To choose between grammar or private school for one child and local comp for the other child

[Destinyforthetaking22]

Hi

I have a child (youngest of 2) who I am told is very clever and should pass grammar entrance exams with ease. I can afford to send them to private school (with some sacrifice elsewhere). I am a lone parent so the decision is all mine. No further financial income from their father for this.

I have another child who will likely go to the outstanding local academy and I think it’s the best environment for them there. This child will go to secondary school first. I am an educated professional who went to a state school myself.

Is private a better choice than grammar school for my youngest if I can manage it? What are the main differences between the two? Should I put my eldest in private too (even though I don’t think it’s right environment for them)? I don’t want them to hate me for not giving the same opportunity.

Would especially love to hear from anyone with experience of one at private, one at grammar and one at a good comp!

TIA

DD is in private primary and DS is in state primary. The private primary wasn’t an option for DS because it’s single sex. I love both schools equally, for some of the same reasons and for some different ones. My feeling is that there’s the right school for each child, we were very lucky to be able to choose from private or state but I don’t think private is inherently better for each child.

For what it's worth, DSis and I had a similar experience - I went to an extremely selective school (grammar equivalent), she wasn't offered a place when she did the rounds so went to the local private school.

We've achieved broadly the same things, both have degrees, both have well paying professional jobs, both had similar school experiences and opportunities. There is no resentment there at all and we are incredibly close - the only real difference is that she says she would prefer to send any theoretical children private whereas we're happy with selective and good comprehensive options we have locally although we could go private (and have actual children rather than theoretical ones 😂).

I personally think it's the right school for the right child, but I appreciate that there will have been many factors which made this work for our family.

We sent both to comp then had issues with one (less brighter of the two) & ended up moving them to private. The elder one is blooming in state. The younger is now blooming in private after falling apart in state. We feel we had no option. Do feel guilty sometimes as couldn't afford to send both to private.. it was never our intention to use private at all. I think you got to find the right school for each child. If you can.

Send the child that passes to the Grammar School and find a private that suits the other child if you can afford it . I have one in Grammar and one in the Comp . My experience of Grammar is that it is equal in quality and opportunity to Private .

My kids go to the equivalent of grammar schools where we live. Most of the families we know tend to send any siblings who missed out on the grammar to private schools, because the grammar is perceived as being as good or better than private.

I think it would be very odd to prioritise money towards the child you perceive as brighter. That will just create resentment in the future. Either Private/Grammar or Comp/Grammar is a reasonable choice but I wouldn’t do Private/Comp apart from where a child has not enjoyed the private environment snd has asked to move.

If local state schools are good then my default would always be to send my children there as I am not a supporter of privatised education.

My parents sent me to state grammar and my older brother to public school. I flew academically, he did not. There is resentment there, even though my parents had reasons they felt were valid. Put them both in for the grammar and if one doesn’t get in that’s just how it is.

I will probably have one in private and one at a very ordinary state school by secondary level. One is very academic and musical, one has autism and special needs albeit is coping well at mainstream school.

Is that “fair”? No. But I’m not disadvantaging DC2 further (their life is already dictated a lot by DC1 needs) by not giving them the opportunities they could hugely benefit from just because DC1 can’t have them. It’s nothing to do with money, I could pay for private for DC1 but no private school would take them and in any case it wouldn’t be the right place for them, their needs are best met in the state sector. If they feel aggrieved by this in future then so be it.

I wouldn’t do it if spending on private for DC2 would diminish quality of life for DC1 though - we can afford it without any impact on holidays, housing, activities etc.

