To have insinuated my friend’s DS might have ADHD

[Ghostedbyfriend]

For context- I know this mum (let’s call her Maria) from DC previous school, we continued to see each other after change of schools, ie we go and grab coffee occasionally and we exchange friendly texts every few weeks or so. We also go to each other’s DCs’ birthday parties and sometimes we organise get together with the other parents. We have gone skiing together with our DHs and DCs. Her DH and my DH would go and get beer together on their own. We live in a southern European country (if this makes a difference in attitude). We have known each other for about 3 years. No issues, no arguments before. Our kids are good friends (or were). The issue stemmed from when I had witnessed her only child, DS’ (7) extreme behaviour (let’s call him Pablo) where he gets very emotional about something (yelling and screaming for minor things), attacking my DS physically when DS(6) did not want to play a certain game. Him shouting “I will kill you” to his dad for telling him off for throwing snowballs at my DD. I have over the years witnessed his difficult behaviour and quite extreme. Mind you I have raised two adults (one with severe ADHD) and two minors still at home. I am not a mental health expert by profession however I am a healthcare worker and dealt with many young adults and children with ADHD.
Maria has referred to Pablo being difficult and being very emotional, but she’s adamant that he is just like the boys in his class. I gently asked her if she had had him assessed for ADHD as I see similarities between him and my oldest DS when he was at that age and advised her it could be something to explore to help her DS regulate his emotions. She got very annoyed with me and said there is nothing wrong with him, that he is just boisterous. Every boy in his new class is the same. We left it at that. Then she ghosted me, when I had sent her texts. The latest was a Happy New Year message which she did not even opened. It’s been two months.
I am quite confused as to why she would be so defensive and annoyed. My DH who was not part of the conversation reached out to her DH just “hey what’s going on fancy a beer” and he blocked my DH too. No response. Like they just dropped us as a family.

was I being unreasonable to have mentioned her DS might have ADHD? I did not say for sure, just that it might be worth checking it out.

I did similar to a friend I've had for ten years. Her DD has had issues making and keeping friends and my friend has long believed her DD is bullied and that's why. She was moved into my DDs school and class and it was like dropping a nuclear bomb in the mix. She caused all sorts of misery, including garden variety physical bullying of the young children at the school.

Turns out she's very very manipulative, nasty, sweary, talks about sex all the time, and lies with a dead straight face when she gets in trouble. All the other mothers of daughters dislike her and it's getting to a point where her DD isn't invited to parties. School has been useless and mother is completely unaware of everything (sweetheart lies to her too).

So I very very gently and kindly set her straight on some of what was going on (avoiding the more gross stuff), and I suggested there might be a reason for the behaviour and had she considered ASD,or ADHD, or something like that. I was very vague and non specific and kind, but honest.

She's not talking to me at all now. I still hope she acted on what I said though, otherwise her DD is going to be isolated and despised in High School. I did what I did out of care for my friend and feel if she judges me so harshly for it then she doesn't know me at all and isn't really a friend I should worry about keeping.

Thank you all for your comments.
I posted because I needed to get it off my chest and I feel confused why my friend and her husband ghosted us. We were pretty good friends. I thought she was more open minded than that. She didn’t seem like the type where she couldn’t handle the truth.

Anyhow, I was wrong.

My own son has ADHD so I wouldn’t drop them as a family because her DS physically attacked my younger DS. Though I’d want her to deal with his behaviour rather than moaning about it and then say he’s just boisterous and normalising his violence.

The problem is, in this country unless you actively seek for assessment and treatment school would just ignore you or kick you out. They very much have the attitude boys will be boys.

"I'm sorry I said that thing that upset you, but I thought I was right so here it is again" is not the way to get someone back onside. Talk about digging yourself a deeper hole!

OP, I suspect your friend probably had some concerns, deep down but was probably in some form of denial.
The fact that someone else has suggested that there might be an underlying issue has probably upset her as she may have naively thought that her child might grow out of it.

Ghosting you and your husband is possibly a way of keeping the problem buried.

I think you've lost your friends though.

Your first mistake was thinking you should offer any opinion on the male child of a southern European mother. Bad, bad bad idea - and I know this from experience but I'll get flamed for it.

But yes - you did overstep and continued to overstep in your follow up message. She wasn't confiding in you for your advice, it sounds more like a vent or a passing comment. Not for you to insinuate anything was "wrong" with her child. Not that there is anything wrong with ADHD - I have ADHD, but in the context of one parent saying it to another a bit unwantedly, it can be upsetting and insulting as that may not have occured to her and now she may feel that you felt it was her parenting. Or lack thereof. Not everyone has the same understanding of neurological or mental health conditions. Let it go - up to them to cut you off. Are they right to do so? They seem to feel it is for their family. I'd resolve that I overstepped and that you're not suited to be in each other's lives anymore.

