Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t remember my children

167 replies

EmpressOfTheSofa · 29/01/2023 20:22

Ok sounds dramatic. But I’ve just had a FB memory of my youngest doing something cute as a toddler. And watching it feels
to me like watching my own cute baby but has no relevance to the pre teen I see now.

We have a great bond, no worries there. But I can’t reconcile pictures/videos of him then to now. It’s like separate identities. The same for my much older adult DC.

Is this weird? I can see pictures of my younger siblings and join that together with the adults they are now but with my kids I seem to have a strange disconnect between who they were as infants and who they are as older children. I’m finding it quite disturbing. It’s like ‘remember that toddler we used to know’ and ‘look at this funny child laughing at his own farts’. Love them both but seem like completely different entities.

Anyone else or am I losing it?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 29/01/2023 22:13

@BathshebaKnickerStickers thats so difficult. IMO it doesn’t matter what anyone says, that child is still your DD and it must be very difficult not to be truthful and say that to her.

@EmpressOfTheSofa I too can’t remember lots about my Dd s a baby and toddler. I too find it sad.

RichardOsmansXraySpecs · 29/01/2023 22:14

OneFrenchEgg · 29/01/2023 21:13

My 15 year old said this the other day, that one day he would be a man and not the same him as now.

😭

It’s so bittersweet because of course you want them to become adults but at the same time you want to keep them young forever 😢

Sugarfree23 · 29/01/2023 22:15

Op someone pointed it out years ago Mums think of their kids as they are now, not how they were 3/4 years ago.
Time just slips away and they grow up. Photos are a snap shot in time.

RichardOsmansXraySpecs · 29/01/2023 22:17

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 29/01/2023 21:44

My amazing baby girl Daisy is now a gay man called Ross. His sisters insist that I refer to the pictures that come up on Our Alexa as Ross. This was when Daisy was 3. When she was 3 she was Daisy. I can remember my children but I’m being told to change my memories

Gosh that sounds tough, I don’t know what I’d do in that situation. I suppose be there for the person they are now but at the same time I would not deny the little person they were. They are your memories of who they were at that time, don’t feel guilty for remembering the truth 💐

mostlysunnywithshowers · 29/01/2023 22:18

Yes, I kind of get this, but the other way around. My two are both primary school and I'm boxing up baby stuff to pass on looking at it all as if it happened to me in another life. I know I was there, singing in Mum and baby groups and in the park, but it feels like a different 'me'. I think the early years hormones probably do turn you into a 'different' person!!

ZeldaFighter · 29/01/2023 22:19

I said to the 12.5 yo boy today that I never noticed his voice getting deeper. I thought it would be like on TV when the choirboy's voice dramatically breaks but it didn't. It's just deepened imperceptibly over time until now I can't remember his old "little boy" voice.

I feel you but I think it is just the natural way of things. As adults and parents, our change over time is not so dramatic but our children literally go from helpless baby to independent young person in less than 20 years!

HamBone · 29/01/2023 22:21

Mine are teenagers and I find that certain sounds/smells/music/objects will trigger a vivid memory of when they were very young.

Recently, I saw a painting in an art museum called “The Yellow Dress.”
It instantly reminded me of two-year-old DD’s obsession with dressing up in a certain yellow dress for a while. She’d literally run into nursery every morning and grab it out of the dressing up box! I told her about the painting and she immediately remembered too.

Certain triggers bring back memories, I think that’s just how it is after time passes. We won’t forget the dress, even though DD’s now taller than me!😍

Ottersmith · 29/01/2023 22:22

I think nature makes Mothers forget because otherwise there would be grieving process after every stage and it would be too hard. It's harsh but I think it must happen to every woman.

OneFrenchEgg · 29/01/2023 22:25

It’s so bittersweet because of course you want them to become adults but at the same time you want to keep them young forever 😢

I know. He said it with such insight it was a bit of a moment if you see what I mean. Do you ever think that one day I won't be me and I'll be older and a man? I said I was excited to see him grow (what else could I say 🥲)

I always remember my grandad saying that time was funny, and he and granny had been so excited to come down and see us, and now it was time to go home again. It stuck with me, this idea that whatever is in the future will also be in the past.

JudgeRudy · 29/01/2023 22:27

Yes OP I get you. Its not about remembering as such, it's the association. My son and his GF are expecting their first child so lots of baby talk atm. I have to make a conscious effort to remember that when I'm talking with them about my pregnancy, my baby, my toddler etc I'm talking about him!
My parents, siblings and eg old school friends seem to 'flow' more.
I get a similar feeling with my ex husband who l have very little reason to see but he was at my daughters wedding and I just see him as the adult kids dad. I can remember being married and the children being small but can't quite connect it to that bloke over there

Couchpotato3 · 29/01/2023 22:32

I think it is a result of being very tired and stressed when your children are young - you just don't register the memories in the same way as you did for your own childhood. My kids remember all sorts of things that I have no memory of. It's nice talking to them about what they remember, because a lot of it is news to me!

