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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend bringing friend to stay

79 replies

crocusfocus · 27/01/2023 09:10

We are currently living abroad in a place where cost of living very high

One of my closest oldest friends is coming to stay for a few days and she is travelling and asked to bring a male friend (platonic) to stay.

Never met him, but the thought is making me feel uncomfortable. I have young kids but also just don't like the thought of someone I dont know in my house.

I know she would be offended if i asked for her to stay alone.
I know it would feel different it was her boyfriend..somehow? Odd I know..

OP posts:
GoodChat · 27/01/2023 11:11

I wouldn't want an unknown man in my house with my young children either OP. YANBU.

AnotherSpare · 27/01/2023 11:12

You can just say no, you don't need to justify yourself.
If she is travelling specifically to see you then she should be happy enough to alter plans to stay with you alone.
The way you've worded your opening post, it sounds like she is travelling with this friend anyway, but you are conveniently somewhere along the way? In which case be prepared the not hosting the friend means she also won't stay.
If it were me I would say "Hi friend, I'm sorry we cannot host two of you, there's only room for you. I'm really looking forward to seeing you though. You're welcome to stay by yourself, or if you opt to stay elsewhere with other friend then let's arrange to meet for the day/night/weekend to catch up."

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/01/2023 11:14

People's responses are very odd. If the OP's friend was sleeping with this man, then it seems that's acceptable, but because he's "just" a friend, it's not.

I feel for your friend. She wants to bring her friend on holiday with her to have some companionship on the journey and while she's there, but because she's not sleeping with him, she can't bring him.

Kitkatcatflap · 27/01/2023 11:19

I have had this - I welcomed the 'shy' friend. It was so disappointing, as I was looking forward to a gossipy catch with someone I had known for years - the friend had other ideas She had a full itinerary planned and clearly saw my home as a base. I asked my friend if she could skip a couple of the outings (she had seen them with me) so we could spend some time together minus her friend/my DH and kids, her response - my friend is shy and I can't leave her by herself. The friend barely joined in with dinner conversation even when we asked questions and tried to include her. It was so awkward.

Perhaps say to her she is welcome to stay then say so you need me to look for nearby air b n b's for your friend. Perhaps offer for him to join you all for dinners/lunches etc.

ittakes2 · 27/01/2023 11:29

This would also make me unhappy - you likely want to spend quality time with your friend who thinks its OK to ask you to have a stranger in your house so he can have a cheap holiday presumably? Whose friendship really has her loyalty?

musingsinmidlife · 27/01/2023 11:36

That wouldn't bother me in the least. We have had many people stay whom we didn't know until they were here (new partners, kids, friends of friends, family member of friend etc). They aren't really strangers as they are affiliated with someone I know and trust to have in my home. However I don't mind hosting and like to get to know new people.

I would wonder how good of a friend she is if she doesn't know this would bother you. I certainly know which friends would be okay with that kind of request and which hate hosting or meeting new people. I would use your friendship - "Yyou know me, I am just not good at having people in my home. I know you well so am happy to have you here but unfortunately I just wouldn't be confortable with you brigign anyone else. Can I give you hotel recommendations that would be close by so we can see each other often?"

Original poster
crocusfocus · 27/01/2023 11:42

Really interesting thanks everyone!

I think part of the reason I am tying myself up in knots is that I am second generation immigrant from a culture where the door was open to friends of friends growing up .
It goes against the grain.

The two of them would be in a twin room - and my son would move out..

That said , this person isnt from that culture..

Ok , am definitely overthinking this :-)) !

OP posts:
Original poster
crocusfocus · 27/01/2023 11:49

@musingsinmidlife yes I agree.

Before kids I was an invite you all round , share a tent kind of person. Loved hosting etc

Now I think I am more uptight in general - our friendship has been since we were teens so predates kids and she knows the laid back me.

I think some of the PP suggestions here would potentially end a friendship. She is a very relaxed, care free person- she would think I was very uptight.

I understand when PP say if she was a close friend she would know how you react, but she doesnt have kids and our friendship continues as I see her without my family and we have fun together

OP posts:
SafferUpNorth · 27/01/2023 11:49

Just to get the facts straight - sounds like she's wanting to visit you as part of a bigger trip with this friend, rather than coming just to your place?

Mmmmmm, everyone will have their own feeelings about a scenario like this. but personally, I'd not be happy to put up this friend you don't know. Firstly, it'll change the dynamic of her visit. Secondly, I wouldn't with small kids in the house. Thirdly, I don't have two spare rooms (which is what would be required if he's a platonic friend) ... don't fancy the idea of a stranger on my sofa.

Surely if they are not a couple, they need not be joined at the hip for their trip and he can stay nearby?

I would just simply message her and say:

"Hello friend, I am really looking forward to your visit. However, we are not able to accommodate your friend. It would be lovely to have you stay at ours with him in a nearby hotel/B&B (I can recommend XYZ) and he is welcome to join us for dinner - it would be nice to meet him."

If they were a couple, I would say it's different because it's lovely to meeti a good friend's new partner. And you only have to make one bed 😜

musingsinmidlife · 27/01/2023 11:52

SafferUpNorth · 27/01/2023 11:49

Just to get the facts straight - sounds like she's wanting to visit you as part of a bigger trip with this friend, rather than coming just to your place?

