40th bday big party issues

[Blessedwithsunshine]

I have NC for this because I know my friend uses MN.

Very good friend of 20 years + was 40yrs last month. We see each other every other week, text 2-3 times a week. We are very good friends. Friend said she was going on holiday for her 40th all good, she said she was planning a party in the summer instead.

Closer to the time she mentioned a friend was organising a small party for her - they share a hobby, and I was totally relaxed about it. Happy for her etc. Dropped her present etc over she didn’t even acknowledge the gift (which was expensive and thoughtful) at the time and went oddly silent for a period of time ( unlike her as she usually texts a few times a week)

We met up for lunch last week - it was a belated birthday lunch, and she tells me all about her party - turns out it was a huge, huge party including her parents, siblings, loads of friends. Friend would need to have been involved with the guest list as they wouldn’t have contacts for everyone there.

I don’t know if she misled me or I am being over sensitive? Despite her telling me all about her party, it’s oddly left a strange atmosphere between us. I paid for the lunch which again was very expensive but it is her fav place. No word of thanks. She mentioned my present was ‘okay’ I got the feeling she was underwhelmed, and I have worried since she is disappointed in it and i had messed up. So much so I thought I might get her something else to make up for it. It was a piece of jewellery and I don’t think she liked it.

I don’t mind per se about the party itself, and I know it is up to her who she invites but I feel hurt she couldn’t tell me, and now I don’t know whether just to downgrade the friendship? I have an intense job, 4 dc and I don’t have much spare time (understatement) and I feel she doesn’t value our friendship as much as I thought she did after this. I feel oddly used. AIBU?

I agree you'll get nowhere approaching her about it - she clearly has the hide of a rhino.

I have been dropped over last year by a friend I thought I was a very close friend. I know there's no point raising it as they will gaslight me that all good - despite the fact that I never get asked to join them for stuff any more etc - so have just let it go and moved on as they have. It hurts but no going back so I just see them as a Facebook acquaintance now. I think you should do the same.

I'd be very hurt. And definitely don't buy her anything else. Good friendships are a two way thing. Perhaps this one isn't what you thought it was. I'd dig deeper and if she skirts it, then so be it. Also, it's quite normal to grieve the loss of a friendship. Don't be afraid to do so or try and buy the friendship.

I’d text her and say something like - “just checking re plans for later in the year, you said that your main birthday party was going to be after you got back from holiday - is that still happening, just checking because I’d hate to miss it.”

If she deflects and doesn’t admit that she’s already had her big party, or invite you to the one she mentioned before then you know for sure where you stand.

Just do the same back to her re your birthday. If she asks before mention some vague celebration at a later date and then whoops a family member threw you an amazing surprise party on the day, who knew?

It's beyond hurtful.

Ask if she wants to exchange your gift, and then don’t give her another one.

Update us if she does have a party after her holiday.

@Slothmomma being ghosted is horrible isn't it?

There will always be a reason. There are a million trillion reasons possible. Most however will be things which can't be mended because they're so insubstantial . People change. Situations change ...

It's a good 11/12 years now since my ghosting and i STILL wonder why. The weird thing is that when this friend and i bump into each other (once every 18 months or so)(village) she's all massive bear hugs and ooooh how i miss you! (she even stopped the car and leapt out to do it once!) So on one of those occasions we said all the usual ''i'll text you!'' bollocks - but this time i did. She answered, said yes, we 'must go out for dinner'. Great i thought. Perhaps we can mend this. Texted yes, when. She suggested the following month. And then when next month came she made all the feeble excuses in the world why she could make it and went quiet again 🙄

That was about 5 years ago and i have genuinely given up now 😂

She sounds like a grabby horror. Yes, you’ve invested time and emotion into the relationship that feels like a waste, but at least you know where you stand now.

Don’t worry about looking petty - it’s your birthday and you should follow exactly her model and only invite the people you genuinely love and want to celebrate with. Try to detach and not care what she thinks - she’s clearly not bothered about what you think of her (which in itself smacks of her seeing herself as being superior to you, the ‘alpha’ in the friendship who can do as she pleases without consequence).

And yes, most people would be terribly hurt by this, OP. It’s the kind of exclusion/rejection that conjures up the little child inside us, makes us left out and not good enough, makes us vulnerable because we’ve misjudged a person and now feel exposed and stupid. Be kind to yourself. You’re not being over sensitive. Treat that inner voice as you would a hurt child - tell her she’s worth much, much more than this, that her friendship is valued by the people who love her.

Or failing that, get your real mates round for a crisps & wine and secretly toast goodbye to the twat who’s made you feel like this.

So?

I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her again.

Are there any occasions you would bump into her?

You feel used because you were used.

She sounds like a woman I know how has form
for building up friendships making the other person feel like a bestie and then dropping them as they no longer serve the purpose - usually doting them with compliments and flattery, making plans and inviting them to places and events and a priority then they get dropped and bitched about behind their back saying how needy and desperate they are.

she sounds just the type. Do not buy her anything else! Don’t even bother confronting her, keep your dignity and just dump her and move on.

It's pretty obvious how she feels about it.

She really doesn't care.

Why ask if she wants to exchange the gift, she's been horrible.

Like I said, take the gift back and don’t give her a new one. She didn’t even say thank you for it.

You say
I don’t rate my friends in tiers, they are all important to me!

yet in your opening post you said and now I don’t know whether just to downgrade the friendship?

which seems contradictory.

I haven't a clue which way to vote as there are too many questions.

Should I "downgrade the friendship" - I really don't know what this means, as I don't 'rank' friendships. If I am invited to something I want to go to, I go. If I want to spend time with someone, I ask them. I don't worry about who asked who, or if the other person also has other friends or not that they do things with, without me.

