To choose between grammar or private school for one child and local comp for the other child

[Destinyforthetaking22]

Hi

I have a child (youngest of 2) who I am told is very clever and should pass grammar entrance exams with ease. I can afford to send them to private school (with some sacrifice elsewhere). I am a lone parent so the decision is all mine. No further financial income from their father for this.

I have another child who will likely go to the outstanding local academy and I think it’s the best environment for them there. This child will go to secondary school first. I am an educated professional who went to a state school myself.

Is private a better choice than grammar school for my youngest if I can manage it? What are the main differences between the two? Should I put my eldest in private too (even though I don’t think it’s right environment for them)? I don’t want them to hate me for not giving the same opportunity.

Would especially love to hear from anyone with experience of one at private, one at grammar and one at a good comp!

TIA

I think it will seem unfair or strange if one goes private and the other state. As there is nothing stopping you shelling out for a private education for the older less academic one (there are less academic private schools).

One grammar one state makes a lot more sense, the one you think will be state could still sit the exam if they want and all will be clear and fair. Then any money ear marked for education could help them both out at uni or whatever.

Private schools range from academic hothouses to ones that will accept anybody who can pay. You need to work out where your local private school fits on that spectrum. If it's not an academic one then you'd be paying for other advantages that the private school may offer like extra sport and smaller classes. Some private schools would be great for an academic child while others are more geared to kids who would feel more confident in a place with more attention (fewer kids)

It won't be strange if one is at grammar and the other at private. One at grammar and one at comprehensive is also fine.

Unless there aren't many private schools near you, comprehensive and private would be more strange.

I would personally pay to narrow the gap between the two kids by going private and grammar.

My girls are in their 20’s now but the eldest went to grammar school and the younger (by 2.5yrs) went to the local comp.

The elder daughter was very academic, extremely bright. Primary school struggled to keep up with her. She sat the 11 plus with no coaching whatsoever. As their primary school was so small she was the only one from her school to go to the grammar but she wasn’t bothered about being with her friends. She soon made new ones and at the grammar school was stretched and challenged and got very good GCSEs and A Level, went to Uni got a 2:1 in the difficult science degree and now has a very good job.

Younger daughter, althouhg bright, was no academic and her freinds were important to her, so we opted to send her with her friends to the local comp which at the time was Ofsted ‘Good’. She did very well, got very good GCSE’s went to the local college for 6th form and good top marks in a BTech. She’s now in a very good admin role and very happy.

The choices we made suited the girls and we don’t regret opting for schools to suit them, rather than sending them both to the same.

I have no experience of private schools but always felt the grammar school was comparable

If you can confidently explain to your DC that you've made the best decisions for their respective needs and there's no underlying favouritism then different schools aren't a problem. Eg. Giving both children the option to sit the grammar exam and have the opportunity if they want to, and accepting they might go to different schools.

If the message is likely to be "sibling 1 is smart and you're not so I'm going to direct large amounts of money into private school the smart child" then that's going to sour the sibling relationship and isn't worth doing it.

I wouldn’t be making financial sacrifices that only benefit one child, no. I feel that’s awfully unfair on the other child who has the loss of finances but also no academic advantage.
a bright child will do well at a less good school, a child that needs more help will benefit from tutors etc which you may not be able to provide if all your money is going into a private school.

Academically, Grammar schools are likely to be just as good as most academically focused private schools (though all schools differ, you need to compare the individual schools you have a choice of).

I do think you run significant risks of unfairly distributing family assets towards just one child if you put only one of them in private if there is a good state option for them. Private schools are expensive and if you can get an academically focused state education for the “bright” one, they would probably both be better off with that money spent on their post-18 education.

We don’t have the grammar system here so I can’t comment on that but DD15, in year 10 goes to a selective private school and DS13 in year 8 goes to state.

DS did year 7 at a non selective private (different to DDs as hers is girls only). He is very sporty and academically average. He hated it, he was out 7 til 7, felt he didn’t fit in, found the work too much (there was a lot of homework). The teaching style didn’t suit him and there was a lot of materialism and unaddressed bullying. He begged me in the summer to let him go to our local state school and after much thought we agreed. He loves being back with his primary school friends , enjoys the lessons and the teaching and is doing really well. He is also much less tired and has more time for himself.

