To have insinuated my friend’s DS might have ADHD

[Ghostedbyfriend]

For context- I know this mum (let’s call her Maria) from DC previous school, we continued to see each other after change of schools, ie we go and grab coffee occasionally and we exchange friendly texts every few weeks or so. We also go to each other’s DCs’ birthday parties and sometimes we organise get together with the other parents. We have gone skiing together with our DHs and DCs. Her DH and my DH would go and get beer together on their own. We live in a southern European country (if this makes a difference in attitude). We have known each other for about 3 years. No issues, no arguments before. Our kids are good friends (or were). The issue stemmed from when I had witnessed her only child, DS’ (7) extreme behaviour (let’s call him Pablo) where he gets very emotional about something (yelling and screaming for minor things), attacking my DS physically when DS(6) did not want to play a certain game. Him shouting “I will kill you” to his dad for telling him off for throwing snowballs at my DD. I have over the years witnessed his difficult behaviour and quite extreme. Mind you I have raised two adults (one with severe ADHD) and two minors still at home. I am not a mental health expert by profession however I am a healthcare worker and dealt with many young adults and children with ADHD.
Maria has referred to Pablo being difficult and being very emotional, but she’s adamant that he is just like the boys in his class. I gently asked her if she had had him assessed for ADHD as I see similarities between him and my oldest DS when he was at that age and advised her it could be something to explore to help her DS regulate his emotions. She got very annoyed with me and said there is nothing wrong with him, that he is just boisterous. Every boy in his new class is the same. We left it at that. Then she ghosted me, when I had sent her texts. The latest was a Happy New Year message which she did not even opened. It’s been two months.
I am quite confused as to why she would be so defensive and annoyed. My DH who was not part of the conversation reached out to her DH just “hey what’s going on fancy a beer” and he blocked my DH too. No response. Like they just dropped us as a family.

was I being unreasonable to have mentioned her DS might have ADHD? I did not say for sure, just that it might be worth checking it out.

I have ADHD - you have ADHD in your family so you must know society does not fully understand or accept ADHD. Personally I think considering she knows you have ADHD in your family she is the daft friend for treating you rudely as if suggesting her child might have ADHD is an insult. I think it should be you ditching her!

Maybe she knows her child's behaviour isn't normal but is in denial. Perhaps she ghosted you because she knows she can't pretend around you anymore because you've spotted signs that all was not perfect. Or perhaps she's so in denial she still doesn't accept it and thinks you were attacking her parenting instead.

I've not RTFT sorry. I live in a southern European country. I have a child with asd & adhd. I have a good Spanish friend with a child who has adhd (and some other issues). The school has been pointing out the need for extra help for the many years I've known them. The friend has shouted very loudly for most of this time how horrible the school is as the child is completely normal and it's all just bad teaching. At 9 the child was finally given an opportunity to be diagnosed. I bit my tongue for a long time. They are now getting help. Some people really don't want to know. Pushing them (like your follow up message) is your agenda not theirs. Sorry you've had to learn this way. Perhaps it is in the culture of the family. Certainly where I live there is a different culture than mine around certain health issues

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Hopefully she may come round and see that.

Well yes. As it transpires that is exactly what you should have done if you wanted to keep the friendship

But you had no idea that your words would create such upset

You know now and perhaps with another friend you'll remember the possibility that people get upset when you don't expect them to, and say nothing

I find many people just want to vent. They don't actually want solutions

You now know this too.

I agree. It's awful that she's so mortal offended at the suggestion that her DS might have ADHD that she has to ghost you and block you. Even though she KNOWS your DS has ADHD.

Like it's fine for your DS to have ADHD but it's the worst thing in the world for you to even suggest that hers might have it.

At least you now know her real thoughts about your DS. Sounds like you're well rid of the friendship.

If you really feel it’s fake not to share an opinion, even an informed one, you could say something like ‘yeah, this age can be rough but look how lively and confident Pablo is. He’d be a great team captain (or whatever). Thinking back, and I know it’s not the same situation, when DS was Pablo’s age (insert relevant anecdote.’

Then you leave her to put two and two together. If you absolutely must. Which is a big if.

