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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother with severe depression - and I can't face it

99 replies

BlessedKali · 30/01/2023 00:01

I'll try to summarise a rather large picture as best I can-

My mum has always had bad mental health as long as I can remember, I was an only child and she was a single mum so it was mostly just me and her. When I say bad mental health I mean mainly depression and alcoholism

I don't know how and if this is related but she has always seemed to make poor choices for her life - not socialising, not having hobbies, drinking problems away, engaging in mind numbing activities (like playing dull games on a phone for hours rather than reading or other more positive pastimes) never doing excercise, always taking a taxi rather than walking, she never works. I list these things because it is hard for me to know what came first, the chicken or the egg. Is she like this because she is depressed, or depressed because she is like this?

Either way, it was quite shit at times growing up - she was very verbally abusive as a teenager when drunk, she wasn't there for me at all, she taught me nothing about how to manage the world, she quite often made out that it was my fault she was like that..... I basically dragged myself up and figured out how to be a woman, how to make life work.

Fastforward a few decades and now I'm a mum of 3 kids under 6. We (me and hubby) are in the middle of renovating an old mill, living in a static caravan whilst we do this (which is pretty full on work in itself), we are trying to be great parents, to pay for a good (steiner) school for our children, and I am trying to study. Basically: life is full on trying to give my kids everything and be a balanced human being.

Meanwhile my mum is still in the same position as before. Only now I don't have time to give her.
I obviously accept that she is not supportive in a normal motherly way to me, but I feel like at this time in my life I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO GIVE HER.

And basically I just feel bad that she is depressed and alone, and that I am not helping her.

But I can't even face ringing her. I just can't hear about her misery anymore, I am so, so worn out by keeping my family thriving, than even just hearing 20 minutes of the same, depressed, self-obsessed conversation that I have been hearing for what feels like forever .. I just feel like I can't

So I'm not really contacting her much...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 30/01/2023 07:37

@PurpleMarie that's what you took from the post ?

She's an adult and responsible for making her own decisions. Some will be outside her control. Most won't.

She chooses to drink, not look after her physical health and educate herself. HER choices.

You can only help someone that wants to help themselves.

edenhills · 30/01/2023 07:37

Another one here in the same boat, hugs to you x

LizzieSiddal · 30/01/2023 07:38

@Darthwazette the two things are not separate. No one can help her with anxiety and depression unless she stops being an alcoholic!

OllytheCollie · 30/01/2023 07:40

I would separate out the blame issue which isn't important from what you can handle now.

It is ok as a parent of three young children with a busy life to say I don't have time to care for my mother now. She isn't terminally. She is unhappy. But you are not responsible for her happiness and you also cannot make her better.

Decide what level of contact is manageable for you and do that without guilt. Your boundaries matter and your family now matters.

She does not need to be a bad person or responsible for her depression for you not to be able to help her right now. You have plenty of people to care for and you know contact will not make her recover.

BogRollBOGOF · 30/01/2023 07:53

YANBU She gave you nothing positive and you have nothing positive left to return.

Her behaviour has been static and choosing the path of least resistance for decades and people like that very rarely change and enabling them doesn't help. Whatever the underlying reason for her depressed, abusive, addictive behaviour, any positive change has to come from her, and there's no point in OP flogging herself at the cost of her own young family.

I'm sure OP would feel very differently if this was a loving, caring mother who'd hit a difficult phase and needed a bit of nurturing for a while.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/01/2023 08:17

It's very hard growing up with a parent who is mentally ill. And it's ok to have nothing left in the tank when it comes to dealing with their mental illness.

ShouldBeWorking23 · 30/01/2023 08:20

Your mum is an alcoholic and nothing else will change until she addresses that. I’m so glad you got out and found your own life. Look after yourself . Yes depression is complex but it will never be sorted until you address the alcohol and you can’t change or cure that

VastQuantities · 30/01/2023 08:20

(1) You can't 'fix' your mum.
It has to come from her and she will require significant professional help.
(2) It's not your job or your responsibility to 'fix' her.
You need to decide how much time/ emotion you can spare for her without sacrificing your own well-being or your family. And then, almost mechanically, give that time- but give it sincerely.
e.g maybe you can manage one 20 minute phone call a week. Prepare yourself for it. You know what's coming... but...Listen to her. Validate her feelings- it doesn't mean you agree with them. Make one offer of help- and then ring off.
Consider what you are able to offer and offer it sincerely. You can stay in contact. You can offer help. That is being supportive. But recognise, and free yourself from any guilt, that you can't fix her and it's not your responsibility. You can still offer a connection, a relationship, some love and support- but in a way that doesn't drag you down.

Janieread · 30/01/2023 08:22

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Fucking hell, this site can be unbelievably toxic.

OP, you sound like you've done an amazing job with your life. Please don't feel guilty. Perhaps some RL counselling would be helpful. Carry on doing what you are doing and please ignore the nasty twats on here.

