I can’t remember my children

[EmpressOfTheSofa]

Ok sounds dramatic. But I’ve just had a FB memory of my youngest doing something cute as a toddler. And watching it feels
to me like watching my own cute baby but has no relevance to the pre teen I see now.

We have a great bond, no worries there. But I can’t reconcile pictures/videos of him then to now. It’s like separate identities. The same for my much older adult DC.

Is this weird? I can see pictures of my younger siblings and join that together with the adults they are now but with my kids I seem to have a strange disconnect between who they were as infants and who they are as older children. I’m finding it quite disturbing. It’s like ‘remember that toddler we used to know’ and ‘look at this funny child laughing at his own farts’. Love them both but seem like completely different entities.

Anyone else or am I losing it?

Mine is mid twenties now and I actually get a bit teary sometimes when I look at her toddler pictures.

I can’t say I do. Obviously they’re different in as much as they’re adult now but all the photos and film clips I have of them are still very vivid to me and I remember where we were and what we were doing and compare to how they are today, they pretty much look exactly the same but older. Them as babies and toddlers are very much connected to them today but I appreciate it’s not the same for everyone. My mum couldn’t really reconcile her young children to us as adults and would often say she wished we were young again.

The past is another country (to paraphrase
When I think back in my life (not just my children) I feel like I have lived several different lives rather than one....

I can relate op.

I remember one day having a real surge of grief for my ds1 when he was about 15. I was weird because although I hadn't lost him he'd obviously grown in mind and body and I felt as though my young child had died or ceased to exist anymore. I cant really explain it well but every now and then when I think about it I can feel that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I don't have the disconnect, but I also can't remember much which makes me sad. All a blur! But then photos trigger memories which make me feel nostalgic, but in an unsettled way.

I do feel like this about my own life. I look back and see all these different ‘chapters’ of my life and it feels like a different person each time. It would be like if they made my life into a film each chapter would be played by a different actress.

I remember having a kind of existential crisis when I was about 16. I used to look at photos of myself as a child and wonder what the fuck happened, and where that person went. I couldn't connect the me I was then with the person in the photos that I used to be.

I used to take walks past the house we lived in until I was seven (which wasn't that far from our current house but I'd never been back) and kind of moon about, wondering where my life had gone.

So yes, totally normal feelings I think!

I think this is a good thing. It allows them to grow up and become independent individuals. Sometimes I look at old photos and dare say something to them like: Oh look, you were so cute as a baby. But for mummy, you'll always be my cute baby!!!' Well, I'm not living that down, they are mortally offended. I think they want that separation, too, in our minds, to know and feel that they are now different, and are seen as such, if that makes any sense?

I think it’s normal. I think you are meant to move on and grow with them and keep actively parenting them instantly in the new phase. It’s why is can feel so profoundly nostalgic looking back at them or when you get a fleeting memory of them being little and what it felt like.

I get it, sort of, but for me it's the other way around. I look at toddler/childhood pictures of me with my mother and I don't recognize her at all. THAT mother obviously loves me and is happy being with me - not the mother who took over her personality when I was 9 and who hated me by the time I was 14. I don't remember anything about who she was - that mother only exists in the very few photos I kept when we cleaned out her house after her death.

Dont worry op, you're not an alien!! 🤣 jokes aside, I too have wonderful memories appear from years ago when my boys were babies - they are now, 4, 7 and 14. I genuinely love who they have each become and are becoming 🥰 my shock/confusion comes from how fast the time flew raising them! I remember the morning I made breakfast and called the boys downstairs, my 14 year old's voice had broken overnight and when he replied 'Just in the shower mum, i'll be down in a minute' I jumped so hard I ended up flipping the pancake pan with a shakey hand, flipping it onto my inner forearm instead of the pan 🙈🙈 I laugh about it now but I really thought for a second there was a strange man taking a shower in my bathroom 🤣🤣🤣 overly strange feeling seeing his lips move with that deep voice coming out!! The same handsome boy who first made me a mama and taught me so much❤️ I do see similarities between how he was as a baba and how he is now 🥰🥰 He is still an amazing, hilariously funny he's a proper lads lad which i just adore. His brothers, completely different characters to him but so far, all 3 are pretty consistent with how they were as toddlers and how they are now. All 3 are Strong, handsome and healthy boys and that is all I could want and care about at this point.

