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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your parent had an affair

133 replies

ForThePurposeOfThisPost · 29/01/2023 21:24

Name changed for this post. If your parent had an affair and left to be with the OW/OM (and went on to have a long and happy relationship/marriage) did you have a choice in meeting the new partner? Were you old enough to have a say? Did your betrayed parent prevent you from meeting them? Did your betrayed parent make you choose an allegiance? As an older teen/adult did your feelings change? I'm interested to know how other families navigated this and whether I'm being unrealistic in my expectations.

And if you care to vote....

YANBU= DCs should be able/encouraged to form a relationship with the new partner if they wish.

YABU= The betrayed parent has every right to prevent DCs from meeting the new partner.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 30/01/2023 19:20

@footstepss I'm sorry you went through that awful damaging behaviour. Yes, what your DF did was wrong but your DM has made everything a billion times worse. And sadly, I can see my own stepchildren in the same situation as you are.

Original poster
ForThePurposeOfThisPost · 30/01/2023 22:46

@nokidshere But would you have left with your children I think is the salient point here
This is a good question and essentially what contributed to my having an affair rather than leave. I could see no way of being able to leave with the children. Exh was/is a high-earner, I sacrificed my career to raise 4dcs with little recognition of the implications of that. The marital home has a large mortgage which I could not afford. And as I knew would be the case, he hid money in the divorce and I came away with very, very little. He retains the 5 bedroom house whilst I am in a 2 bed. I can't see any way I could provide for 4 dcs on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForThePurposeOfThisPost · 30/01/2023 22:53

SequinsandStilettos · Today 14:15
OP
How come the ex is okay with your DP and the youngest two? Do they live with you? Did you split the children by age to accommodate joint custody/no maintenance? Or does he have them but want a break?
Ex is absolutely not okay with it and when we first split tried to withhold the younger two if he knew OM would be at my house. However he soon realised that no family court would deny me access based on that. And I absolutely would have taken him to court to see them. We share them 50:50 around shift work. The older two decide when they come to see me based on their social lives. I only have a 2 bed house so older two hardly ever stay over as while I can accommodate them, they have their own rooms/bathrooms at Dad's house. They also can't get bus to school/college from mine (rural).

OP posts:
Original poster
ForThePurposeOfThisPost · 30/01/2023 22:57

@footstepss Thankyou for sharing your story. Sadly I think my ex will always be like your Mum and ultimately make things so much for difficult for himself than they need to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForThePurposeOfThisPost · 30/01/2023 23:31

Also @SequinsandStilettos just to add, exh also tells the younger two, at 5 and 8yrs old, that (OM) behaved very badly towards Daddy etc....seemingly just before they would come round they were reminded of this fact. Initially this caused the 8yo to feel quite conflicted but I think exh has stopped this now. Both younger ones seem very well adjusted, like my new partner being in their lives and disappointed if they come round and he's not there.

OP posts:
winterpastasalad · 31/01/2023 17:30

Your dc are so young OP 😢. How long ago did you leave?

Original poster
ForThePurposeOfThisPost · 31/01/2023 17:33

It's been 2 years @winterpastasalad.

OP posts:
ActingTheMaggot · 31/01/2023 17:36

Not sure how it would affect me as a child, but as an adult, if my parent had an affair and upset my other parent, I wouldn't speak to them and I would have nothing to do with the affair partner.

Nimo12 · 31/01/2023 17:37

FizzyStream · 29/01/2023 21:45

This is an interesting one. My parents split when I was 2 as my mum found out my Dad had been having an affair with a mutual friend since before I was born.

My mum was amazingly selfless about it and although my Dad left the family home and mum had custody of me, she was perfectly civil with him when I saw him at weekends.

He is still with my stepmum (the OW) now 40 years later! I met her when I was 6 and they married when I was 9. I didn't like her at first but I was a child and didn't understand. Now she's known as Nana by my kids and is as much of a grandparent as the blood related ones.

Now we all get on, my mum remarried 11 years ago and I have them all over for big birthdays and Christmas etc. it baffles my in laws as they can't fathom why or how they can stand to be in the same room but I put it mainly down to my mum thinking of me before anyone else and making sure they got on for my sake. Sorry for waffling and hope it makes sense!!

