Single man hosting young female Ukrainian refugee

[Jumpingovertherainbow]

Would appreciate your thoughts/impressions here! Is it normal or worrying for a single man aged 41 to be applying to host a Ukrainian female refugee aged 23, who he met on a Facebook group (yes I am aware there are other more reputable organisations organising hosting)? For context this is my ex and we co-parent (have been doing fairly well with a few wobbles, until now). DC is against this (and will have to give up room at his home for the duration however long that will be). I have just found out that he has started the process. He says it makes him feel happy to be helping. Cannot host a man due to safeguarding concerns with our DC. Cannot host a mum and child as would impose too many lifestyle restrictions has tried). Worried to give more details as this could already be outing and not sure how this will impact us or how I should react. Maybe some of you have experience or known people in similar scenarios. AIBU to think that this is something to be concerned about, as opposed to congratulating him on his generosity? I just don't know if I should rely on my gut feelings and/or if past emotions are making me see things in a more biased way and I want to start from a more neutral starting point if possible. Thanks!

Me.

I'll set the predatory fucker straight.
Give me 24 hours, & my shellaylee.

He'll be crying for mercy & working in a soup kitchen for homeless old men before midnight.

He’s not helping as he’s giving up his child’s room for someone else. Could he volunteer to help in another way, for example sorting donations, hot meals, driving to appointments etc

I've looked on Facebook & the groups don't appear to be linked to any government agency or charity just private arrangements only.
And every young woman has comments to avoid all single men who wish to host them as every group has had a lot of would be 'hosts' that are to be avoided - single men pretending to be a family, etc.
The balance of power is very much in the hands of the hosts.

You do realise that fully grown women are subject to trafficking, war trauma, predatory men, modern slavery & domestic abuse, right?

You sound like a victim-blamer in waiting.
"What did she expect, getting her country bombed, deliberately escaping to a safer country, & living with one of our men?"

Oh fuck off & tell it to Russia.

Essentially is assuming that all men are predators
OP posted about one man, stop with the NAMALT already.

It's assuming that a man who has browsed fucking facebook for pics of personable young women & has decided to attempt to install one in his young son's bedroom, against his son's objections, is a predator.

DC is against this

How much more clarity do you need?

How much experience of living in a war zone do you actually have?

About as much as the non-existent backbone of your non-existent disappointing daughter?

There aren't a lot of single men to host
But there are thousands of women.
So many that you can browse their pics on facebook, & arrange direct contact with them or their trafficker, as soon as you see one you like the looks of.
Sounds legit, right?!

so given he hasn't got room for children on its own it wouldn't cause me to be concerned.
Given that he wants to ensure he has no bedroom for his own child, & doesn't care that his child is upset about that, is enough cause for concern alone.

It says everything that he can't host a man due to safeguarding for his DC. This is a rule for a reason.

Using the same reasoning, he shouldn't be able to host a woman to protect the woman's safety.

In theory, a single man in his 40s taking in a young female refugee is fine, assuming the man is decent and respectable. I have a couple of single male friends in their 40s who are decent and caring men, and if they announced they were doing this I would be applauding.
However, alarm bells ring in this particular case. The channel he's going through is wrong, it feels like he's going under the radar. Refugees need to go through the proper channels to get the appropriate support.
Then the fact that your son is having to give up his room makes this an entirely unreasonable arrangement. Your son needs a stable base at his fathers home to facilitate good coparenting (unless perhaps you live on the same street and he can easily pop home to your house after spending time with his dad).
Finally, this young refugee will be traumatised. Almost a year into the war, a quick google will bring up all sorts of horrific things that are happening to people in Ukraine. Is your ex in a position to support the complex needs of a refugee from a war-torn country? Probably not. Not to mention your young son shouldn't be exposed to being around someone who has suffered such trauma.

I would be more concerned that Ex is happily giving over DC's room in order to do this.

Even if his intentions are completely honourable, you would feel pretty shit if you were DC wouldn't you?

Presumably this is because DC is a minor.

Although take your point that this implies women = safe, men = not safe.

That's a fair shout inread if differently. Assuming you are correct, I don't see an issue here based on what we've been told.

So where are your children going to sleep?

After reading about the Ukraine human slave trade aka Surrogacy and social corruption in Ukraine, along with host stories of violent drunk home wrecking young Ukrainian women, users and one case of a Ukrainian young woman reporting hosts to social services, I wouldn't want my son around a father who threw his son out of his home for someone from that type of culture, they would be a nightmare match.

Definitely a situation that would give me the ick.

What about safeguarding concerns with a woman? It’s not just men who’re pedo’s.

Porn is becoming an issue for women.

The Irish gave up Northrrn Ireland for peace in their border dispute.

Do you think Ukraine would aided us had the situation been reversed? I don't understand why people think a country willing to destroy the third world via famine, sell babies in surrogacy and refuse to try to obtain peace over their border dispute are all going to be wonderful people?

This.i know a divorced man a similar age who took in a 19 year old Bosnian refugee in the 90s and they have been married 20 years.

Exactly.
Wha a CF giving up DC's room.

Ha!! And there we go, clearly he’s motives weren’t pure, but predatory.

Thank you all for all your responses. It's so helpful seeing a range of views. I really appreciate all the time you have spent commenting. DC co-sleeps with both of us and he sometimes has friends over to stay so his view is that DC's bedroom is not really needed or at least not at the moment; DC mainly stays with me and just does the occasional overnight with ex and in the past when he moved someone in for a relationship who he was not yet serious about he just spent any time with DC at my place. I feel like I am in a really tricky position due to the sector I work in - I feel that I should probably make some kind of report but I am also really worried about repercussions, as this could affect ex's work due to his employment, and having read your comments on this I did explain this all to him in the hopes that he would say something about the situation that would make me less concerned, but he was very upset, felt that I was attacking him and said that if I make any report things could turn bad (as it could affect his work, and he might make counter accusations against me as I understand and would get our friends to witness that he's a good guy, which all sounds very messy). Our once pretty good co-parenting relationship has completely broken down. I'm now very stressed about this and he seems really fixed on going through with it. In fact its the fixation on going through this that possibly has me most concerned. He is genuinely kind and likes to help people; but Slavic women are also his type. I wish I could provide more details but what I have already written is possibly already very outing.

My view would be this:

Would a 23yo female Ukranian be safer in your ex's home than they would be living in Ukraine under threat of missle attacks or being raped and summarily executed by Russian soldiers or mercenaries?

He met her on fb....he obviously likes her, gets on with her to have agreed, I wouldn't want my kids staying with a stranger and likeyhood is something will go on between them.....sorry but it's weird.