Mother with severe depression - and I can't face it

[BlessedKali]

I'll try to summarise a rather large picture as best I can-

My mum has always had bad mental health as long as I can remember, I was an only child and she was a single mum so it was mostly just me and her. When I say bad mental health I mean mainly depression and alcoholism

I don't know how and if this is related but she has always seemed to make poor choices for her life - not socialising, not having hobbies, drinking problems away, engaging in mind numbing activities (like playing dull games on a phone for hours rather than reading or other more positive pastimes) never doing excercise, always taking a taxi rather than walking, she never works. I list these things because it is hard for me to know what came first, the chicken or the egg. Is she like this because she is depressed, or depressed because she is like this?

Either way, it was quite shit at times growing up - she was very verbally abusive as a teenager when drunk, she wasn't there for me at all, she taught me nothing about how to manage the world, she quite often made out that it was my fault she was like that..... I basically dragged myself up and figured out how to be a woman, how to make life work.

Fastforward a few decades and now I'm a mum of 3 kids under 6. We (me and hubby) are in the middle of renovating an old mill, living in a static caravan whilst we do this (which is pretty full on work in itself), we are trying to be great parents, to pay for a good (steiner) school for our children, and I am trying to study. Basically: life is full on trying to give my kids everything and be a balanced human being.

Meanwhile my mum is still in the same position as before. Only now I don't have time to give her.
I obviously accept that she is not supportive in a normal motherly way to me, but I feel like at this time in my life I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO GIVE HER.

And basically I just feel bad that she is depressed and alone, and that I am not helping her.

But I can't even face ringing her. I just can't hear about her misery anymore, I am so, so worn out by keeping my family thriving, than even just hearing 20 minutes of the same, depressed, self-obsessed conversation that I have been hearing for what feels like forever .. I just feel like I can't

So I'm not really contacting her much...

AIBU?

You sound amazing 💗

You can do what you need to do to protect your mental health.

However, I’d advise you to learn more about actual depression. Your ignorance is showing.

You are doing so well, you can’t parent your mum as well. Don’t beat yourself up.

People aren’t depressed because they take taxis.

I'm so sorry you've been through this but at the same time I'm so grateful you posted it. Almost word for word I could've written this about my own mum and upbringing. Things kicked off again (and again and again) this weekend and I just feel like I have no more energy for it. Don't have any advice (if I did, I'd be taking it myself!) but sending you solidarity. It's all over a shitty thing to be saddled with.

Im glad you've cleared that up for me, i've been avoiding them just in case.

....

No, my possibly not very well made point, is that basically at every single opportunity my mother has, in which she could choose to do something that will benefit her physically or mentally, she chooses the easiest option.

She had a reasonably easy life, she had mentally stable parents, who doted on her and did everything for her. One example : she didnt learn to drive because her father drove her everywhere. He even drove me to school when I was little, rather than her do the school run.

At one point she worked ten minutes down the road, (in her brief years of working) and we lived along a sea front. She would ring a taxi, which would have taken her even longer than walking.

Walking would have given her endorphins, fresh air. Instead she got a taxi home and then drank a bottle of wine (and then told me how worthless i was)

I do wonder to what extent choices lead to depression, and what extent depression leads to choices. And I say this as someone living up close with depression, for decades.

No, which is why she didn’t say that her mum could have been depressed just because she took taxis…it’s a tiny example of a massive picture, don’t be unpleasant/dim.

OP absolutely not unreasonable, whatever is wrong with her and why, she has not been a good parent to you and you need to put you and your own family first now

It sounds like a difficult situation OP, but I think you need to be clear that it's your mother's specific situation/mindset your talking about rather than making sweeping statements about depression

Oh @BlessedKali my heart skipped a beat reading your OP.

My situation is similar and I wish I had answers for you.

Both my parents are in their 70s, they have been divorced since I was 5 and I struggle to offer the support that they want or need from me. Their disappointment is clear despite the fact that I am only one person, with one pair of hands and I am genuinely doing my best to juggle all my responsibilities.

My mum currently has a nasty cough. She has taken to her bed and according to my step dad she feels unloved because I haven't called her enough this week which is affecting her recovery and she is now too depressed to get out of bed. I've called or texted her every day and offered to visit but that's not enough. I have a rule that I don't speak with her after 6pm (other than emergencies) because she's usually blind drink by then and can be vicious and impossible in that state. Apparently that means I don't care about her.

I find myself more frustrated withy parents' inability to act like adults and with their mental health problems than I do with friends with depression and / or alcohol issues which makes me feel very very guilty. However, it is hard to be expected to parent your own parents especially when their own parenting skills were lacking and life was scary and chaotic as a child.

I wish I had answers for you. Do continue to prioritise your children, DH and yourself in all of this.

I am awake because I too am in a similar position albeit without the alcohol. I actually have decided, while struggling to fall asleep this evening, I’m mentally checking out. Have to parent my parent - handholding them at every stage when they should be handholding me without so much as a thank you - while dealing with a lot of my own, very serious shit almost alone (bar my DH who has been great but is also dealing with his own stuff) has been an absolute cancer in my life and I can’t take it anymore. I’m planning to email them a list of suggestions to improve their life and then effectively walk away unless it’s an actual emergency.

Clearly spoken by someone who doesn’t have a clue.

Op YANBU to have nothing much to give to your mother atm. You have your own young dc to focus on, a renovation project and your studies. That’s a lot!

