40th bday big party issues

[Blessedwithsunshine]

I have NC for this because I know my friend uses MN.

Very good friend of 20 years + was 40yrs last month. We see each other every other week, text 2-3 times a week. We are very good friends. Friend said she was going on holiday for her 40th all good, she said she was planning a party in the summer instead.

Closer to the time she mentioned a friend was organising a small party for her - they share a hobby, and I was totally relaxed about it. Happy for her etc. Dropped her present etc over she didn’t even acknowledge the gift (which was expensive and thoughtful) at the time and went oddly silent for a period of time ( unlike her as she usually texts a few times a week)

We met up for lunch last week - it was a belated birthday lunch, and she tells me all about her party - turns out it was a huge, huge party including her parents, siblings, loads of friends. Friend would need to have been involved with the guest list as they wouldn’t have contacts for everyone there.

I don’t know if she misled me or I am being over sensitive? Despite her telling me all about her party, it’s oddly left a strange atmosphere between us. I paid for the lunch which again was very expensive but it is her fav place. No word of thanks. She mentioned my present was ‘okay’ I got the feeling she was underwhelmed, and I have worried since she is disappointed in it and i had messed up. So much so I thought I might get her something else to make up for it. It was a piece of jewellery and I don’t think she liked it.

I don’t mind per se about the party itself, and I know it is up to her who she invites but I feel hurt she couldn’t tell me, and now I don’t know whether just to downgrade the friendship? I have an intense job, 4 dc and I don’t have much spare time (understatement) and I feel she doesn’t value our friendship as much as I thought she did after this. I feel oddly used. AIBU?

I'm confused as to why you weren't invited to the party?

She said it was just hobby friends only

It was only afterwards she told me just how many people went! And so many were nothing to do with the hobby.

She sounds like a total cow!

Would anyone else be hurt by this?

I’d challenge her.

Do you not like your present? I can exchange it for you?

I feel like the friendship has cooled, am I mistaken?

Don't get her another present! You got her something thoughtful & expensive and then paid for an expensive lunch!
Did she even apologise for not inviting you? Or was she matter of fact about it being hobby friends only?

Sounds rather odd to me.

Surely the friend organising the party would have asked her who she wanted to come (given it was not a surprise), and you would have been invited.

You might need to be a bit assertive here and ask. You could send her a polite message asking if everything is ok, because she didn't seem overly pleased with the gift, and you felt a bit sad not to be invited to her party and wondered if you'd done anything to upset her.

Send via WhatsApp so you can see when it has been read.

Her response should sort things out. And if she doesn't respond (give her time) then I suggest downgrading the friendship, as it might have done its time.

That's nasty OP. You should have been invited. I suspect there's a bit of an atmosphere as she realises you should have been there.

To say your present was 'okay' is just rude.

I would definitely be down grading this friendship. Real friends don't treat others that way.

Yes, I'd be very hurt by this!

I'd be devastated by this OP. It's beyond hurtful.

I’d be very hurt, I’d never want to see her again if I’m honest. I just don’t think I could. It’s a really awful thing to do.

Don't bother getting her anything else. She's so ungrateful. If it was me I wouldn't bother with her anymore.

Never do anything for her again, she's a selfish, horrible friend

Well she wouldn't be my friend anymore. She sounds like an ungrateful cow.

Stop making excuses for her - she's being a bitch.

I really don’t want to overreact. I did ask her at the lunch. Something like wow that sounds like a proper party and she agreed and said it was amazing. I didn’t know what else to say.
I felt/feel embarrassed.
Mortified.
And I feel like second rate suddenly.

Don't buy another present.

In the way you'd be comfortable with (jokey, not jokey) ask her if everything is ok between you.

If she asks why say you feel she's been funny about her present and you didn't get an invite to her fab party!

After 20 years, if you can't talk to her frankly then this friendship isn't worth stressing about

Is this (usually) and equal and mutually beneficial friendship? Or are you always the one making the plans and sending the texts (and paying for things? Do you pay for things a lot?)

It sounds totally bizarre on so many levels but the expense stands out to me. An expensive gift, and expensive lunch and a present to make up for the fact you think she didn't like the first present? It's too much. With the financial side, is she taking advantage of you or you desperately trying to please her?

If I asked her I know for sure she will bat it away and say her friend organised it and she had no idea they would all be there, and of course she would have loved for me to be there. She will handle any questions I have without question. It will just make me look a bit sad and needy by asking.

OK well you are currently underreacting and that's probably why you're miserable. Standing up for yourself doesn't mean flipping the table and shouting at her, you could have told her you felt hurt not to be invited. What kind of friendship is it where you:

• can't tell then how you feel
• spend ££ on a present you put thought into and a lunch at their favourite place
• don't get an invite to their "huge" birthday party?

Will she be getting you something lovely for your birthday and treating you to an expensive lunch? Doubt it somehow.

This is madness.

She didn't invite you to a big bash.
She dragged your gift.
And then let you pay for an expensive lunch?

Drop her or pull right back.

What is the 40th birthday equivalent of a bridezilla? Because she's being it.

It's nasty, but when she reads this on MN surely the friendship is over anyway?

For those asking. It’s pretty equal in terms of organising meet ups, she also buys me lovely things. It felt like an equal friendship before this, slight age difference. We have other groups of friends but we always made lots of time for our friendship. It’s never been an issue.

Don't buy her another present. Why would you do that? That's just weird.

I don't think the friendship is as important to her as it is to you so yes I'd cool it right off.