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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum called social services

76 replies

shas19 · 28/01/2023 11:43

I've just got back in contact with my mum after 3 years of no contact. We have been speaking for just over a year. Back story is she tried to make me chose between her and my partner, we have 3 kids together. It all got very messy and a lot of arguments had and she didn't see my children for all that time. Some of the things she's said about me are shocking. Laughing about me having cervical cancer, calling me names, a bad parent, alcoholic (I only drinking on occasions or the odd time I go out) so don't know where that came from, partners a drug dealer (he works in trade). I've seen messages that she's sent saying that she's called social services back in 2019 and even wanted to go for guardianship of my son. Now, 3 days ago I got a call from them about a report that was logged from over 2 years ago but because of covid they're backed up and now want to investigate. I can never trust her again. The relationship is already frayed and this is basically the straw that broke the camels back. I can never trust her around my kids again. She obviously did it out of spite years back but the repercussions are happening now. I've told her about the call and she's pretending she knows nothing about it. If I cut ties this time it will be for good but once I do I will also lose the rest of my family and be made out to be the one in the wrong

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2023 13:00

Sorry crossed posts.

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 13:00

@DangerNoodles honestly I hoped it was a Prank because if the kids were actually in danger etc that would be awful! It's definitely legit though.

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 13:05

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2023 12:59

Do you have the number or the name of the person who phoned you. You should check this was a real call. What did they say would happen next? A visit?

Your mother sounds like a very difficult person to be around and sounds like renewing contact with her is not doing you any good at all - so why continue?

When you say she laughed at you having cervical cancer - that's horrible, but was she indicating she didn't believe you? Did anyone help you whilst you were having treatment?

Could she really persuade your entire extended family to abandon you? Maybe you should speak to the most sympathetic ones and let them know what is going on and ask if they hear something bad about you - to ask you themselves.

It sounds like you should focus on the people in your life who do treat you well and try to build up those friendships and spend less time with people who undermine you and are horrible to you.

Show quote history

Yes I called the direct line afterwards to make sure and all was correct. Have the lady's name also. She said she would be in contact shortly about a visit which is fine by me. No she believed it, it was bought up in conversation somebody asking of I got cancer from an sti to which she found highly amusing. Yes my partner and a few good friends were all here for me.. As I'm going Iver stuff all over again I'm getting so angry that I've let her back in. I was thinking to message my aunty, she knows what my mum is like and just tell her exactly whats been going on as she will put my mam straight. My nan will completely wash hands with me I think. @DuckbilledSplatterPuff

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 13:07

@xJoyPeaceHealthx I hate it. In all the messages I've seen it's 'my boy' he's not your boy ffs! She always makes a big song and dance about how she was there when he was born and first to hold him as I had a very traumatic birth. I feel deep down she knows she was a shit mum to me so thinks she can make up by being one ro him but it doesn't work that way

OP posts:
lemmein · 28/01/2023 13:35

shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:59

@lemlemmein this is what I said to her. I do think it's something new because 2 years is mental. I myself had a social worker when second dd was born as I suffered from postpartum psychosis and I ended up in hospital. Case was closed and all was saod and done never heard from them again after. The lady that called yday had all that information aswell

Bizarre. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I had a very fractious relationship with my mum when my kids were little but she sounds like an angel compared to yours Confused

How long ago did social services close your case after their last involvement?

SpinningFloppa · 28/01/2023 13:36

As I said on your other thread why did she want you to choose between your partner and her? Is she claiming he is abusive? What was the call about to ss what claims did she make? As ss wouldn’t take 2 years to follow up on a referral so that isn’t right.

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 13:44

SpinningFloppa · 28/01/2023 13:36

As I said on your other thread why did she want you to choose between your partner and her? Is she claiming he is abusive? What was the call about to ss what claims did she make? As ss wouldn’t take 2 years to follow up on a referral so that isn’t right.

It is right. I've called the direct line and spoke with them. Should be having a visit next week. She's said he's all sorts. The call was about how the kids were living, my parenting and mental stability and mental abuse as id stopped them seeing her. We were living at his mums at the time of the report when it was made but now don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 13:47

lemmein · 28/01/2023 13:35

Bizarre. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I had a very fractious relationship with my mum when my kids were little but she sounds like an angel compared to yours Confused

How long ago did social services close your case after their last involvement?