Basically, it’s not done to ‘help’ people raise their children. I had a similar thing once, a very old friend didn’t take well to me saying something about her child; all I said was that I agreed with something she had previously said on way more than one occasion (he was showing indications of ASD). I back-pedalled like an Olympian when I saw her facial expression change and said something like ‘or actually, he might just be frustrated. He is so much cleverer than his peers, imagine how it must feel to be doing what he’s doing when everyone else barely knows how to count.’ She was mollified and we moved on. Sometimes people just don’t want advice or ‘help’ from their friends, they want reassurance and a bit of sympathy. She didn’t fall out with me but it was a near-miss. Didn’t do it again. I now only make encouraging comments about friends’ children, even if I think I do have a valid point to make or they say they’re struggling a bit. If they really want to know my views on what they ought to do, they can ask, no? Funnily enough, though, they don’t…

On the flipside, you clearly haven’t lost much because the friendship was pretty fragile if the whole family sacked you. Or maybe you hit a nerve. I’d leave it now, just be pleasant if you see her again and don’t mention it.

No you shouldn't have said this however well meaning you are. It's probably somethingbshe just didnt want to hear

YBVVVU to say ADHD is a mental health condition, it’s a neurological one.
shameful given your supposed to be a medical professional

So hard with friends as there's a tiny room for manoeuvre before people become very defensive, but I understand you feeling like you were somehow failing her if you didn't mention it, knowing what you know. You did overstep and the wording of your apology text is unfortunate ("I thought my advice might help you get the help you need" is incredibly condescending!) BUT I don't think you were being unreasonable in trying to mention it. I just think you slightly fumbled it. I don't think your family deserve to be dropped as a result esp as it sounds like you were pretty good friends. Hope you find a way through it.

Presumably your friend knew this is your line of work and knew about your older DS. I think if she had wanted your professional opinion she would have asked for it. I'm noy sure her commenting on her DS being difficult is her inviting you to suggest any possible diagnosis.

In this country, ADHD being assessed by a psychiatrist and it is a mental health condition albeit a neurological one as well, these two are not mutually exclusive. I think you may be too UK centred about how medical terms are being defined especially in other countries.

Whether or not he actually has ADHD I don't think you're being unreasonable just to mention it to her, her reaction is very extreme especially her husband blocking your husband over this

Please have a look at how other countries such as the US defines ADHD, American Psychiatric Association define it as a “mental health disorder”.

www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/what-is-adhd

not all doctors are trained in the UK

Tbh lots of people are prejudiced when it comes to all the ND, and believe that their child couldn’t possibly be because of their own ignorance about what it actually means. But ADHD is certainly not the only cause of that sort of behaviour, there are loads of causes including external like trauma. Might have been better to ask whether she thought a dr might be worth a try.
but at the end of the day, you apologised and it wasn’t anything terrible that you suggested, unless her view of ADHD is quite negative..

Unless I’m looking in a different place to you it says it’s a mental disorder not a mental health disorder. Not the same thing at all

"ADHD is typically diagnosed by mental health providers"

"ADHD may also co-exist with other mental health conditions"

I can see why people may get the definitions mixed up when there are two instances of ADHD being related to mental health conditions just on that page.

Both of my children have ADHD. I would have really appreciated someone who knew what they were talking about suggesting I might look into it because I was clueless. Clueless because to me they were normal because I also had undiagnosed ADHD. If someone like you had been in my life I’d have been aware and tried to access help far sooner.

I think you did the right thing and your friend is in denial.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, though your follow-up message could have been worded better.

I don't think you were wrong. Flipping it on its head a bit, what's so terrible about having ADHD that you can't mention the possibility? It's a neurological difference, and if we're serious about inclusion and supporting diversity, we should be able to talk about it.

Why? You were talking about his son and your husband is married to you. Unsure why you're confused.

I'm cringing at your apology text.

To be honest, if you phrased it the way you do here, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you said personally, it was polite enough and well meaning.

understand it’s hard for some parents to accept the possibility of disability but, as a disabled person myself (though not ADHD), I find it pretty hard to read some replies on here insinuating that having a disability is some kind of fault or flaw to be ashamed of.

Posts along the lines of, ‘’You’ve implied her son has a disability’’

Yes, and? What if he does? It’s not some sort of shameful thing that renders him less than.

I’m not normally easily offended but those attitudes are really off to me!

I don't think there was anything wrong with it.

Exactly. If you thought someone had cancer (misshapen mole) or something else physical would they take the same offence? It's ridiculous.
I have ADHD and the amount of stigma and the way others treat you can be quite upsetting.

One of the mums at my child's school was discussing ADHD with me. The teacher had said to her her child is showing ADHD traits. She was horrified. She said her and her partner had discussed which of them could have genetically given it to him. 'It certainly isn't from my side of the family' she said as if it was an embarrassing thing to pass on to your child.