No I feel they are the same people but I miss and still Greece for the little ones they were. Now they are strapping teens much taller than I and they don’t need me much. They in the other hand don’t want to remember anything about their younger selves

I’m exactly the same with my 18 and 16 year olds. I remember nothing from them being born till around 9 years ago. I was in an incredibly abusive relationship and it’s like my mind blanked out the entire period. I remember bits of my life but not much.

This is completely natural. Children change so much - they are almost a species of their own when they are young, tbh. None of us are anything like what we were like as children and it's why some parents find it really hard dealing with older and even grown DC. It's hard to think that this being who loved you and needed you unconditionally just doesn't anymore (well, not as much!).

I remember Jonathan Ross talking about this years ago and it was almost upsetting. That you almost lose the small kids you have as they are replaced by totally different older kids. I totally understand this, my older (grown up really) have overwritten a lot of my memories of their younger days.

That's what I thought!

I am I guess older than most of you so I am seeing this from both sides. My DS is 23; I still think the sun shines from his backside, such is his power to influence my mood while he's boomeranged home. But I also see my all powerful wise mum hitting 88 and needing support and practical advice on how to set up her utilities accounts, because she's no longer familiar and expert with judging value for money since everything went on line.

Its only been 6 minutes since your original question, impatient much?

Videos and photos of my now autistic teen contain so many hindsight red flags that now make sense!! My photos and video memories really do explain the teen I have now. Many things we thought were cute and quirky!!

I love this explanation what a beautiful analogy.

Op I'm already grieving the toddler my 8 year old was - its his birthday soon and we were looking back at photos of him 3rd birthday at cbeebies land - he was absolutely dotty for Mr tumble. Its only been five years but that eight year old is a completely different person to that wide eyed, everything I wear is yellow little boy that spoke with a lisp. I really miss little him, the one who'd spend most of his days with me. I absolutely ADORE the lad I have now but my oh my do I miss everyone of his personalities/ stages. I really miss that newborn, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I also wonder if its the same for relativies/ people / friends. My gran recently passed away, I cared for her in the final years as she was bed bound so never left the house (or barely). Growing up, she would take me to the ballet, I would sit on her dressing table as she plaited my hair ready for the grand afternoon out. The woman who died in the hospital bed wasn't the same lady I have in my head - but was. It's all rather strange and I'm glad I'm not alone in these thoughts!!

This really struck a cord for me OP. Don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say this before and it’s totally how I feel now that mine are 19, 21 and 25. I was beginning to worry about my memory (putting everything down to menopause!). It’s so reassuring to see so many feel the same. Wishing I had taken loads of video when they were wee because it’s somehow like they just disappeared when I wasn’t looking. They are all so lovely now and we have great times but I still miss them wee so much.

I think it's because they are only tiny for a small amount of time, and grow rapidly before our eyes. I remember my children in chunks if that makes sense baby, toddler, child, older child....memories with anyone else is just fluid memory as I've either grown with them or know them the same way (adults don't change much)

Glad I'm not the only one I was starting to worry i had some kind of dementia. I can remember really memorable events like birthdays, but sometimes I'm looking through old photos and I have difficulty remembering doing some of the things on the photos

Completely and utterly get this. If you have friends for 20-30 years you know them either as fully fledged adults who change very little ( relatively) or you grow up with/ alongside them. But a baby/ toddler is a unique character and snapshot in time - often quite different to at 5 or 10 or 15. In the same way as they themselves look at old photos or ( reluctantly!) listen to old anecdotes about their childhood as though it was a totally different person , it’s natural to feel bemused by the contrast ourselves I think. In some ways I think it’s healthy as it’s recognising and respecting that the child’s passions/ interests/ character that you knew and were so close to bringing them up is not the same as the young adult now. ( But it does make me sad sometimes when I look at photos and think awww where did that little cutie go!!)

Totally relate i feel the same about my now teenage children. I love the teen stage but definitely feel a stab of grief for their toddler or child selves sometimes.
Lately im having same feeling with my dad who is 75 and has aged a lot. I thinl about the man 10 years ago, so much happier and able and feel really sad.