Your mum is an amazing lady

emily01bristol · 31/01/2023 17:42

My dad had an affair and left to be with the other woman (he did also eventually cheat on her too!) My mum did her best to prevent contact and succeeded, with my dad maybe popping his head up every 10 years. I have a wonderful step dad who is who I think of as my dad. I had a very happy childhood.

But - I always wondered why my dad didn’t love me enough, why I wasn’t worth sticking around for, etc. At the age of 40 I’m now tentatively forming some kind of a relationship with him but it’s been difficult.

My husband went on to have an affair, marry the OW, have a family. I go out of my way to facilitate his continuing relationship with my son and am only ever positive about his relationship with his step mum. I NEVER want him to have the feelings I felt growing up.

But it is hard. I sympathise with those mothers so hurt by their partners that they prevent their children forming those relationships, and I will never criticise my mum for doing it. I understand the pain behind it. But it is unfair.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/01/2023 17:50

I knew the snakewitch before my dad cheated with her. We all knew her.
She was his secretary. How cliché is that?

I was an adult when this happened and didn't live with my parents.
I'll hate that cunt even from beyond the grave - not for the cheating & breaking up my parents but because of the nasty crap she constantly pulled, especially after he died.

My husband and kids have never met her and never will.

Regretfulmum · 31/01/2023 18:25

Name changed for anonymity

i left my husband of 20yrs for another man…..the man I’m still with and who is the life of my life. My husband physically, sexually and emotionally abused me for the duration of our relationship. He kicked me out when he found out I had an affair. The day I left he called both children downstairs (then 15&12) and announced to them ‘mum has been fucking someone else’

co parenting is not an option with us. I haven’t seen my eldest daughter (18) since I left as he’s turned her against me.

I see my youngest daughter (nearly 16) as often as I can and she loves my DP

winterpastasalad · 31/01/2023 18:42

Are you regretful @Regretfulmum ?

lookluv · 31/01/2023 19:06

OP- sorry you are on here trying to justify your actions and criticise your EX. Seriously unless you have been the cheated on partner with DCS, you have no idea how hard it is to smile continue and do what you and others who have not been in this position - think is easy and should just happen.

He may regret some of what he says and does in the future but at 2 years - he is still walking in a fog, with glimpses of clarity.

I have bitten my tongue so hard to not say what your EX said - you had an affair for ? years before you decided to leave - he has to catch up, process, feel betrayed, grieve what he has lost and work out a future.

You want it your way, in your time and to fit your narrative - it does not work like that. A few months ago, my eldest is now 15 - I slipped up, as his DF once again screwed my plans through his thoughtlessness related to his other child had with OW who he is no longer with.
My DS stood with his mouth open and said that is the first time you have said anything bad about either of them. He had just cost me the best part of £1000 through his selfishness! I was embarrassed after 10 years I said what I said, even though it was true! DS gave me a hug and said - I know and thank you.

12 years on it is still a battle and quite frankly you are now coming over as quite sanctimonious, your poor 2 bed house, what he says, when he says it - sorry you lost any rights or moral high ground on what he says or does.

I do not agree with what he is doing - but give the man a break -you have no bloody idea how hard it is.

winterpastasalad · 31/01/2023 19:13

Yeah the OP had an affair and walked out on 4 dc, the youngest being 3, but wants to position herself as the victim 🤔

mumof2many1943 · 31/01/2023 19:19

Haven’t read the whole post but it appears I am in the minority. My mother left me on Paddington Station when I was 6 years old. My father picked me up about 5 minutes later (it seemed ages) I never saw her again. She went off with her lover.
l lived with my dad alone until I was 11 and he met my stepmother 😡😡 she was evil to me. I cannot forgive my birth mother for letting this happen to me. I did contact her when I was 50 letter came back do not contact me again you remind me of the worst time in my life.
BTW DH and I adopted 6 children, can’t bear to think of abandoned children.

Nyna · 31/01/2023 19:20

did you have a choice in meeting the new partner? No
Were you old enough to have a say? No
Did your betrayed parent prevent you from meeting them? She couldn’t
Did your betrayed parent make you choose an allegiance? Yes
As an older teen/adult did your feelings change? Yes, I resented my mom because this all created MH issues, from being told and retold things I shouldn’t know (about the affair)

TheEarlofButties · 31/01/2023 19:44

My dad left my mum for the OW when I was 30, 10 years ago. I never want to meet her, though my mum says she would understand. I feel it would be an absolute betrayal of my mother and I would find it very difficult not to say something horrible to the OW. She was half the reason my mother’s heart was broken and I was left to pick up the pieces. My mother isn’t perfect, but she has dignity and respect for others. I have a good reason to try and forgive my father but I will never forgive her.

