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Original poster

Boyfriend lying about nicotine use (snus)

76 replies

A998 · 27/01/2023 19:04

As the title says, my boyfriend (of 8yrs) keep using snus (tobacco free nicotine pouches) and lying to me about it. I've now found snus on a number of occasions in our home and his car throughout the past few years (never been purposely snooping). Each time I bring it up he'll become irritated, deny doing it, accuse me of snooping and when I present irrefutable evidence he will claim that he just wanted to try it, just doing it once, etc. - and then promises he wont do it, or lie to me again. I don't mean to come across as controlling, but he's known from the start that I refuse to be with someone who is addicted to any substance (drugs, alcohol etc.) - I have had a family member suffer from alcoholism and he's has several family members with nicotine and alcohol addiction - so we have both seen the negative implications of additions first hand. I know snus is much better heathwise than smoking (which he uses as justification), but I still do worry about the nicotine being damaging to his health, and I cannot stand the irritability, sneaking etc. that comes along with nicotine addiction. Today I found 2 packages of high strength snus in his bag, when I confronted him about it he denied it - then later admitted to have been using it recently. I then found another package in his jacket and he admitted to have been using 2 a day for the past 2 weeks. With all the lies I don't know what to believe, but I'm guessing he's using more than he admits and probably for longer, since I have found several packages of snus and cigarettes throughout the past couple of years. I tried to suggest nicotine free products to help him quit (since although he denies it it's clear he is addicted at least to a certain degree), but he's saying this doesn't effect me at all and I have no right to ask him to stop - and that the only reason he lies is because I get upset and "overreact" when I find them.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to quit? Do I have a right to feel upset about the lying - should I just get over it and accept his nicotine use? I feel so betrayed and saddened by all of this.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 27/01/2023 20:29

WandaWonder · 27/01/2023 20:20

Maybe if you weren't so controlling he wouldn't need to lie?

Show quote history

It's not controlling to have boundaries and be upset when your partner pretends to agree with them but actually just lies to your face.

qpmz · 27/01/2023 20:31

Why are you snooping in his bag and jacket? Don't say you have his phone password too? 🤦‍♀️It sounds like there's no trust in the relationship. are you worried about anything else?

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 20:33

WildFlowerBees · 27/01/2023 20:25

It's not really love if you can only love him if he does what you want, that's conditional love. If you can't deal with his habit and want to be with a non smoker (or whatever it is) be honest and leave. He shouldn't have to change who he is to please you and vice versa.

If he wanted to give it up he would, he'd do it for himself not for you, it has to be his choice for himself that way he'll give up for good.

I never said I would stop loving him if he doesn't quit, just that I don't know how to continue the relationship - but I understand your point.

OP posts:
Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 20:38

qpmz · 27/01/2023 20:31

Why are you snooping in his bag and jacket? Don't say you have his phone password too? 🤦‍♀️It sounds like there's no trust in the relationship. are you worried about anything else?

I was borrowing a pen from the bag, not snooping- but yes I did feel his jacket afterward, while we were arguing about it. We don't have each other's phone passwords, but I have never really worried about him cheating, etc. - which I suppose is why I have such a reaction to this because I do trust him so much

OP posts:
Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 20:40

gamerchick · 27/01/2023 19:58

Do you seriously not have a vice? Tea, coffee, pop...? Everyone has something.

Not really, I mean I enjoy tea, coffee, and alcohol in moderation - but I have nothing that I would consider myself addicted to and couldn't be without

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 27/01/2023 20:43

You sound really controlling & I imagine he is lying because he just wants you to stop having a go. Honestly there are far worse vices in life. You need to let him do what he enjoys as it's fairly harmless.

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 20:44

WandaWonder · 27/01/2023 20:19

Does it affect his moods, the way he acts, treats you etc.

To me being an alcoholic is different to being addicted to something where it only harms the person themselves (like food) just am example

If a smoker smoked out side and no one else was effected by the secondary smoke then sure an addiction but only harming themselves (again just an example)

I would say I strongly suspect it affects his moods - especially in that he becomes more irritable, snappy, and overall less pleasant towards me - but of course, I cannot say I have established a concrete link, as I do not know for certain when he is/isn't using it

OP posts:
Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 20:47

Viviennemary · 27/01/2023 20:21

I think you need to back off. If you can't live with his habit then you will have to call it a day. He is doing his best to quit smoking and you are still not pleased. You should give him a break.

As far as I know, he did not start this to quit smoking - at least to my knowledge he has never been more than the occasional smoker

OP posts:
ImprobablePuffin · 27/01/2023 20:51

Maybe I'm hormonal but my first thought is 'are you serious?' It sounds like you watch his every move!