FWIW I agree with you OP and I think her reaction is extreme especially when you yourself have a child with adhd but some people are like that. Apologise and hopefully it'll work out

In short, I think you've hit a raw nerve and I think she's in denial.

Some pps are reacting as if you suggested her son might be a dangerous criminal. What’s so offensive about you daring to mention ADHD as a possible thing to check out, when your own child has it? You shouldn’t have to grovel for that. Children with ADHD aren’t any less wonderful or loveable.

I agree with the pp who said she’s just not ready to hear realistic suggestions. Your only crime was to misjudge how much honesty she wanted, and I think that’s an understandable mistake in these specific circumstances.

You have no qualifications, you don't see her child every day, she hasn't asked for your opinion. Your apology was even worse, 'hoping she will get help for him' is intrusive at best. Leave her alone now

Meh. She brought it up and you said you saw similarities. It's fairly normal behaviour. Honestly if her son attacked yours I'd be secretly rather pleased to be ghosted. She's not addressing his behaviour whatever the cause and this it will only get worse. Bullet dodged.

fyi, I am a medical doctor (paediatric doctor) not psychiatrist though. I do the first assessment of ADHD before I send the patients off to a psychiatrist for a full on assessment as we do here in this country. Every country does things slightly differently.

Aren't there rules about randomly giving someone medical advice?

So you don't actually think there was at all a chance you were unreasonable? Why bother posting in aibu? Just to have a go at your so called friend?

Aren't there rules about randomly giving someone medical advice?

Rules probably don't apply when one is an imaginary doctor.

@plumduck no there aren't. There are rules about treating people who aren't your registered patients, but no rules about giving advice. I wish there were, then I wouldn't get pestered all the time by non medical friends!

You over-stepped the mark.

People don't like to be told, especially by people they see as "just another mum" (your expertise/qualifications are irrelevant to her), that their child maybe has a disability that would explain their bad behaviour. In one swoop you've implied that their child has bad behaviour AND that maybe he's got a disability that causes it. People simply don't want to hear it. Especially from their peers.

You've apologised - whilst still insinuating that you were right - and she's chosen to ignore you. I think you need to let this one go. You've lost a friendship because you mis-read the room. Let it go until/unless she contacts you again.

Ah yeah that would get annoying!

Sadly there's still a lot of ableism in the world and a lot of stigma, and sounds like she is offended by the idea that her child might be disabled, even though you have a child with a disability and are coming from a place of support.

I just hope the kid eventually gets the support he needs, whatever that may be.

Living with undiagnosed ADHD is incredibly hard and I would hope that parents listen and get their kids tested if they even just suspect something like that, to rule it out.

This. Enough with the ableism. Having a disability shouldn't have such a stigma attached to it.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. Her attitude is the problem - between normalising her ds’ violence, and calling adhd “something wrong” she’s clearly very ignorant.

when you’ve been through the heartbreak of fighting tooth and nail for timely diagnosis and services, it’s natural to want to reach out to other parents.

It’s always roundly condemned on MN, yet irl there are no shortage of people, practically queued up to give their tuppence worth, even after being informed of a diagnosis.

You were doing a kind thing.

OP some people are looking for help and grateful to receive advice, others just want to offload. Unfortunately she was the latter your well-meaning advice hit a nerve as she clearly wasn’t expecting you to suggest something like that.

ultimately you didn’t do anything definitely wrong but she’s allowed to take it how she likes and unfortunately she’s decided to end the friendship. I think you just have to accept that - people can end any relationship for any reason they want to.

time to focus on other friends

I don't think you did anything wrong. You gave her advice based on your experience. Friends should be able to do this without being ghosted. It didn't sound like you were rude. Sounds more like you hit a nerve with a subject they are not ready to address but I don't see that as your problem.

Totally agree with this. Don't know why you're being pilloried (except it's a sport for some on AIBU) as I see it you tried to help when she was talking about his behaviour.

I was sort of on your side until I read your last sentence, I thought my advice might help you get the help you needed” no reply still…

Seriously? my first thought would've been, 'Who the hell do you think you are?'. You don't know for a fact her DS has adhd, even professionals have to do an assessment that involves both school and home before they can arrive at a conclusion. You went from gently asking a question which was quite fair in the circumstances to being quite condescending telling your friend, that she actually needs help and you hope your advice would help her towards it. That was very rude of you and rather than mending things ended up being the last straw. Definitely do not make any more contact with them. Leave them alone and hopefully next time you will choose your words more carefully.