If your parent had an affair

[ForThePurposeOfThisPost]

Name changed for this post. If your parent had an affair and left to be with the OW/OM (and went on to have a long and happy relationship/marriage) did you have a choice in meeting the new partner? Were you old enough to have a say? Did your betrayed parent prevent you from meeting them? Did your betrayed parent make you choose an allegiance? As an older teen/adult did your feelings change? I'm interested to know how other families navigated this and whether I'm being unrealistic in my expectations.

And if you care to vote....

YANBU= DCs should be able/encouraged to form a relationship with the new partner if they wish.

YABU= The betrayed parent has every right to prevent DCs from meeting the new partner.

@OngoingCrisis Thats awful!

Father left to be with OW. They married and have been together decades.
Not old enough to have a say about meeting them and nor did my poor Mum - came as a complete shock to her, her daughters returning from a visit talking about Daddy's new gf, her dog and her (later turned out to be their) child.
She never made us choose, ever, but she spoke disparagingly of her for years.
It turns out in a surprise twist that my Mum had had an affair too (do not blame her, my father had many) but this was only disclosed when I was an adult.
I got on well with the OW. In fairness, she was always kind.
I didn't get on well with my stepfather. He was toxic and prevented me seeing my Dad once, which led to a legal threat.
I am screwed up as a result of my parents' divorce and, whilst I feel for my Mum, she did a terrible job of badmouthing my Dad. He has never criticised her once, not ever but nor has he ever apologised to her (or me) for treating her like shit/leaving.
If you do not want screwed up kids, you learn to co-parent effectively and swallow the bitterness you feel. You are allowed the vitriol but on your time. Do not use your kids to vent at and do not use them as weapons. The counselling won't undo the damage.
If it looks like the new relationship is going to be long term, an introduction is needed. If the kids are teens of course and don't want to know - entirely separate from any input from their Mum - that is, of course, their choice.

I feel a lot of resentment tbh. Will be receiving therapy soon as it's affected my ability to set boundaries, especially when it comes to guys and dating. I'm quite insecure and anxious (always anticipating people leaving me)

No... You shouldn't interfere - they have the right to make their own decisions. In my family, there are 3 siblings, all of us went NC with our father in 2007. My eldest child accepted friend requests from my father and his new wife but respond only with 1 line replies - I'm almost certain they have never met or phoned.They never discuss or raise the topic of communication with them with me and I don't ask. My children are adults now and they are not daft - they understand the many reasons we don't want any contact or a relationship with him.

Thankyou all for sharing your experiences. My situation, as is only fair to explain, is that I was the one to leave my marriage for OM. I acknowledge it was the absolute worst way to end a marriage, especially when children are involved. However, OM and I have been together almost three years now and whilst my younger two children spend half the week with us and have a good relationship with him, my exh has told my two teens that if they choose to meet him it will be at the expense of maintaining a good relationship with him, their father.
They are 16 and 18 years old and I will respect their decisions but exh is, I feel, putting them in an impossible position. They will not 'betray' their Dad. Badmouthing me/OM at every opportunity, I feel he is using them to maintain some control over me still and I face a future of difficult decisions at every birthday, Christmas, wedding etc....Obviously a potential consequence of having an affair but I can't help but feel he is not putting the children first here. But I wonder if I am being unreasonable. After all I obviously caused a lot of hurt.

As a young teenager my mum did not hide her hurt or dislike towards my Dad’s OW. She didn’t try to stop me seeing her or anything but made her own feelings quite clear & I think it would have been confusing (and possibly unhealthy?) for my mum to have pretended she felt the OW was a nice or ok lady. It’s surely natural not to like someone who has knowingly had an affair with someone with a wife & kids.

I was indifferent to my Dad’s OW and continued to have a good relationship with my dad while I was a teen & young adult but since having children I feel more sad -and a bit angry too -about how little my dad must have thought of me & my sibling to have an affair & treat my mum so terribly. When I was younger, I just felt bad for his behaviour towards my mum, but now I look at it as a parent myself and think how could he have done that to me & my sibling. I also look back at the ‘Disney Dad’ / throwing money & treats at us behaviour which I didn’t see for what it really was at the time & can’t help feel more disrespect for him
& my stepmum (been his wife for many years) the more I think about it.

