To choose between grammar or private school for one child and local comp for the other child

[Destinyforthetaking22]

Hi

I have a child (youngest of 2) who I am told is very clever and should pass grammar entrance exams with ease. I can afford to send them to private school (with some sacrifice elsewhere). I am a lone parent so the decision is all mine. No further financial income from their father for this.

I have another child who will likely go to the outstanding local academy and I think it’s the best environment for them there. This child will go to secondary school first. I am an educated professional who went to a state school myself.

Is private a better choice than grammar school for my youngest if I can manage it? What are the main differences between the two? Should I put my eldest in private too (even though I don’t think it’s right environment for them)? I don’t want them to hate me for not giving the same opportunity.

Would especially love to hear from anyone with experience of one at private, one at grammar and one at a good comp!

TIA

The financial sacrifices you say you will need to make to send dc2 private - are they going to impact on dc1? Because if dc1 gets the negative impact but with none of the benefits their sibling gets then yes its likely to breed resentment. If they have to miss out on holidays, school trips, days out, tutoring etc because you prioritise paying for their sibling's education why would they be OK with that?

To all who have said the disparity between one at private and one at outstanding comp, I can see this now. I thought before that the money not spent on #DC1 education will be saved for them for the future to level out the huge cavern between them that @OliveWah speaks of. Level up for them. Or is this terrible idea again? Maybe #2 did not want that cash spent on school?!

It’s a terrible idea, the one at private school could end up saying I didn’t want you to spend the money on school fees I want it as a house deposit the same as my sibling.

If you're in a grammar area, then your local school won't be a comp.
(you may of course be on the edge of a grammar area, in which case this doesn't apply).

It sounds like private school will be a stretch so I would advise against doing it.

Surely your option then boils down to the DC can sit the 11+ and if they pass can go to the grammar, if not then the local school?

Don't forget if you child is bright, he/she might be able to get a scholarship, which would help with fees. You might also be able to apply for a bursary if your income is below a certain amount.

Private is not always better than grammar. They are all very different. We have twins, one in a grammar, one private, because we felt it suited them better this way. They are both enjoying it, though the one in a private school prefers the sound of the grammar (but he wouldn't have got it, nor would he hack it). The work in the grammar is so much more challenging than private. And there seems to be more help available. So really it all depends on your local choices.

Logically I’d have thought your not quite as academically bright DC would benefit more from the private school .
I still think both or neither.

Yes terrible idea re money. Arguably money is better spent as a young adult than on education, especially as it's so hard for young adults these days. And even worse if the private school educated child hated it (I did)?

Also you should reread your post - you're already assuming there will be a "huge cavern" between your DC - how will you explain to them that you made the decision already assuming this?

I think this is a really bad idea -what if dc2 would rather have the cash!

Equality between siblings is so important. One at grammar and one at comprehensive is fine. One at comprehensive and one at private is not. A grammar/private mix is not unusual either, as grammars are often seen as being as good as private schools. If you can afford private and have perfectly good state options then why not use them and save the feed for them to use as adults.

Equal or nothing. You can justify it however you like but it will affect their relationship with each other and you if you do not treat them equally.

Ok so it makes sense to do both at private and ones suited to them individually. So find one for DC1 which is more nurturing and the smaller class sizes will definitely help them.

Second option may be one at the local outstanding academy and other in grammar if they both don’t get into grammar. Or both May end up at the academy if neither gets in.

So this leaves me with another question should I shell out for private for both or just save the money for them for the future? Like you say @BelleMarionette save the feed for later?

Or @HappyBinosaur are the private opportunities and facilities worth it now? I might not have lots to give them later if I spend on private now

Your state options sound good, honestly I’d save for their future, not uni but for a house deposit.

Need to treat them the same. If private is a stretch neither should go.

@Destinyforthetaking22 save for house

Either both at grammar or none. My opinion is that it is often the less naturally bright child who needs the attention and opportunities of a private school, not the kid who is clever and competitive.

DD is at a grammar and DS will go to a local comp. Both completely the right choice. Grammar/Comp and Grammar/Private are both common choices around here where grammar suits one and not the other or one fails to get in.

private just for one doesn’t happen. Your choices sound good (indeed you could be in the Sutton grammar area where I am as that is similar to us bit other way round). Both do 11+ and take it from there

Do not do this.

DH was sent to an incredibly expensive public school and his sister was sent to a very good state school. Deep down I think some of her issues, she is an extremely jealous sort of person stem from this. Imagine he gets the best education money can buy, marries and has a long marriage and a child. She does not get the education and also doesn’t marry or have children and she is hugely resentful. She also bullied DH a lot when they were kids.

I went to a dire comp and DH and I ended up working together on similar wages. Just saying :)

Will you be able to help with uni costs if you pay for private schools? If not I would prioritise that.

I think grammar and comp (or grammar and grammar) seems more fair.

If you decide on different routs for them, be really clear to them on why and be prepared to change either of their schools if it isn't working out. My three elder sisters were sent to private secondary school. I was not. Wasn't asked, or explained why. I was just enrolled in the local comp. I still feel hurt. I would have faired far better at a private school.

Yabu
DM went out of her way to send dsis to a private education. I was sent to the local comprehensive, which was terrible. DM’s reasoning was ‘dsis would never survive that environment’. I barely did, and came out the other side with a self harm problem, a drug addiction and had been bullied for five years straight. Partially because I had a sibling at the ‘posh school’.
Dsis had always been the golden child, but until then I hadn’t realised just by how much.

@Slowingdownagain it is likely all costs for them both will be down to me only. For their uni, weddings, helping with house deposit and saving for grandkids (I hope!). Their dad is likely to never financially help with this. It’s all on me.

I need to give them the best opportunities to be self sufficient as adults but I’d also like to be able to give them a helping hand when it’s important like a house deposit.

If I send them both to private it will mean less for all the other things I have mentioned but will I have placed them in so much better standing that they can attain those things themselves?

like many have said bright kids will do well anywhere so maybe the grammar and academy are fine?

I think that could be equally problematic! Say you spend loads to put one child through private school, then give the same amount in a lump sum to the other child. The first child might then think ‘so I’ve had money spent that I didn’t want spent and now my sibling can buy their own house and maybe I’ve got a good education but I’m sitting here at uni with a class filled with people who went to regular comps.’

Well in that case it depends what you can afford. I would prioritise sending both to uni should they want to.

if things are tighter and sacrifices need to be made to afford private school that makes it quite unfair on the other child.