I do not condone lying but it sounds like he just didn't want to tell you because he knew you'd make a big deal out of it.

If this is the worst thing about him then I really don't see the problem, you are not his mother.

But if this is your line in the sand then by all means end it with him, I dare say his life might be less stressful that way.

Out of interest would you be with someone who could t get through the day without say a coffee? Where do you draw your addiction line?

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 21:02

ImprobablePuffin · 27/01/2023 20:51

Maybe I'm hormonal but my first thought is 'are you serious?' It sounds like you watch his every move!

I do not condone lying but it sounds like he just didn't want to tell you because he knew you'd make a big deal out of it.

If this is the worst thing about him then I really don't see the problem, you are not his mother.

But if this is your line in the sand then by all means end it with him, I dare say his life might be less stressful that way.

Out of interest would you be with someone who could t get through the day without say a coffee? Where do you draw your addiction line?

I honestly do not watch his every move and I know that if the tables were reversed, and I was doing something that he was against and lied about it repeatedly to him, he would be incredibly upset with me - and rightly so (in my opinion at least).

I suppose I would draw my "addiction line" when a substance becomes a daily (or very regular) necessity and the person does not function/gets visibly affected negatively without it (and suffers withdrawal symptoms). My boyfriend does regularly consume quite a lot coffee - which I do not have a problem with, but I do not consider him to be addicted - as he is perfectly okay being without it if we happen to be out for instance, and isn't desperate more

OP posts:
Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 21:13

HeckyPeck · 27/01/2023 20:02

I don't think you're being controlling.

You made it clear that you don't want to be with someone with addiction issues.

He's then pretending to agree with you and lying to your face.

He needs to be a big boy and tell the truth that he doesn't want to give up his addiction. That at least allows you to make your own choices rather than basing your decision to stay on his lies.

Thank you for your insight, this is exactly what I am thinking - although it appears you are the only one who does not think I am controlling 😅, which I suppose indicates I need to work on being a bit more relaxed

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 27/01/2023 21:14

I just don't think I can find the exact words to correctly articulate just how unreasonable you are.

People who are banging on about him "lying" maybe need to think what they would do if they were with someone who blows up incredibly insignificant things to monumental proportions. I would say it's borderline abusive.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/01/2023 21:19

I recommend you attend Al-Anon meetings OP.

Don't let your past ruin your future.

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 21:20

IamnotSethRogan · 27/01/2023 21:14

I just don't think I can find the exact words to correctly articulate just how unreasonable you are.

People who are banging on about him "lying" maybe need to think what they would do if they were with someone who blows up incredibly insignificant things to monumental proportions. I would say it's borderline abusive.

While I can see how this post might make me look like I have some control issues - I feel "borderline abusive" is incredibly inaccurate. If your partner knew you didn't like something (discussed very early on in the relationship) said they wouldn't do it, and repeatedly lied and kept doing it behind your back and lying when confronted, wouldn't you feel upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 21:24

ThreeLittleDots · 27/01/2023 21:19

I recommend you attend Al-Anon meetings OP.

Don't let your past ruin your future.

Funny - but does daily usage and nicotine dependency really not constitute addiction to you?

OP posts:
TheMoonHangsOverIdlewild · 27/01/2023 21:25

All members of the nightshade family contain nicotine:
Tobacco, chillies, tomatoes, potatoes also other non nightshade veg.
It's half the reason people find it hard to give up that group of foods.
The only problem with nicotine by itself is with people who already have a fast heart rate/anxiety but that's the same with caffeine.
I assume you don't have caffeine in the house as it's highly addictive and maybe hide the potatoes also.

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 21:32

TheMoonHangsOverIdlewild · 27/01/2023 21:25

All members of the nightshade family contain nicotine:
Tobacco, chillies, tomatoes, potatoes also other non nightshade veg.
It's half the reason people find it hard to give up that group of foods.
The only problem with nicotine by itself is with people who already have a fast heart rate/anxiety but that's the same with caffeine.
I assume you don't have caffeine in the house as it's highly addictive and maybe hide the potatoes also.

According to Google, a tomato has 7.1 µg/gram of nicotine - whereas the snus he uses has 11mg per pouch - am I really that insane for thinking there is a big difference between the two? And yes I know caffeine has addictive properties, I just think that comparing it to nicotine is a bit of a stretch.

OP posts:
Stressedmum2017 · 27/01/2023 21:32

How bizarre that its become a naughty school boy sneaking round his mum scenario. Honestly you sound weird as fuck and controlling. Hes a grown man if he wants to use snus or whatever he is fully allowed, if you don't like it that is your problem, leave.
I grew up surrounded by addiction but would never use that as an excuse to be controlling.