I'be been wondering similar things for my kids and I actually went to state private and grammar schools growing up for various reasons- eg moving house.
I agree with others - either both private or both state (whether grammar or comp). There seems such a difference in mindset and culture in the private sector that it would be quite alienating for one sibling to have that Vs one in the comp.
I think academically there are opportunities in all 3 systems - most comps stream classes by ability so the top sets would be similar to selective schools anyway. Your self starter would do fine there, although I agree on the sexual harassment type concerns. But an outstanding school would surely be on top of that anyway. Private schools tend to have longer school days which helps their results, plus they often take more GCSEs - more studying time but also more pressure where parents investment is at stake.
Otherwise there's the facilities - food/sports/drama studios etc will likely be stunning and fabulous in a private school and there will be an expectation of wider extra curricular activities.
But comps and grammars can also have beautiful facilities - you need to scour the websites and see what you think. Can always join a tennis / gold club if you went state to broaden their sports as required plus they might have more time to do stuff after school.
Friends: local and more free time to relax and see people/play sport after school etc with the comp/maybe the grammar dept how near it is. Private school friends likely to be more spread out geographically which makes logistics harder - more moneyed families obviously so more fabulous holidays and houses amongst them. Poss more international/high achieving families too. Longer school holidays in private too might be tricky to coordinate.
Commute: need to consider locations obviously and travel time.
Attitude: private schools drive the I can and I will take on the world type attitude, grammars do too but less of an expectant/entitled tone given less money behind the students. Comp will likely promote more inclusive attitude, getting on with all sorts of people, from all walks of life. Grammar likely to be parental support/pressure as lots of parents have really gone all out with 11+ tuition fees etc to give their kids the best opportunities they can. Risk of not hothousing in grammars and privates too to consider in terms of pushing back to teachers if it looks that way.
Probably more behavioural issues with classmates in a comp, might be bullying in all schools- all schools should have pastoral support for this thiugh - something to pay close attention to in open days.
So all have their pros and cons and obvs this is very much generalising and individual schools will be different in various ways but state Vs private is quite different and for family harmony having both in the same system makes sense.
Good luck! Quite fun deciding really whilst also being totally stressful!!

Oh ps agree that grammar is a bit more in between - one state/private and the other one grammar makes sense too!

Around me the private schools are pretty selective and nearly as good as the grammar academically. They have an edge around more rounded extracurricular experiences whereas the local grammar is very much a high pressured academic hothouse. There are a couple of private schools where you just have to pay to attend but are either too far logistically to get to or religious.

My older didn't get admitted at 7+ but my younger did at the same school. They will try for grammar but I think my elder will be happy at the local comp. I'm not sure why OP is being voted as unreasonable ? At the end of day if the child isn't selected by selective schools and there isnt a suitablr private option nearby what can you do?

I'd send them both state to begin with. The less academic one is more likely to need the extra money spending on them but if you have good state schools then you might as well see how they get on.
You say they are both bright. Bright children with supportive parents do well anywhere. The only spanner in the works is unhappiness due to bullying or bad behaviour in the school. It's good to know you would have options if that was to be an issue at the academy or grammar but hopefully it won't be.

You say you went to a state school yourself and now earn enough to put 2 children through private school, so it obviously didn't harm your prospects

Funny @SnackSizeRaisin I was just thinking the same thing I never went to private nor a grammar school but I was studious and loved to read. My parents did their best but did not give the same opportunities and experiences I give my DC.

I went to a good RG uni and definitely sat in classes with privately educated students and we all ended up in the same place as @Kanaloa says. This was my experience. I work with many privately educated professionals and I can hold my own just as well as them!

But if I went to private could I have achieved that much better and could my DC is my
question?

If I save the school fees we can have much better travel experiences, lifestyle choices, extracurricular opportunities and tailored tutoring to their needs to get them those good grades for a top uni. They would also be more rounded people able to deal with all good and bad life throws at them.

Hi OP, my older sister sat the 11 plus test and didn't pass, went to the local Comp. I sat it and passed so went to the grammar.

She was bright but not academic, got zero attention from teachers focused on the failing kids, and did worse than expected at A-levels. She went to a mediocre Uni through clearing but has nevertheless had a very successful career in a field she loves.

I loved my hothousing grammar school, excelled, went to Cambridge and got a first, tried my hand at a creative career, flunked out, and am now under-employed and pondering how to proceed career-wise after a break while my kids have been small.

My DSis from the Comp school no doubt out-earns me by some degree, plus has a great pension etc which I don't! :)

So all of this is to say that it all comes out in the wash in the end, academic kids don't necessarily become millionaires and less-academic ones become drop-outs...

HOWEVER, in your shoes I'd try to avoid the situation where your academic one gets the paid-for school and your other one gets the comp. If it's a funded bursary place at the private school then that's fine - if the whole family is missing out on holidays because you're paying for only one kid's education then I think that's a recipe for resentment on one side and undue pressure on the other side.

Your kids may end up resenting each other and you, both for different reasons. It would be very unfair and will most likely cause unhappiness down the line.

Friends of mine sent their academically able child to a renowned state grammar and, to avoid their less academic child going to an indifferent comprehensive, sent him to a private school. They felt it was justified as the eldest already had advantages. Children are grown up now and I have never heard there was any resentment on either side.

Personally I'm not greatly in favour of private schools but I'm lucky to live in an area with decent state schools and I always said I would pay if a certain school particularly met a child's needs.

In your case, if there is a decent state grammar and a decent comprehensive, I would definitely not pay for private schools. Use the saved money to enrich their lives in other ways - travel, hobbies, culture etc.

