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Original poster

My mum died today, please help me

115 replies

thisblankspace · 29/01/2023 21:59

I feel blank. I loved her so much and I miss her already but it's like all my thoughts and emotions have just gone to a blank space. It doesn't feel right. I have lost another close family member before and it wasn't like this, though perhaps I'm not remembering right?

Mum's illness was intense and the last six weeks in hospital were really tough on her. I've not had enough sleep during all that time and only a couple of hours in last two days so maybe it's that?

I feel like my brain and emotions are sort of far away and I'm not attached to them, so it's a huge effort to even know what I'm thinking (not much) or feeling (I don't know)?

Am finding it hard to do any sort of task however simple. Struggling with talking with loved ones.

I just want to lie in bed and read or watch mindless stuff.

OP posts:
strawberriesarenot · 29/01/2023 22:10

I am so sorry. You are in shock. Try and be kind and gentle to yourself.
All the love and loss and tiredness are whirling around you like a snowstorm. One day the tiredness will end, and the loss will calm and the love will settle like a warm blanket and be with you always.

SidewaysOtter · 29/01/2023 22:11

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

SnuggleBuggleBoo · 29/01/2023 22:13

Sending enormous hugs ((((((((HUG))))))))

It's perfectly normal to feel blank or numb. Grief is so weird, it just does it's own thing which can seem odd or unexpected. There's nothing 'wrong' with feeling the way you do though.

TheOriginalEmu · 29/01/2023 22:14

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in 2021 after her being very unwell for 6 months and to be perfectly honest my only feeling at first was relief. Relief she wasn’t suffering anymore, relief I didn’t have to try and juggle hospital and kids and work, relief I could be at home and not feel guilty for not being with her, and vice versa.
The first couple of weeks were on autopilot and in some ways quite…nice? We spent a lot of time as a family me, my sister and the kids. Talking, remembering, laughing.
The grief came later.

what I’m saying is however you feel is ok. There is no right way to grieve. ❤️

DestinysGrandchild · 29/01/2023 22:14

❤️❤️

Topee · 29/01/2023 22:15

I’m so sorry Flowers

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 29/01/2023 22:15
Flowers
Original poster
thisblankspace · 29/01/2023 22:15

I just don't feel like myself at all.

I honestly don't understand this state, where I'm not relaxed but I am calm? I feel like sleep would help but can't sleep.

I don't want a glass of wine to aid falling asleep as it doesn't feel like it would work?

Similarly I have a diazepam for the dentist and I don't feel anxious or upset, so there's no point taking it.

It's like being upset but in a calm way so everything has just disappeared out of me and I can't access "me" as usual, so I can't work out what would soothe myself.

OP posts:
JustSaying101 · 29/01/2023 22:16

Sending you hugs, OP. So sorry for your loss 💐

Againstmachine · 29/01/2023 22:18

My mum passed in August after a years illness.

All I can say is there is rights or wrongs with grieving you do what you feel is best at the time.

Look after yourself x

WoolyMammoth55 · 29/01/2023 22:18

Bless you OP, my guess is that you're in shock. Take your time, don't feel like there's anything 'wrong' with your experience. It'll most likely come in waves as the days and weeks pass.

Wish you all the best, so sorry for your loss.

SirVixofVixHall · 29/01/2023 22:19

I am so very sorry OP. You are in shock, the blankness is because you haven’t processed all of this yet.
It is a huge, huge thing to lose your mother. I hope you have people around who will take care of you and help. I remember the blank feeling when my own Mum died, I didn’t really cry, it was all too much to take in.
Try to eat, sleep if you can. There is a lot to do when someone dies and that carries you through the first few weeks.
So sorry for your loss

Untitledsquatboulder · 29/01/2023 22:20

So sorry OP. Flowers

My father is dying at the moment. A lot of the time I feel like I'm in a play, acting the part of a woman who's father is dying - I do and say the right things but feel nothing at all. Then every now and then it hits me. I'm sure in time my feelings will catch up with me and I'm sure yours will too. Right now shock and exhaustion will be taking their toll.

nickelbabe · 29/01/2023 22:20

Shit.
i'm so so sorry.
My mum died last January, and it's still so raw.
The next couple of weeks aare going to be fucking weird. You will feel like your entire insides have been pulled out, but you're still
moving and functioning, but you have no idea how.
I remember lying on my bed and just screaming with a roar that felt like something else was making the sound.