I now can’t be bothered with her at all and have an increasingly distant relationship with my dad. My sibling dislikes our stepmother (she is a cold personality ) but gets on v well with our dad & does not understand why I feel the way I do now.

@Cheerfulcharlie If it's any consolation at all, and I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I don't think it's a natural conclusion to think your Dad must have thought little of you and your sibling if he was able to conduct an affair. The affair is such fantasy that it's impossible to see it having any impact on real life, the ability to compartmentalise is unreal.

I already knew the OW well because she was a long time family friend - Dad left when I was 14 to be with her. Next couple of years were a messy divorce. At the time I had issues with dad but never felt badly towards OW because she'd always been nice to me and continued to make an effort and be genuine after. Eventually I realised they made a lot more sense together than my own parents ever did. As only child the experience was pretty tough though and my Mum handled the whole thing pretty badly when it came to me - openly vented frustrations with divorce process and Dad to me, didn't want me to show support of their marriage a few years after that (by which time I was over 18 so could make own decisions). She went ballistic when she found out I'd gone to OW hen do (I'd wanted to make an effort as part of rebuilding relationship with Dad following the divorce) and wanted me to promise I wouldn't send them wedding anniversary cards (I didn't agree to that). I still avoid mentioning Dad to her whenever possible and it's nearly 20 years later, though at least they can all be in a room together if necessary without fireworks. I feel that now my relationship with my Dad and step mum is really strong because we've worked at it. But I still have a lot of unpacked resentment with Mum about how she handled situations back then, badmouthing Dad and was actively discouraging me from accepting OW and burdening me with her own struggles rather than taking them to a counsellor. If she'd presented a more mature front to me at the time I might have found the divorce easier to deal with emotionally and not had such feelings of guilt after enjoying time spent with Dad and step mum.

On the other side though step mum still has a very fractured relationship with her own kids who are only a few years older than me. I don't understand it because of how good our relationship is and how genuinely lovely she is - I can't understand how I've accepted and moved on but they clearly haven't and won't even acknowledge my Dad at all even after all this time. So there's no telling how things will pan out - the most important thing I think is just for both sides to keep making the effort if they want to maintain and grow the parent-child relationship.

So they were 13 and 15 when you left? Have you seen them without DP for the last 3 years then? Whose choice was that? (At 13/15 they had a say).
Why does your ex allow the younger ones access?

@MixedBag873 But I still have a lot of unpacked resentment with Mum about how she handled situations back then, badmouthing Dad and was actively discouraging me from accepting OW and burdening me with her own struggles rather than taking them to a counsellor.
See this is how I think my teens will feel about their Dad in years to come but he just won't see it.

I think it is fair to say if you are having an affair in secret, that you aren't thinking of your kids. You say it yourself, you are compartmentalising/living out the fantasy. But at some point, reality kicks in and those teenagers know that you cheated on their Dad. Does he have custody of them and you have custody of the younger ones? Are they boys?
They probably do have loyalty to their father at the age you left - both were old enough to work out what had transpired. Unless they are telling you outright that he has given them an ultimatum, it may just be that they do not want to meet your partner and would rather have quality time with their Mum.
Difficult to force at that age and 3 years on - at 16 and 18, the routine has stuck.
It will change potentially once both are at uni or your ex has a new long term partner?

@SequinsandStilettos Yes I still see them it just has to be without my DP. Initially teens said they had no problem meeting him but when it came to the first planned meeting, my ex picked them up from school early, told them unnecessary, adult, details of the affair to demonstrate 'what sort of a person he is' and whilst not banning them, made it very clear he would view it as a massive betrayal.

They may well feel negatively about the badmouthing when they are adults

• I know I do - but at the same time, they may also resent the one who broke up the family in the first place. That's you. I sound judgy - I just don't think it is as easy as expecting them to fit in with your dynamic when teens are usually selfish anyway!