OP, are you really sure you can afford private school on one income without hardship? Look at the fees all the way up, look at the % by which costs have historically risen per year, then add inflation onto that, and then choose. Did you attend a private school yourself in the 70s/80s/90s? It was a lot more affordable in those days!

You mention "sacrifices" - but any sacrifices that you make in your family are likely to impact your older child too, not just you and not just your younger child. If I knew I was missing out on stuff to fund my younger sibling's private school, I can't say it wouldn't potentially cause a bit of friction.

If you are in a grammar school area, I'd use the money to spend on some tutoring for both kids; whether they passed or not would be up to them once the tutoring was done. It sounds like your oldest is not the competitive type, so one at the local secondary and one at the grammar would probably not result in tension. I do think I'd insist on the older child doing some tutoring and trying the test anyway; if they have weaker subjects, it's in their interest to do some extra work on those areas anyway, whether or not they end up at the grammar school.

80s/90s I should probably say, actually! Although I was born (just) in the 70s.

I believe grammar would be the best way to go. I can't imagine how upset your other child would be if you were to pay for private school for their sibling and not them. I think it will set a huge divide between them and you unfortunately. Have you considered the emotional impact on both children?

On face value it's not fair to give one the opportunity of private and not the other. Everyone knows private schools would have access to better facilities and clubs all those things that give children additional "capital".

Your other daughter could seriously resent you as grows up. I would give a choice of either both going or both having choice o local grammar school or comp.

Or you could save the money for university and to help them buy a house.
My observation is that, these days, financial support as a young adult makes most difference unless your child gets a really well paid job that enables them to go totally alone - and this is now a smaller and smaller number.

Grammar and comp, the gap is too wide otherwise. Other option is put your other child into private to get the additional benefits while your more academic child goes to the grammar.
My daughter (13) is really bright, had option of grammar school and passed the 11+ but decided she would prefer to go to the girls comp with her friends. She is doing really well there, selected for gifted and talented and extra input etc, because all schools recognise bright kids and if they're able they'll do well anywhere.

I would give them the same opportunities- 11+ and grammar school place and if not, then outstanding comp.

I would save the money from private school for university, driving lessons, extra curricular music/sports, holidays and house deposits.

All the things you mention that you will have to cut back on will disadvantage the kid who doesn't go to private school. We never went on holidays as a child as we couldn't afford it due to [sibling]'s school fees. I couldn't do Golf as we couldn't afford it due to [sibling]'s school fees. That's not on and will lead to resentment. Especially as there is no real reason for it other than to make the already better achieving child achieve even more (leaving the other one behind).

There's also every chance that putting the brighter one in private sshcool will result in quite different earning potential later in life too, and I wonder if you are setting yourself up for accussations for favouritism when in the potential lense of being less successful in life your older child looks back at what was invested in each of them and their sucess (and blame you for their lack of comparative success).

I had one twin at a super selective state grammar and one at an Outstanding secondary. The one in comp then moved to a state super selective grammar (he had originally declined a place in favour of comp). This is because the difference in education and standards was clear. I also say this as somebody who works in schools, including some bloody amazing secondaries.

The one at secondary was not in a good environment. There was poor behaviour, disruption in classes and bullying. As a result, my child's education and wellbeing suffered, so I do not believe the old adage that a bright child will do well anywhere. He moved to grammar and excelled.

I do not believe the old adage that children in comps are more equipped to deal with everything life throws at them (you said similar OP). It depends on the child/home/environment and other factors.

In your position, I would not ask both to take the 11+ 'for the experience' as you said. It's not a fun, relaxing experience. The child has to want to do it, and be aware that it is a pressure pot. Some children thrive on that, others do not.

If you think your brighter one can pass the 11+ - and I'm not sure if you are in a traditional gs county (I am not, so competition for the rare gs is through the roof) then go for it. It's not a given they will pass, even if they are bright. Passing is not enough here, it's the highest scores get in only. Give your other child the same option if they want it, but consider private for them.

Again thanks for all the replies. @WoolyMammoth55 can you explain what your hothouse grammar was really like? How do grammar schools treat their students to excel?

Also did your sis have additional tutoring to help her through? This is what I will do for my DC if they don’t get into grammar.

Thanks @middleager . I have decided it’s either both at private or none. I would only put older DC in private if the academy is very dire for them. You said you saw the difference in education standards between the comp and grammar. What are the differences? I will keep an eye on behaviour, disruption as best I can with the school. How can I lessen the the learning gap between an academy and grammar schooling?