Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

I feel for you OP. Grief is dreadful but it is a part of life, a sad part but inevitable. And eventually the bereaved person has to make the decision that life goes on, or not. It’s up to them, no one can fix it. You sound supportive but not willing to see your immediate family upset, I completely understand. I also hope women reading this thread who don’t drive, or who let their husbands do all the driving on motorways etc take note. Women tend to outlive their husbands, many of us will eventually have to cope alone. That’s life.

I feel sorry for you, your husband and kids! We went through something similar, but with my fil. Yes of course we should be patient, while they grieve. But they shouldn't make arrangements to visit, then be rude/ignore family. You have children to consider. I would cancel the visit in march. Perhaps more regular video calls, 10 minutes every other day to say hello. Husband can stay with her for a couple of days, if he wants too. In the end I had to withdraw from my fil. He was too angry and had sudden outbursts of shouting. It upset the children, so my husband calls him and visits. He says he is just the same 6 years later.

@Stunningscreamer Some people are naturally more anxious. I think finding ways to help her manage the train journey would be good. But I would not just dismiss her anxiety as if it is not real.

@ShouldBeWorking23 Life does not go on for everyone. A lot of people die within 12 months of their partner dying.

Somebody else dying, regardless of how they died, and thinking of another family / wife grieve and go through the same motions she went through is obviously going to be a trigger!!! How is that "making everything about" her DH?

Have you tried communicating any of this to MIL? A quiet word away from DP, asking why she’s ignoring him and telling her how she’s making him feel, gently reminding her that her son has lost his dad and has feelings too?

I'd contact her GP surgery and explain the situation and ask if they can call her in for a post 60 wellness check. And then suggest Cruse or whatever. MIL might react more positively to a Doctor or Nurse Practitioner

No it probably won’t cheer her up, but would give her the chance to unburden about the circumstances of her husband’s death to a neutral person, rather than unburdening to her son who is finding increasingly upsetting.

I think MILs response is moulded by the way she has probably lived her life.

MIL and mother worked, both knew their way round London though not living there. MIL was a joiner of societies: book club, play reading, ramblers, luncheon club although she never drove. Mother travelled overseas more, drove a car, loved clothes and was a party girl

Neither have ever had an issue catching a train without their husband's. Both did the supermarket shopping alone. MIL went to Aus and NZ alone after FIL died. Mother has been on breaks to the Continent with "the girls" between 60 and 80.

I think OP's MIL's issues probably started years before her husband died. I also think it's rather sad for a woman who is my generation. The generation that had equal rights and for whom the world was their oyster. So many of my friends backpacked through Thailand, Bali, India, The Antipodes 40 years ago. They could all catch a train - some came home on the trans siberian railway.

The OP's MIL sounds wedded to the way of life that even Mother and MIL were breaking free from. It's a tragedy.

My MIL and my own father have recently died. Fortunately both my DMum and FIL have been determined to be ok. They are both devastated, but not wanting to be a burden (not that they are).

I don’t care how sad she is, she’s rude. She needs to share the travel burden. Honestly, you sound kind and reasonable. She sounds too much for most people

I'm very lucky with my FIL, he's had bereavement twice and looked after his wife and his partner beautifully when they were very ill- he never mentions them apart from dropping them into regular conservations as i 'oh me and xxx really enjoyed xxx etc'

He is 83 and yet drives a 6 hour return around every 6 weeks- he prefers seeing us as he likes where we live and not particularly where he lives and it's far more lively where we are.

His attitude is life goes on and he doesn't want to be miserable in the time he has left. We enjoy having him for regular stays

Thing is OP, whilst everyone grieves differently she will be actually pushing away those remaining that she wants to be close to. Personally i think it's pretty selfish behaviour. Not the grieving- for some people that never goes away but the rudeness and transience around the extended family who are going out their way to try and help

She sounds like a nightmare. Grief is hard but she’s a grown up and it’s up to her how she deals with it. I would be let her get on with it in the way she’s chosen, some people are just determined to be miserable.

So someone to talk to because no one else wants to hear her? That is not counselling. And I would be pretty sad if I had to pay someone to just listen to me because no one else would.