Mmmmmm, everyone will have their own feeelings about a scenario like this. but personally, I'd not be happy to put up this friend you don't know. Firstly, it'll change the dynamic of her visit. Secondly, I wouldn't with small kids in the house. Thirdly, I don't have two spare rooms (which is what would be required if he's a platonic friend) ... don't fancy the idea of a stranger on my sofa.

Surely if they are not a couple, they need not be joined at the hip for their trip and he can stay nearby?

I would just simply message her and say:

"Hello friend, I am really looking forward to your visit. However, we are not able to accommodate your friend. It would be lovely to have you stay at ours with him in a nearby hotel/B&B (I can recommend XYZ) and he is welcome to join us for dinner - it would be nice to meet him."

If they were a couple, I would say it's different because it's lovely to meeti a good friend's new partner. And you only have to make one bed 😜

That is very odd to split up two people travelling together. They can both stay at a hotel - don't invite one without the other.

I have travelled a ton and would find it extremely weird if my travel partner ditched me and went to stay with a friend while on our trip. I would also never ditch a travel partner alone in a city to go off and stay and vacation mid trip with a friend. Unless that was prearranged before the trip and we planned around it.

Maves · 27/01/2023 11:54

Day no...you have kids she shouldn't have asked. This bloke could be anyone abd she obviously hasn't known him long if you don't know him,.....

2bazookas · 27/01/2023 12:15

Just reply "Sorry, we can't accommodate your friend but I can recommend this hotel (link)."

I always recommended a hotel several miles away.

If there's one thing more annoying that friends bringing freeloader strangers to stay ("Oops forgot to mention, he's vegan and allergic to dogs"), it's having them use your home to meet up for coffee or drinks .

Carlycat · 27/01/2023 12:22

She's a CF. It's a big NO from me

Charlize43 · 27/01/2023 12:25

Just imagine that she has told you that the relationship is 'platonic' but in fact this male friend is there to provide her with sexual favours and you should see him as her 'emotional support animal.'

It's a different way of looking at it.

musingsinmidlife · 27/01/2023 12:26

Charlize43 · 27/01/2023 12:25

Just imagine that she has told you that the relationship is 'platonic' but in fact this male friend is there to provide her with sexual favours and you should see him as her 'emotional support animal.'

It's a different way of looking at it.

?? What is wrong with you?

StoppinBy · 27/01/2023 12:43

My sister had been with her partner only a few months when she asked if they could stay, she was visiting from interstate and I had never met him.

I offered them a tent with bedding and camp toilet in the backyard as I wasn't ok with having him in my house, with my kids overnight.

Now, years later, I would let him stay but not when he was a stranger.

My sister was pretty annoyed, offended and upset but I wasn't letting her feelings override my instinct to keep my kids safe.

Cherrysoup · 27/01/2023 12:50

I think it's very cf to ask to bring someone else to your house.

liverpoolgal82 · 27/01/2023 12:52

Maybe you could say “ahhh I understand if your plans have changed and you’re now travelling with a friend, no problem, so maybe we can re arrange a visit/catch up next time you’re over and I hope you have a lovely few days travelling with your friend. Can’t wait to get a new date in and catch up with you”.

Original poster
crocusfocus · 27/01/2023 13:01

@StoppinBy wow!!!

I am not sure I would have the guts to do that. But fair enough!

OP posts:
SafferUpNorth · 27/01/2023 13:05

musingsinmidlife · 27/01/2023 11:52

That is very odd to split up two people travelling together. They can both stay at a hotel - don't invite one without the other.

I have travelled a ton and would find it extremely weird if my travel partner ditched me and went to stay with a friend while on our trip. I would also never ditch a travel partner alone in a city to go off and stay and vacation mid trip with a friend. Unless that was prearranged before the trip and we planned around it.

Show quote history

OP's friend can then decide for herself whether she splits off to stay with OP, or whether she joins her travel companion in a hotel. That's not for OP to second guess / decide. It's certainly not a reason to feel obliged to accommodate a stranger.

GoodChat · 27/01/2023 13:06

Charlize43 · 27/01/2023 12:25

Just imagine that she has told you that the relationship is 'platonic' but in fact this male friend is there to provide her with sexual favours and you should see him as her 'emotional support animal.'

It's a different way of looking at it.

That's a really disturbing way of looking at it and, if anything, reinforces OP's viewpoint.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/01/2023 13:06

That would be a hotel and meet ups for me.

PotatoFacedWombat · 27/01/2023 13:08

"Sorry, we have a no strangers rule when it comes to overnight visitors. Hope you can still make it though!"

viques · 27/01/2023 13:09

“Really looking forward to seeing you and catching up. I am sorry, but xxxx staying as well does not work for us. I can let him have the addresses of local hotels and B and B if he still wants to visit.”

Nocutenamesleft · 27/01/2023 13:12

crocusfocus · 27/01/2023 09:10

We are currently living abroad in a place where cost of living very high

One of my closest oldest friends is coming to stay for a few days and she is travelling and asked to bring a male friend (platonic) to stay.

Never met him, but the thought is making me feel uncomfortable. I have young kids but also just don't like the thought of someone I dont know in my house.

I know she would be offended if i asked for her to stay alone.
I know it would feel different it was her boyfriend..somehow? Odd I know..

that is absolutely fine!!! You’re well within your rights to not have a stranger in your house

tell her no