Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

Basically, yes, unless or until she can articulate something that will actually help her to move forward and create a new life for herself.

A few years ago my 88-year-old neighbour knocked on my door to tell me the horrifying news that her 55-year-old son had unexpectedly passed away. She sat at my kitchen table and said "I promised myself I wouldn't cry!" as she shed a few tears. He was the light of her life but she pulled herself together and said "I guess that chapter of my life is over," and continued to be part of the community band (she was a lifelong trumpet player), continued to garden, smilingly came over to play with my then-puppies, went on outings with her sister and otherwise lived her life until she died at age 94. She didn't sit in her chair and mope.

Some old friends gave her a big 90th birthday party; she was sad that her son couldn't be there but she was a smiling and gracious honoree and seemed to have a good time sharing memories of her entire life. But then she had a lot of friends, hobbies and other interests.

@Stunningscreamer You are right. The son and DIL can tell her they want nothing to do with her until she is happy again. They do not have to do anything for her.

Is her son supposed to give up all of his annual leave to pander to a woman who is perfectly able and capable of grabbing a train?

This is the sort of thing I had in mind when saying it's important to look at the longer term, bigger picture. Nobody denies the impact of losing a much loved spouse and it's absolutely right that MIL's supported, but IME input has to be balanced so that "don't want to" doesn't become "can't", with more and more falling to OP/DH as the years pass

While this is undoubtably a traumatic time for MIL I've found there can be a risk of infantalising the bereaved, and that could be damaging - not least for MIL herself

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune So you are basically saying if someone is bereaved it is fine to cry once or twice after they have died, and then a small sadness at important occasions. But otherwise you should appear to everyone else as if you are totally normal.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy

No, you don’t get to say your grief was worse than someone who lost both of their parents. I’m sorry but you just don’t. Or maybe yours is the “all encompassing” type. That’s not true you’re just deciding to wallow in it more than someone else who takes a more grateful and proactive approach.

Some people certainly deal with bereavement better than others. Some people are also more emotionally dependent than others- the MIL sounds like a dependent sort of person, tbh. She was clearly v. reliable on her DH and feels totally lost without him. Gradually, she’ll need to find her feet and as I said upthread, I think her son would be best placed to visit her alone and talk to her about practical ways to help her.

What is she doing to help with her anxiety? Has she asked for help with the journey?

Good for you if you would use your annual leave to regularly do six hour trips to pick someone who is fit and healthy up. Some people have to balance what they do for their fit and healthy parents with their obligations to themselves, their wives and their children. It doesn't give the parent the right to sulk and be rude to them in their own house. Funnily enough her anxiety didn't stop her actually getting the train, did it? The best way, in fact the only way, to address your anxiety is to face your fears. Giving into it effectively makes it worse.

@Puzzledandpissedoff There is a middle ground. OP and her husband can help MIL develop enough confidence to take the train. Address what the issues are.

There’s so much to respond to here and I can see there are lots of different views! I won’t be able to reply to everything but a few points.

I think the posters who’ve said she’s angry are spot on. She feels FIL’s death was very unfair (it was) but it wasn’t anyone’s fault so she doesn’t have anybody to get angry with. So instead she will lash out at the world in other ways. Not trying to say that is either right or wrong but just that I think it’s a fair assessment.

Yes her life did revolve around FIL and that does make it much harder to rebuild her life, she is pretty much starting from scratch.

I guess the watching TV isn’t really that big a deal in itself, I was just trying to illustrate the situation. For example if we ask her if she wants to come out with us somewhere with the kids she will decline as she’d rather stay at home and watch Loose Women.

As someone else said, there is a difference between frequently mentioning FIL and turning literally every conversation around to him. My child did find it confusing when they thought they’d done a nice thing by drawing a picture and gran immediately started crying.

I don’t think I’m a selfish person but I don’t think I’m a saint in all of this either. It’s very complicated and I find the situation both frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time.

I didn't say that, you're just being dramatic.

Agree with all you say, particularly that we are bad at even thinking about death in this country. I think, actually, that being part of an entwined and dependent couple, as it sounds as if the OP's MIL was, makes it easier to pretend it will never happen.

I've also encountered survivors who were traumatised by what dying is really like, which isn't always like the movies where someone expires quickly and neatly in bed. So many people have a very sick partner brought home for the last few days or weeks and then find themselves alone and terrified and with no handbook. It can be traumatising.

Still not the same thing unless the son was living with her and a part of every day.

