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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

40th bday big party issues

108 replies

Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:06

I have NC for this because I know my friend uses MN.

Very good friend of 20 years + was 40yrs last month. We see each other every other week, text 2-3 times a week. We are very good friends. Friend said she was going on holiday for her 40th all good, she said she was planning a party in the summer instead.

Closer to the time she mentioned a friend was organising a small party for her - they share a hobby, and I was totally relaxed about it. Happy for her etc. Dropped her present etc over she didn’t even acknowledge the gift (which was expensive and thoughtful) at the time and went oddly silent for a period of time ( unlike her as she usually texts a few times a week)

We met up for lunch last week - it was a belated birthday lunch, and she tells me all about her party - turns out it was a huge, huge party including her parents, siblings, loads of friends. Friend would need to have been involved with the guest list as they wouldn’t have contacts for everyone there.

I don’t know if she misled me or I am being over sensitive? Despite her telling me all about her party, it’s oddly left a strange atmosphere between us. I paid for the lunch which again was very expensive but it is her fav place. No word of thanks. She mentioned my present was ‘okay’ I got the feeling she was underwhelmed, and I have worried since she is disappointed in it and i had messed up. So much so I thought I might get her something else to make up for it. It was a piece of jewellery and I don’t think she liked it.

I don’t mind per se about the party itself, and I know it is up to her who she invites but I feel hurt she couldn’t tell me, and now I don’t know whether just to downgrade the friendship? I have an intense job, 4 dc and I don’t have much spare time (understatement) and I feel she doesn’t value our friendship as much as I thought she did after this. I feel oddly used. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:29

ThreeLittleDots · 30/01/2023 13:24

It's nasty, but when she reads this on MN surely the friendship is over anyway?

I think the gift that I so carefully picked for her made me feel like an idiot. ESP as she was si unimpressed. I had to pay for the lunch as we had arranged it before the party. I couldn’t cancel or bail out half way through.

If I call her out, she will say she didn’t organise it. But really it’s just a clever way of side stepping her responsibility for the guest list.

I am super hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:31

She is on holiday 🙏🏻 so I doubt she will see this msg as she is on a 12 hr flight

OP posts:
Princesspollyyy · 30/01/2023 13:31

If I was in her situation I would be mortified that you weren't at the party. I would not be able to sidestep the blame by saying that someone else had organised it.

She doesn't sound like a very good friend. Surely she can see how this might make you feel?

Original poster
Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:34

Princesspollyyy · 30/01/2023 13:31

If I was in her situation I would be mortified that you weren't at the party. I would not be able to sidestep the blame by saying that someone else had organised it.

She doesn't sound like a very good friend. Surely she can see how this might make you feel?

It feels like she doesn’t want to go there with the guest list just going on about how great it was. Yes, if it was the other way around I would feel terrible (and wouldn’t let it happen)

The real issue is my bday is coming up in the autumn and how do I deal with this? It would work petty not to invite her, but I don’t want her to come now. I haven’t sent any invites out yet at least. It has really ruined the friendship

OP posts:
Original poster
Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:35

Look petty

OP posts:
Princesspollyyy · 30/01/2023 13:37

OP it's easy, the friendship is over. Don't give her a second thought. If you're having a party that's great, don't give her an invite.

If you're still speaking by then and she questions it, just say someone else has organised it. Two can play that game.

Princesspollyyy · 30/01/2023 13:38

Also I don't think it's petty no to invite her, it's sensible.

Laiste · 30/01/2023 13:40

You mention age difference. What is it? <nosey>

Look - at the end of the day a friendship is meant to be an enjoyable and equally mutually benificial relationship.

You've said that if it was you with the big party and she got left out you'd be mortified.

She isn't.

I think this friendship has for whatever reason begun to decay, so let it go.

Re: your birthday party. Invite who you please! Have you got mutual friends with her who would be coming to your party?

SunshineAndFizz · 30/01/2023 13:41

Very odd behaviour - somethings up.

I don't think it's needy at all to ask her about, friendships should be on equal footing, not placating her.

