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Original poster

Boyfriend lying about nicotine use (snus)

76 replies

A998 · 27/01/2023 19:04

As the title says, my boyfriend (of 8yrs) keep using snus (tobacco free nicotine pouches) and lying to me about it. I've now found snus on a number of occasions in our home and his car throughout the past few years (never been purposely snooping). Each time I bring it up he'll become irritated, deny doing it, accuse me of snooping and when I present irrefutable evidence he will claim that he just wanted to try it, just doing it once, etc. - and then promises he wont do it, or lie to me again. I don't mean to come across as controlling, but he's known from the start that I refuse to be with someone who is addicted to any substance (drugs, alcohol etc.) - I have had a family member suffer from alcoholism and he's has several family members with nicotine and alcohol addiction - so we have both seen the negative implications of additions first hand. I know snus is much better heathwise than smoking (which he uses as justification), but I still do worry about the nicotine being damaging to his health, and I cannot stand the irritability, sneaking etc. that comes along with nicotine addiction. Today I found 2 packages of high strength snus in his bag, when I confronted him about it he denied it - then later admitted to have been using it recently. I then found another package in his jacket and he admitted to have been using 2 a day for the past 2 weeks. With all the lies I don't know what to believe, but I'm guessing he's using more than he admits and probably for longer, since I have found several packages of snus and cigarettes throughout the past couple of years. I tried to suggest nicotine free products to help him quit (since although he denies it it's clear he is addicted at least to a certain degree), but he's saying this doesn't effect me at all and I have no right to ask him to stop - and that the only reason he lies is because I get upset and "overreact" when I find them.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to quit? Do I have a right to feel upset about the lying - should I just get over it and accept his nicotine use? I feel so betrayed and saddened by all of this.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 27/01/2023 22:04

You've basically infantalised him... he's not allowed to do something, therefore his only action to keep you happy is to lie to you.. then you have a go at him when you find out... (or possibly go down the 'I'm so disappointed in you' route... ever remember your own mother saying that, I can!)

You need to do one of two things:

Leave and find someone perfect (and be flawless yourself, obviously)

Accept that he's an adult and has choices. His choice isn't illegal, isn't affecting your health and you are not responsible for his.

Your behaviour is controlling, parental, and will untimately break up your relationship if you carry on.

ThisGirlNever · 27/01/2023 22:06

Do the poor guy a favour and leave.

Rockingcloggs · 27/01/2023 22:11

Oh Christ, leave the bloke alone.

pawprintseverywhere · 27/01/2023 22:16

I'd need some form of recreational substance to deal with you too....

Dotcheck · 27/01/2023 22:21

I have had a family member suffer from alcoholism and he's has several family members with nicotine and alcohol addiction

Hmmm

I’m not sure alcoholism and addiction to…. nicotine (!!) are at the same level.
You ARE being controlling. It’s been 8 years. Either accept it or end it

WandaWonder · 27/01/2023 22:28

A998 · 27/01/2023 22:01

Based on his reaction to me finding out about it (combined with the fact that he lies about it and hides it), as well as his admitted daily usage of it, I feel pretty confident that he has (to some degree) a nicotine addiction. If this was just the occasional usage once in a while, I wouldn't have such an issue with it - but it's the fact that I keep finding products (always containing nicotine) hidden away. We talked about it some more, and he claims that he craves the nicotine aspect of it (and therefore replacement products without nicotine would be "pointless") - I do not see how that can be anything other than addiction - and if he has been using it regularly it's hardly surprising that he's developed a dependency on it. My family member with an alcohol addiction would hide bottles of alcohol around the house and lie about their alcohol usage repeatedly (even when it was completely undeniable) and this is way too similar to that for my liking

Show quote history

You honestly can't see the difference in alcohol and smoking/nicotine?

ThreeLittleDots · 27/01/2023 22:33

Funny - but does daily usage and nicotine dependency really not constitute addiction to you

I wasn't trying to be funny. My father died of alcoholism and I know I can be particularly sensitive to other people's certain behaviours.

