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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum called social services

76 replies

shas19 · 28/01/2023 11:43

I've just got back in contact with my mum after 3 years of no contact. We have been speaking for just over a year. Back story is she tried to make me chose between her and my partner, we have 3 kids together. It all got very messy and a lot of arguments had and she didn't see my children for all that time. Some of the things she's said about me are shocking. Laughing about me having cervical cancer, calling me names, a bad parent, alcoholic (I only drinking on occasions or the odd time I go out) so don't know where that came from, partners a drug dealer (he works in trade). I've seen messages that she's sent saying that she's called social services back in 2019 and even wanted to go for guardianship of my son. Now, 3 days ago I got a call from them about a report that was logged from over 2 years ago but because of covid they're backed up and now want to investigate. I can never trust her again. The relationship is already frayed and this is basically the straw that broke the camels back. I can never trust her around my kids again. She obviously did it out of spite years back but the repercussions are happening now. I've told her about the call and she's pretending she knows nothing about it. If I cut ties this time it will be for good but once I do I will also lose the rest of my family and be made out to be the one in the wrong

OP posts:
Roundabout78 · 28/01/2023 11:45

She sounds awful. You owe her nothing, OP. Say good bye and don’t look back.

Hoppinggreen · 28/01/2023 11:46

Why did you get back in contact with her?
Dd you hope she had changed?
Plus I find it hard to believe it’s taken SS 2 years to follow this up if it was a genuine complaint

Bonheurdupasse · 28/01/2023 11:46

Do it.
But just before send a message to the entire family explaining your point of view.
Never mind that they are likely to take her side. After explaining your side, tell them that if they keep contact with her they will always walk on eggshells as they'll never know when she might do something similar to them.

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:27

@hoppinggreen I just had another baby and felt so alone as none of my family were around really and just missed her I guess. And same, she said on the phone about it possibly being a malicious report so wasn't priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:28

@Roundabout78 thank you! I feel like such an idiot and have wasted my time trying again, she will throw in my face that I'm a bad mum from keeping her from the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:29

Bonheurdupasse · 28/01/2023 11:46

Do it.
But just before send a message to the entire family explaining your point of view.
Never mind that they are likely to take her side. After explaining your side, tell them that if they keep contact with her they will always walk on eggshells as they'll never know when she might do something similar to them.

She will denying it till she's blue in the face, my nan cantvsee oast her nose where my mum is concerned. It's quite sad. This is a good idea though! @Bonheurdupasse

OP posts:
Zombiemama84 · 28/01/2023 12:29

I wouldn’t be having someone like that around me or my kids! She sounds toxic as hell….or jealous. She’s evil, what if social services believed her and took your kids? To laugh when you had cervical cancer? Get rid for good you all deserve better

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:31

She has a strange obsession with my son, my first child. I had him at 18 and she always tried to take over. I believe she sees him as her child and I hate it. She once sent a letter about contact with the kids and ny son was mentioned 33 times and my daughter 3 hut she will swear blind there's no favouritism

OP posts:
Zombiemama84 · 28/01/2023 12:31

a small percentage actually think you’re being unreasonable? I think it’s your mum stalking you no one else in their right mind would think what she’s doing is ok

ZiggZagg · 28/01/2023 12:31

It must be a recent call. I'm a social worker and worked right through Covid, there has been delays (I'm talking maybe weeks) but in no local authority is there a 2 year backlog!

Soontobe60 · 28/01/2023 12:32

shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:27

@hoppinggreen I just had another baby and felt so alone as none of my family were around really and just missed her I guess. And same, she said on the phone about it possibly being a malicious report so wasn't priority.

I’m shocked that someone purportedly from Social Services has said this. Even if the did think it was a malicious report, protocol would still deem it necessary for them to follow it up.

AllOfThemWitches · 28/01/2023 12:32

Wow, social services are shit.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 28/01/2023 12:33

Hmmm I’m not sure if trust that call OP social services worked through COVID and would be highly u likely to take 2 years to follow up on a referral

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 28/01/2023 12:33

Soontobe60 · 28/01/2023 12:32

I’m shocked that someone purportedly from Social Services has said this. Even if the did think it was a malicious report, protocol would still deem it necessary for them to follow it up.

Show quote history

It has a red flag to me. SS wouldn’t be that inefficient

Soontobe60 · 28/01/2023 12:34

AllOfThemWitches · 28/01/2023 12:32

Wow, social services are shit.

Or the OP is getting mixed up?

DangerNoodles · 28/01/2023 12:35

Was the call definately from social services? It seems very strange that they would leave it 2 years to investigate if they thought it was worth investigating. Either it's a sick prank or SS have fucked up.

lemmein · 28/01/2023 12:36

I've worked at social services - there's no way they've decided to suddenly follow-up a 2 year report without new information. All local authorities have timescales in their policies, something isn't right here.

xJoyPeaceHealthx · 28/01/2023 12:37

I know what you mean, my mother sees my dd1 as the proper version of me. If she turned out more confident and successful though it's because she had me genuinely supporting her, not manipulating her to do what I thought best through the technique of shaming. I've wised up to my mother and she shames me blames me smears me and makes digs about me to my dd. I feel like the pancake she threw away. I've been replaced by my dd who is lovely but my mother doesn't see that I am her mother. I raised this ''better version'' of me.

xJoyPeaceHealthx · 28/01/2023 12:38

I mean, I know what you mean that your mother considers herself your eldest's mother. I feel that too.

Bpdqueen · 28/01/2023 12:56

Your story makes no sense. If ss where concerned about your children's safety it wouldn't take them 2 years to check

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:57

Lady that called was from the mash team childrens welfare services. Ice agreed agreed a visit as nothing to hide here but some of the things she's mentioned only my mum would know about

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 28/01/2023 12:58

Hoppinggreen · 28/01/2023 11:46

Why did you get back in contact with her?
Dd you hope she had changed?
Plus I find it hard to believe it’s taken SS 2 years to follow this up if it was a genuine complaint

Yeah this doesn’t sound right to me.

dapsnotplimsolls · 28/01/2023 12:58

Explain to your relatives why you're going to cut ties so they hear from your first. Then cut all contact with her.

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:59

@lemlemmein this is what I said to her. I do think it's something new because 2 years is mental. I myself had a social worker when second dd was born as I suffered from postpartum psychosis and I ended up in hospital. Case was closed and all was saod and done never heard from them again after. The lady that called yday had all that information aswell

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2023 12:59

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 28/01/2023 12:33

Hmmm I’m not sure if trust that call OP social services worked through COVID and would be highly u likely to take 2 years to follow up on a referral

Do you have the number or the name of the person who phoned you. You should check this was a real call. What did they say would happen next? A visit?

Your mother sounds like a very difficult person to be around and sounds like renewing contact with her is not doing you any good at all - so why continue?

When you say she laughed at you having cervical cancer - that's horrible, but was she indicating she didn't believe you? Did anyone help you whilst you were having treatment?

Could she really persuade your entire extended family to abandon you? Maybe you should speak to the most sympathetic ones and let them know what is going on and ask if they hear something bad about you - to ask you themselves.

It sounds like you should focus on the people in your life who do treat you well and try to build up those friendships and spend less time with people who undermine you and are horrible to you.