went to my parents house but my heart was in my mouth trying to track him down.

He's moved school recently (less than a month) and I have had 1 email, 1 phone call and a visit all because of his behaviour. He is a bright boy but this is being overlooked constantly.

We take his phone from him, we stop him going out with friends, we "ground" him essentially as a result of his actions and there is no change to his behaviour.

I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells. Just now he has tripped the fuse because he "needs" to straighten his hair before bed and then in the morning. His straighteners have stopped working as a result and he's already started the "I'm not going to school" tomorrow nonsense. I got a mouthful of abuse when I told him you don't need to do your hair before bed and in the morning.

We are all so done. The slightest thing and he kicks off ridiculously. We have consequences and they don't work. I am verbally abused every single day. I am scared he will snap one day and physically assault myself or his step-dad. I am scared he will run away from home.

I know that there has been some trauma, especially regarding his dad (not physical or sexual) and this may be resulting in some his behaviour. However this behaviour has also existed long before these issues.

We've told school but he isn't engaging with them.
We've approached the GP and they've just said it's not an issue.
At his choice he has no contact with his own dad.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm convinced there is more to it than just being a horrible person but there is nowhere to go, no one to help.

I already know that tomorrow morning it's going to be awful and I can't face it.

It sounds like you're at the end of your tether and have tried everything. He's getting physically bigger and by the sounds of it more temperamental so it's getting dangerous. Do you need to be more insistent with the school, SENCO/CAHMS etc? Push and push for assessment and support.

Is there ever a time you can talk calmly with him and help him discuss why he's like this and what might help (other than him getting his way!)? I feel for you.

Sounds like the school move has triggered acute anxiety which is for now explosive and he’s on fight/flight/freeze and hyper sensitive. Anything and everything will spark him.

The Ross Greene you tube videos are brilliant as are any of his podcast interviews.

Basically you’ll have to really really “lower” your expectations and meet him where he is mentally.

straightening his hair twice? Sure no problem, irons don’t work, ok let’s borrow my mates. Back in ten.

refuse school? Trickier. Much trickier but I think taking each little step is a win.

Has he got friends at the new school?

Whats he good at or could get better at? Be subtle and be creative. I sanded an old school desk with my mentee. We sanded and chatted and sanded silently for hours. Mindless. Lovely. Trick is not to present it as a task for him but a task to be picked up or put down if he wants it.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to get at you.

If he doesn't kick off in the same way at school, and isn't so aggressive there, that perhaps suggests he has a level of control over his behaviour. I was thinking about suggesting an anger management type course if he was genuinely losing control. I've seen similar behaviour in teenage boys too (also a teacher) but in general I feel like they had less control- so would sometimes "lose it" in school.

He may save his worst behaviour for home as that's his safe space?

His behaviour does seem extreme though, and it sounds like he has quite a high need for control (e.g. the thing you mention about riding lessons?). I do think there is something underlying, but I think it's hard to pinpoint what. I'm assuming he wouldn't engage with e.g. a private psychiatrist, even if that was in budget?

You say there's no trauma relating to his dad, but is there any chance of trauma elsewhere that may be contributing to a high need for control?

Which area are you as every local area has a parent carer forum for which any parent can access without any diagnosis.
google “parent carer forum”

also- have you ruled out some kind of grooming/county lines type involvement? If this is a sudden change?

Does he hate you for moving him out of his last school?

Some of the things you describe sound a bit like PDA or ODD, but I think they would show more in a school environment too? I know some students with ASD mask in school and show different behaviour at home, but I think e.g. PDA might show more in school?

I do wonder if it's worth trying to see someone like an Ed Psych or similar privately?

The minute you talk to him he shuts down or gets all riled up, no in-between.

The school have been good so far, I am in contact with them.

This has been an ongoing issue since he was small.
It's just getting worse.

He was on board with the move and has several friends in the new school, got placed in to their classes etc.

I could have written your post when my DD was the same age, she’s now 16, at the end of a (lengthy) assessment for High Functioning Autism (which all agree she has, just waiting for the final appointment).

Keep pushing with CAMHS, yes they are busy, but your child is having a crisis. Reach out to voluntary groups both online and in the area who have experience in these areas, contact the council and ask for an EHCP (a parent can request one) .. we didn’t get it, but, as part of the assesment she was assessed by the Ed Psych who was amazing.

