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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Referring to sex as "intimacy" is just gross

111 replies

AdamRyan · 27/01/2023 21:39

Noticed it on here a lot, usually from male posters tbh complaining about lack of "intimacy" in their marriage when they mean sex

Then just read an article in another thread where a prostitute says some of her clients "only want intimacy for 15 minutes " then they just want to talk

Its really getting on my wick. Sex and intimacy are not the same thing! Grrrr

Aibu?

OP posts:
Jonad · 28/01/2023 01:54

Doesn’t Sheldon call it coitus?

I call it Business Time, a la Jermaine 😉

afty · 28/01/2023 02:08

Jonad · 28/01/2023 01:54

Doesn’t Sheldon call it coitus?

I call it Business Time, a la Jermaine 😉

Sheldon does indeed refer to it as "coitus"!

JudgeRudy · 28/01/2023 02:20

I agree. Sex can be intimate but not necessarily. Intimacy can be sexy. Sex is a physical act, intimacy is about connection. I feel if someone shares their thoughts and feelings that can be very intimate.

I think when specifically referring to a lack of intimacy within a relationship its about lack of physical contact, both sexual and affectionate....but it generally follows on from a lack of emotional intimacy.

JarByTheDoor · 28/01/2023 02:32

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/01/2023 01:47

I read a book recently that called the protagonist's vagina her "sex".

That made me cringe.

It's a very romance-novel term. I can see the problem. Cunt? Too aggressive. Pussy? Too porny. Gash? Too crude. Fanny? Too primary-school. Minge? Too derogatory. Vagina/vulva? Too clinical. Area? Too euphemistic. Pudendum? Too artistic. Organ? Too masculine. Crotch? Too gross. Genitals? Too medical. Privates? Too prissy. Snatch? Too dismissive. Twat? Too insulting. And if it's a book with a lot of sex in it, you need to avoid repeating yourself too much, too, or it just feels like the sex scenes are cut-and-paste and not worth reading. But once you get into "He put his sex in her sex and they had sex" territory you feel like you're dealing with someone terminally vocabulary-deprived.

dogdaydown · 28/01/2023 02:59

Someone on here recently actually described it as a bit of the other!

I thought I was in the middle of a carry on script.

Riverlee · 28/01/2023 04:48

I agree with @Hawkins002 . It was a polite way of saying it. I think it was widely used on Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer, as they were daytime shows.

JerkintheMerkin · 28/01/2023 06:16

Am surprised anyone hasn't mentioned "sexy time" which just gives me the absolute rage.

JammiDodgers · 28/01/2023 06:18

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2023 21:44

Making love is worse.

Yes 🤢

JammiDodgers · 28/01/2023 06:19

PennyToffee · 27/01/2023 21:46

Doing the deed is even more cringy.

🤣

JammiDodgers · 28/01/2023 06:24

“A bit of how’s your father”… pisses me off as well.

WTF is that all about anyway? I’m not shagging my Dad!!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/01/2023 09:25

Just thought of another he used once- I just wanted a bit of comfort. Bleurrghh.

Grim. He could have got some Persil to go with it and done the week's washing.

OoooohMatron · 28/01/2023 09:34

Bring back Bonking!

PortiasBiscuit · 28/01/2023 09:35

My Uncle used to ask my Aunt if she wanted “ a cup or tea and a carry-on”.

EBearhug · 28/01/2023 09:47

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 27/01/2023 22:41

When someone says they haven't been intimate I don't actually think of sex. I think straight away that there has been less love and affection. So no hugs, or talking or spending time together. Just say sex.

This. The trouble with using euphemisms is they can be ambiguous and lead to confusion about what is actually meant, and to me, terms such as intimacy and cuddling do not actually mean sex. They can be part of sex, but often are entirely separate. You can cuddle a child and be intimate with a friend.

If someone says they're not intimate with their husband any more, my first thought is they don't talk about private things they wouldn't share with others, maybe don't hug any more, things like that, rather than sex. Though I suspect missing those things are probably more of a problem for a relationship than than a lack of sex itself.

Iamclearlyamug · 28/01/2023 09:48

@JarByTheDoor you forgot "clunge" 😅😅😅 too "inbetweeners"

Iamclearlyamug · 28/01/2023 09:48

@JarByTheDoor and "front bottom" 😅😅

CharlotteStreetW1 · 28/01/2023 09:53

katseyes7 · 27/01/2023 22:08

My ex husband used to refer to sex as 'a cuddle'.
That word makes me feel physically sick now.

I've just remembered an acquaintance referring to it as "married cuddles" - to be fair she was taking the piss.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/01/2023 09:54

Bring back Bonking!

And romping! What would Pick Me Up, Love It and the other mags of a 'certain' quality do without that word?!

Original poster
AdamRyan · 28/01/2023 09:54

OoooohMatron · 28/01/2023 09:34

Bring back Bonking!

YES

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/01/2023 09:56

At the other end of the literary spectrum, didn't Shakespeare call it 'making the beast with two backs'? How could anybody resist a hot proposition to do that?!

Original poster
AdamRyan · 28/01/2023 09:57

EBearhug · 28/01/2023 09:47

This. The trouble with using euphemisms is they can be ambiguous and lead to confusion about what is actually meant, and to me, terms such as intimacy and cuddling do not actually mean sex. They can be part of sex, but often are entirely separate. You can cuddle a child and be intimate with a friend.

If someone says they're not intimate with their husband any more, my first thought is they don't talk about private things they wouldn't share with others, maybe don't hug any more, things like that, rather than sex. Though I suspect missing those things are probably more of a problem for a relationship than than a lack of sex itself.

Show quote history

I think this is partly why I'm annoyed- wading through posts about lack of intimacy and then it turns out there's plenty of intimacy but not enough sex because Mr Poster likes it every day and his wife just gave birth and only wants it once a week

Losing the term "intimacy" as a thinly veiled cover for the fact they are a sex pest.

It's given me a negative association I think.

OP posts:
Darthwazette · 28/01/2023 09:59

Clearly I’m a weirdo because I find it a huge turn on when my husband asks me to make love to him.

Intimacy to me is anything but sex. It’s the cuddles, kisses, hand holding, back stroking, etc…

LaMarschallin · 28/01/2023 10:05

PortiasBiscuit

My Uncle used to ask my Aunt if she wanted “ a cup or tea and a carry-on”

How did you find that out? It seems an odd conversation to have with an aunt.

I don't mind the phrase "making love" but I dislike "making love to" or even worse "making love with" - the latter embodies what Marion Keyes describes as a "feathery stroker" to me.

MagpiePi · 28/01/2023 10:05

@JarByTheDoor not forgetting twinkle, tuppence, or foofoo

LaLuz7 · 28/01/2023 10:19

Sex is a form of intimacy, but not all intimacy is sexual.

I see nothing wrong with the phrase "to be intimate" and I will continue to use it as a catchphrase for sexual activity. It's not objectively wrong and it's a much more grownup and elegant way of putting it.

Sorry not sorry