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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend bringing friend to stay

79 replies

crocusfocus · 27/01/2023 09:10

We are currently living abroad in a place where cost of living very high

One of my closest oldest friends is coming to stay for a few days and she is travelling and asked to bring a male friend (platonic) to stay.

Never met him, but the thought is making me feel uncomfortable. I have young kids but also just don't like the thought of someone I dont know in my house.

I know she would be offended if i asked for her to stay alone.
I know it would feel different it was her boyfriend..somehow? Odd I know..

OP posts:
MattDamon · 27/01/2023 09:27

I've had this before. I very calmly said no, it would make me uncomfortable to have a stranger in the house and that was the end of it.

purplecorkheart · 27/01/2023 09:28

Just say no. You are not running a hotel this is your and more importantly your childrens home. Does she expect one of them to give up their room for him. If she takes offence that is her problem

Nevermind31 · 27/01/2023 09:32

I used to have a friend who would do this. Came to visit me, but always brought a friend who fancied traveling to my city (tourist place). In the end I just said no. It was never fun, the friend’s friend always had a list of holiday things they want to do, and instead of a friend visit I had become a hotel. Instead of catching up with friend it was endless hours of friend’s friend discussing their mutual acquaintances…
your friend might be there to visit you, but her friend is there on holiday, and couldn’t care less.

ThreeblackCats · 27/01/2023 09:34

Just call her bluff
“sure thing Lizzi, I have no issues with you bring Jack for the weekend. Will you be paying for him before he gets here or will he be paying when you arrive because he will need to pay cash. It’s €700 for the weekend”
When she queries it, point out that he’s a stranger to you and if he’s using your home as a hotel, you’ll charge top prices!
your friend is a CF

anomaly23 · 27/01/2023 09:36

No, she can book a hotel.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/01/2023 09:38

Just say no. You are absolutely within your rights.

If she has a problem with this she is not a friend.

LolaSmiles · 27/01/2023 09:39

YANBU at all. A friend visiting is very different to a stranger in your home.

If she's a good friend she'd understand.

misskatamari · 27/01/2023 09:42

Yanbu at all. It’s your home and you don’t want a stranger staying. There’s nothing unreasonable about that. If she doesn’t get that, then she’s very lacking in empathy and very unreasonable. Have you given her an answer yet? Has she asked in a “he’s already coming way” or is it in the early stages where she’s asked and is awaiting your answer? Don’t feel you have to agree to this, you don’t and it’s completely reasonable to say no

gogohmm · 27/01/2023 09:42

Are you sure it's platonic? Also have you stayed with her with your dp and/or kids? In other words have you had her hospitality? Makes a difference. If it's all one way then i can see why it's a bit annoying (the fact he is male is a red herring) but if she has had you all to stay it seems rude to not extend the invitation to her travelling companion

MadamYouAreAdam · 27/01/2023 09:49

gogohmm · 27/01/2023 09:42

Are you sure it's platonic? Also have you stayed with her with your dp and/or kids? In other words have you had her hospitality? Makes a difference. If it's all one way then i can see why it's a bit annoying (the fact he is male is a red herring) but if she has had you all to stay it seems rude to not extend the invitation to her travelling companion

Why would the fact he is make be a "Red Herring" ? Are you trying to tell Op that as a woman she can't be worried about an unknown male in her home I don't know what you mean. His sex is relevant as is her concerns.

Glorianna · 27/01/2023 09:50

YANBU, she is using you as a free base for a holiday with him.

Say no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2023 09:50

Say no. If she gets in a huff that’s her problem.

Original poster
crocusfocus · 27/01/2023 09:56

Thanks all.

In answer to PP, no I haven't had her hospitality and it isn't about that - she lives in a small 1 inner city flat.

