Boyfriend lying about nicotine use (snus)

[A998]

As the title says, my boyfriend (of 8yrs) keep using snus (tobacco free nicotine pouches) and lying to me about it. I've now found snus on a number of occasions in our home and his car throughout the past few years (never been purposely snooping). Each time I bring it up he'll become irritated, deny doing it, accuse me of snooping and when I present irrefutable evidence he will claim that he just wanted to try it, just doing it once, etc. - and then promises he wont do it, or lie to me again. I don't mean to come across as controlling, but he's known from the start that I refuse to be with someone who is addicted to any substance (drugs, alcohol etc.) - I have had a family member suffer from alcoholism and he's has several family members with nicotine and alcohol addiction - so we have both seen the negative implications of additions first hand. I know snus is much better heathwise than smoking (which he uses as justification), but I still do worry about the nicotine being damaging to his health, and I cannot stand the irritability, sneaking etc. that comes along with nicotine addiction. Today I found 2 packages of high strength snus in his bag, when I confronted him about it he denied it - then later admitted to have been using it recently. I then found another package in his jacket and he admitted to have been using 2 a day for the past 2 weeks. With all the lies I don't know what to believe, but I'm guessing he's using more than he admits and probably for longer, since I have found several packages of snus and cigarettes throughout the past couple of years. I tried to suggest nicotine free products to help him quit (since although he denies it it's clear he is addicted at least to a certain degree), but he's saying this doesn't effect me at all and I have no right to ask him to stop - and that the only reason he lies is because I get upset and "overreact" when I find them.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to quit? Do I have a right to feel upset about the lying - should I just get over it and accept his nicotine use? I feel so betrayed and saddened by all of this.

You sound very controlling. 8 years in, if it's a dealbreaker for you, leave!! There's worse things he could be involved in. Good luck finding someone with no vices!

What's wrong with snus, really? If it was a cocainehabit I'd perhaps understand more. As it is though, I think you sound very controlling, sorry to say it. If he was going to quit, he needs to decide himself, not because you said so. It's snus. Lighten up.

Honestly, if it's a dealbreaker for you, then it's a dealbreaker for you.

He's lying because he knows that telling you the truth means giving up all control / your relationship ending / dealing with the conflict. He would rather keep doing it and hide it from you than be honest about it.

If you want to be with him, you have to let him make his own decisions about his vices and his body. His body, his choice.

If you want him to be honest with you, you have to tell him that it's ok for him to be honest, and just agree to disagree on it. Make it clear you don't like it, then leave it alone. No disapproving looks, shame, guilt, nagging.

If you don't want to be with someone who does this, then your option is not to be. It's honestly the only solution. You can't control him, and he's shown that he's not wiling to be open and honest about this issue.

What the hell is snus?

apparently, nicotine on its own isn't that harmful, it's just addictive.

Stop searching his bags and coats man, you sound properly controlling. Leave the dude alone or split up if it's a deal breaker.

I appreciate the feedback + understand the controlling aspect and how I can't make someone stop doing something they want to continue. I'd just like to clarify that I really haven't been searching his things - today for instance I found the snus packages in his bags while borrowing a pen, I absolutely was not looking/expecting to find anything (although I admit I did feel his jacket pocket after finding the stuff in the bag). I understand from the responses that snus wouldn't be a big deal to most people and that if it's a deal breaker for me I should leave.

Problem is I feel like it kind is a deal breaker - but how can I throw away 8yrs of an otherwise (mostly) good relationship - especially when others seem to agree that I am being controlling? Maybe I just need to adjust my expectations, as the responses seem to suggest...

I'm not surprised he gets irritated, what are you? His mother?

Okay, what is it that's the dealbreaker? That he won't stop? The taste? The smell? The fact you think it's addictive?

🤔

Do you seriously not have a vice? Tea, coffee, pop...? Everyone has something.

You either stop commenting on his smoking etc or leave. He is a grown up and can do what he wants.
Of course he hides it from you as you then pull him up about it and try to fix him

I don't think you're being controlling.

You made it clear that you don't want to be with someone with addiction issues.

He's then pretending to agree with you and lying to your face.

He needs to be a big boy and tell the truth that he doesn't want to give up his addiction. That at least allows you to make your own choices rather than basing your decision to stay on his lies.

Another one that has no clue what snus is?!?

Everyone has their vice. Some are worse than others. His isn’t that bad but if it’s your red line then just break up instead of being so controlling.

Snus is a round plastic container and inside is basically what I can describe as minuscule teabags 😅 filled with a tobacco that you put in your mouth (usually between lip and teeth). You get the hit and can be different flavours etc. can be quite strong!

I hate it when people try to justify lying by saying they knew the person wouldn't like the truth.

If he was really a grown up, he'd just tell OP that he doesn't want to give up and deal with the consequences rather than trying to trick her by lying to her.

It can cause cancer, so it's not like it's harmless (the tobacco ones, not sure about non tobacco).

His human. You either love him or you don’t,
I can’t imagine leaving my husband for something so insignificant.

You've posted this before, I recognise the post. You got all the same kind of answers too. What are you hoping to achieve second t8me around.

He's using a nicotine replacement product to stop himself smoking the cigarettes you won't let him smoke. You come across as very controlling, would you feel the same if it was patches or nicotine gum?

Of course I love him, I want our relationship to last - but I also don't know if I'll honestly ever be okay with this. I'm also scared by how freely he lies to me and how easily I believe him, I really don't think he'd lie/is lying about anything else but if he's okay lying to me and knows I'll just get over it/forgive him doesn't that set a bad precedent for the future?

I've never posted about this topic before

Does it affect his moods, the way he acts, treats you etc.

To me being an alcoholic is different to being addicted to something where it only harms the person themselves (like food) just am example

If a smoker smoked out side and no one else was effected by the secondary smoke then sure an addiction but only harming themselves (again just an example)

Maybe if you weren't so controlling he wouldn't need to lie?

I think you need to back off. If you can't live with his habit then you will have to call it a day. He is doing his best to quit smoking and you are still not pleased. You should give him a break.

It's not really love if you can only love him if he does what you want, that's conditional love. If you can't deal with his habit and want to be with a non smoker (or whatever it is) be honest and leave. He shouldn't have to change who he is to please you and vice versa.

If he wanted to give it up he would, he'd do it for himself not for you, it has to be his choice for himself that way he'll give up for good.

All love in healthy relationships is conditional surely though?

Everyone has something they'd leave their partner for, no matter how much they love them.

OP isn't wrong for not wanting to be lied too and then wondering what else he might be lying to her about.