Should I get her another present ? No, of course no. Why would you even think that ?

What should I do about my birthday? (which isn't even for months and months and isn't even a "big" birthday) - Whatever you would like to do for your birthday. If you enjoy her company, invite her. If you don't, then don't. Faffing about with petty counting up whether friends did other things for their birthday or not seems such a waste of energy and your own emotional stability to me.

I mean, if she is such a good friend, then, during lunch when she was talking about the party, I'd have said something like "It sounds like a big party, with loads of your friends. Bit odd I didn't get an invitation" if that's what I thought / if it were something I felt hurt about - you'd got nothing to lose. However, there is no point in going back over it now.

I would just leave her on unread for all eternity

I'd be a mix of furious and very hurt.

I'd have to cut her out.

Don't buy another present.

I agree with you totally, I've seen this a lot,if one of my close friends did this I would have to question why and then decide if I still wanted to carry on the friendship or be done with it,

I don't know how she had the barefaced cheek to sit opposite her long term friend and smirk about her party and watch her friend look embarrassed, mortified, and downcast for even mentioning it.

If I asked her I know for sure she will bat it away ... She will handle any questions I have without question. It will just make me look a bit sad and needy by asking.

OP in the gentlest possible way, I think this is one of those situations where you have been seeing for some time her behaviour towards you without it consciously adding up.
This is down to her glibly spinning anything that's brought up to make herself look better.
For e.g.
You already know if you say anything to her about it she will bat it off - you know this because it's you've seen her do it before , maybe not with anything as clear cut as this and so you've given her the benefit of the doubt.
You also registered that she was disappointed with your gift, and not grateful for being treated to an expensive lunch. Who the heck has the bad manners to receive a gift and remark that its okay. So lukewarm.

You already know, I think from experience, that the way to "fix" things like this is to give her another, better gift to make up for the disappointing one. She knows that too. She wants another present to prove that you will overlook the party episode. You know this is the thing to do because these are the vibes she gives off - she expects people to work hard for her favour.
You already knw that Trying to talk to her in a meaningful way leaves you feeling embarrased, mortified, and "needy" for asking for a reasonable explanation.

All of these are reactions that she's taught you over time in responding to natural, normal questions. Total CF energy emanating from this one!

It hurts but when all three buses arrive at once - its much harder to ignore or give any benefit of the doubt. So you are not overreacting. You are recognising that her ungrateful behaviour is escalating and it's not acceptable.

Only invite people who make you feel happy to your party and you don't need to justify that to anyone.

She actually said your present was ‘OK’? And you paid for an expensive lunch too, and got no thanks?

FGS ditch her! She’s not a real friend at all - besides having no manners.

This kind of says everything I was going to, so....

I'm sorry OP. I've had a similar situation. It too me an embarrassing 6 years to recognise that my friend was a frenemy who didn't want me to feel secure, happy or valued in our friendship.

I've never regretting stepping back.

Did she actually say your present was just 'okay' or did you deduce that yourself by interpreting her expression?
If she actually said that then she's cheeky and rude.
If she didn't really gush over the present then maybe you were expecting a certain reaction and it didn't happen.

Drop her. She accepts gifts and meals without thanks and doesn't invite you yo parties. Bugger that.

Definitely don't invite her to yours. If you do see her mention how fabulous it was. Look confused if she asks why not invited. Oh I just followed your lead. I didn't think you'd want to come.

I can maybe imagine having a party and not inviting all my friends.

For example: I have a friend from an old work place we keep in contact and meet up. I hugely value her, her insights, the conversations we have and her friendship.

However, she's never met my husband or any of my friends from every day life, she seems quite seperate and just for me.

I probably wouldn't invite her to a party where my family and friendships groups would be as she doesn't know them, but I would organise for us to do something nice together.

I don't think this would upset her. I can imagine her having party and then telling me all about it over lunch. We share a lot and support but are not directly involved in each others every day lives.

Not all friendships look the same.

I cannot however imagine a scenario were someone says a present is 'OK' without that being hugely rude and hurtful.

I would feel gutted about not being invited to the party. Pretty thoughtless, especially if she casted an eye over the guest list.

TBH - I would either ask her outright and tell her you feel hurt by it (if you think she will learn from this) or take a step back from the friendship.

Re, the gift - I wouldn't feel too bad about that. Jewellery is so personal, yes you may have loved it but she might have thought 'it's OK' - for those kinds of gifts I would always give a receipt with it so they can exchange it

@Blessedwithsunshine - My honest advice would be to say to her the next time you're speaking with her (preferably face to face and not by text) that you were very hurt by her dismissive attitude when you were asking about her party, and what she thought of the expensive gift you got her and how you paid for lunch and she didn't even say thanks for that.

Wait (it'll be hard) and don't fill the silence with chatter.
See if she has anything to say about how your feelings were dismissed by her.

If she turns around and says that you weren't invited because it was only friends she has from the hobby, say that isn't actually true and you know that others were invited and and how you weren't invited and this hurt your feelings. You thought you had a different type of friendship and after this many years you feel that you have to speak up because if you don't clear the air now, there isn't much hope for the friendship to continue.

@UsingChangeofName - I think the Op means that she thought she had a friendship that both friends were on a par with each other, with no silly games being played. The 'friend' here seems to be a more transactional one, focussing on money/value of things rather than the overall value of the friendship. As for the OP 'downgrading' the friendship, you can move someone from a close friend to a friend or an acquaintance and still value their friendship. You just won't make yourself as available to them if they come knocking. At least that's what I think.