Catsandzcocktails · 31/01/2023 20:12

winterpastasalad · 31/01/2023 19:13

Yeah the OP had an affair and walked out on 4 dc, the youngest being 3, but wants to position herself as the victim 🤔

Think OP still wants to have her cake and eat it too. Funny thing is she can't tell her cake is mouldy with maggots in.

Regretfulmum · 31/01/2023 23:44

winterpastasalad · 31/01/2023 18:42

Are you regretful @Regretfulmum ?

I regret having the affair. I regret the way me leaving effected the children. I do not regret leaving my abusive husband and I do not regret meeting my current partner. But yes I do regret the circumstances.

indieray · 31/01/2023 23:54

My dad had affair for a year before I was born with the next door neighbor. Parents were married for years prior. He got the women he had an affair with pregnant same time as my mum with me. There is a month between me and my half sibling.
He left the affair tried to make it work til I was 9 months old. My mum said she would never trust him and divorced him.
My dad went onto marry the affair women and had more children.
I saw my dad every week my mother remained civil.
The affair caused me massive mental health problems and my half sibling.

indieray · 01/02/2023 00:02

So to add insult to injury my dad just didn't have an affair he got 2 women pregnant at the same time.
One was planned with his wife one was not obviously.
As much as I detest what he did to my mum I have an extremely close relationship with my dad, he's my world. He has massively caused me mental health problems n my mum but regretted and openly been remorseful and lived with guilt for 30 years that he cannot take back.

Clytemnestra21 · 01/02/2023 00:34

lookluv · 31/01/2023 19:06

OP- sorry you are on here trying to justify your actions and criticise your EX. Seriously unless you have been the cheated on partner with DCS, you have no idea how hard it is to smile continue and do what you and others who have not been in this position - think is easy and should just happen.

He may regret some of what he says and does in the future but at 2 years - he is still walking in a fog, with glimpses of clarity.

I have bitten my tongue so hard to not say what your EX said - you had an affair for ? years before you decided to leave - he has to catch up, process, feel betrayed, grieve what he has lost and work out a future.

You want it your way, in your time and to fit your narrative - it does not work like that. A few months ago, my eldest is now 15 - I slipped up, as his DF once again screwed my plans through his thoughtlessness related to his other child had with OW who he is no longer with.
My DS stood with his mouth open and said that is the first time you have said anything bad about either of them. He had just cost me the best part of £1000 through his selfishness! I was embarrassed after 10 years I said what I said, even though it was true! DS gave me a hug and said - I know and thank you.

12 years on it is still a battle and quite frankly you are now coming over as quite sanctimonious, your poor 2 bed house, what he says, when he says it - sorry you lost any rights or moral high ground on what he says or does.

I do not agree with what he is doing - but give the man a break -you have no bloody idea how hard it is.

This! It's horrendously shitty to be cheated on. So many experience PTSD as a result of the absolute shattering of trust and sense of what's real/what isn't. And then the cheater criticising the person they've trampled over by describing their reactions as unreasonable is just gaslighting.

NaatQ968 · 02/02/2023 23:20

ForThePurposeOfThisPost · 29/01/2023 23:06

@NaatQ968 At 14 what did your Mum say to you about it? If you don't mind me asking.

If I'm honest, we were all present when it all came out, so I was exposed to a lot in a very emotional and life altering day... my mum was upset, my dad was upset.... I was upset and angry.

What is it you would like advice about? I'm really more than happy to help.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 02/02/2023 23:36

Mum left us. I am in the 'grin and bear it' camp and now many years down the line I wouldn't entertain my DD calling him granddad.

She has always seemed oblivious to the hurt she caused when she ripped our whole family apart. She constantly pushed for her and AP to go out for dinner with my dad and his (eventual) new partner.

My dad always politely declined. And I don't blame him. He was always civil when their paths crossed but sorry, I could never ever do what @FizzyStream and her family do. That is way too much for me. And if I'm honest, makes her mum look like a bit of a doormat. I'm a single parent now and I never badmouth my ex but there's no way I'd choose to socialise with him.