Pick your battles, give him space if he’s overwhelmed with emotions - there is no point trying to rationalise with a child having a meltdown. He knows what he needs to do, you don’t need to tell him constantly .. down that path lies misery. Get involved in his hobby / hyperinterest, whatever it may be … it’s the best time to have a serious chat.

Children do not like that “out of control” feeling, this isn’t a choice

This is how I feel.
Hos behaviour isn't within the realms of normal and it is worse at home/around his grandparents as we are his safe space.

I do feel that there is something underlying.
There is no sexual or physical trauma from his dad, I can guarantee he is dealing with emotional fall out.

I genuinely don't believe there is grooming etc. This has been an uphill battle since he was very young.

I know children who have been left undiagnosed for 10 years with lots of “waiting and seeing”
until behaviour becomes unmanageable and violent.

I urge you to get in touch with your parent cater forum and start the process. And be a PITA with the school. They need to do more.

I definitely feel like there is something underlying. I don't feel like it's PDA.

He needs to see a podiatrist for a badly cut toenail. We have attempted several times but he just refuses.
Any type of private psychiatrist would be the same - I don't think he'd get through the door at present.

I'd also like to point out that we aren't in England, schools etc work a little but differently.
School have been great so far - we're only a month and they've been more proactive than his previous school.

He sounds angry. But then I'd be angry too if my dad was as you describe his dad. You need to open up communication about his anger that no amount of art classes and 'youre doing really well' will compensate for. I think. I mean I dunno. Consider therapy. For you. Not him. You.

He's angry, he's sad, he's confused, he's tired.
I'm all of the above too.

Does he always get what he wants ?

All the music, clubs that you've paid out for and he doesn't attend.

Has he ever been suspended from school ?

Or does he choose to behave when he needs to.

We take our son's phone off him if he's done something wrong. However, he wouldn't leave the house if he wasn't meant to.

It's really difficult to take your son's phone, because if he was to leave then you have no way of contacting each other.

Perhaps get some software for his phone that will limit what he can see and what time he can go online. Then if he plays up you can tighten the settings and what he has access to. However, he can still call you!

He doesn't always get what he wants.

Uses his own birthday and Christmas money to buy treats, if he wants to go out frequently.

The clubs are all things that have been started and then stopped because "I just don't want to go". Attendance length varied by activity but not "wasted" money.

He hasn't been suspended, yet.
He has had an internal exclusion and not been allowed in the classroom.

We also take his phone and stop him going out with friends as a consequence. I've had his phone almost the entire week and there is no difference to his behaviour.

Hi OP

No advice as clearly you are trying everything you can think of to get him some support. I just wanted to say it's clear that you're really trying your best and he is lucky to have you. I dont know what the answer is but if he does get violent you need to call the police, whatever underlying issues there are, it would not be acceptable. He clearly won't speak to you, is there anyone else he trusts that you could maybe get to talk to him and try to get through to him?

Is your younger child w your new husband? How old? Does he get on with your new husband? He’s had quite a lot of change for a child of 12.

Thank you, truly.
At the moment I feel like am utter failure most days.

Look into pathological demand avoidance

DS has never known his dad and I together. We were separated before he turned 1.

I've been with DH 8 years now and the youngest is ours, he is 5.
DH and DS get on with DH can be his emotional punching bag - "you're not my dad", "just leave I don't need to see you again", "you can't tell me what to do" etc.

Please dont feel like a failure. You have done everything to put things in place to help him...but sometimes there is literally nothing you can do to get people to engage at that time. That doesn't mean you're giving up and you won't keep trying, and he might come to the same conclusion that he needs to try something, or it might be something random that sparks action...but you can't force someone to talk or to change, even when you're following the 'right' strategy for what's going on with them

the explosive child is a game changer, i listened to it via youtube
www.bing.com/videos/search?q=the+explosive+child+youtube+whole+book&&view=detail&mid=011E2100BF41FE4B53A8011E2100BF41FE4B53A8&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dthe%2Bexplosive%2Bchild%2Byoutube%2Bwhole%2Bbook%26qpvt%3Dthe%2Bexplosive%2Bchild%2Byoutube%2Bwhole%2Bbook%26FORM%3DVDRE
next the diagnostic tool is free of the official website
livesinthebalance.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/ALSUP-2020.pdf