@ForThePurposeOfThisPost my mum had an affair with my dad's best friend and when I was 6 we left the family home. They didn't publicly move in together until about 2 years later, but he stayed over with us a few times a week. My DF never bad mouthed my mum. I didn't find out about the affair until I was in my teens and it utterly devastated me. My DM swore on my life it wasn't true 🤔.

I'm in my 40s now and I can honestly say it has had such a profound effect on my life and relationships. It has been so hard to see/hear my DM minimize the impact of the divorce on us, and never acknowledge what she has done. She always told me as a child what a terrible life we would have had if they'd stayed together but I don't believe that for one second. She's very bitter that DF has a better house and lifestyle than her, the OM (her now husband) was a lower earner than my DF and has 3 dc of his own, so our lifestyle really dropped. Funnily enough DM won't sit in the same room as DF and as a result I didn't have a wedding, which I'm so angry and upset about. On the surface I have a good relationship with dc but I will never forgive what she did to us.

I was the wife/ mum in my scenario. Ex left for OW when DD was 6. I never told DD that her dad did anything wrong and always allowed/ encouraged a relationship with OW, who he introduced after about six months. It was extremely hard for me, but way better for DD not to feel torn, and to have positive relationships with everybody. After the first two years, when it became less painful and I also moved on, OW was included in family photo albums and DD's birthday celebrations etc.

DD is now 13, still doesn't know. She has a great relationship with both her dad and OW, proper 50/50 and now has a new sister on that side, who she adores. She's old enough to understand the meaning of cheating/affair now, and I do wonder if she will ever think of asking why her dad and I broke up. If she does, I will probably say daddy fell out of love with me, and to ask him to explain more if she wants to know more. I have no motivation to tell her- in the end, however bad, it was between us as an adult couple and I'm glad I've managed to protect her from it becoming her trauma.

good relationship with dm*, not dc

@lookluv I too have been there and feel every word of this. It’s very difficult. As you say, what @FizzyStream has written makes it all worthwhile. I hope my DD feels like that one day.

Initially teens said they had no problem meeting him but when it came to the first planned meeting, my ex picked them up from school early, told them unnecessary, adult, details of the affair to demonstrate 'what sort of a person he is' and whilst not banning them, made it very clear he would view it as a massive betrayal.

Is this what he told you he did or what they told you he said?
Was this three years ago?
Shoulda, woulda, coulda...but at that point/as soon as it happened, you ought to have explained to them their Dad was wrong for putting them in the middle and that your partner was going to be at your home. I assume you didn't in case they refused to come. Your ex could not have prevented the visits if you had gone to court. You should have picked them up from his and called his bluff.

@SequinsandStilettos I would never force them to meet him if they don't want to but they absolutely have been given an ultimatum by their father. And no, uni/ex having a new partner has made no difference.
Teens essentially live with their Dad (high-earner, big house, left me with very little in the divorce) and I see them when I can around my work/their social lives.

They are 16 and 18 now. At some point - and it is a waiting game - they may come round. Has your ex really had no new gf in the last 3 years?
As for adult details, I've unfortunately been on the receiving end of that too. As they get older, they will realise how deeply inappropriate that was.

@winterpastasalad That sounds incredibly tough. I haven't and won't lie about anything to my children but that doesn't make it very much better.

Ah well, they seem to have sided with him then. You can call it brainwashing but at 18, that is conceivably an adult. Or they know which side the bread is buttered, colour me cynical. I wish you luck. At least you have stayed in touch and they do still want to see you, albeit on their own terms.

@BraveGoldie I wish my ex could have managed this but realise it can't have been easy for you.

Ex had an affair and left me for ow. It was messy and high-conflict. 7 months after break up introduced her to our kids as his girlfriend and started very quickly pushing blending- sleepovers and holidays with her kids etc. kids were 6 and 11. It's been shocking and hurtful. They like AP's kids but I think he's done it way too soon. I've tried not to react in front of them but I think my older one can see the connection between my distress and dad's new relationship and feels conflicted and I feel really sad for them.

@SequinsandStilettos Thankyou.