Single man hosting young female Ukrainian refugee

Jumpingovertherainbow · 2023-01-26T23:21:48+00:00

Would appreciate your thoughts/impressions here! Is it normal or worrying for a single man aged 41 to be applying to host a Ukrainian female refugee aged 23, who he met on a Facebook group (yes I am aware there are other more reputable organisations organising hosting)? For context this is my ex and we co-parent (have been doing fairly well with a few wobbles, until now). DC is against this (and will have to give up room at his home for the duration however long that will be). I have just found out that he has started the process. He says it makes him feel happy to be helping. Cannot host a man due to safeguarding concerns with our DC. Cannot host a mum and child as would impose too many lifestyle restrictions has tried). Worried to give more details as this could already be outing and not sure how this will impact us or how I should react. Maybe some of you have experience or known people in similar scenarios. AIBU to think that this is something to be concerned about, as opposed to congratulating him on his generosity? I just don't know if I should rely on my gut feelings and/or if past emotions are making me see things in a more biased way and I want to start from a more neutral starting point if possible. Thanks!

CaffeineMama · 26/01/2023 23:30

I think it depends on the person? If your ex is a predator then his wanting to host this young, vulnerable woman is a concern. If he's not a danger and he isn't likely to manipulate or take advantage of her then his hosting as an older man isn't necessarily a concern.

If I were you, I'd be more concerned that the Co parent was willing to give over their DCs room to a stranger. He's happy to be helping this stranger, and also happy to be giving up his DCs space in his home? That's the bit that wouldn't sit well with me, as well as the obvious fact that he's inviting a stranger into the home your DC will be spending part of their time in. A young woman could still be a safeguarding concern, how are they going to screen her to make sure your DC is indeed sage in her presence?

NewBootsAndRanty · 26/01/2023 23:30

If he'd have to make your child give up their room (which is completely unreasonable) he wouldn't qualify to host under the homes for ukraine scheme, surely? I thought there were checks to make sure there is enough space etc.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/01/2023 23:31

If he wants to help, he should give up his own bedroom, not his dcs!

And of course it is uncomfortable that he is choosing such a young woman. What a horrible choice for her to have to make.

FledglingFountainPen · 26/01/2023 23:37

I've sponsored a 21 year old Ukrainian girl from a big city. I've found she was very "young" - she hadn't lived by herself or travelled without family before. She'd not cooked or shopped for herself much. This may not be the case for everyone, but it was for us.

I'd be very wary of any single man hoping to host a single woman. It naturally sets up a power imbalance, no matter how good their intentions are. If I were you I'd raise my concerns with the local council - a quick Google should find the relevant team looking after their Ukrainian immigrants. Do not assume this would be picked up by their usual checks - no-one came to visit us until 2 months AFTER our guest started living with us.

S0upertrooper · 27/01/2023 00:07

How many bedrooms are there, what ages/sex are your DC and how often do they visit ex?

My home was inspected prior to the Ukrainian family arriving, not all are, it depends on the council support team but I imagine given the age and sex of your ex, he would be inspected.

Like a previous poster said, contact the local council and ask to speak to either SS or the Refugee Support Team.

bluebell34567 · 27/01/2023 00:43

the situation is like a open book and very uncomfortable.
i cant believe your ex's excuses.

ConcordeOoter · 27/01/2023 01:41

He shouldn't be kicking DC out of a room to run a doss house for the poor unfortunate 23 year old women of the world, charity begins at home.

Also running a flophouse for random unknown adults so you can feel like a hero? This is not imo a thing you can indulge yourself in when you have DC you are responsible for. I know others will not agree, but I know two people who were abused in that kind of situation - whilst on an access visit where they had also started being kicked out of their room - something I've always seen as the red flag, because it showed the parent had their priorities all wrong.

That's the stuff to be wary about, the rest (possibly hoping to shag) is mostly up to him and his prospective tenant, and may not be true. But I would be easing back on the access

Tiredmamma8 · 27/01/2023 01:54

Always old men who want to play the heros. Who do they think cares?

Whitefly · 27/01/2023 01:58

He shouldn't be kicking DC out of a room to run a doss house for the poor unfortunate 23 year old women of the world, charity begins at home.
This

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 02:05

I think it depends on the person? If your ex is a predator then his wanting to host this young, vulnerable woman is a concern. If he's not a danger and he isn't likely to manipulate or take advantage of her then his hosting as an older man isn't necessarily a concern.

It;s a concern to his son, who doesn't want it to happen, or to have to give up his bedroom.
Depending on how old the son is, he might be aware that dad's thinking with his dick, & his dick's more important than his son.
If I were OP I'd be pretty damn concerned about the impact on my son.

And of course it's fucking predatory.
He, a 41 year old geezer, went on facebook & picked a 23 year old to install in his own home.
He didn;t go to an agency, & accept whoever was most in need.
He went where he could look at pics, decide who was attractive, & install a nice young vulnerable woman into his son's bedroom.
All while coming up with bullshit about how he couldn;t possibly house a male, or a mother with kids.

He's so transparent he's ridiculous.

donttellmehesalive · 27/01/2023 02:06

I think some of these comments are harsh. I have two single female friends who are hosting Ukranian refugees and they have nothing but good intentions. They'd be upset if they thought people were accusing them of 'being heroes no one cares' or described their homes as doss houses.

He is hosting a single female because he doesn't want children in his home, and can't host a single male as would have safeguarding concerns around his own children. My female friends are certainly not salivating at the thought of hosting younger men so I don't think it's right to assume that he has anything other than good intentions.

But you know him better than us op. Is he a predator with hero delusions? Or does he genuinely want to help, even if you think he's misguided?