There is an enormous difference losing family where you still have a husband and a future you can see. The MIL will feel like she has no future

I think that's a very reasonable point, as was the one a PP made about the bereaved often coping better when they've previously had some sort of independent life

However none of it means there can't be a future if the wish is there, even remembering all the difficulties about reaching out when someone's not used to doing that with "outsiders".
As said, MIL is making choices which she's absolutely entitled to do. What she's not entitled to is to put the entire thing onto OP/DH, which from experience is something this can very easily turn into

@RosesAndHellebores I am in my fifties and know no one who backpacked through Europe when young. That is what middle class people did in their gap year. Ordinary people were working full time from 16 years old.

My MiL lost her husband when she was 80. She lives a 3 hr train ride away. She never once considered either of her dcs should go and collect her for a visit . She was still getting the train at 84.

I do recognise that 'wrenching every conversation around to the one sole topic' though. I have two relatives who do that, though the topic is themselves rather than a specific situation.

I think your MiL doing this wrt her unhappiness it is really unhealthy because she is depri v ing herself of the small pleasures that she surely need s as part of her healing

I agree with you. The OP's MIL is only a couple of years older than me and I find it very sad how small and limited she has made her life.

Just because one person is fine getting the train does not mean someone else is not allowed to be anxious.

If I say my 14 year old is confident going on a 4 hour train journey, does that mean your 14 year old is not allowed to be anxious or need support to do it?

Grief counselling isn’t intended to give the bereaved person a chance to unburden. And it certainly isn’t intended to ‘cheer them up’ !! It’s therapy, and intended to work through, face, and come to terms with the circumstances surrounding the loss of the loved one, and to understand the grieving process. If the bereaved person isn’t ready to engage fully with counselling it won’t help at all. You have to be ready to face the issues surrounding the death of the loved one and that can be painful. If she’s not ready she won’t gain anything from it. It has to be to her own timescale, it’s not about whether others are just trying to find an alternative to dealing with the grief themselves.

My MIL still acts like this and it’s been TWENTY years. I think it has become a defining personality trait rather than depression. Every sentence starts or ends I can’t because I’m on my own. My H still drives a four hour round trip to pick her up. It’s completely draining and I have definitely lost sympathy now.

This is nonsense. Grief changes you and it’s got sod all to do with, as you put it being ‘wedded to a way of life’. When you lose your life partner, you lose whatever way of life you had. The things you could do before you lost your partner, suddenly become impossible and it is a known fact that agoraphobia can form a part of the grieving process. When I lost my husband I couldn’t step outside my front door for 12 months without having a panic attack. At 18 months I was only just peeking out into the world and taking my first steps in a life which had become much harsher without the love and support of my husband. MIL has lost her life partner, and her whole way of life. She now has to find the courage to find a new life and that takes time. I’m hoping that a grief counsellor will come across this thread and put things in terms that I don’t have the words for. Until this happens to you, you don’t know how you’d react, and unless it has happened to you, you have no business commenting from guesswork.

Google bereavement counselling and you will probably find a free bereavement counselling service in your area. Being able to talk freely with a trained stranger you can tell anything, over and over if you need to, knowing that it is confidential and you won't be judged is, for many people, valuable.

Do not do this. Massively intrusive and as the op and her dh seems to struggle with the silences and understandable mood/wellbeing issues suffice to say their relationship isn't close enough where this would be remotely appropriate.

Patience and empathy is all that is required. She will access counselling in her own time.

@OutForBreakfast FIL and step went to work at 15. It didn't stop them broadening their horizons. MIL broadened hers by going to teacher training college aged 18 - first in family in 1954! She had to catch the train there and then to the new City where she got her first job. Working class girl. I rather thought ordinary people were supposed to be more resilient and self starting than the pampered middle classes. Perhaps not.

Thank you. The quote was in reply to my post. I lost my husband several years ago and the single best piece of advice I had was from a wonderful grief counsellor who said that at 6 months in, I wasn’t ready to engage and face some very painful issues, and that until I was, I wouldn’t benefit from the counselling. It is not about ‘unburdening’ - that’s actually quite insulting to both bereaved people and to grief counsellors. It’s about engaging with a skilled counsellor who can guide you through painful issues and help you face and understand the grieving process, and it can be instrumental in providing the tools to help you get on with life - notice I don’t say ‘get over it’ because you simply don’t ‘get over’ the loss of your life partner. You learn coping mechanisms and you learn how to deal with a grey world after your loss, until one day the sun comes out again. Doesn’t mean you’re ‘over it’, it just means you’ve accepted the loss and have found the strength to look at the rest of your life. And counselling absolutely will not help unless you are ready to face some potentially painful issues with courage and honesty, and work through them.