If your parent had an affair

[ForThePurposeOfThisPost]

Name changed for this post. If your parent had an affair and left to be with the OW/OM (and went on to have a long and happy relationship/marriage) did you have a choice in meeting the new partner? Were you old enough to have a say? Did your betrayed parent prevent you from meeting them? Did your betrayed parent make you choose an allegiance? As an older teen/adult did your feelings change? I'm interested to know how other families navigated this and whether I'm being unrealistic in my expectations.

And if you care to vote....

YANBU= DCs should be able/encouraged to form a relationship with the new partner if they wish.

YABU= The betrayed parent has every right to prevent DCs from meeting the new partner.

@Catsandzcocktails I appreciate your point of view, this is how my ex feels also. I suppose what I'm finding difficult to accept is that my exh can blame everything on the affair and has no qualms in telling our children that. What I would never do is tell them all the, in my opinion, inexcusable things he did in our marriage that caused me to justify the affair to myself. Obviously I should have just left but it's too late for that now. I just want to salvage my relationship with my teenagers but feel I'm fighting a fair fight.

Your teenagers will reach their own conclusions, my sister and I did. My husband did. Maybe it'll be this week, maybe in their 20s, but they will eventually do they want.
I think if your children are priority, the best thing to do is leave the affair relationship, not reconcile with husband. That will show them you have some integrity. Actions speak louder than words at this point. Say you're very sorry about it, you are leaving all parts of the affair in the past but not minimising it was wrong and you're storey, now you should have just left, it is about your husband, not them.
I really think that's the best course if you want to salvage as much as you can with your teenagers. Get them some counselling about it too, so they can work on their own feelings about it.

Ultimately perhaps that is true. However that's almost beside the point. We accept that the OP was very wrong to have an affair, whatever the justification for ending the relationship in terms of her husband's financial control etc.

In my view the ex is now behaving worse than the op ever did by having the affair. His behaviour is going to be what causes lifelong trauma to the children. We have heard from several people on this thread whose parents managed to keep a neutral front, and from others whose parents were bitter. It's clear that the betrayed parent's behaviour is a huge factor in how children are affected by the split. In fact I think that the parents' ability to be civil to and about one another is a much bigger factor in the effect on children than the cause of relationship breakdown.

The ex in this case is being selfish in putting his own feelings before the teenagers' best interests. That is really bad and damaging parenting.

My Dad left for the OW when I was about 9. He seemingly had several affairs before her, but she was the one that stuck. My mum was incredibly bitter and remained so until he died the year before last. We met the OW maybe about 6 months after he left, and without my mum's knowledge. When she found out (I think my little brother let it slip) she went absolutely bananas.

She detested the OW and made no effort at all to hide it. All through my life really until my dad died, she was hugely critical of him and suggested we didn't have to have any relationship with him. Over the years, this led to several really difficult conversations, and sometimes falling out. My Mum and I don't have a brilliant relationship now, but I think that's partly because my step dad is very controlling and she basically follows his lead on everything...

My parents split when I was 10/11, it was my mum who had the affair.

My dad initially left the family home and rented a flat nearby. I went to see him every weekend and my mum never tried to stop me.

When I was around 12, my mum introduced us to her new partner. We moved in with him not long after- I don't really remember being given a choice but it was almost like it was a given I would move with my mum. To be honest, my dad wouldn't have been a great primary parent anyway as he wasn't the most involved and worked long hours. I have two sisters and they split- oldest stayed with my dad (and despised my mum for years, went off the rails a bit) while middle came to stay with mum and me.

My stepdad is a great man and while he will never take over the role of my dad, I know he did a lot to help take care of me. Certainly a lot of lifts during my teenage years! Looking back I appreciate a lot more how he helped out with taking me and my sister on, and what he did to help us feel welcomed in his home.

@Catsandzcocktails It is difficult to hear somebody (other than exh) say that ending my relationship with the affair partner is the only way to proceed. My teens are virtually at the point of leaving home/having their own families, sacrificing my relationship would result in little gain for them and enormous loss to me. Nor do they want me to be alone/unhappy. They want their Dad to back down because ultimately they will never betray him.
@SnackSizeRaisin **In my view the ex is now behaving worse than the op ever did by having the affair. His behaviour is going to be what causes lifelong trauma to the children. We have heard from several people on this thread whose parents managed to keep a neutral front, and from others whose parents were bitter. It's clear that the betrayed parent's behaviour is a huge factor in how children are affected by the split. In fact I think that the parents' ability to be civil to and about one another is a much bigger factor in the effect on children than the cause of relationship breakdown.

The ex in this case is being selfish in putting his own feelings before the teenagers' best interests. That is really bad and damaging parenting.**
This is my take on it but exh states he is more than entitled to feel bitter and the way he behaves now is a direct consequence of my actions, something I should have thought about before. I think though that he has to take some responsibility for how he speaks to/behaves in front of the dcs and acknowledge he is putting his ego ahead of what is actually best for them. This is where I am not sure if IABU.

