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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have insinuated my friend’s DS might have ADHD

90 replies

Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:02

For context- I know this mum (let’s call her Maria) from DC previous school, we continued to see each other after change of schools, ie we go and grab coffee occasionally and we exchange friendly texts every few weeks or so. We also go to each other’s DCs’ birthday parties and sometimes we organise get together with the other parents. We have gone skiing together with our DHs and DCs. Her DH and my DH would go and get beer together on their own. We live in a southern European country (if this makes a difference in attitude). We have known each other for about 3 years. No issues, no arguments before. Our kids are good friends (or were). The issue stemmed from when I had witnessed her only child, DS’ (7) extreme behaviour (let’s call him Pablo) where he gets very emotional about something (yelling and screaming for minor things), attacking my DS physically when DS(6) did not want to play a certain game. Him shouting “I will kill you” to his dad for telling him off for throwing snowballs at my DD. I have over the years witnessed his difficult behaviour and quite extreme. Mind you I have raised two adults (one with severe ADHD) and two minors still at home. I am not a mental health expert by profession however I am a healthcare worker and dealt with many young adults and children with ADHD.
Maria has referred to Pablo being difficult and being very emotional, but she’s adamant that he is just like the boys in his class. I gently asked her if she had had him assessed for ADHD as I see similarities between him and my oldest DS when he was at that age and advised her it could be something to explore to help her DS regulate his emotions. She got very annoyed with me and said there is nothing wrong with him, that he is just boisterous. Every boy in his new class is the same. We left it at that. Then she ghosted me, when I had sent her texts. The latest was a Happy New Year message which she did not even opened. It’s been two months.
I am quite confused as to why she would be so defensive and annoyed. My DH who was not part of the conversation reached out to her DH just “hey what’s going on fancy a beer” and he blocked my DH too. No response. Like they just dropped us as a family.

was I being unreasonable to have mentioned her DS might have ADHD? I did not say for sure, just that it might be worth checking it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:08

Would really appreciate some perspective here.

For clarification I did send a text some week later to say “ I am sorry if I offended you as you seemed so upset, hope you’re okay, I did not mean to make you feel bad, I thought my advice might help you get the help you needed” no reply still…

OP posts:
PotatoFacedWombat · 30/01/2023 15:10

I don't think it was your place to say anything. If she wanted your opinion, she would have asked for it. You overstepped.

Original poster
Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:11

I realised I overstepped (I apologised) but does it warrant the whole family to be ghosted?

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 30/01/2023 15:11

You very very definitely overstepped with that message too, it was pushing that you still thought you were right

LLFoolJ · 30/01/2023 15:16

Yes, you were unreasonable to say anything and you were unreasonable to send an 'apology' where you explained why you felt were right after realising she was upset. That's not an apology.

Shes decided she doesn't want to socialise with you or your family any more so all you can do now is apologise properly and accept her decision.

Notjusta · 30/01/2023 15:16

Maria has referred to Pablo being difficult and being very emotional

I think this bit is important, and on the basis that she raised it with you, I don't think YABU. You have some insight, you recognised the potential signs and you mentioned it to her when she expressed concerns about his behaviour - that last bit being crucial IMO. If you just blurted it out with no context you definitely would be overstepping, but if in the course of a conversation where she's saying she's a bit worried, or finds him difficult you've suggested a possible reason or issue, that's not unreasonable.

RonObvious · 30/01/2023 15:18

I don’t think there is a right or wrong in this situation. If her response had been to get him assessed, find you were right, get support and treatment, and then been hugely grateful to you, would that have magically made it the right thing to have done? Your action would have been the same. I don’t think you did anything wrong, but then, I would have been grateful if someone had suggested ASD to me, when we were struggling with my daughter. Took us a few years until the penny finally dropped. I guess perspective is everything.

Original poster
Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:18

I am more confused about her DH ghosting my DH who had nothing to do with it.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2023 15:20

It was a mistake for you to diagnose her DS, and you really should know that it was inappropriate for you to do so.

bananamilkshakes · 30/01/2023 15:21

Sounds like it could be ASD to me, but yeah could be ADHD.
Yes you were out of line. There are some friends you can gently broach these issues with and some you can't.
Your apology wasn't an apology and you should have sent a proper apology immediately not a week later.

It's quite an extreme reaction from her and poor communication also, but it's poor communication from both of you. If I were you I would send her a heartfelt and genuine apology and reach out to see if you can rekindle the relationship.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2023 15:22

And by the way your follow up email is even worse - I actually don't think this can be real, because nobody would be stupid enough to think that would help anything.

Original poster
Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:22

I did not diagnose it, I was very careful to not do it, I said it might be a possibility..if you has had him assessed for ADHD. Huge difference.
I think friends should help friends, especially if I have experience in certain areas, then it would be fake to not even mention it when she’s struggling.

OP posts:
Blort · 30/01/2023 15:23

Your friend is horrible. Your son has ADHD , by going on as if you invoked the devil himself to suggest her son is showing traits of ADHD she's being pretty cruel to your family.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 30/01/2023 15:25

If you mentioned it once and then dropped it then fair enough but you didn't, even your 'apology' mentioned it again. Just leave them alone

plumduck · 30/01/2023 15:27

Your "apology" was even worse.

Derbee · 30/01/2023 15:27

Even good friends have to be careful about how they word things.