ShouldBeWorking23 · 30/01/2023 08:22

Foxywood · 30/01/2023 07:31

Could there be any support out there, Alcholic support service or something?
If I search for alcohol support in our area a social services page comes up with 'a team of trained professionals' to support abuser. Perhaps there is something you can get rolling for your DM - though I suspect she will have to show willing.
Or try her GP.

Alcoholics don’t change for anyone but themselves

Habber · 30/01/2023 08:24

❤️
I get what you were saying, my mother is the same (although doesn’t drink). I don’t parent her anymore either!

my mum doesn’t help herself so it’s like a cycle. But she feels comfy trapped in it and doesn’t want to try new things. These are not your issues to solve

Janieread · 30/01/2023 08:29

And for anyone truly ignorant about alcoholism, the taxi thing is a common manifestation of the lack of self care that often goes with it. Many severe alcoholics are lazy slobs because they exist in a comfort zone which keeps getting smaller and smaller until it is literally them and drink.

beachcitygirl · 30/01/2023 08:33

Janieread · 30/01/2023 08:29

And for anyone truly ignorant about alcoholism, the taxi thing is a common manifestation of the lack of self care that often goes with it. Many severe alcoholics are lazy slobs because they exist in a comfort zone which keeps getting smaller and smaller until it is literally them and drink.

I agree

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/01/2023 08:33

Yep!

kingtamponthefurred · 30/01/2023 08:36

I'm surprised you have any contact at all, to be honest.

romdowa · 30/01/2023 08:43

She was a lazy and abusive alcoholic. Alcohol is a depressant, so in the mornings she couldn't walk to work because she was sober , hungover and had the fear. But you'll get the apologists here who defend every addict to the bitter end and their right to wreck lives.
My advise is to leave her to it and live your life guilt free

stonebrambleboy · 30/01/2023 08:47

romdowa · 30/01/2023 08:43

She was a lazy and abusive alcoholic. Alcohol is a depressant, so in the mornings she couldn't walk to work because she was sober , hungover and had the fear. But you'll get the apologists here who defend every addict to the bitter end and their right to wreck lives.
My advise is to leave her to it and live your life guilt free

Good advice.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2023 08:47

To paraphrase the great Jacinda Arden you have nothing left in the tank.
Your Mum is not your responsibility, help if you can/want to but I don’t blame you for just not having the time or mental energy to deal with her

Janieread · 30/01/2023 08:47

romdowa · 30/01/2023 08:43

She was a lazy and abusive alcoholic. Alcohol is a depressant, so in the mornings she couldn't walk to work because she was sober , hungover and had the fear. But you'll get the apologists here who defend every addict to the bitter end and their right to wreck lives.
My advise is to leave her to it and live your life guilt free

Yes, I agree.

Greenfairydust · 30/01/2023 08:51

Some really bizarre comments on this thread from people who obviously have never found themselves in this situation.

OP, it is not your job to ''fix'' your mother.

Having depression is not an excuse for draining the life out of everyone around you.

If alcohol is also an issue your mother has also made an active decision to fuck up her life...

I also grew up with two parents who had issues with depression. Just like your mother they had: no friends, no hobbies, no interests in anything, were negative about everything, angry and verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I was always walking on eggshell and was used an emotional punching bag as a child and as a teenager. It was an absolutely miserable time. They were told many times by healthcare professionals to see counsellors but always refused and were on anti-depressant for a while then would stop the treatment against medical advice. My father also lost his job after job due to his aggressive and inflexible behaviour.

Although depression is tough it does not give the person with the condition a free pass for behaving as they wish and hurting others.

They also need to have the will to actively help themselves and do something to improve their situation.

OP, you are not here to be your mother's psychiatrist and you don't have to put up with the negative impact on your life.

Your priority has to be your own children and yourself.

I would put your foot down and tell your mother than she needs to seek professional help then start distancing yourself from her until she really addresses her issues. She is an adult and has to take responsibility for her life.

My parents never did seek support or accept they had issues and in the end I distanced myself from them and I cannot tell you the relief of not having this dysfunctional dynamic in my life anymore.

U2HasTheEdge · 30/01/2023 08:55

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Nah. Her mum doesn't sound like she was kind to OP. She was verbally abusive and blamed OP for her problems.

Nothing has changed, her mum is still in the same position as she was when OP was a teen. I'm surprised you have contact at all, if anything.

Do what you need to do for your own mental health, OP. Try not to feel guilty about that, you can't help your mum.

Sleepless1096 · 30/01/2023 08:57

You will do a better job parenting your own children if you keep whatever you have left, however little it is, back for yourself.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves. And it's not your responsibility to 'save' her. It was her responsibility to look after you.

Backstreets · 30/01/2023 08:57

Focus on yourself and your family op ❤️
we don’t run on infinite resources sadly

Mistletoewench · 30/01/2023 08:58

beachcitygirl · 30/01/2023 08:33

I agree

Show quote history

Completely agree, alcohol and depression and completely intertwined.

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/01/2023 08:59

She was abusive towards you, which in my view means she's lost any right to your support and sympathy. I would put yourself and your family first.