@Alarae I think my teens could have this sort of relationship with my partner if they were allowed. He is engaged and kind to my youngest two who both like him. We all know he could never replace their Dad, he wouldn't want to. I don't think my ex feels threatened, it's like he just wants to punish us and this is literally the only way he can.

My mum had an affair - it was with someone we knew (small town). She left and stayed married to him, I was a teen and had no choice but to accept him if I wanted to see my mum - I knew she would always put him first. He was an utter prick but was part of our family for years (thankfully he is dead now).

My dad was a saint and never bad mouthed my mum. The happy ending is that he ended up marrying a truly lovely women who made him very very happy, which he richly deserved (sadly he is now dead).

In the end I think children you have very limited choices when their parents fuck around and will usually end up learning to live with it to maintain a relationship with their parents. It is still a crap position to put them in.

My mother had an affair with my best friends father when I was 14. It destroyed my family for years and it changed the course of my life forever as I was the eldest girl in my family and I had to literally pick up where she left off.

I'm 1 of 5 children, the eldest was 18, the youngest 8.

I saw my mother a handful of times from 14 to 22 when we met and began a new relationship.

I often wonder what the version of me would have been had my mother not left.

I should add that she did leave my father to be with the other man, he sadly died of cancer 5 years later. He was the father of 3 girls.

In my opinion it's ok for a 16 and 18 year old to know the whole truth and be able to make thier own minds up about the affair partner. It's almost sadistic to break up a family and then go on to play a kind and caring step parent when the children involved are really young and don't know that the step parent is the reason why thier parents aren't together. So I would not want my toddler bonding with the OW but would allow a 16/18 year old to do as they wish.

Because we were older, our mum didn’t have to facilitate a contact schedule, so it was probably simpler in a sense. We were doing our own thing generally by then. Mum would never have guilted us into doing anything, it’s not in her nature. I think your Ex husband is being cruel to your kids by making them involved in adult issues. It is too much for an adolescent/young adult to carry that burden of not wanting to upset a parent.

I am not trying to gloss over the disruption and hurt felt in our house for a long time. Our mum was devastated. I know people say it came out of the blue, for her/us, it really did. He packed up and left overnight. We were devastated, our “unit” dissolved. We had a mother who took a long time to come to terms with it and a father who felt he had a “duty” to do the right thing, and therefore we should accept it. I am not suggesting he or anyone should stay in a marriage where they aren’t happy, but trying to spin it out as the best thing to do, wasn’t going to win him any brownie points.

We felt a bit guilty in the early days, leaving Mum’s to go to see dad, knowing she was upset at home (she didn’t really say anything, but it was pretty obvious). We’ve had times of having to choose who to see. We still have to juggle keeping everyone included at a level they and we’re happy with. Looking forward, we’ll probably have 2 sets of parents who might need our help and care as they get older, and there’s only 2 of us to do it! Never mind throwing in our in laws.

But now, we are all content, happy to be in each others company, mum and dad are able to have a coffee and chat if they happen to visit at the same time. Dad really likes my mum’s OH. Mum is not SM’s biggest fan but they are civil to each other.

Time does heal wounds. I am not stupid enough to think those wounds can't reopen. People are complicated!

@Namechangedforthis234 It's almost sadistic to break up a family and then go on to play a kind and caring step parent when the children involved are really young and don't know that the step parent is the reason why thier parents aren't together.
This is how my exh sees it but in reality by new partner is not 'the' reason we aren't together anymore, my exh had a lot to do with that too. I would eventually have left to be on my own if the affair hadn't have happened.

I think there are real arseholes in this world, and really good, kind, people. And everything in between. All of the different types of people fall in and out of love when they don’t want to. Marriages break up. Life is messy.

You’ll just have to play the long game. Make sure your kids know you love them, the door is always open, and you never badmouth your ex. If he wants to be a victim for the rest of his days, that’s on him.

Did she leave her children, or did she leave the marriage?*

I would eventually have left to be on my own if the affair hadn't have happened.

But would you have left with your children I think is the salient point here.

My mum left home without us (6 children under the age of 10) when I was 9. Even at that age I could sort of understand why she left, he was a horrible, violent, alcoholic although he never hit us, just her. But that doesn't mean we can forgive her for leaving us. We ended up in care, she ended up in a nice home with her new man.

That was 50yrs ago. My older sister and her family are close to mum & step dad, 4 of us are friendly but not friends, and the other refuses to have anything to do with her still. As adults we understand why she did what she did but that doesn't make what happened subsequently any less painful.

So don't kid yourself that leaving the marriage isn't the same as leaving the children because it really is, however you like to package it.