It's not necessarily 100% me or 100% them, usually a bit of both.

Nobody can really tell you here whether his behaviour is healthy or not, or what you should put up with, but Al-Anon can help you to understand and process any fallout from having a family member or friend with alcoholism, and how that can potentially affect your life (fear, trust, feeling betrayed).

Just a suggestion.

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 22:35

Dotcheck · 27/01/2023 22:21

I have had a family member suffer from alcoholism and he's has several family members with nicotine and alcohol addiction

Hmmm

I’m not sure alcoholism and addiction to…. nicotine (!!) are at the same level.
You ARE being controlling. It’s been 8 years. Either accept it or end it

I'm not arguing with you that alcoholism definitely presents a much more immediate danger - that has the potential to greatly harm yourself (and others)- in a way that nicotine doesn't.

But I think addiction to nicotine has the potential to cause some of the same behavioral patterns, etc. that you see with addictions to alcohol (and other drugs), plus (generally) more people are able to use alcohol without developing a dependency - compared to those who use nicotine, simply because it is less addictive.

But yes I understand based on this post that most think I am terribly controlling and that is something I will need to address and work on...

OP posts:
ThisGirlNever · 27/01/2023 22:37

most think I am terribly controlling and that is something I will need to address and work on...

Please address these issues on your own as a single person. The poor guy needs to escape this controlling and abusive relationship.

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 22:41

ThreeLittleDots · 27/01/2023 22:33

Funny - but does daily usage and nicotine dependency really not constitute addiction to you

I wasn't trying to be funny. My father died of alcoholism and I know I can be particularly sensitive to other people's certain behaviours.

It's not necessarily 100% me or 100% them, usually a bit of both.

Nobody can really tell you here whether his behaviour is healthy or not, or what you should put up with, but Al-Anon can help you to understand and process any fallout from having a family member or friend with alcoholism, and how that can potentially affect your life (fear, trust, feeling betrayed).

Just a suggestion.

I apologize I misunderstood your post - I thought you were joking that I had a problem with alcohol dependency since I mentioned in a response that I consumed alcohol occasionally (in order to highlight how delusional I am). My family member with alcoholism passed away as a result of it as well and I admit that might make be making me a bit hypersensitive - when I am seeing behaviors in my boyfriend that seem similar to what I associate with addiction

OP posts:
Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 22:44

ThisGirlNever · 27/01/2023 22:37

most think I am terribly controlling and that is something I will need to address and work on...

Please address these issues on your own as a single person. The poor guy needs to escape this controlling and abusive relationship.

It's fair that you think my behavior on this particular issue is controlling - but to say I am abusive towards him based on one single post doesn't feel fair

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 27/01/2023 22:45

No problem... There's loads of info out there to help you understand how being affected by an alcoholic can really pull the rug out from under you, in lots and lots of ways.

PotatoScollop · 27/01/2023 22:50

I don't know why people put up with shit like this, I really don't.

It's perfectly fine to stipulate you want a partner who has no addictions or substance use. Firstly, I'd hardly put what he's doing up there with addictions and 'substance use'. You might, unreasonably so imo, but whatever. It's really not a big deal and if that's his worst vice then I've no idea what to say to be honest.

He doesn't see it as the big deal you do, so has hid it, because you nag him about it. If you didn't nag him, he wouldn't hide it. I'm not saying this is right by the way, to be perfectly honest if it were me, I'd tell you straight it's not a big deal, to get over it and leave me alone about it, or leave. I really couldn't be bothered with being nagged over something so unconsequential in the grand scheme of things. He clearly values the relationship though, as he clearly wants to keep it, to hide it (with the added benefit of perhaps gaining some peace if he hides it).

If you're not happy with him using it, then end the relationship. But stop trying to force him to submit to your wants. It is extremely controlling.