They are all different, DDs school is worth every penny and she loves it and is thriving. A different school did not suit my very different younger child and he is happier and doing better in a state school. I believe he will meet his potential in terms of GCSE/A level results here too. We will review again for sixth form and he may want to go to a private school again then.

Why are you interested in private school for the more academic child but not the older one? Think about what would be best for each of them individually, and factor in what you can afford and whether it's worth it. If you have a good grammar school and a good comprehensive school, I'd probably offer both of them the chance to try for the grammar (unless your older one would have little chance of getting in or would be unsuited to it, as seems to be the case). Likely end up with one in comprehensive and the other in grammar. I'd only go private if there's a clear advantage for either of them and you can afford it fairly easily. If the grammar was good and the available comprehensives poor, then I'd think about a decent private school for the older child (many private schools are non-selective or close to it), and grammar for the younger one.
I have 2 DCs and one went to a private boarding school on a scholarship, and the other went to comprehensive. The one who went to comprehensive was a little envious of the boarding school, but understood the circumstances and had lots of extra input in other ways. The DCs get on very well. Both got into top universities.

If you’ve got a really good local state secondary - an outstanding academy- then I’d ditch the idea of private for DC2 entirely and just focus on grammar, then if they don’t get in they can go to the same school as their older sibling.

It’s likely an able student will do well anywhere. If you spend a lot of money on DC2’s education, as a lone parent can you afford to invest that into DC1 as well? I’d see this as a fairness issue as much as anything else.

Different if your DC2 had some social or emotional need for private schooling in smaller classes etc., but if it’s purely because they’re bright, I’d honestly reckon they’ll thrive in a good state school too.

Kids are all different so you make the best decision for them individually.

I'm a lone parent too, if my DD13 was a different character I would have sent her to the local secondary.

However, she is very bright and has ADHD and ASD. All girls Private school was the right answer for her and she is thriving in the small class sizes.

I was also really concerned about the rise of sexual assaults against girls in mixed secondary schools.

Go with what is right for yours as individuals.

Private for both or neither.
Concentrate on trying to get a grammar school place for your eldest. If they don’t get into one it’s not a disaster as you have the outstanding local academy option. You are in a fortunate position.

DD was offered a Grammar place but we chose Private, there were a few reasons but one was that DS probably wouldn’t get a place at Grammar.
However, when we made that choice we knew we could afford to send both there with only a 1 year overlap. Our local Comp is awful, no way could I have sent DS there while his sister was at The Private school virtually next door

I would say not private and comp. Grammar and private or grammar and comp can work.
But if you do want to think about Grammar for #2 you should ask the teachers whether #1 would stand a chance too. Because it may be that they would get in too. It's very easy to categorise your children and say "they won't manage" and that in itself can be hurtful for them.

As a child I felt by far and away the least academic. Dc1 was good at everything (except music-they're tone deaf) and worked very hard. Dc3 from an early age people used to speak of in reverent tones when referring to their academic ability and I was told they never stopped working.
I was dc2... I didn't need telling that they were better. It was there in black and white in their reports, and what other parents said. I was ordinary.

I felt I was much less academic and gave up trying because I thought I'd never do as well. In my head I thought that if I didn't try then I could at least pretend that I might have done as well if I had.

However it was only after I was adult I realised that actually I got one more GCSE than them (with same/better grades), and same A-level grades. That sounds like I was tallying it up, but I'd always had in my head that I'd done less well than them. I knew their grades, I knew mine, but in my head they'd done far better. It was only a chance conversation about grades where someone said "but you did better" and I thought "I suppose I did". Even then I thought it was probably a fluke and I didn't deserve to.

Gradually I realised that either they had to be as clever as I'd always been led to believe, or worked as hard as I'd always been told, but actually both together didn't add up. And I was not as stupid as I'd always thought I was.
I was not as all-round as them, which I think was why I appeared less academic, but I had one side where I was much stronger than either.