Having said that I also think your ex is in the wrong too and is being very unfair trying to manipulate the teens in the way that he is. All you can do at this point is let them know you are there if they want you and don't add any more pressure to their lives.

Personally, as an adult, if one of my parents had an affair I wouldn’t have anything to do with the OW/OM as I would view it as disrespectful to the other parent. Regardless if the betrayed party was ok with it. I wouldn’t let OW/OM be in contact with my own DC either.

Maybe that’s wrong of me, but I just couldn’t. I also know of another family who have taken same stance, think that affair happen when they were in early twenties

Now this is lovely to read. Your mum is a wonderful example. I understand that either party can be hurt and upset but to hold onto that anger when your children have a good relationship with the cheating parent and their new partner (and when other than the infidelity they do everything right) can’t be good for their own well-being. My ExSIL is 52 and her parents split when she was 12. Dad married the OW, paid a generous amount of child support, signed the house over to her, always had the children when he was supposed to, taking them on holidays too. Mum met a man and remarried also. ExSIL married my brother when she was 22 so we’re already 10 years on. What a miserable sour faced cow, not smiling in any pictures she was in with HER and generally creating an awkward situation. This grudge carried over into family birthdays, christenings, Christmas, you name it. ExSIL is now 52 so 40 years have passed, her mum and dad are still married to their partners and she’s still bitter. I haven’t seen her for a number of years but she was just as miserable at my niece’s wedding just over a year ago. Mardy cow, I can see why he left her.

OP
How come the ex is okay with your DP and the youngest two? Do they live with you? Did you split the children by age to accommodate joint custody/no maintenance? Or does he have them but want a break?

Ah. They spend half the week with you.
Why was that arrangement not suitable for the teens too?

My mum had the affair..... think my parents struggled on for a few months but the marriage eventually broke down.

I was 2/3 when they divorced. I have to memories of them together. And I don't remember meeting the other man for the first time. He was just there.....
they stayed together for a few years but he left when I was about 7.

I don't remember my dad ever saying anything about him. And my mum has never said a bad word about my dad.
They can still be in the same room together for weddings and birthdays and speak fairly often even though we are adults now.

I have spoken to both my parents about their split, I never knew the other man was even the other man till I was an adult.
My dad admits his faults and my mum does too.

I'm not sure my brother has quite the same view as he was older the me ( 7/8) so he has been more affected by the divorce and my dads lack of input in our lives. But that's another issue entirely x

I know someone whose father left when she was an adult to be with OW. She can never mention OW to her mum, had to be careful with visiting times when she had children herself, and is now negotiating her daughter talking about what she does with her other ‘granny’ and grandad, to her mum which her mum can’t cope with.

My friend finds it all very upsetting and difficult to carry all of this.

I understand that the victim of the affairs reaction caused trauma to the children. My own mother didn't handle things perfectly. But I reached the conclusion she had some form of PTSD from it. Not everyone has the same mental health, and stressful events (to put it mildly) are responded to differently.
I know in this instance it is a man, but quite often it is the Mother who is the victim of it. I really don't think its fair to hold entire blame on them, because it wasn't their actions that triggered some form of stress disorder and/ or anxiety. That is another way in which they have been damaged by the person committing the affair.
I think some posters here could do with having a little more empathy.

I think that's the best way to salvage what you can, but either way your relationship and how they see you won't be the same again. You can have him hanging around as a constant reminder of what you did to their family or not. Think you've already picked the man really.
Ultimately, it is no good saying you would have left him anyway, because the reality is you left him to go with the man you were having an affair with. You should have ended your marriage, then considered dating this new man. Having an affair makes everything more complicated. But I can see you're a little bit of the stereotype and quite keen on minimising it.

My DF had an affair when I was a young adult. My dm decided to stay. I wanted her to leave.

Had they of seperated I wouldn't have had any relationship with the AP. If that meant not seeing my df then so be it. There isn't an excuse or reason he could have come up with that would have convinced me to do anything else.

While they are still together my relationship with him will never be the same. I respect my mother and her decision and I go along with the family dynamics because of that.

You ultimately made the decision to end your relationship the way you did. Instead of trying to transition your children to a new family set up and allowing them to adjust you brought a third party into the situation. That decision comes with consequences. Is your ex right,? No but that's the damage and toxicity that ending a relationship because of an affair can bring.

Neither of you have prioritised the children in ending your marriage. I think your comment's about your teens and the value you think ending your relationship would bring is interesting. Do you think parental responsibility, love and ability to impact a child's life positively or negatively just magically ends at 18?

Just because your younger children appear OK with it now doesn't mean that as they grow up they won't judge you for it.

My ex left for AP partner. Once they were together awhile and clear it was going to continue dd saw them. But the AP wasn't a stranger to her so that probably helped. She is an adult and they get on very well and she is an important person in her life.