Interesting how you're fine with caffeine use - I wonder if it's because that 'fits' better. Caffeine is very addictive and can have quite strong consequences on the body.

Some people are determined to not only be unhappy themselves, but make those around them unhappy in the process. I think you'll ruin what sounds like, from your thread anyway, an otherwise good thing.

ThisGirlNever · 27/01/2023 22:53

It seems very much like coercive control. You control him using your moods, guilt, shame, etc. He has to hide his completely normal and reasonable activities because he is scared of your completely OTT reactions, illogical demands, threats to end the relationship, etc. You search his belongings for evidence of any infractions of your arbitrary rules.

If roles were reversed, it would be a unanimous chorus of LTB.

Lndnmummy · 27/01/2023 22:57

missally · 27/01/2023 19:56

Okay, what is it that's the dealbreaker? That he won't stop? The taste? The smell? The fact you think it's addictive?

It is gross. Really. It is dirty and smelly. And yellows your teeth like nothing else. Have you kissed one you wouldn't do it agaib.🤢

catandcoffee · 27/01/2023 22:57

Did he smoke cigarette or use this other stuff when you first met,or did he say he doesn't smoke ?

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 23:00

catandcoffee · 27/01/2023 22:57

Did he smoke cigarette or use this other stuff when you first met,or did he say he doesn't smoke ?

Not to my knowledge no - he said smoking was a dealbreaker for him before I even mentioned it and never used any nicotine products that I was aware of

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 27/01/2023 23:06

A998 · 27/01/2023 23:00

Not to my knowledge no - he said smoking was a dealbreaker for him before I even mentioned it and never used any nicotine products that I was aware of

Show quote history

Well that's completely different then.
Now I understand why you're upset he lied to you .
So if you'd known at the beginning, you'd not have continued with the relationship ?

Original poster
A998 · 27/01/2023 23:13

catandcoffee · 27/01/2023 23:06

Well that's completely different then.
Now I understand why you're upset he lied to you .
So if you'd known at the beginning, you'd not have continued with the relationship ?

Show quote history

We both fell for each other quite quickly, but if I had known before that (first thing before we got to know each other) he would become addicted and not try to quit then no I wouldn't have pursued a relationship. If he is/was willing to try to stop then that is something that I could/can live with and I would do my best to help

OP posts:
Rebel2023 · 27/01/2023 23:27

@Lndnmummy but it's not because it's not smoking...
I have some mint flavoured pouches here, and also vapes
Smells like chewing gum, doesn't yellow teeth as no tar in it, it's nothing like kissing a smoker
If someone kissed me now I would taste/smells sweet because I'm vaping cookie dough

workiskillingme · 27/01/2023 23:59

I only literally found out what it is today when I searched my 16 year old sons pockets and found what looked like dental cotton wool

UmmH · 28/01/2023 08:35

Lndnmummy · 27/01/2023 22:57

It is gross. Really. It is dirty and smelly. And yellows your teeth like nothing else. Have you kissed one you wouldn't do it agaib.🤢

Show quote history

Finally! It also leads to gum abscesses and oral cancer. It's not a harmless habit. It's even banned in the EU.

Lndnmummy · 28/01/2023 08:47

UmmH · 28/01/2023 08:35

Finally! It also leads to gum abscesses and oral cancer. It's not a harmless habit. It's even banned in the EU.

Show quote history

Indeed🤢.

Rebel2023 · 28/01/2023 08:54

@UmmH that's tobacco snus
This is nicotine snus that's tobacco free. So basically like nicotine gum
People are thinking he's shoving tobacco in his mouth, he's not

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2725009//*

daemonologie · 28/01/2023 08:57

You've answered you're own question. It's a dealbreaker for you so leave him. You don't need more evidence, you've got it.

Likelihood is even if he genuinely stopped you would believe he was still hiding it. So he can't win.

You have quite strong views on this sort of thing and come across as overbearing but it's not what you want in a partner. So fair enough to leave.

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