The fact that you think your “apology” wasn’t rude means that there’s a good chance the way you suggested ADHD etc was pretty clumsily put…

You know you’ve offended her, yet you’ve text her to imply again that her son needs help.

Original poster
Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:30

Friend has been struggling and said she didn’t know what to do as he’s so emotional. So should I have kept mum? Just said nothing, although my own son has displayed the exact same behaviour at that age? So I’d just stood on and listened to her moaning about how hard her son is, and just said nothing? Not even a suggestion?

OP posts:
Bellaboo01 · 30/01/2023 15:30

Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:02

For context- I know this mum (let’s call her Maria) from DC previous school, we continued to see each other after change of schools, ie we go and grab coffee occasionally and we exchange friendly texts every few weeks or so. We also go to each other’s DCs’ birthday parties and sometimes we organise get together with the other parents. We have gone skiing together with our DHs and DCs. Her DH and my DH would go and get beer together on their own. We live in a southern European country (if this makes a difference in attitude). We have known each other for about 3 years. No issues, no arguments before. Our kids are good friends (or were). The issue stemmed from when I had witnessed her only child, DS’ (7) extreme behaviour (let’s call him Pablo) where he gets very emotional about something (yelling and screaming for minor things), attacking my DS physically when DS(6) did not want to play a certain game. Him shouting “I will kill you” to his dad for telling him off for throwing snowballs at my DD. I have over the years witnessed his difficult behaviour and quite extreme. Mind you I have raised two adults (one with severe ADHD) and two minors still at home. I am not a mental health expert by profession however I am a healthcare worker and dealt with many young adults and children with ADHD.
Maria has referred to Pablo being difficult and being very emotional, but she’s adamant that he is just like the boys in his class. I gently asked her if she had had him assessed for ADHD as I see similarities between him and my oldest DS when he was at that age and advised her it could be something to explore to help her DS regulate his emotions. She got very annoyed with me and said there is nothing wrong with him, that he is just boisterous. Every boy in his new class is the same. We left it at that. Then she ghosted me, when I had sent her texts. The latest was a Happy New Year message which she did not even opened. It’s been two months.
I am quite confused as to why she would be so defensive and annoyed. My DH who was not part of the conversation reached out to her DH just “hey what’s going on fancy a beer” and he blocked my DH too. No response. Like they just dropped us as a family.

was I being unreasonable to have mentioned her DS might have ADHD? I did not say for sure, just that it might be worth checking it out.

TBH - Going on holiday with friends sounds like you are closer than you are letting on in this thread. I personally haven't ever gone on holiday (skiing or otherwise) with anyone that i wasnt close friends with.

I have been in this situation where a child has been hitting/shouting at their parents and generally being quite rude and unpleasant which everyone thought (but not one of us voiced as it would have hurt our friend and is also none of our business).

Kanaloa · 30/01/2023 15:37

Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:30

Friend has been struggling and said she didn’t know what to do as he’s so emotional. So should I have kept mum? Just said nothing, although my own son has displayed the exact same behaviour at that age? So I’d just stood on and listened to her moaning about how hard her son is, and just said nothing? Not even a suggestion?

I think unfortunately people rarely want advice. They more want someone just to nod along/be sympathetic. I would have just said ‘oh that sounds really hard’ or maybe ‘maybe you could ask at the school or something’ unless it was my best friend or a family member.

Derbee · 30/01/2023 15:38

Ghostedbyfriend · 30/01/2023 15:30

Friend has been struggling and said she didn’t know what to do as he’s so emotional. So should I have kept mum? Just said nothing, although my own son has displayed the exact same behaviour at that age? So I’d just stood on and listened to her moaning about how hard her son is, and just said nothing? Not even a suggestion?

I don’t understand why you’ve posted. You clearly think you did the right thing. But you’ve also said you agree you overstepped?

You’ve upset or annoyed them, and they don’t want to be friends with you. Not much more to say, surely?

Kanaloa · 30/01/2023 15:39

I mean I have one friend with a child who is to be quite honest rude, unpleasant, and naughty. She often bemoans how she ‘doesn’t know what to do’ and how she doesn’t understand why they are like this. But I don’t think she’d like it if I said ‘stop being spineless, put some consequences in place for his horrible behaviour, and stop letting him rule the family.’ So I generally just say ‘oh yeah it’s hard isn’t it.’

aloris · 30/01/2023 15:39

You're probably not wrong but she's not ready to hear it. You said that in one instance her son attacked your child. At least this event has removed your own children from the possibility of being attacked. If her child does have ADHD then likely the issue will continue to come up in school and eventually a teacher will remark upon it and he will be put onto a diagnosis pathway.

Sindonym · 30/01/2023 15:43

YANBU given the context of the conversation (would have been unreasonable to just say it; you didn’t). Especially given that you related it to what you saw in your own son. It’s quite offensive to you really - if the suggestion that he might be similar to your son is so awful that you need to be blocked.

BabyOnBoard90 · 30/01/2023 15:44

This is a hard one. I can see both sides here.

plumduck · 30/01/2023 15:46

I gently asked her if she had had him assessed for ADHD as I see similarities between him and my oldest DS when he was at that age and advised her it could be something to explore to help her DS regulate his emotions. how exactly did you phrase this bit?

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