To have insinuated my friend’s DS might have ADHD

[Ghostedbyfriend]

For context- I know this mum (let’s call her Maria) from DC previous school, we continued to see each other after change of schools, ie we go and grab coffee occasionally and we exchange friendly texts every few weeks or so. We also go to each other’s DCs’ birthday parties and sometimes we organise get together with the other parents. We have gone skiing together with our DHs and DCs. Her DH and my DH would go and get beer together on their own. We live in a southern European country (if this makes a difference in attitude). We have known each other for about 3 years. No issues, no arguments before. Our kids are good friends (or were). The issue stemmed from when I had witnessed her only child, DS’ (7) extreme behaviour (let’s call him Pablo) where he gets very emotional about something (yelling and screaming for minor things), attacking my DS physically when DS(6) did not want to play a certain game. Him shouting “I will kill you” to his dad for telling him off for throwing snowballs at my DD. I have over the years witnessed his difficult behaviour and quite extreme. Mind you I have raised two adults (one with severe ADHD) and two minors still at home. I am not a mental health expert by profession however I am a healthcare worker and dealt with many young adults and children with ADHD.
Maria has referred to Pablo being difficult and being very emotional, but she’s adamant that he is just like the boys in his class. I gently asked her if she had had him assessed for ADHD as I see similarities between him and my oldest DS when he was at that age and advised her it could be something to explore to help her DS regulate his emotions. She got very annoyed with me and said there is nothing wrong with him, that he is just boisterous. Every boy in his new class is the same. We left it at that. Then she ghosted me, when I had sent her texts. The latest was a Happy New Year message which she did not even opened. It’s been two months.
I am quite confused as to why she would be so defensive and annoyed. My DH who was not part of the conversation reached out to her DH just “hey what’s going on fancy a beer” and he blocked my DH too. No response. Like they just dropped us as a family.

was I being unreasonable to have mentioned her DS might have ADHD? I did not say for sure, just that it might be worth checking it out.

Contrary to many here, I wish anyone who had suspicions about DS had raised them with me earlier. The fact nobody had made me dismiss my suspicions as just me being an over anxious first time parent.

Because I am a different person to my husband and he is not responsible for what I say. It’s a bit immature to hold my husband responsible for what I have said. Her DH and my DH were good friends, at least say something to him, instead of ghosting. My DH did not deserve it.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. You didn't insist, you made a suggestion.

My friend did the same to me with DS2 she made suggestions and I admit I was a bit miffed but followed it up and yes DS2 now has an ADHD diagnosis (7 when he got that) and Autism diagnosis last summer at 11. I don’t think you did anything wrong but you have to accept there will be a lot of emotions she is dealing with and grief over the life her DS could have had and the one you are suggesting he may have. I don’t think YABU just trying to help and I’m sorry you lost your friend. I count my friend who suggested it to me as one of my closest friends on this planet so it can go one of two ways.

I guess in the end of the day, I wish her well and I hope she’ll be able to deal with her emotions and her DS. I know for a fact it’s not easy. I guess I felt some sort of loyalty (sisterhood) towards her. I am quite disappointed it was viewed as nosiness rather than genuinely trying to help and making her feel she isn’t alone.
I certainly felt quite lonely when my oldest got diagnosed at age 6, then I was still in medical school and a young mother.

A very good friend of mine suggested my son may have ADHD and I took it in exactly the way it was meant - it came from kindness and her looking to get me and my son support. Her own son was diagnosed so I guess she saw things I hadn’t seen and I was grateful for her suggestion to get him assessed. Even if she’s wrong, she remains a very good friend who I know would only ever have my best interests at heart and I would never take offence at her suggestion my son may have ADHD so no I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

Thank you for sharing your story! How uplifting that friends are appreciated for giving struggling friends unsolicited support!

I think there are lots of British cultural influences at play in these responses. The 'don't interfere', 'don't offer help if someone hasn't asked for it'.

The facts are:
*You arent a random stranger commenting on her shit parenting or interfering in something that you know nothing about
*You didnt assign any blame simply stated facts that he has behaviours similar to your son who has ADHD. That's not subjective or an opinion. It's a fact.
*She has told you she is struggling and talked about her sons behaviour. Yes she might have just been offloading and not wanting advice, but a. She didnt say that and b. Due to your job you are well placed to give advice so it's a fair assumption she may have wanted it
*you are experienced in this area in both a professional and personal way

So in these circumstances surely it's ok to state a fact and make a suggestion. She's reacting like you said his behaviour was all her fault for being a shit mum.

I think even if she is upset, in those circumstances I'd be thinking - what was the intent and what could the potentisl consequences be? Your intent was to help, and there are no potential negative consequences to a one off bit of advice that may actually get a child the help he needs. And that's the main thing, it's in the childs best interests to get a diagnosis if they have a condition and are struggling and there is help available through the diagnosis. And so I think the right thing to do was to say something, as saying something that could really help a child should come before potentially hurting a grown adults feelings, surely?

Personally I would have welcomed friends’ well intended advice, but I’ve learned the hard way to keep mum next time!

This! Her reaction is offensive and a real shame for her son, because it doesn't sound like she'll be capable of seeking support for him, which could improve all their lives.

You didn't do anything wrong OP.

YANBU. Your friend needs to stop being so blinkered and consider assessing her son for ADHD as it's in his interests. If he is diagnosed then the right understanding and support can be put in place. Rather than him being labelled as unruly forever. Your comments were well meant and coming from your own experience and insight. Your friend's reaction is unreasonable.

I think you meant well and she has overreacted. that said your 'apology' would only have compounded matters

Unfortunately some parents don't want their children being "labelled" as having additional needs and all that bullshit. My two children have additional needs and it' nothing to be ashamed of. They get help now and are doing a hell of a lot better with this help than before they were diagnosed. It has been nothing short of a massive relief for us to get this help and for me to understand how my son's mind works differently to mine, what works for him and what doesn't. I feel nothing but pity for children who have parents like the OPs friend.

My DD was diagnosed ASD last year as a teen and is currently also being assessed for ADHD I wish to hell someone had suggested it when she was younger. I suggested it to her teacher in primary school as a possibility and got the brush off. I think your friend is over sensitive. Her DS sounds like he needs support of some kind.

I think this is why teachers are so reluctant to raise concerns like this with parents. We assume that if no one mentions it, the child must be fine, when actually maybe no one is mentioning it for fear of causing offence. And people do get mightily offended. I have a friend who absolutely spits feathers about a nursery manager who raised the possibility of her child having some SEN. Hearing the vitriole I'm not surprised others are reluctant to raise it.

It's all very well to say we'd welcome the heads up, but if we'd been busy building defences and convincing ourselves the child is FINE for years, maybe it wouldn't be quite that easy. We don't always react like we think we would and emotions can understandably rule the roost when it's your own child. It's sad your friendship has floundered over this, but I wouldn't go down the rabbit hole of whether she's being unreasonable. Did she react emotionally rather than rationally? Probably, but people do.