"Hey <friend>, since our lunch the other day I've been thinking about what you said about your party. It sounded like all of your other friends were there, and I'd have loved to come if I'd known about it, and to be honest I'm a bit hurt I wasn't invited. Do you know if there's a reason <party organiser> didn't include me?"

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 30/01/2023 13:43

Friend dump her via friend distancing...... 2 faced cow

Laiste · 30/01/2023 13:43

Sometimes we never get the full answers for why things happen.

I've been there and got the T shirt with a long friendship which i thought was ok but went bad. It does hurt, and the wondering and worrying is only half of it.

Just quietly disengage now and save yourself torment.

Original poster
Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:43

Without being outing, she is quite transactional with other people. Always looking for an angle to monetise the connection. She has always liked the finer things in life, but I stupidly thought she really cared about our friendship. I feel used, I don’t know why.

I just see how I can pretend it doesn’t matter.

I feel like pulling back completely but I am so sad to lose our friendship.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 30/01/2023 13:44

Not to pick on the OP as it happens all the time here but I never understand why friendships/familial relationships are described as 'close' yet when it comes to asking really obvious questions - eg 'why didn't you invite me along if it was that big' - suddenly they're like strangers.

Original poster
Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:47

Laiste · 30/01/2023 13:40

You mention age difference. What is it? <nosey>

Look - at the end of the day a friendship is meant to be an enjoyable and equally mutually benificial relationship.

You've said that if it was you with the big party and she got left out you'd be mortified.

She isn't.

I think this friendship has for whatever reason begun to decay, so let it go.

Re: your birthday party. Invite who you please! Have you got mutual friends with her who would be coming to your party?

I had no idea it was decaying. It seemed really good - closer after the pandemic when her other friends ditched her. We were good.
5 years between us, I am the younger one.

OP posts:
Princesspollyyy · 30/01/2023 13:47

SleeplessInEngland · 30/01/2023 13:44

Not to pick on the OP as it happens all the time here but I never understand why friendships/familial relationships are described as 'close' yet when it comes to asking really obvious questions - eg 'why didn't you invite me along if it was that big' - suddenly they're like strangers.

The OP has already said that her friend will just brush it under the carpet if she asks. What's the point in asking if you won't get a proper reply? You're not going to achieve anything.

I think it's better to quietly take a big step back.

SleeplessInEngland · 30/01/2023 13:48

Princesspollyyy · 30/01/2023 13:47

The OP has already said that her friend will just brush it under the carpet if she asks. What's the point in asking if you won't get a proper reply? You're not going to achieve anything.

I think it's better to quietly take a big step back.

Show quote history

Yes, I read that, but if I was the OP who believed that then I wouldn't describe the friendship as close in the first place.

Original poster
Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:49

SleeplessInEngland · 30/01/2023 13:44

Not to pick on the OP as it happens all the time here but I never understand why friendships/familial relationships are described as 'close' yet when it comes to asking really obvious questions - eg 'why didn't you invite me along if it was that big' - suddenly they're like strangers.

I could ask her - yes.
She will tell me she didn’t organise it.
I could press her and say surely she would have had to supply contact details etc and she will say she really wasn’t involved.

It’s obvious for whatever reason she didn’t want me to be there. What would asking her achieve?

OP posts:
PinkArt · 30/01/2023 13:50

If I call her out, she will say she didn’t organise it. But really it’s just a clever way of side stepping her responsibility for the guest list.
If a mate organised my 40th and a friend close enough to buy me an expensive present and treat me to a one on one lunch wasn't invited, I'd be mortified. That would be my opener - how sorry I was that the organiser mate hadn't known to include them and how gutted I was not to party with them. Not 'god my party was great, sucks to be you that you weren't there'. That speaks volumes.
OP, it does sound like you're a second tier friend and of course that hurts. But don't try to fix this with another present, or asking for an explanation. Head up, move on and accept that that lunch was the price to discover she's not worth the effort.

