If your parent had an affair

[ForThePurposeOfThisPost]

Name changed for this post. If your parent had an affair and left to be with the OW/OM (and went on to have a long and happy relationship/marriage) did you have a choice in meeting the new partner? Were you old enough to have a say? Did your betrayed parent prevent you from meeting them? Did your betrayed parent make you choose an allegiance? As an older teen/adult did your feelings change? I'm interested to know how other families navigated this and whether I'm being unrealistic in my expectations.

And if you care to vote....

YANBU= DCs should be able/encouraged to form a relationship with the new partner if they wish.

YABU= The betrayed parent has every right to prevent DCs from meeting the new partner.

This is an interesting one. My parents split when I was 2 as my mum found out my Dad had been having an affair with a mutual friend since before I was born.

My mum was amazingly selfless about it and although my Dad left the family home and mum had custody of me, she was perfectly civil with him when I saw him at weekends.

He is still with my stepmum (the OW) now 40 years later! I met her when I was 6 and they married when I was 9. I didn't like her at first but I was a child and didn't understand. Now she's known as Nana by my kids and is as much of a grandparent as the blood related ones.

Now we all get on, my mum remarried 11 years ago and I have them all over for big birthdays and Christmas etc. it baffles my in laws as they can't fathom why or how they can stand to be in the same room but I put it mainly down to my mum thinking of me before anyone else and making sure they got on for my sake. Sorry for waffling and hope it makes sense!!

And to answer your questions, me meeting the OW (my now stepmum) was delayed until I was six but I had no say. My mum chose not to deny access as it was clear my Dad was staying with her for the long term.

Absolutely beautiful! I love this for you ❤️what an amazing mother you have!

I ended up hating my step mum. Once she’d got the marriage certificate she changed towards me. My DM always said that SM was jealous of me, as DF always saw me on a Sunday, which meant she lost him for the day.

@FizzyStream wow what a mum!! You got lucky there!

Your YABU doesn't really make sense. If the child is to maintain a relationship with the other parent, they will inevitably meet their new partner at some point, if that partner lasts.

So 'encourage' or 'accept' are the options that include having a relationship with the other parent. Option three is 'seek to prevent access', which won't work if that parent really wants a relationship with the child.

Personally I think kids should be allowed to form relationships with their new, changing and extended family. Prohecting your own issues with a former parent or partner onto your kid or controlling their relationships (unless real risk of actual harm, not just the fact you feel harmed/affected by the breakdown in your marriage/close relationships) to me is unhealthy.

We were much older when it happened, late teens/early 20s, but our Mum never tried to influence our decision to have a relationship with Dad and SM. That isn't to say we didn't have a rough few years. There was a lot of hurt, especially for Mum. We didn't have a great relationship with Dad for a few years, but now, 20 years on, we all get on fine. Family occasions include all, and SM is a lovely kind woman. Mum has a lovely partner of 10 years now too. The 4 of them are never going to be best pals, but they are happy to be in each other's company

If your parent had an affair and left to be with the OW/OM (and went on to have a long and happy relationship/marriage) did you have a choice in meeting the new partner? No. Not really. He was a student teacher at my mums school so she took me along when I wasn't aware what was going on. I liked him. He played games, took me to football matches, encouraged me in extra curricular stuff.
Were you old enough to have a say? 9, so probably yes.
Did your betrayed parent prevent you from meeting them? He didn't know at first, then my mum took me with her when she left.
Did your betrayed parent make you choose an allegiance? As above, I was kept away for a while and he had to go through court to see me. Took some years. Then I refused to see him for a while too. So no.
As an older teen/adult did your feelings change? Yes, but in lots of ways. My dad had affairs before my mum. Then my mum had an affair with her student teacher. I was a pupil at mums school. When dad found out mum left and took me. He then started shagging another teacher at school which mum made sure I knew about. Mum got a new job, which meant I had to leave the school too as we moved to a new town. Both my parents behaved badly in the break up and I was very much a pawn although neither would admit to it today. It hasn't been easy over the years to come to terms with it all. Relationships are somewhat fractured. I was an only child and bore the brunt of it all.

But more practically and immediately, yes you can ask to delay until it's clear their relationship is established and lasting. That is very reasonable and normal. No child needs to meet or know about Daddy's series of girlfriends.

But, if Daddy had re-married and it's lasted a year or two, then insisting on his seeing the child alone would prevent them from becoming a real part of his life, which would be isolating and weird for the child.

And somewhere in there lies my experience. I guess it would be different with teenagers, who would have far more choice.

Well it was my mum who had the affair and I knew him before I was aware of what was going on. He would visit and take me and my brother to do a sport on a Sunday ( without my mother). I was told my parents were divorcing and I then learned we were moving in with the AP - which we did. This is what it’s like being raised by a boomer parent ( actually she’s older than boomer probably). No fannying about with them you’re just expected to get on with it. I was ok with it because me dad worked away and I was used to him being away. My step-dad had dogs and I was very excited about that because we had not been allowed a pet. My mum married the AP and they remained married for way longer than she was married to my dad. he died a few years ago but he was a fabulous step-dad. ( example he paid for my wedding) My dad remarried and moved a long way away and I eventually only saw him once or twice a year.