IamnotSethRogan · 27/01/2023 21:32

I might feel upset but I'd have to have a look at myself and see if I was being reasonable or not. He might have thought at the beginning of the relationship that he wouldn't do it. Then for whatever reason he did. I don't think it's ideal that he lied but he maybe he didn't think it was something he could come to you with.

At the end of the day, we all have our red lines in a relationship but you asked if people thought you were unreasonable, and I do. And I can see why someone would lie to someone who considers ending a relationship over something that a lot of people would consider incredibly insignificant. It would be really unpleasant to be made to feel like you're doing something dreadful when you're not and made to feel disproportionate levels of shame.

The real question is are you more annoyed that he lied about it and how would you have reacted if he had to you the truth?

QueSyrahSyrah · 27/01/2023 21:33

For the snus curious.. they're little pouches that you tuck under your lip for 5 minutes. Not ideal because nicotine but better than smoking.

DH smokes and sometimes gets it for long-haul flights to take the edge off a nicotine craving. It's much more common in his home country than here in the UK.

You say you're worried about addiction OP, but is he actually addicted, or just enjoys it like you do occasional alcohol?

Boyfriend lying about nicotine use (snus)
Busybutbored · 27/01/2023 21:35

A998 · 27/01/2023 21:32

According to Google, a tomato has 7.1 µg/gram of nicotine - whereas the snus he uses has 11mg per pouch - am I really that insane for thinking there is a big difference between the two? And yes I know caffeine has addictive properties, I just think that comparing it to nicotine is a bit of a stretch.

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Agree. I don't think you need to hide the potatoes just yet 🙄😆

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 21:48

IamnotSethRogan · 27/01/2023 21:32

I might feel upset but I'd have to have a look at myself and see if I was being reasonable or not. He might have thought at the beginning of the relationship that he wouldn't do it. Then for whatever reason he did. I don't think it's ideal that he lied but he maybe he didn't think it was something he could come to you with.

At the end of the day, we all have our red lines in a relationship but you asked if people thought you were unreasonable, and I do. And I can see why someone would lie to someone who considers ending a relationship over something that a lot of people would consider incredibly insignificant. It would be really unpleasant to be made to feel like you're doing something dreadful when you're not and made to feel disproportionate levels of shame.

The real question is are you more annoyed that he lied about it and how would you have reacted if he had to you the truth?

I suppose that is why I made this post - I wanted to see if he was right in thinking I am being unreasonable (which I can see the vast majority agree I am).

If he had told me about it before I found it, I would be much less upset. If he had come clean once I had found it, I would also be less upset, but instead, he chose to continue lying. Honestly, I am most upset about the lying (especially since I trusted him after having talked about this previously)- but even if he had been honest from the start, I would not have supported his usage of it and would ask him to try to quit. Of course he knew I would want him to stop, which is why he lied, but I think that in a relationship you should be honest with the other person regardless of whether or not you know they will agree with you.

OP posts:
SarahSecret · 27/01/2023 21:58

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 27/01/2023 20:14

You've posted this before, I recognise the post. You got all the same kind of answers too. What are you hoping to achieve second t8me around.

He's using a nicotine replacement product to stop himself smoking the cigarettes you won't let him smoke. You come across as very controlling, would you feel the same if it was patches or nicotine gum?

Partner lying about snus (smoking) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4642805-partner-lying-about-snus-smoking

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 22:01

QueSyrahSyrah · 27/01/2023 21:33

For the snus curious.. they're little pouches that you tuck under your lip for 5 minutes. Not ideal because nicotine but better than smoking.

DH smokes and sometimes gets it for long-haul flights to take the edge off a nicotine craving. It's much more common in his home country than here in the UK.

You say you're worried about addiction OP, but is he actually addicted, or just enjoys it like you do occasional alcohol?

Based on his reaction to me finding out about it (combined with the fact that he lies about it and hides it), as well as his admitted daily usage of it, I feel pretty confident that he has (to some degree) a nicotine addiction. If this was just the occasional usage once in a while, I wouldn't have such an issue with it - but it's the fact that I keep finding products (always containing nicotine) hidden away. We talked about it some more, and he claims that he craves the nicotine aspect of it (and therefore replacement products without nicotine would be "pointless") - I do not see how that can be anything other than addiction - and if he has been using it regularly it's hardly surprising that he's developed a dependency on it. My family member with an alcohol addiction would hide bottles of alcohol around the house and lie about their alcohol usage repeatedly (even when it was completely undeniable) and this is way too similar to that for my liking

OP posts:
Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 22:02

SarahSecret · 27/01/2023 21:58

Show quote history

Just had a quick look - pretty similar issue, but not my post

OP posts:
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