No one would blame you for focusing on your own life atm so try not to feel guilty.

Speaking as someone who has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past, I think your mum might be suffering from acute crippling anxiety. Being unable to walk 10 minutes down the street and calling a cab instead is a classic sign. She could have been doing the best she could that day. People sometimes drink to try and handle anxiety too.

It was very hard on you as a child that your mum wasn’t able to make more of an effort on your behalf to improve her mh, but help is hard to come by even now when mh is talked about more openly. That doesn’t excuse her for abdicating all responsibility for her life now though or for being an unengaged parent. I think you would be justified in pointing her in the direction of support and letting her get on with it tbh.

Btw, I know it’s a repeating theme on Mumsnet so please don’t flame me, but something about the way you describe your mum and her narrow interests, not being able to hold down a job, the gaming etc made me think she might have ASD or some other issue. She obviously needs to explore the root cause of her difficulties; but if she is not interested in doing tbat, you cannot force her to do that.

Good luck op 💐

Btw I know many people with ASD, mh issues and personality disorders do hold down ft jobs, so I didn’t mean to cause offence by that comment. I just meant that depression and anxiety can be a symptom of other conditions and alcoholism can be a means of handling anxiety.

The thing is that depression usually isn’t linked to difficult life vs an “easy” life.

Also bullshit that a walk would give endorphins enough to overcome chronic depression. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Having said all that - do whatever you want - that’s your, and your mental healths, right. But you should probably stop pretending like you know anything about the physiological impacts of depression.

To all you amazing Women that had shity alcoholic parents.... think of yourself and your children NOW.

Ignore the silly replies on here because if that's all they can focus on..... maybe you've hit a nerve with them.

You only have one life....live it well.

OP it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with your children. You are, as you should be, prioritizing them over your mother and you do not need to feel guilty about that. You should be very proud of the family you have created virtually from scratch with no good role models for how a mum should be.

I think what people are objecting to are some of the sweeping generalizations you are making about depression in general. You may not mean to but you are kind of placing blame on your mum for her condition. Of course it must be hard to see your mum acting in a way that appears lazy or seemingly refusing to help herself. If you’ve never been paralyzed by anxiety and depression and consumed with shame it is impossible to understand what that feels like. It’s easy to be sympathetic to someone you read about online but when you are the one affected by their behavior it’s normal to feel resentment, even more so because it was the little girl version of you who was hurt the worst. Regardless of the reasons, your mum let you down in a big way and you don’t owe her anything. But the sad fact is she probably won’t be the only person you come across in life who struggles with anxiety and depression. It might help you, them, and your mum if you try to learn a bit more about how these things work.

4 things.

1. You sound like a great mum.
2. You know next to nothing about depression & sound hugely judgemental (understandably)
3. Where is your father in this scenario (no mention) did he ditch & leave it all to your mum ? (And now she's getting the blame
4. Look after yourself & your family first.

The reason that your getting pushback is because you're coming across mad at a woman for her ill-health. Most people now understand that depression is an illness and cannot be shaken off with a walk. It really is ridiculous to suggest so.
As for her "nice easy life" again, depression isn't an illness that just happens to people with bad lives.

For someone so impacted by her mother's depression, you know next to nothing about it. That comes across as totally lacking in care or empathy.

Read your own post back but replace your mums depression with some other illness just as an aide to understand.

All the very best with whatever you do.

That was amongst a list of things….maybe go back and read it again before you embarrass yourself further.

Just to remind, OP’s mother isn’t just depressed but took this out on OP as a vulnerable child growing up - very verbally abusive and telling OP how worthless she is. I’m sure that’s just tip of the iceberg too. Depression/anxiety is no defence of that.

Of course a walk can’t cure depression but a determination to keep getting out (and to get better and seek help) is important, even if it feels impossible at the time. For whatever reason her mother never found the motivation to do that. I suspect re chicken & egg OP it’s a combination of the two, and a vicious cycle combined with the alcohol. And she sounds like a horrible person too - most people with depression and anxiety don’t abuse their children.

Sorry I know the thread is getting away from your original AIBU. Your new priority has to be you and your family, you have given her enough of your energy. If she decides to get help then maybe you may feel up for supporting her more, but it doesn’t sounds like she’s near that point. And to be honest as she was an abusive parent I don’t feel you owe her anything - she’s made her bed.

That's what you chose to take from all of this?

OP, YANBU

I think there are two separate issues.

Firstly it sound like your mum is struggling hugely with anxiety and depression.

Secondly your mum is an abusive alcoholic.

I’d say YABU if it was just the first one but as it’s both YANBU.

Could there be any support out there, Alcholic support service or something?
If I search for alcohol support in our area a social services page comes up with 'a team of trained professionals' to support abuser. Perhaps there is something you can get rolling for your DM - though I suspect she will have to show willing.
Or try her GP.

My mum was very similar and it took me until I was in my 40s to work out why she was depressed, why she never did X/y/z, why she was so awful to me and and my siblings, why she always let us down but expected a lot from us. It’s because she was an alcoholic! I think when you’re in this situation it’s so difficult to see.
My mum died at 60 from liver and kidney problems, for the last year of her life, non of her children were in any meaningful contact with her, she did something so awful to my brother that we all had had enough and knew we had to protect ourselves and our children.

@BlessedKali your mum is messing up her life and it is not your job to allow her to continue down that path. She has to realise she needs help from professionals and access help for her alcoholism.