Princesspollyyy · 30/01/2023 13:51

@PinkArt

Absolutely brilliant reply, couldn't agree more.

Original poster
Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:54

PinkArt · 30/01/2023 13:50

If I call her out, she will say she didn’t organise it. But really it’s just a clever way of side stepping her responsibility for the guest list.
If a mate organised my 40th and a friend close enough to buy me an expensive present and treat me to a one on one lunch wasn't invited, I'd be mortified. That would be my opener - how sorry I was that the organiser mate hadn't known to include them and how gutted I was not to party with them. Not 'god my party was great, sucks to be you that you weren't there'. That speaks volumes.
OP, it does sound like you're a second tier friend and of course that hurts. But don't try to fix this with another present, or asking for an explanation. Head up, move on and accept that that lunch was the price to discover she's not worth the effort.

That’s exactly it!!
I have just found out I am very much second tier.
I feel second tier now in every way, and I feel quietly furious about it. What a waste of decades of friendship and my time. I do feel like I am now not good enough for her.

I don’t rate my friends in tiers, they are all important to me! It feels crap.

OP posts:
Laiste · 30/01/2023 13:55

Oh 5 years - that's nothing Smile Thought you were going to say 10+ or something.

Didn't know it was decaying: There is always someone who is the last to know when things start to go wrong.

The thing is you can either ask her about it, or not. There isn't really a middle option. If you know she'll bat away questions then there isn't much point in asking tbh.

So; it's plod along feeling used
or ask and try and insist on having it out
or start to back away.

Her attitude towards the present and the lunch could be argued as being a matter of your perception (except that she didn't say thank you!). But the fact that she didn't ensure you were invited to The Biggest Best Party Ever speaks volumes.

To be fair she doesn't sound like a nice person at all!

Honeyroar · 30/01/2023 13:55

She’s treated you very badly. Not invited you, nor made any show of being sorry that you weren’t there. Took your gift without much thanks and made you feel bad about that too. Let you pay for lunch, knowing damned well you were upset. Don’t you dare buy her anything else!! She should be approaching you to make it up to you/apologise too if the friendship is to survive. You’d be better socialising with others and stepping back from her.

SleeplessInEngland · 30/01/2023 13:55

Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:49

I could ask her - yes.
She will tell me she didn’t organise it.
I could press her and say surely she would have had to supply contact details etc and she will say she really wasn’t involved.

It’s obvious for whatever reason she didn’t want me to be there. What would asking her achieve?

Show quote history

Tell her you're hurt. Maybe her reaction will surprise you. If it doesn't, you've still confirmed the kind of person she is.

DelToro · 30/01/2023 13:58

If as you say she will bat away any questions around why you weren’t invited then perhaps you need to take another tack on engaging with her over this.

She has very openly talked about the party so either she has the hide of a rhino or perhaps she thought you were invited but didn’t attend - it’s not beyond all possibilities that this was a misunderstanding

You could message something like
It occurred to me after our lunch the other day that you may have been under the impression that I was invited to the party and just didn’t bother to attend, naturally if I had received an invite I would have jumped at the chance to celebrate with you and I didn’t want you thinking I wouldn’t have absolutely prioritised this

If there has been a misunderstanding/miscommunication any decent friend would almost certainly respond with dismay that you’d been left out

Of course if she’s devious she may still respond with dismay, but at least you now have a safe way of talking about this and asking questions to gauge how she feels about this

Velvetween · 30/01/2023 14:01

Blessedwithsunshine · 30/01/2023 13:49

I could ask her - yes.
She will tell me she didn’t organise it.
I could press her and say surely she would have had to supply contact details etc and she will say she really wasn’t involved.

It’s obvious for whatever reason she didn’t want me to be there. What would asking her achieve?

Show quote history

Asking her outright gets it in the open. She has to lie out loud and you have to listen to the actual lie. And you can smile and nod as she confidently spins you a line. Then, when you quietly scale back the friendship she has that last conversation to reflect on.

Asking won’t change anything but I think it will be cathartic in the long run.