I haven't answered yet- also would feel better if it was a female friend of her somehow ..I can't help it

OP posts:
Original poster
crocusfocus · 27/01/2023 09:58

misskatamari · 27/01/2023 09:42

Yanbu at all. It’s your home and you don’t want a stranger staying. There’s nothing unreasonable about that. If she doesn’t get that, then she’s very lacking in empathy and very unreasonable. Have you given her an answer yet? Has she asked in a “he’s already coming way” or is it in the early stages where she’s asked and is awaiting your answer? Don’t feel you have to agree to this, you don’t and it’s completely reasonable to say no

Not yet . I feel she probably does lack some empathy when it comes to things like this but perhaps related to the fact she doesnt have children of her own

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 27/01/2023 10:01

ThreeblackCats · 27/01/2023 09:34

Just call her bluff
“sure thing Lizzi, I have no issues with you bring Jack for the weekend. Will you be paying for him before he gets here or will he be paying when you arrive because he will need to pay cash. It’s €700 for the weekend”
When she queries it, point out that he’s a stranger to you and if he’s using your home as a hotel, you’ll charge top prices!
your friend is a CF

@ThreeblackCats Would you honestly do that? Surely the better answers are "Yes, sure" or "No, sorry"

Flatandhappy · 27/01/2023 10:02

I would message her and say “sorry, I am really looking forward to catching up and obviously having an extra person I don’t know here as well totally changes the dynamic so it has to be a no to bringing your friend. To be totally upfront I really don’t want a stranger in my home, I know you will understand”.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/01/2023 10:02

gogohmm · 27/01/2023 09:42

Are you sure it's platonic? Also have you stayed with her with your dp and/or kids? In other words have you had her hospitality? Makes a difference. If it's all one way then i can see why it's a bit annoying (the fact he is male is a red herring) but if she has had you all to stay it seems rude to not extend the invitation to her travelling companion

It certainly is not a "red herring"! Any woman has the right to feel uncomfortable about a man she doesn't know staying in her home.

FictionalCharacter · 27/01/2023 10:11

Flatandhappy · 27/01/2023 10:02

I would message her and say “sorry, I am really looking forward to catching up and obviously having an extra person I don’t know here as well totally changes the dynamic so it has to be a no to bringing your friend. To be totally upfront I really don’t want a stranger in my home, I know you will understand”.

This is a good way of putting it.
This person isn’t a mutual friend, he’s a stranger, and none of us needs to host strangers in our homes. On top of that, if she brings someone else, it’s not her visiting you any more, it’s her having a weekend away with her other friend. Completely different dynamic.

Mulefathethird · 27/01/2023 10:19

Might be a good way of making a new friend or acquaintance. Would be perfectly normal in a lot of cultures (where happiness levels are higher). It's not for a very long stay.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/01/2023 10:53

Could you blame lack of space if you’re worried she’ll be offended? I’m not saying you should have to - you’re perfectly entitled to not want a stranger in your home. It might just be less likely to get her in a huff.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/01/2023 10:54

Mulefathethird · 27/01/2023 10:19

Might be a good way of making a new friend or acquaintance. Would be perfectly normal in a lot of cultures (where happiness levels are higher). It's not for a very long stay.

There has to be an easier way of making friends than inviting strangers to stay 🤔

GerbilsForever24 · 27/01/2023 11:03

Where will this man stay? If she's a friend, I would be inclined to be happy to assume her friends, male or female, are probably okay and I certainly am not in favour of the random "fear of all men" BUT, a platonic male friend would need a separate room surely which is more work and effort for you and generally feels like a bit of an ask.

forrestgreen · 27/01/2023 11:05

'Hi cf, so good to hear from you. The offer to host you still stands of course however we have a rule that we don't host strangers. Let me know what you want to do'

Beautiful3 · 27/01/2023 11:07

I've known someone have a bad experience from allowing a stranger to stay. It ended up being a case for social services. Just don't do it. Your priority are your children's safety, not running a guest house. Just say, no sorry I don't like having strangers staying in my home. That's a valid enough reason.

Bollindger · 27/01/2023 11:08

Dear friend,
While I am glad you want to visit my city, I was happy to have you visit alone, I think since you are holidaying with someone else, it would be better if you both book a hotel, as I would not feel comfortable with hosting a stranger.
Let me know if when you visit you want to meet for a drink as would love to see you. OP.