I think if my parents had had to choose which of us had gone private then I would have been the one they'd have sent to the comp. I was seen as a survivor, the one who could cope better and not needing the academic work.

Do I resent my parents? No.
But we were given the same opportunities. I think if that hadn't been the case they I would.

You have to do what's right for your individual children

If your logic is sound and you can explain it, and you might have to once DCs are older and ask why one got private education and the other didn't, then that's a legitimate choice

I think it would be very strange not to give them both the same opportunity. Why not get them both to sit the 11+. If the eldest isn’t academic enough they won’t pass and you can’t be accused of not giving them to opportunity. If the younger one does pass then you cannot be accused of treating them preferentially.

Little point opting for private if you have a good grammar and the reason you want something more than the local comp is that your youngest is very academic. Save your money and he’ll then both get on the housing ladder.

Nope. If you have a good state secondary I'd use it. What if the child you send state hates it or drastically underperforms the sibling who goes private? You're setting up a lifetime of toxic feelings. If they both do well it will be fine (but even then...). If the state one doesn't then you're in a world of hurt. Primary would be different but secondary should be the same.

I think that whatever you choose, you should do the same for all of your DC.

DH is one of 4, and his DPs chose to send 2 DC to state school and 2 went to Private. Even now, as adults in their 50's, the difference in how they have done career-wise, how they speak, who they are friends with, even the type of area where they choose to live, is really quite markedly divided by which school each 2 DC went to.

I can't imagine unfairly disadvantaging one of my children, or favouring one other the other. I don't think you can even be sure which would be the advantage or disadvantage, it seems most sensible to give both DC the same start in life, as feeling that you've been treated unfavourably by your DP, in relation to your sibling, could lead to life long resentments. Of course, that may not happen in your case, it's simply what I have seen with DH's family.

I just don’t think it’s a good idea to pay for private school for one child and send the other to the local comp. If it’s as wonderful and outstanding as you say then surely it’s good enough for both the kids? I think it could easily be seen (rightly or wrongly) by the kids when they’re older as ‘oh the local comp was good enough for you, but your brother was just so clever so we had to pay out for private school for him.’

I’m 50 and my brother is 4 years older. He still bangs on about me going to “posh” school while he was at a shite one and apparently every mistake he’s ever made is down to that.
I was actually on a full scholarship so it was free, he took it too but didn’t get it.
It does create resentment if a school is good enough for one child but not another

I’d go for Grammar and private. Only consider the local state if your child would be better off taking Btec/NVQs.

Oh I’m sure your parents didn’t mean it like that! I wasn’t saying op meant that either, more that I think if there were any issues this could definitely be seen as an ‘injustice.’

I have 2 at private school and 1 in a state school but that was entirely their decision not mine. I work at the private school so would have had significantly reduced fees but youngest dc was adamant that he was going to the local state school. I am sure people judge me as I’ve had a couple of snide comments and I assume they think I’ve favoured my older dc which is not the case.
In your case I’d be cautious about dc2 having the grammar/private choice when private was never even an option for dc1. Would dc1 want to go to private school? If so it seems unfair to not give them the same opportunity as dc2.
Even though my dc’s state school is very good, the facilities and opportunities at my other dcs’ private school are much better in many ways.

Thanks for all the replies! Some very interesting questions and perspectives.

So what I intend to do is get both DC to sit the 11+ if only for the experience. My #1 is bright too and does very well in one core subject but may not pass without some intense tutoring which I don’t want to put us through. I have discussed this with them. They do not want the tutoring but happy to sit exam. This child is not massively competitive.

#2 is very academic with very little effort. They stand out and many different people have told me this. They just get how to do stuff easily and I don’t really know where it comes from! They could pass 11+ with a normal amount of studying and no whipping into shape (so I am told). This child is competitive and thrives to win. Both children have exactly the same opportunities.

My little exposure to private is that the can be competitive and elitist but provide an opportunity to meet people in different circles. I feel one might thrive there and the other not.

Yeah, go in and treat your children all differently, that won’t cause issues later on in life will it!