@Stunningscreamer I spent a weekend once a fortnight for months travelling a round trip of 600 miles to see a dying FIL. I work full time.

Wednesday was the first year anniversary of my DPs death. After a small gathering at the grave and a civilised drink with nearest and dearest, I kept on drinking and didn't stop till my adult son (no relation to DP) peeled me off the pavement in town. I'm 54. I'm mortified. I have let it all out maybe half a dozen times in the last year, while trying to keep calm and carry on. I'm forgiven, thankfully but never doubt that the bereaved know how bothersome they can be and how the effort of not upsetting anyone else more than necessary can be.

I'm getting a kitten in 6 weeks.

Something to focus on and keep alive until I feel worth keeping alive.

Dramatic? Probably. But I'm past giving a fuck.

Maybe you need, asa family to make sure everyone is feeling heard and supported. Maybe MIL has always been a bit difficult. But when your life is turned utterly upside down, self awareness is accompanied by paranoia and defensiveness. It's not a competition. It is deeply personal and unique.

Grief has a funny way of affecting people. The OPs MIL wasn't like this beforehand. I am currently going through this with my DM, lost my DF in the last 18 months. My DM has recently been heartbroken telling me she feels like she failed because she wasn't there for us in our grief. In reality, how could she be there for us when she wasn't there for herself. I had my DH to go home to and give me a hug and tell me it would be OK, who did my Mum have?

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy We have an allotment the man who took on the plot opposite from us is a man in his sixties who (in his own words) “needed a project” because his wife died six months ago. stop bloody shouting at people and criticising ideas because you don’t agree with them or they wouldn’t have worked for you . you literally told me a few posts ago people are different. Follow your own advice!!! for some people a project is exactly what helps them.

Of course she's angry it's part of the grief process.

And yes she will be saying no to everything because she feels like her life has stopped.....time will heal that.

'You can't just expect people to give up their own lives indefinitely though'

No one is giving their lives up. It is one visit, I'm not sure how often mil goes but it doesn't seem in 'giving lives up indefinitely' territory.

'Good for you if you would use your annual leave to regularly do six hour trips to pick someone who is fit and healthy up'

It isn't 'someone'. It isn't Fred down the street, it is his depressed, upset, nervous dm. No need to use up precious annual leave last I heard folk got days off so if it was me, if my poor dm was in a state and needed collecting say every 6 months I'd plan it in and around my days off.

Which is a different situation.

Would you have done it if he was perfectly well and could have done the journey by train? If so, then good for you, but you can't expect everyone to do the same and it doesn't make them bad people or selfish.

Zelda

Sorry if you expect everyone to deal with loss and grief 'quietly snd with dignity' because you did makes no sense. Everyone is different and everyone deals with especially in this case very sudden early and shocking loss differently.

I think this is a great suggestion. The 1:1 time is important but also he could gently persuade her to see her GP and offer to go with her.

Going to her house will also tell him if she’s coping day to day, or not.

BTW I don’t think it’s wrong to ask her to get the train. Assuming it’s a reliable, straightforward journey and he meets her at the station.

It isn't 'someone'. It isn't Fred down the street, it is his depressed, upset, nervous dm. No need to use up precious annual leave last I heard folk got days off so if it was me, if my poor dm was in a state and needed collecting say every 6 months I'd plan it in and around my days off.

It’s at least every other month.

Couldn’t have articulated it any better myself. My sincere condolences. I’m nearly six years in from my DH’s death and remarried a short time ago. I can assure you that things do get better - the grey will go and the sun will come out again. Even though I’m happily remarried, the anniversary of my DH’s passing and the events that led up to it are still painful - I think they always will be. We don’t get over these things, but we learn how to cope with life alongside them. 💐

I think in healthy relationship one person tries to empower the other, as well as caring for the other person.

None of us likes to think about death but everytime somebody dies at a relatively young age - and people get terminal cancer, they have fatal heart attacks - I ask myself how I would manage. I remind myself of earlier generations who lost partners just because some diseases were harder to cure, but also because of world wars.

I know that there are some practical tasks I would struggle with, but remind myself there are YouTube videos and online sites full of advice. I know that I'd be lonely but I also know that I have friends and interests, and that I'd need to keep going.

If people have relied on their partner to do absolutely everything and assumed that the other person is going to be around doing absolutely everything for ever, it's a pretty infantile attitude.

Which may sound heartless. Of course grief and loss are terrible things. But there can be a kind of selfish self-centredness too.

@turquoisepenguin Every two months. So collect after work or at the weekend.