NobdieTheNob · 29/01/2023 22:47

I'm glad you posted this @EmpressOfTheSofa, but for slightly different reasons. I've also been here 20 years and the thing that gets me in the gut is that it seems like only seconds since my DC were little, and now they are adults. In my mind, they are still toddlers (my favourite age, which is possibly why they are still that age in my head). I remember so much about them being toddlers, that it's as if they were still toddlers now. I can't reconcile this with them being adults, even though they are so clearly the same people as they were when they were glorious, funny, fabulous, anarchic toddlers. It's the in-between bit that has somehow gone missing for me.

The other thing that's weird is that afternoons sometimes felt like lifetimes when they were little, and now their entire childhood feels like a couple of seconds.

ThatWasThat · 29/01/2023 22:54

so I’m wondering if my tribe just isn’t posting. I see my kids as who they are today AND can see how they become them. All the stages along the way. And this is how I feel about all people I’ve know for a long time. And myself. I can see the journey in who we are today. And it’s great.

BorderlineBagpuss · 29/01/2023 22:58

Awwwwww. This has to happen OP, or else our little ones would never be permitted to leave and form their own families. I think it is part of the natural separation that Mother Nature intends. They are so precious, I think it’s nice you are mindful of it. Don’t worry.

snowtrees · 29/01/2023 22:59

Workbaseddrama · 29/01/2023 20:44

I think this feeling is becoming more common since we started viewing life through our phones and social media. I'm making a conscious effort to be more in the moment now

That's really made me think

Minfilia · 29/01/2023 23:00

I get it. I see pictures of mine as toddlers and I actually miss them.

And they’re in the next fucking room!

NobdieTheNob · 29/01/2023 23:06

snowtrees · 29/01/2023 22:59

That's really made me think

Show quote history

Social media didn't exist when my DC were small. I still don't have a phone, and they are adults. So I don't think it's entirely to do with phones and social media - though I am bloody glad that those things didn't exist when my DC were toddlers. I just experienced it, and loved every minute of it. It never crossed my mind that it could be recorded in any way other than in my head. It's still in my head more vividly than any photo.

If I could swap lives with anyone for a day, I'd swap lives with myself when my DC were toddlers/pre-schoolers.

MilkyWaytoday · 29/01/2023 23:09

I get this!! I can picture clearly my friends kids or kids I used to look after but I struggle to picture my own as little ones and I find it strange and upsetting. Of course I remember things we did and days out but I mean picturing how they looked and sounded etc.

BogRollBOGOF · 29/01/2023 23:11

I look at DS2 and he still has the same sleeping expression that he had as a baby. I love it. He's changed very little since he was very young, just got hairier!
DS1 has changed more facially, but it's still usually easy to identify which child was which on baby/ toddler photos. DH struggles as they were alike and I passed clothes on. Their mannerisms haven't changed a lot either. I've got a long memory for random details... I just can't remember why I walked into a room or my children's names 😂

bellswithwhistles · 29/01/2023 23:14

I hear you.

My son is only technically little still - he's just 8 - but he's huge - wears age 11-12 clothes and is wearing a size 5 shoe. I feel absolutely robbed of having a small boy! The only clothes I can buy him are teenage stuff (and worse, that's what he wants to wear)

When he was 5 he was the size of an 8 yr old.

Age 3 he was more like a 5 yr old.

I look at the videos/photos of him as a 1 yr old toddler and wish I could freeze frame.

Caiti19 · 29/01/2023 23:18

I had a variation of this with DC1. For 2-3 years, I couldn't connect photos/memories of him as newborn to the child in front of me. It used to frighten me a lot. I'd had a very traumatic birth, and was separated from him for 4 days. A friend explained to me this is a normal compartmentalisation that the brain does post trauma. I was able to "make the connection" again when he was 3. I realise this is a different thing to what you are describing in that it doesn't sound like there's any trauma-based reason for your disconnect, but I do relate to the fear it induces.

margegunderson · 29/01/2023 23:23

It's because you're with them all the time and so you're used to the way they are now. You don't see them in snapshots or the way they were at 4. It's easier to remember how children that you saw rarely were at a particular age because you saw them at a memorable time or place and then there was a gap.

Ellaskitchensimple · 29/01/2023 23:29

Offensiveapprently · 29/01/2023 20:35

You posted your second post 6 minutes after your first.......jeez give people time.

Yeah I agree! Attention seeking much!

HymnToGrace · 29/01/2023 23:36

We were having a tough time with our teen, and I explained that to me as his parent he's like a Matryoshka Doll. He's himself now, but we still see (and love) all the previous versions of him inside. They're connected, but distinct. Whereas for him, he's just... himself. That's why it's hard to watch them change and grow, and ultimately let them go - as we must.

Deathbyfluffy · 29/01/2023 23:38

EmpressOfTheSofa · 29/01/2023 20:28

Oh. Just me then.

You waited 6 minutes before assuming no one cares / it was ‘just you’?
It’s Sunday night, people have lives to get on with. Patience!