To hate splitting bills at restaurants?

[AtticusFrost]

We socialise a fair bit but do not have a high income. We do this by being careful about how we spend our money. So I absolutely hate it if in a restaurant at the end of the night someone says forcefully we should just split the bill.
No! I know it is easier. But myself and DH have chosen cheaper options so we can afford this. And it always people who have spent loads who say this.

This sort of thing blows my mind. So you're out with people you consider friends but you can't say either:

'I'm a bit skint this month so I'm going to pay separately if that's ok?'

or

"I'm not drinking, so can we split the food & Drink and I'll pay for my food'

Either one of these options is absolutely fine, if you do it at the start, there's no issue at all. If you wait until the bill has come then the only rule will be that you get on a pay yours quickly and make sure you get the new total correct.

Usually though, I'm in favour of splitting the bill as I hate having to wait for the receipt and read through what we all had and add it up and often the last person to pay has to cover whatever small bits the earlier ones have missed.

It much less awkward to just split the bill in my experience, usually over time, it balances itself out as there are sometimes you go out and it is in your favour, and other times not. So unless I'm proper skint, and the difference is less than say £10, I'll suck it up.

I only have sensible friends who realise this though, so it's never really been an issue.

I'm always a little bemused by posts like this. I think we've all had that situation once or twice - where perhaps it's a group we don't know so it got awkward or whatever - but unless you are constantly socialising with different people entirely, surely then it just becomes a comms issue. So in advance, you and DH remember that Bill and Mary have a habit of ordering the fancy wine and eating fillet steak so when you go out with them, as the menus are produced you say, "right, I'm going to keep it quite light today so probably best if we split the bill".

I have a mum-friend who is the opposite. I know she can't afford it. So we always try to just agree to split by what everyone has had and she always insists no no, do it evenly. So sometimes we try not to order too much when out with her. Sadly, other times she chooses not to come. But we're not close enough to have a properly honest conversation.

I also resent having to subsidise others much more if it's all calculated. I am often the person who puts in an extra tenner for the tip that mysteriously went missing somewhere in the calcuations despite everyone adding it 🤔because I don't think it's fair for the waiter to pay for someone's "oversight". That annoys me more than a split where I end up £10 worse off depending on consumption, because it somehow seems less honest.

I hate the nit picking process of everyone working out exactly what they've had and the back and forth negotiation. Totally ruins a relaxed social experience for me.

I prefer an atmosphere of generosity between friends where give and take is presumed. Sometimes I drink sometimes I don't, sometimes I might skip a starter, over time it's irrelevant.

If you think people are trying to swiz you out of a glass of wine don't go out with them.

I dislike bill splitting for two reasons. One is that I could eat salad and have to pay for another's £40 steak OR I'm afraid to order what I want in case it's something more expensive and I'll be a CFer.

Last dinner we went to, dinner for DH, two teens, 10yo and me came to only slightly over what my parents paid. We didn't go cheap but DM and DF had £40 steaks, expensive extra sides, loads of booze and a cheese board.

5 of us eating the full three courses were only a few quid more than two people alone. Thankfully we had agreed they would pay theirs because they wanted to go nuts and we didn't fancy steaks.

My phone calculator and an itemised bill made it quick to sort out but I also wouldn't have batted an eye at asking for separate orders from the start. We just opted for what was easier for staff as it was very busy.

If you do it you need to say before the meal so everyone knows before they have a drink ! 🙄

So you need to warn people you’re not subbing them to give them the chance to avoid ordering what they want to drink but don’t actually want to pay for?

I would say up front but just to avoid hassle on the bill arriving.

Oh! Re-read. You meant before everyone has a drink and then it’s like herding cats at payment time!

It’s unreasonable to think that everyone who assumes that the bill will be split has a dishonest motive. It does tend to be the default way of doing it, so most people budget for that when they agree to go out and when they order. It’s one reason I wouldn’t agree to go somewhere very expensive with a group. It’s true that I also have certain friends who take the piss, and every time I forget and get stung I kick myself and vow not to split the bill with them again.