Show quote history

Literally a few weeks whilst they were investigating and closed it! It was just while I was getting the correct help I needed at the time. There was never any kind of child protection order or anything of the sort. I've never had any other involvement from them and makes my blood boil that there are real children being abused and this is where resources are being wasted.

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 28/01/2023 13:49

You have to go completely no contact. She sounds very damaging. If you loose over family by doing that then it’s their loss.

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 13:50

Reinventinganna · 28/01/2023 13:49

You have to go completely no contact. She sounds very damaging. If you loose over family by doing that then it’s their loss.

Yes I agree. I'm just waiting on all the rubbish she spews to everyone about why I've done it @Reinventinganna

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2023 13:54

Sorry to hear what you are going through OP, but glad to hear you have a supportive partner and friends and have had your treatment.
It's upsetting for you. There are probably other people on this thread who work in social services and could advise you.
I wouldn't focus so much on your Mum calling your DS her boy. He sounds a bit older (teen?) and less likely to be influenced by her calling him that, although it is annoying you to read it, it doesn't make it so, just because she says so, try not to let this wind you up, you are the person he will think of as Mum.
You need to keep calm and not let your Mum's actions wind you up. You don't find her a helpful or supportive person, so remember that you are an adult with your own family. What she thinks really doesn't matter. Try to not keep her negative comments running through your head or when they do, have a list of the good things you do and think of those to drown out those negative comments.
Remind yourself- of the main things you need to focus on in your life. Keep them at the forefront. Make some plans of some good things you could do which will raise your spirits.
Can you find a counsellor in real life to chat to?
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your auntie and she is aware of how your mum treats you, so it doesn't sound like she will abandon you.
Wishing you all the best

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 13:59

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2023 13:54

Sorry to hear what you are going through OP, but glad to hear you have a supportive partner and friends and have had your treatment.
It's upsetting for you. There are probably other people on this thread who work in social services and could advise you.
I wouldn't focus so much on your Mum calling your DS her boy. He sounds a bit older (teen?) and less likely to be influenced by her calling him that, although it is annoying you to read it, it doesn't make it so, just because she says so, try not to let this wind you up, you are the person he will think of as Mum.
You need to keep calm and not let your Mum's actions wind you up. You don't find her a helpful or supportive person, so remember that you are an adult with your own family. What she thinks really doesn't matter. Try to not keep her negative comments running through your head or when they do, have a list of the good things you do and think of those to drown out those negative comments.
Remind yourself- of the main things you need to focus on in your life. Keep them at the forefront. Make some plans of some good things you could do which will raise your spirits.
Can you find a counsellor in real life to chat to?
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your auntie and she is aware of how your mum treats you, so it doesn't sound like she will abandon you.
Wishing you all the best

He's 8! Thank you for your kind words. Alot of people on this thread have said how they wouldn't be investigating this late but they really are. I can't believe it. Once I have a meeting with them I can find out more. Councillor is a good idea, I will look into it @DuckbilledSplatterPuff

OP posts:
Ihavedogs · 28/01/2023 14:24

I am not saying you are incorrect in your thoughts that it was your mother who contacted social services. However to throw in a different perspective, you cannot be 100% certain that it was her. Whilst she may only be aware of certain things, she could have easily passed on information to someone else.

It is very easy to scapegoat someone who you have a difficult relationship with, and it is entirely up to you if you want to end your relationship with her, but at least do it on facts and not an assumption that she contacted social services with concerns or lies.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff has offered a lot of sensible advice, so I won’t repeat other than to say that it’s not unusual for grandparents to call a grandchild or even for wider family to use terms such as ‘my boy’, ‘our boy’ etc, it is frequently used as a term of endearment rather than have any other meaning. So don’t get hung up on that.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 28/01/2023 14:27

i work as an advocate and some people have been waiting three years for a social worker. It is an absolute scandal. yep

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 14:30

Ihavedogs · 28/01/2023 14:24

I am not saying you are incorrect in your thoughts that it was your mother who contacted social services. However to throw in a different perspective, you cannot be 100% certain that it was her. Whilst she may only be aware of certain things, she could have easily passed on information to someone else.

It is very easy to scapegoat someone who you have a difficult relationship with, and it is entirely up to you if you want to end your relationship with her, but at least do it on facts and not an assumption that she contacted social services with concerns or lies.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff has offered a lot of sensible advice, so I won’t repeat other than to say that it’s not unusual for grandparents to call a grandchild or even for wider family to use terms such as ‘my boy’, ‘our boy’ etc, it is frequently used as a term of endearment rather than have any other meaning. So don’t get hung up on that.

