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Original poster

My mum died today, please help me

115 replies

thisblankspace · 29/01/2023 21:59

I feel blank. I loved her so much and I miss her already but it's like all my thoughts and emotions have just gone to a blank space. It doesn't feel right. I have lost another close family member before and it wasn't like this, though perhaps I'm not remembering right?

Mum's illness was intense and the last six weeks in hospital were really tough on her. I've not had enough sleep during all that time and only a couple of hours in last two days so maybe it's that?

I feel like my brain and emotions are sort of far away and I'm not attached to them, so it's a huge effort to even know what I'm thinking (not much) or feeling (I don't know)?

Am finding it hard to do any sort of task however simple. Struggling with talking with loved ones.

I just want to lie in bed and read or watch mindless stuff.

OP posts:
EnglishMuffins · 29/01/2023 22:39

I’m so sorry OP xxx

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/01/2023 22:40

I’m so sorry OP.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/01/2023 22:43

Dear OP - my condolences on the death of your DM. You are exhausted and in shock; that's the blank feeling. Your mind is protecting you right now so you can do what you have to do in the coming days regarding letting people know, making funeral arrangements and sorting things out, and coming to terms, slowly, with the fact of bereavement. I echo what other people have said - rest, try and eat, go out for a walk if you feel up to it. There's no right and wrong way to mourn, just your way.

nickelbabe · 29/01/2023 22:48

thisblankspace · 29/01/2023 22:33

It is good to hear the blankness is a fairly common reaction, it is unnerving.

So common.

I didn't know how I was supposed to react, and the most realistic one I could think of was the episode of Buffy where her mum died. The whole total quiet, strange lack of colour in the scenery and camera angles. It definitely was the closest to how the world suddenly appeared - like all the colour had gone.

Mariposista · 29/01/2023 22:48

So so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself. Rest, don’t feel obliged to entertain or answer questions. Try and eat healthy food and drink plenty of water. Don’t drown your sorrows in alcohol (you will feel so much worse). All the best.

Badger1970 · 29/01/2023 22:52

My Dad died on Friday, and I'm feeling exactly what you are. He had liver cancer, and the last 6 months of my life were completely tied up with looking after him.

I feel so horribly numb today. I haven't cried once. It's as if my brain isn't taking on board what's happened, and I have a funny feeling that it's some degree of self preservation. I'm frightened that when I do start crying, I may never stop.

Eleanorbeleanor · 29/01/2023 22:54

Seconding everyone who is saying that there is no “normal” way to grieve something as big as this. I went into work two days afterwards, for three days before the weekend. Everyone thought I was mad but I found it soothing to be somewhere where I could think about something else (my colleagues were lovely and just let me get on with it).
And I kept waiting for a massive wave of acute grief to hit me and it never did (my DM had been ill for a while and I think I’d done a lot of grieving before she actually died). I wasted quite a lot of energy worrying that I wasn’t doing it right.
It was 11 years ago but I still feel stabs of sadness when something happens that she would have loved or that reminds me of her - but the happy memories definitely have priority now.
Be kind to yourself - the duvets sound perfect.

ArabellaScott · 29/01/2023 22:57

❤

Sending you all my very best, OP.

HikingforScenery · 29/01/2023 22:59

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐❤️

Run31 · 29/01/2023 22:59

I am so sorry for your loss. Everything that you are feeling is normal and it will take time. Take it step by step, one thing at a time, literally, if that's what you need to do. You won't feel like this forever. I know it's hard, gut wrenching, but bit by bit, it does get easier.

My dad died 6 months ago to the day tomorrow. It took everything in me just to get showered in the days that followed. I literally took it step by step. I had 8 weeks off work. I miss my Dad so much and every now and again I feel like I have been punched in the stomach when I think about him not being here. I still find it hard to believe, but, I can get up and get on with my day. Some days I have a cry, sometimes a week has passed and I haven't cried. It will get better but please look after yourself and take it step by step. If it helps, I got some sleeping tablets off the doctor 2 weeks in which gave me the sleep my body desperately needed. Taken all the time you need and be kind to yourself

Sending love. ❤️

FiftyNotNifty · 29/01/2023 23:01

So sorry for your loss. I lost my parent a couple of weeks ago, and spent a lot of the weeks before they passed sitting by their bedside. In the week before they died and in the few days afterwards I felt just like you...sat numbly watching complete shit on the TV for an hour or so after the kids went to bed, then went to bed and didn't sleep.
Then I had some days straight after of being quite hyper and busy and talkative and efficient.
Then I hit a wall and have never felt so tired and unable to do anything.
Now I seem to fluctuate between these states on a daily basis!
It's so strange and unknown and tough.
Just do whatever you need to do and take care of yourself

CrazyLadie · 29/01/2023 23:03

H
I am do sorry for your loss. I think that's pretty normal, ya can only cry for so long and after that your mind tries to protect you by almost blocking it out which leaves you numb, blank and lost. Just go with the flow, feel however you feel in that moment. Losing a parent is such a huge thing no matter the circumstances or our age ❤️

dapsnotplimsolls · 29/01/2023 23:04

I'm very sorry for your loss. Do whatever you need to do and let your DP look after you.

Sallydimebar · 29/01/2023 23:05

❤️❤️

TellySavalashairbrush · 29/01/2023 23:07

what You are experiencing is totally normal lovely. You do whatever feels right for you during the next few days/weeks. Take each day as it comes for the time being. Sending a virtual hug to you ❤

quantumbutterfly · 29/01/2023 23:07

I am sorry for your loss OP, when my mum died it was like the circle that was our family had broken.
I felt like a rock in the middle of a fast flowing river, I was still and everything was rushing past.

It takes time to adjust to life without such an important person in it.

If you have friends and family to lean on, now is the time to do it.

Cabella · 29/01/2023 23:07

I'm so sorry OP. Can you have a couple of days in bed so you don't have to think? Your mum is out of pain and suffering now, but you sound exhausted and need a good rest. I hope you will feel better soon Flowers

thisisasurvivor · 29/01/2023 23:08

My dad died last week

I totally get what you mean

Sending you all the best wishes
It is so hard

Mammyloveswine · 29/01/2023 23:08

I'm so sorry. My mam died very suddenly almost 5 weeks ago and I'm still in shock.

Be kind to yourself and it's ok to watch mindless tv!!!

Do you have people around you for support? There is no right or wrong way to feel.

Sending you much love and please message me if you want to talk. 💕💕💕💕

weRone · 29/01/2023 23:09

I'm so so sorry for your loss Flowers heartfelt condolences to you. Be gentle with yourself

Cabella · 29/01/2023 23:09

@quantumbutterfly
Great post, the description of being a rock in a river with everyone rushing past.
I bet you thought why is the world just carrying on when I have lost a loved one?
Thankyou for sharing.

georgiegherkin · 29/01/2023 23:10

so very sorry 💐

1994girl · 29/01/2023 23:14

So sorry OP

thisisasurvivor · 29/01/2023 23:15

Go easy on yourself op

So sorry for your loss xxxxxx

DumpedByText · 29/01/2023 23:19

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum. My mum passed in August last year, for the first week I just napped, watched drivel on the TV and drank tea. I had no motivation to do anything, so I didn't.

Choose a good funeral directors and they will guide you through everything. Also go easy on yourself and only do what you feel able to.