Good reminder though, one owes me for last week…

It should be easily possible to split a bill without doing the whole calculators out/passing the bill round charade. I don’t like it when people do that, it spoils the mood of the evening because the tone instantly changes from happy conversation to everyone checking who had what with their noses in their phones. People who want to do that should ask for a separate bill at the start so that the waiter can deal with it as they go along.

All it takes is for people not to be arseholes. Those who had alcohol or extra courses put in a bit more and if everyone automatically added some money for a tip then the job gets done quickly and efficiently without changing the atmosphere.

Put your foot down and only pay for what you've ordered.
If necessary start a separate "tab" with the restaurant when you arrive.

As with many things in life, it really depends on the situation and it requires a bit of judgement and tact. I have been in quite a few situations over the years where, even though I could afford it, I have been left feeling rather resentful about subsidising other people’s meals.

I remember once meeting two friends for brunch and I came with my 5year old dd (me bringing her was always the plan). Anyway, dd had already eaten (brunch doesn’t really work for small children) so I only ordered something very small for her. One of the friends then did the whole “let’s split the bill in four” - great, thanks….

I’m in the just split evenly camp, but also know im

I hate the attitude that you should say at the start of the meal if you want a separate check.

I'm more than happy to split a bill equally if the price different is a couple of quid, but if people are ordering a mix of courses and one person orders all 3 and alcohol and one person only has a main and water then it's a bit more of an important difference. And you don't necessarily know that in advance!

Luckily my friends aren't CFs so it works out fine!

Mmm I hate counting pennies so always opt to split the bill equally but there's no shame in saying at the start of the meal that you would rather pay for what you have

I never understand why people are so insistent that this has to be agreed in advance, are they implying that their spending/ordering habits would change if they are not sharing the cost with someone else?

@IhearyouClemFandango so the waiter can set up separate bills and avoid it being a PITA / awkward at the end of the meal

I'm firmly in the split the bill camp (unless we've had an extra course or something)

Any ill feeling could easily be avoided by having a conversation before hand.

If we went for dinner and the other person/couple said 'we're watching what we spent so would just prefer to pay for our order' I'd be like 'ok, cool'. No upset necessary

As with many things in life, it really depends on the situation and it requires a bit of judgement and tact. I have been in quite a few situations over the years where, even though I could afford it, I have been left feeling rather resentful about subsidising other people’s meals.

Exactly.
I think it is a world of difference if there are two or three couples who have been friends for a long time and go out for a meal together every month - when you either know it balances out over time, or you know that Bob and Mary's order always comes to twice your order and can decide what to do accordingly, from when you are the office junior and there is a meal out with all your colleagues, when a) you don't know what others order b) you rarely go out with them so there is no balancing out c) there may be a power imbalance in terms of you wanting to fit in d) people could have really different budgets and you don't know people well enough to be aware of their finances.

We've got a group we go out with fairly regularly - it's friends and we keep an eye on who has only had a couple of ciders and who has been trollying back the wine and that all gets factored in.

But with acquaintances or work then yes it is harder - it shouldn't be - but it is. You can ask in most places if yours can go on a separate bill.

This is it exactly. It's always the bill-splitters who gain, whether by accident or design. It's up to the bill-splitting people to be upfront as a default and ask if the bill can be split - the pay-your-own people already have their bill covered.

This.

You have agency in these situations - use it

Oh Christ no. Mortified for you all, I would rather die. Nitpicking....I only had the small lasagne and a small Coke, I only owe £12.40 and then counting out the exact amount. I couldn't sit in company like that. At least ask for a separate bill in the beginning.

I don't drink and don't eat puddings......When I'm out with a group, my meal and drink might come to £15 ish and a 'share' of the whole is often £40, so more than double. Often people say 'oh its a pain to work it out' or 'lets just share its easier' but what they mean is 'I'd rather you were overcharged than I was inconvenienced'......I never quibble over such things, but I secretly take note of who is capable of largesse with other peoples money.

You think it's 'nitpicking' to only want to pay for what you eat?

Mortified for you all

Don't be - there's truly no problem! I'm honestly baffled at other peoples' discomfort with the idea that adults happily work out their share at the end of a meal.

Not atmosphere is 'ruined', there's no 'back-and-forth', there aren't any mistakes as we're not idiots.

There's nothing wrong with this!