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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single man hosting young female Ukrainian refugee

100 replies

Jumpingovertherainbow · 26/01/2023 23:21

Would appreciate your thoughts/impressions here! Is it normal or worrying for a single man aged 41 to be applying to host a Ukrainian female refugee aged 23, who he met on a Facebook group (yes I am aware there are other more reputable organisations organising hosting)? For context this is my ex and we co-parent (have been doing fairly well with a few wobbles, until now). DC is against this (and will have to give up room at his home for the duration however long that will be). I have just found out that he has started the process. He says it makes him feel happy to be helping. Cannot host a man due to safeguarding concerns with our DC. Cannot host a mum and child as would impose too many lifestyle restrictions has tried). Worried to give more details as this could already be outing and not sure how this will impact us or how I should react. Maybe some of you have experience or known people in similar scenarios. AIBU to think that this is something to be concerned about, as opposed to congratulating him on his generosity? I just don't know if I should rely on my gut feelings and/or if past emotions are making me see things in a more biased way and I want to start from a more neutral starting point if possible. Thanks!

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/01/2023 08:53

Op in your shoes I’d contact the LA in writing and specify your concerns.

peaceandpotato · 27/01/2023 08:55

Are you worried about her or him?

SaturdayGiraffe · 27/01/2023 08:58

Surely there are middle aged women also in need of a room…?

TreadLight · 27/01/2023 09:05

You do realise this woman is a fully grown adult able to make her own decisions. These comments are very patronising.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/01/2023 09:14

TreadLight · 27/01/2023 09:05

You do realise this woman is a fully grown adult able to make her own decisions. These comments are very patronising.

The woman is a young woman, fleeing a war zone alone, going to another country where she presumably has very little networks, presumably with very little money, possible little English.

it’s ripe for trafficking and abuse. NGOs, experienced refugee organisations have all highlighted this risk.

it’s not patronising it’s recognising a legitimate risk to young vulnerable women.

skippymcflippy · 27/01/2023 09:15

It's not acceptable to make DC give up his room so that a stranger can stay there. Ex should not be hosting as he does not have a spare room - and that would apply whatever the age and sex of the refugee.

Dutchesss · 27/01/2023 09:21

I'm stunned at the amount of naivety on here. Of course there will be a power imbalance and the woman will have limited options but to accept what she is given and be grateful.
No decent parent would give up their child's room in this situation. That's the worst part of it all.

Naunet · 27/01/2023 09:23

Dutchesss · 27/01/2023 09:21

I'm stunned at the amount of naivety on here. Of course there will be a power imbalance and the woman will have limited options but to accept what she is given and be grateful.
No decent parent would give up their child's room in this situation. That's the worst part of it all.

Some people would always rather ignore the obvious risk to women in order to #BeKind to men.

Nosecan · 27/01/2023 09:25

This is fucked up. If he want to help so much why can’t he host an elderly person instead? He’s clearly hoping for more.

Cactusprick · 27/01/2023 09:26

Ugh. Pervert. He doesn’t have the room, but is willing to kick his own child out of their room to make room. He doesn’t need to do this, he wants to do this.

I wouldn’t be letting DC go round there any longer if they no longer have a room. I’d be furious OP.

TreadLight · 27/01/2023 09:29

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/01/2023 09:14

The woman is a young woman, fleeing a war zone alone, going to another country where she presumably has very little networks, presumably with very little money, possible little English.

it’s ripe for trafficking and abuse. NGOs, experienced refugee organisations have all highlighted this risk.

it’s not patronising it’s recognising a legitimate risk to young vulnerable women.

Show quote history

A 23 year old single Ukrainian should be staying in Ukraine to support the defence of the country, in a military or civilian capacity. She had made the choice not to do this, and as an adult I am confident she understands the choice she had made.

Tescoland · 27/01/2023 09:32

Has your ex been known to be “charitable” generally? Did he previously want to house Syrian refugees? No?
But suddenly he has grown a big heart in his chest. Ooooookaaaayyy….

Jimboscott0115 · 27/01/2023 09:34

The only issue is have here is about the bedroom situation. The rest of it in itself wouldn't concern me so long as this person wasn't to be left alone with the child.

The rest of it... Essentially is assuming that all men are predators, or might be. Given he's your ex, if he's that way inclined then I'd have concerns about him generally and about his ability to care for a child.

TreadLight · 27/01/2023 09:40

Jimboscott0115 · 27/01/2023 09:34

The only issue is have here is about the bedroom situation. The rest of it in itself wouldn't concern me so long as this person wasn't to be left alone with the child.

The rest of it... Essentially is assuming that all men are predators, or might be. Given he's your ex, if he's that way inclined then I'd have concerns about him generally and about his ability to care for a child.