Fizzy - thank you. I have tried to do the same- no judgement, no bad words, refuse to argue infront of the DCs. EX did not stay with OW and now has much better partner but same principles.
People make out that it is easy, the one left behind has to go with what ever the other has decided, accept the situation is better for all etc etc. There is an immense burden on the "injured" party to be "better and accepting". One side has to give, give again and then give some more and it is never the one who did wrong in the first place.

No one gets how hard it is. The pain of being the better person in the sorry mess for your children is unbelievable. I used to sit on my own whilst the 2DCS went off to have a "fun" weekend with the "new better happy family" and it physically hurt.

People say the most thoughtless things about how great it is etc etc - believe me it is not and never will be. There is a part of you that is always damaged by the affair. I have now moved on and am very happy, but it was and still is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with and still deal with - my DCS are now old enough to ask questions and have opinions - they want and need to understand but it is not easy to talk about how it felt even now.

One day - say thank you to your Mum, I know you knwo she was amazing but from another mother in her position, I truly understand how hard what she has done was and what you re saying makes me know I am doing the right thing.

Yep

Father left us, Got a new woman pregnant before he left
Still with her 30 odd years later

Sometimes saw her after Christmas and very occasional days out but we didnt really see him so no real contact with her

One of my parents had multiple affairs but they stayed in the marriage. I met a few of the OW but it was usually via whatever the cover-up for the affair was, for example DF would take us along to "jobs" while DM was at work (he was a contractor) and we'd play in the garden with the "customer's" DC while he "worked". At the time we genuinely thought that's what he was doing and that we were such good helpers, keeping the other DC out of the way and playing nicely so he could get on with his work. One of the more long term ones, we actually became friends with the DC so went there most weekends when DM was at work to play with our friends, we went on day trips together, shopping, the cinema, and all sorts. It never occurred to us that he was really playing happy families with the OW and that us being friends with her DC provided yet another cover story - "I took the DC to play with their friends, what a good dad I am..."

For parents who do split up, I don't think either should be telling the other what they can and can't do when it's their time with the DC. Obviously in an ideal world both sides would be 100% on board with co-parenting, would cooperate fully with the wishes of the other, and each would share the same values/morals/rules. However we don't live in an ideal world and sometimes the other parent will want to do things like introduce the DC to a new partner even when the other parent doesn't want them to but that's their choice during their contact time and the other parent can't stop them from doing so. It's a situation that cuts both ways, you wouldn't stand for your XH telling you that you couldn't introduce your new partner to the DC so why would it be acceptable for you to say they can't introduce their partner.

@FizzyStream Thankyou for that. I wonder how your Mum managed to shelve her own feelings on the matter. But I'm glad she put you first.

I don't like the way you have worded the first options - to me YABU is not acceptable but with the first option I don't think children should be encouraged, coerced or put under and pressure to build a relationship with the new partner: fine of they decide that's what they want to do.

What a wise and loving mum. Always love your children more than you hate your ex

@Relaxd This is how I feel too.

@IrritableVowel It sounds like it was a very gradual journey in your case. Do you think your Mum could have stopped you if she'd wanted to?

@ThisMustBeMyDream Gosh that sounds incredibly difficult for you.

Interesting..,
My dad had an affair when I was 14.
She was 20. My dad was 32.

It ripped my family apart, they are still together and almost 16 years later after significant life events (positive ones) my parents have finally been able to be in the same room.

On the subject of being forced into a relationship with the other woman... she wasn't forced on me, I think they just wanted to be accepted. I was young, felt betrayed etc etc, so I made their lives difficult in the first few years, I was a right little shit to them.

Now everyone's kinda having to get on with it.
I want a relationship with mum and dad, I have new sisters out of this "affair"

Life is too short.

My dad left when I was 8, OW was 8 months pregnant when he left. Before he went to live with her, he had me speak to her on the phone. I told my mom and she said I, an 8 year old, was a traitor. He lived with the OW for a year or so before ditching them too. I have a sibling that I don't really have a relationship with because of the distance and age gap

@larkstar Interesting, thankyou. I agree that coercion isn't acceptable. But actively preventing DCs from meeting the new partner after a couple of years?

My Dad had an affair and he left my Mum for her when I was 10. My Mum never, ever bad mouthed my Dad and was very civil. My Dad on the other hand moved out and within 3 weeks was living with the OW, so not only did I have to get used to the fact that my parents had separated, but was forced into meeting the OW way before I was ready, just so I could see my Dad. Over time, she made it very clear that we were an inconvenience and would have preferred to have just had my Dad to herself without us being around.

Despite me moaning to my Mum and being very unhappy with the situation, she still didn’t bad mouth him. It was only when I got to about 15, that she stopped sticking him for him and making excuses for him. I was old enough by that point to stand up for myself and tell him (and OW) what I thought of them.

I loved him, but he was a shit father. Put his OW above his own kids, got married to her and didn’t tell us, paid my Mum a pittance in maintenance whilst swanning off on expensive holidays with his new wife.

He passed away when I was in my late 20’s and despite hating her, I tried my best to support his wife. In return, she just shat on us all and I am now glad I don’t have to have anything to do with her.

Where as my Mum went on to meet someone, got married and we had a pretty good step-dad. She took her time over introducing us to him.

@NaatQ968 At 14 what did your Mum say to you about it? If you don't mind me asking.