Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

'Clearly being driven is symbolic to mil, it made her feel cherished and cared for. Who’s cherishing and caring for her now? Nobody - and at the time she most needs it.'

This!

This is one of the many threads that make me so grateful for my lack of a dil.

Personally I think it’s ridiculous to rely
on your husband for transport and the most of basic of stuff. You’ll be up the shit creek when they die, and they usually do die before you statistically. God knows what my mother and mother in law will do. They’ve never made the effort to drive and no I won’t be suddenly taking on the chauffeur role when their husbands die.

At 18 months in I wouldn’t expect it to be anything else. And it’s not ‘because someone else died’. Her husband died and that’s nothing to do with emotional maturity, it’s purely about the grief for the loss of the man she loved, the life she had, and the effort she now has to make to build another one.

Jesus wept !!

Don't be so mean @Janiie . They have provided support, but as OP says the support they have given doesn't necessarily seem to help her MIL. If she refuses to speak to them for 24 hours is that actually making it worse for MIL.

OK, you win the thread for the most unfeeling and inane post. It’s not about whether the deceased partner drove them around. I drove all my life and when my husband died, it took me six months to get back on the road. It’s not about having been reliant on them to get about, it’s about the impact of the loss on your ability to do anything in a world which now no longer contains the most important person in your life.

Then maybe ask her what support she needs and offer her that? Ask her what would help her, it’s not hard.

Jesus the train thing! My 82 year old aunt just flew to Australia solo to visit my cousin and her family! 2 hours on a train is manageable.

But it’s not your own experience of losing a life partner is it ? So not the same thing at all. After losing your life partner it’s not the ability to drive that makes you vulnerable, it’s trying to make sense of the world without your partner by your side. It’s about navigating a world which seems much harsher without the love and support of that one special person.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy My Dad, my aunt, and two uncles.. all widows, none of them behave like this and some of them it’s been less than 18 months. Very similar situations and the only difference between them and her are their individual personalities. It’s not just grief!

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy

Yes and we are all entitled to our grief and no one has the monopoly ON grief, but no it’s still not acceptable to drain the soul out of everyone around you for extended periods of time or drag others down with you. There are people who will gladly accept your help and support and there are others who will happily suck the living soul out of you forever more. There HAS to be a line here.

Yes yes and my 80 yr old aunt just flew to Canada. However my 40yr old pal struggles with a 10 minutes bus trip.
People. Are. Different.

This. 💯 this.

Everyone is different, and grief is different for everyone. Unless you’ve experienced it for yourself you won’t fully understand. You can be empathetic but until it happens to you, you have no idea how it will affect you.

It is not about ‘unburdening’ - that’s actually quite insulting to both bereaved people and to grief counsellors.

I don't think I agree. In my experience one of the reasons grief can be complicated is when there are things the bereaved has been carrying alone and can't talk about with family and friends. An affair that they kept secret: the fact that they felt ambivalent about the deceased partner and carry that as guilt. You can imagine the kind of thing. I have encountered people who have carried this on their own and being able to share with someone who won't judge comes as a relief. Their experience appeared to be one of unburdening — or at least sharing the load.

A good point. But since MIL lives three hours away, how much time does she spend with the OP ? And 18 months into the incredibly harsh journey of grieving for a life partner is not ‘forever more’.

@Lovelysausagedogscrumpy

Cop out. How do you know the grief people have experienced on this board? It’s not a get out of jail free card. Even in the midst of grief you can be a reasonable person. It is not an excuse for over indulgent behaviour that goes on and on and on.

It’s still early days for her, 18 months isn’t that long ago. I’d suggest that your DH goes to her and stays a night or two in March to keep her company. At least he can leave whenever he wants. Don’t just abandon her.

Yes @Janiie! People are different!

Some people take responsibility for their own mental well-being. Other people expect other people to pick up the pieces.

The OP's husband has his own grief. He has no space to grieve here. He has a wife and a family and they are trying to move forward while also supporting MIL in dealing with her grief. But they cannot do it for her.

Honestly, what do people expect them to do? For him to take days off work to drive his mother? For them to accept every rudeness and ignoring and taking over the tv for hours? What about their children? What about their own happiness and lives? Or should everyone and everything be subsumed under the weight of the MIL's grief forever?

Vile post. The OP and her family have supported MIL for 18 months. DH has been doing 6-hour round trips for all that time. They have now had her to stay for a week, which is an incredibly long time to have a visitor when you have small children. MIL has been sulky and ungrateful. They are allowed to have boundaries.

She is being unreasonable expecting her son to collect her and drive her home if she lives a 3 hour drive away. Luckily your dh took a stand so she will have to get used to the idea of getting a 2 hour train. So much more sensible! She sounds very entitled & sorry but grief is no excuse. Her son is also grieving and she made the choice not to learn to drive. That had lots of advantages over the years I’m sure.
I would put March back to April ( Easter perhaps?) when the weather is getting a bit warmer and with a little luck you will be able to spend some time outside with her sitting in the garden or going for a short walk. Slightly less painful than seeing her sat in a chair watching TV all day wallowing in self pity.

This is so well said.

I read once that after a bereavement "It's hard to get back to life if you don't have a life to get back to."

People who become dependent at young ages and don't make a life for themselves while they ARE partnered are going to be in very bad shape when they lose their partner, to death, divorce, or whatever. As this thread shows, there is a limit to what others can and will put up with. We all are responsible for managing our own lives and emotions.

Not to mention -- 64 is young! She could have 30 years to go; has she no vision for how to spend them? I wonder what her financial circumstances are.

'Some people take responsibility for their own mental well-being. Other people expect other people to pick up the pieces.'

Very noble but some people are simply unable to 'take responsibility for their own wellbeing' at certain stages such as bereavement, that is where the understanding and patience of supposed loved ones comes in you see.

And one of the many threads that makes me glad I don't have one of these insane mothers in law

Clearly being driven is symbolic to mil, it made her feel cherished and cared for. Who’s cherishing and caring for her now? Nobody - and at the time she most needs it.

Nobody? She’s been cherished and cared for by being driven by her DS ( making a 6 hour round trip to save her 2 hours on the train) for the last 18 months!