DF was 30 when he had a 2 year affair with a 20 year old and DM kicked him out. I was 8. He went on to marry OW and they are still together almost 40 years later. DF began bringing her in the car to collect me for the weekend almost immediately. He told me she was his friend and she was lovely to me. DM took the split very badly (understandably) and instantly told me the truth and that he loved OW more than "us" (not her). She would refuse to use OWs name and called her "that slag" until the past 10 years-ish when she now sneers her name out. DM bad mouths them every chance she gets, even today. DM remarried when I was 11 to a (lovely) wealthy gentleman and so would sneer at DF having less than her and everything she had being better. This also allowed her to progress her career so she liked everything about her being "better" than DF & DSM. She has never been in a room with DF alone since the split. Handovers would be done with us being left on the driveway when he pulled up - no conversations. She stopped him seeing us when we were little and he took her to court. It took years and she made things very very difficult for everyone involved. We were not allowed to speak his or OWs name when we returned from weekends. She would ask how our weekend was and, if we fell into the trap of answering about something we did, she would say "oh aren't they wonderful, how wonderful of them to take you to the cinema. How amazing they are" etc. We quickly learnt to say "ok" or "boring, didn't do anything" and hope the conversation went away quickly. This pleased her. We were not allowed to attend his wedding when I was 10. They went on to have 3DC (who I adore) but DM refused to call them our half siblings and showed no interest in them. Oddly now we are all adults with children of our own and she comes into contact with them at my house she is lovely to them and acts happy families. But ignored them for 25 years and belittled everything they did. DM would remind me weekly that he chose his new family over us and how happy they must be. Every time they did anything or went on holiday she would ask me why I hadn't been invited and pointed out every difference. If he ever asked to move or skip a weekend she would delight in telling me that they were doing something family orientated and I wasn't invited. She also told everyone we know what he and OW did so I always felt awkward talking about him or saying anything positive about DSM.

On the other hand DSM (OW) has never said a word about my mum. Her and DF would politely ask how my mum was and, if I had visited family etc, how my aunts/uncles/grandparents were. They showed an interest in everything I did and said it was lovely and how lucky I was etc. They did not attend any nativities or events of mine growing up, as they knew DM would demand they not come and cause a scene and tell everyone around that "that's my ex and the slag" and make it harder for me. Instead they would ask for videos or ask me all about it when they saw me. They did not come to my wedding for the same reason. I informed DM & DF that I was inviting everyone and please could they get along. They both said yes but DM began with her bitchy comments almost immediately to me. Also began pressuring me to put them near the back and have DSF on top table etc. She reminded me of every single (amazing) thing DSF had done for me and how he was my father. I did not mention any of this to DF but he clearly knew and informed me he was not coming as it was my special day and they would celebrate with me later. They would not take no for an answer. He later told me they watched me walk into the church from his car. My half siblings took lots of videos and photos for him from the day. As a teen if I spent summer holidays with DF, DSM would quietly enquire when I last spoke to my DM & request I ring her "for a catch up" once a week. My DSF also never bad mouthed them. The worst he would do is sigh and raise his eyebrows in agreement when my DM dragged him into arguments to "tell her how awful they are". He has come into contact with them over the years (if DM sent him to do drop offs if she knew they were around or whatever) and he is pleasant.

As an adult I can see what DF & DSM did was extremely wrong. They both knew what they were doing. They have discussed it with me and both understand the way they went about it was wrong. I fully understand DM being devastated. However I cannot understand the lengths she went to and how, even now, she feels she did nothing wrong by involving us. I have friends who have been in worse situations with cheating ex's and not involved the children. I also do not understand how, after being happily married herself for 30-something years, she still hates them. On paper she got the better end of the deal. A happy, loving healthy marriage to a wonderful man and her life made easier by money. However she is still very bitter.

I find it hard to hold a grudge against DF as their split meant the introduction of 2 wonderful humans (DSM & DSF) who I love very much and my half siblings/nieces/nephews etc. Also the opportunities opened to me by DSFs money. I feel very sad that his behaviour has led my DM to a lifetime of anger. But it didn't have to be that way. DMs behaviour has made our relationship extremely strained and I struggle to have conversations with her and my life is very much "boxed". She is kept away from a lot of family gatherings and conversations due to her behaviour. If she is at my house I feel panicky incase DF pops round unannounced. I feel none of this with DSF as I know he would be polite. I do a lot of BBQs and parties with my half siblings as we have same age children and I, obviously, cannot invite her and then struggle to tell her about it. I still have the "it was ok. Boring really" mentality with her.

When we bought out first home DM said she would gift us the deposit. They had done this for their other children/step children. Her one proviso was that DF was not allowed in the house ever. I declined. DSF then secretly gave it to me. DM doesn't know.