The odd thing is that he's happy to give up dc's bedroom. How old are they and how often do they sleep at his house? If they're 17 and never want to stay, I think it's different than if they are younger and stay every week.

DulcetTones · 27/01/2023 02:10

He shouldn't be doing this if he doesn't have the room and his child is unhappy at the prospect. Tbh, I'd feel very suspicious about the purity of his motives, too, but my first concern would be his lack of regard for his own child's sense of security in his home.

Even if his motives are innocent, he's not being much of a parent. More interested in feeling like the good guy than taking care of his most basic responsibilities for his own child. (Though I do think it may depend on the child's age, somewhat...)

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 02:12

donttellmehesalive · 27/01/2023 02:06

I think some of these comments are harsh. I have two single female friends who are hosting Ukranian refugees and they have nothing but good intentions. They'd be upset if they thought people were accusing them of 'being heroes no one cares' or described their homes as doss houses.

He is hosting a single female because he doesn't want children in his home, and can't host a single male as would have safeguarding concerns around his own children. My female friends are certainly not salivating at the thought of hosting younger men so I don't think it's right to assume that he has anything other than good intentions.

But you know him better than us op. Is he a predator with hero delusions? Or does he genuinely want to help, even if you think he's misguided?

The odd thing is that he's happy to give up dc's bedroom. How old are they and how often do they sleep at his house? If they're 17 and never want to stay, I think it's different than if they are younger and stay every week.

ANY random new adult in a child's home is a safeguarding concern.
Do you genuinely believe that only males pose a threat?

I think some of these comments are harsh.
I think you are naive.
Did your kind friends go on facebook to choose a young man each, having been able to browse through pics like people are livestock?
I doubt it. I rather imagine, being kind AND sensible, that they went through proper channels, & complied with all safeguarding & inspection protocols.

Jonnywishbone · 27/01/2023 03:50

His child said no and shouldn't have to give up their room. It's totally unreasonable.

The other factors also give a bad impression.

kirinm · 27/01/2023 08:09

Northcote Road in Clapham is known as nappy valley for a reason. There are a few clothes shops there.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/01/2023 08:16

Tiredmamma8 · 27/01/2023 01:54

Always old men who want to play the heros. Who do they think cares?

Men play the heroes all the time, thank goodness. Obviously women do too, but more men occupy first responder “hero” roles in the emergency services and make up the bulk if the armed forces. Good for him trying to help.

FrancescaContini · 27/01/2023 08:17

Yes. It’s very worrying.

Naunet · 27/01/2023 08:35

Ugh, why would they even house a young lone, vulnerable woman with an older single man? Are there no safeguarding risks there?!

Naunet · 27/01/2023 08:41

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/01/2023 08:16

Men play the heroes all the time, thank goodness. Obviously women do too, but more men occupy first responder “hero” roles in the emergency services and make up the bulk if the armed forces. Good for him trying to help.

Show quote history

Yeah, good for him to trying to help, but very specifically only young lone women who he has seen a picture of first, what a hero. And if you want to talk about how more men work in those jobs, should we also talk about how men are responsible for 98% of sex crimes and are the more violent sex? Or should we ignore that risk factor?

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 27/01/2023 08:44

I thought that there were barriers in place in the system that prevented this exact scenario. It's well known that single men might try to exploit young female refugees and I have heard in various hosting groups I'm in that this isn't allowed.

He can host a middle aged woman.

Iwonder08 · 27/01/2023 08:46

There is no way I would let my child to go to a house with a stranger. You know nothing about this 23 yo. His motives are irrelevant, 23 yo is old enough to understand all the potential implications. It is quite clear your ex won't prioritise your child 's wellbeing given he kicked him out of his own room.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/01/2023 08:47

What is the safeguarding risk to his DC from hosting a single male? I know what I think it would be, but what is he saying the risk is? If it’s because he thinks adult males are more risky than adult females then surely that kinds of suggests a reason he shouldn’t be hosting a female refugee.

Yes I would be extremely concerned about any young woman arranging to travel across countries to live with an unknown male she linked with via Facebook!! Sounds like trafficking to me?! In reality the checks done in most local authorities are minimal and cover more practical issues such as space. So what safeguards are in place for this young woman??

not to mention the shittiness of deciding to host despite it impacting on your ability to have your child at your home.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/01/2023 08:49

I believe most organisation who are experienced in linking refugees with hosts wouod not match a young female with a line male. That’s good enough for me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/01/2023 08:50

He should definitely give up his own room rather than his child’s if he wants to help.

Also, he may not be able to host a man (safeguarding concerns aside, most cannot leave) or a parent and dc, but he could host an older woman. That’s what I’d do. If he’s genuinely serious about helping someone, which tbh it doesn’t sound like he is.

A female relative of mine as a Ukrainian guest of a similar age to this young woman staying with her. Your ex does realise he’ll have to actually do things to help his guest settle in and that she may well have a a lot of trauma? It’s not a flipping dating agency, it’s a serious undertaking.

I wanted to host someone, but aside from our only possible room (currently where I work) being a bit small, I was advised it wouldn’t good for ND DC. And as the war is still ongoing with no end in sight, your ex will have to consider the longevity of any matches.

I also thought the govt had banned matching single women from Ukraine with single male hosts?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/01/2023 08:53

When I was helping my relative with this process, you get loads of would be traffickers contacting you - “oh my girlfriend just needs the sponsor, she won’t actually stay with you, she’s got somewhere to stay with me” etc.

Really terrifying.

Our govt has been rubbish at putting safeguards in place, but what do we expect reading about what happened to those poor asylum seeking children?