On a practical level, you phone the registrar and there's a form they do for you which will do all the official stuff. You'll need tto contact her solicitor for the will and her bank. But pension etc will all be done with the phone call.
You'll need to find a funeral director, but most of those will sort out all the details for you.
Hopefully her estate will pay for the funeral costs.

The next few weeks will be a huge whirlwind. Do you have siblings or a close friend you can talk to? I found that I had to talk and talk, but even just being with people was helpful.

SoShallINever · 29/01/2023 22:22

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
I lost my Mum in Oct and I've never felt pain like it either. What helped was knowing that I carry her DNA in every cell in my body, so she's with me all the time.
I didn't want to go down the medication route, (but I totally get why people would) I preferred reading and crap boxed sets to get me through the storm. Then one day it was sunny outside and I managed a walk and I've got back on track from there.

Be gentle to yourself.

nickelbabe · 29/01/2023 22:24

Also, yes, do lie on.the bed and do mindless stuff. As long as you do the legal and admin stuff, fucking do what you need to do to cope.

I drank all their beer and watched Bones on DVD. (My dad's still alive but has dementia, but they bought their beer in bulk so had loads left (dad can't drink), and I got through it in the 3 weeks i stayed there), in the evenings after my sisters left.)

You do whatever you need to do, as long as you are safe.

Member869894 · 29/01/2023 22:25

Just popped in to say that I felt exactly like this when my mum died. Like everything was the same but at the same time nothing was the same and never would be again. Just go with it and be kind and gentle to yourself. I'm sorry for your loss xx

Shampern · 29/01/2023 22:29

I'm so sorry for you. It hurts like hell. You just have to go with whatever it brings. It will one day get getter.

bitofablanklook · 29/01/2023 22:31

Op, you're in shock so these feelings are totally normal and they might go on for a few days. I lost my mum very suddenly about 2 years ago and for the first couple of days I just sat in a chair and pretty much stared at a wall in complete shock and disbelief. I think this numbness is nature's way of shielding us from the full force of grief.

I can only echo what the others have said....be kind and gentle to yourself.❤️

tiggergoesbounce · 29/01/2023 22:31

I am sending all my thoughts to you.

It was the single worst day of my life when my mum died. And continues to be the hardest thing i have to deal with still 5 years on, but you do learn to live with, and manage, all that pain and emotion.

It sounds weird, but it magnified how much i loved her when i lost her, as she was my best friend as well, but that came a few days later.

Initially, i was numb, almost frozen. I just didn't know how to feel or what to do. It was the strangest feeling.
I was exhausted but just couldn't sleep, but it felt like my body had shut down of everything it knew previously.

All that you are feeling now is perfectly ok. There is no right way to grieve. Do it however you need to. You will fall asleep, maybe not tonight, but you will, so for now lie down, read, watch rubbish TV, or anything you need to.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
thisblankspace · 29/01/2023 22:32

Im wrapped in duvets in bed now and just going with it.

Might get DP to bring me some chocolate in bed.

It's so shit isn't it, I am so sorry for everyone else who is in the same boat too.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisblankspace · 29/01/2023 22:33

It is good to hear the blankness is a fairly common reaction, it is unnerving.

OP posts:
strawberriesarenot · 29/01/2023 22:36

thisblankspace · 29/01/2023 22:33

It is good to hear the blankness is a fairly common reaction, it is unnerving.

I think it's how your mind protects you, and shouldn't be fought against.

I am struggling with a much lesser grief just now. All I can do is read books I first read 40 years ago as a child.

Sleep and be kind to yourself.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 29/01/2023 22:37

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.
When mine passed away I just sat and drank hot sweet tea . Took time off work and just sat and thought of nothing.
You brain is trying to sort it all out. Take it easy and don't push yourself xx

samqueens · 29/01/2023 22:39

So sorry for your loss 💐