@Ihavedogs no I agree, but I have proof it was her. Unfortunately she fell out with a friend who showed them to me. I sish I didn't have the proof as then I would never be 100%.

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 14:31

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 28/01/2023 14:27

i work as an advocate and some people have been waiting three years for a social worker. It is an absolute scandal. yep

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes thank you! I was gobsmacked when she said when the report was made!

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 28/01/2023 14:38

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Definitely go NC with your mam. X

Hellybelly84 · 28/01/2023 14:40

I would cut ties-she sounds horrible, you cant trust her and as the kids get older, she could try and manipulate them. What does she bring to your life? A Mum is supposed to bring you happiness, someone you can trust and feel safe around. You have your own little family you love so I would concentrate on your kids and your partner. Other people may think its not right to cut ties with your Mum, but they’re probably coming from the point of view of having a loving, caring Mum. If your Mum is not like that, do you really need her in your life?

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 28/01/2023 14:42

shas19 · 28/01/2023 12:27

@hoppinggreen I just had another baby and felt so alone as none of my family were around really and just missed her I guess. And same, she said on the phone about it possibly being a malicious report so wasn't priority.

firstly as others said I find it hard to believe SS waited 2 years but let’s go with it. Given this happened during the break and not after you reconnected I would give the relationship ship another chance. There is a reason why you reconnected and I hope you spoke through the issues that lead to cutting her off and did not just brush it under the carpet.

Obviously that’s the last chance and if this continues now you have reconnected and set boundaries then that’s it, but cutting off contact now is like citing contact for the Sam office you cut contact the first time so why reconnect in the first place.

CPL593H · 28/01/2023 14:46

ZiggZagg · 28/01/2023 12:31

It must be a recent call. I'm a social worker and worked right through Covid, there has been delays (I'm talking maybe weeks) but in no local authority is there a 2 year backlog!

Totally agree.

ijustneedanamefgs · 28/01/2023 14:46

I don’t understand. You knew your mum had made this report but you still made up with her. It’s only now that ss are investigating it that you have decided to cut her out again. So she hasn’t actually don’t anything new from you reconciled? That seems wrong. You reconciled, you have to let it go. Not saying forget but cautiously move past.
Were her concerns genuine? I’m not saying they were right, but if she was genuinely concerned for her grandchildren then maybe she was right to make the report. You wouldn’t be the 1st parent to not see the issues. Different if the report was just malicious though. Is she still concerned or have you worked through it?

Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 14:55

ijustneedanamefgs · 28/01/2023 14:46

I don’t understand. You knew your mum had made this report but you still made up with her. It’s only now that ss are investigating it that you have decided to cut her out again. So she hasn’t actually don’t anything new from you reconciled? That seems wrong. You reconciled, you have to let it go. Not saying forget but cautiously move past.
Were her concerns genuine? I’m not saying they were right, but if she was genuinely concerned for her grandchildren then maybe she was right to make the report. You wouldn’t be the 1st parent to not see the issues. Different if the report was just malicious though. Is she still concerned or have you worked through it?

I didn't know she had made this report before now. In the message she states she will say she's concerned for the way their living as she can't just say I've stopped her seeing them. @ijustneedanamefgs

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 14:57

CPL593H · 28/01/2023 14:46

Totally agree.

Show quote history

Thata fine for you not to agree but as a previous person has mentioned people are waiting that long and in my case that's just that! I cannot belive it and if it was someone else I'd be saying the same thing

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 28/01/2023 14:58

Hellybelly84 · 28/01/2023 14:40

I would cut ties-she sounds horrible, you cant trust her and as the kids get older, she could try and manipulate them. What does she bring to your life? A Mum is supposed to bring you happiness, someone you can trust and feel safe around. You have your own little family you love so I would concentrate on your kids and your partner. Other people may think its not right to cut ties with your Mum, but they’re probably coming from the point of view of having a loving, caring Mum. If your Mum is not like that, do you really need her in your life?

No she's not like that at all. Just with my kids. But now there's no way I can trust her. It's all a mess! @Hellybelly84

OP posts:
antipodeancanary · 28/01/2023 15:00

shas19 · 28/01/2023 14:57

Thata fine for you not to agree but as a previous person has mentioned people are waiting that long and in my case that's just that! I cannot belive it and if it was someone else I'd be saying the same thing

Show quote history

No. There is not a two year waiting list for prospective child abuse cases.

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