The op hasn't returned to clarify, but what she wrote was

"and will have to give up room at his home for the duration".

I read that as giving up a games room or snug, I am sure that if it was his bedroom the op would have been much clearer on this.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 27/01/2023 09:49

A 23 year old single Ukrainian should be staying in Ukraine to support the defence of the country, in a military or civilian capacity. She had made the choice not to do this, and as an adult I am confident she understands the choice she had made.

///

What do you mean by this? It sounds a little like you're saying any awful consequences that should happen to this young woman are acceptable as she has "made the choice "

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 27/01/2023 09:52

Jimboscott0115 · 27/01/2023 09:34

The only issue is have here is about the bedroom situation. The rest of it in itself wouldn't concern me so long as this person wasn't to be left alone with the child.

The rest of it... Essentially is assuming that all men are predators, or might be. Given he's your ex, if he's that way inclined then I'd have concerns about him generally and about his ability to care for a child.

As has been pointed out this man deliberately avoided established organisations who will match based on safeguarding and other checks. Instead he has gone through Facebook to find I pretty young girl.

I wonder how many of us would be comfortable with our daughters doing this with a strange man looking to find an unofficial way to live with her. It doesn't inspire me that his intentions are entirely pure especially as he's willing to leave his own child without a room.

Naunet · 27/01/2023 09:53

Jimboscott0115 · 27/01/2023 09:34

The only issue is have here is about the bedroom situation. The rest of it in itself wouldn't concern me so long as this person wasn't to be left alone with the child.

The rest of it... Essentially is assuming that all men are predators, or might be. Given he's your ex, if he's that way inclined then I'd have concerns about him generally and about his ability to care for a child.

It’s called safeguarding. Being kind to men so as not to hurt their feelings isn’t more important than protecting women from potential exploitation, harassment or worse. I wonder why you think it is?

saraclara · 27/01/2023 09:55

TreadLight · 27/01/2023 09:05

You do realise this woman is a fully grown adult able to make her own decisions. These comments are very patronising.

Would you be happy with your own 23 year old daughter heading to a country that's unknown to her, to live with a 42 year old man that she's only 'met' on the Internet?

Naunet · 27/01/2023 09:56

saraclara · 27/01/2023 09:55

Would you be happy with your own 23 year old daughter heading to a country that's unknown to her, to live with a 42 year old man that she's only 'met' on the Internet?

Show quote history

Who picked her out when browsing pictures of young women on Facebook…

JamSandle · 27/01/2023 09:57

I'd always assume a man had alterier motives especially with a big age gap.

TreadLight · 27/01/2023 10:01

saraclara · 27/01/2023 09:55

Would you be happy with your own 23 year old daughter heading to a country that's unknown to her, to live with a 42 year old man that she's only 'met' on the Internet?

Show quote history

No, I would be insanely disappointed that my daughter didn't have the backbone to stay and support her compatriots.

saraclara · 27/01/2023 10:01

I believe that the council has to make checks if he's doing this through the normal channels. So I'd be tempted to contact them with your concerns.

Be careful with your tone though, so you don't sound like a vindictive ex trying to get him into trouble. Keep to the facts.

Comedycook · 27/01/2023 10:03

It would make me very suspicious. Why doesn't he want to host an elderly woman? It's like those threads where a woman says she's worried her husband is suddenly friends with a younger woman from his office. Funny how these men only want to be friends with or help young attractive women isn't it?

AuntieMaggie · 27/01/2023 10:10

So much suspicion here! Maybe he didn't choose the age of the woman it just happened that it was a young woman that needed somewhere at the time. There aren't a lot of single men to host to be honest anyway as most of them are still in the Ukraine so given he hasn't got room for children on its own it wouldn't cause me to be concerned.

But giving up your son's room isn't fair.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 10:13

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 27/01/2023 08:16

Men play the heroes all the time, thank goodness. Obviously women do too, but more men occupy first responder “hero” roles in the emergency services and make up the bulk if the armed forces. Good for him trying to help.

Show quote history

Men create wars all the time, thank badness. Obviously the occasional woman does too, but if only men could stop fighting, we wouldn't need to sacrifice so many of them to the armed forces.
The cilvilians of the countries these heroes bomb would like that too. Some of whom are women & children, would you believe ..?

You believe OP's Ex is trying to help?
How?
By upsetting his child, & putting his wish to house a 23 year old female refugee over his child's sense of security & comfort?
By "choosing" a young woman who he only accepted after vetting her pic on facebook?
By making excuses why he can't house a mature woman with children, or a man?

You are either exceptionally naive or on a wind-up.