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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dd asking to contact absent father

90 replies

fizzydrinkss · 25/01/2023 21:59

NC for this as my last thread was identified.

Me and DD father split up over 2 years ago, when we were together he was never a good father, he was here but only in the background.

After we split, I tried to maintain contact for him and dd.

He kept letting her down, not turning up for her when he should have, cancelling seeing her for nights out etc, his priorities were all wrong.

I gave him several chances, told him when he didn't turn up etc he was hurting dd. It continued...

I finally sought legal advice, lawyer wrote to him highlighting his contact times and if he didn't stick to them, access would be revoked until such time he could stick to the arrangement.

Literally 2 weeks later, he done it again! Cancelled on dd at short notice for a night out.

I contacted my lawyer again and they wrote stating until he was able to maintain contact he was to have no further contact with me or dd (contact went through me as dd is still young) and any contact should be via my lawyer.

Over a year has passed now since he seen dd, in that year he has asked ONCE how she was. Had asked last year if he could see her again, he had changed etc, as instructed by my lawyer I simply replied saying, he should seek legal advice. He told me he would speak to a lawyer as he wanted to get this sorted.

6 months went by, dd birthday and Xmas. Nothing, no card, no message (fine, this was agreed via lawyer anyway).

He then asks again if he can start to see dd, he has changed etc (heard it all before several times). Again I told him to contact his lawyer? Still nothing.

Dd asks about him occasionally and I am honest with her, without bad mouthing him, I never do this. The last few days she has been asking when she can see him, can she phone him etc.

Does anyone have any advice on this situation? Everything I have done is to protect my dd. Her father isn't interested, he is interested in partying, taking drugs and being selfish! She is my world and I will not see him destroy her again.

OP posts:

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 25/01/2023 22:02

How old is she?

CombatBarbie · 25/01/2023 22:06

how old is she?

And whilst I sympathise with the situation, you can't revoke contact via a solicitor, they have no legal powers.....only the courts can.

He's been shit I agree but he could have taken that letter as a legal decision not realising a solicitor will write anything you ask them to..... You may have created the breakdown in their relationship.

The guy prob thinks he needs to spend £££s on a solicitor in order to gain access.

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 25/01/2023 22:21

She is 8.

I understand contact can't legally be revoked, but he was advised what would happen if he kept letting her down etc, never bothered.

He knows what he needs to do and how much it will cost, he is able to pay for a letter to be sent, he just won't!

He makes no effort apart from popping up once every 6 months to tell me he has definitely changed etc.

Ok so the first time he said it, I believed it... let's start with phone contact, phone twice a week at this time etc (we agreed the time and days). Didn't stick to it.

Can't even stick to a phone call.

A lot more has went on (nothing violent) but can't say on here as it would be outing.

I have wiped so many tears from my poor dd's face because of him, I can't bear to watch her go through it all again when she's in a good place at the moment.

But I also want to do what's best for her and want t

OP posts:

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 25/01/2023 22:21

and want to handle this the best way I can to support her

OP posts:

ConkerBonkers · 25/01/2023 22:24

It's tricky but both he and her seem to really want to meet and build a relationship. I think you need to be a bit more facilitative in your approach. Obviously not getting your daughter's hopes up in case any plans you make fall through.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 25/01/2023 22:41

Your daughter has expressed a wish to see him. I think you should facilitate this.

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 25/01/2023 22:47

Thanks for the opinions.

Of course if he had been a good parent I would have had no issue straight away with dd having contact, but surely someone who regularly takes cocaine, let's their dd down all the time & can't even stick to a phonecall, isn't good for dd.

I am on the fence, I 100% want what's best for dd, and I don't believe him coming back into her life at the moment is the answer.

However, this is not about my feelings or thoughts on him, this is about him being a parent to dd and my dd getting hurt again, trust me I know him and know it will happen again.

Do I let dd contact him then if she does get hurt again, just be there to support her and deal with all her sleepless nights etc over him?

Or do I put it off slightly longer (by telling her the truth, he has been asked to do xyz to see you and he hasn't) until she is slightly older.

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 25/01/2023 23:01

This is essentially not your decision to make. She wants to see him, he wants to see her. They both have rights in that respect. I totally appreciate that your first priority is to protect her from harm, but you can only do so much here. You need to facilitate contact there as best you can, or risk being cast as the resin they don't have a relationship.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 25/01/2023 23:10

Listen OP, it’s really, really, REALLY shit that even though YOU are the one to have wiped tears, nursed grazed knees, helped with homework and done absolutely everything for your DD, that all it takes is for your ex to exist and your DD’s curiosity is peaked. It’s unfair, and it’s not right. However…you really need to consider the feelings of your DD here, and be the mum who gave her the opportunity that she wanted with her dad. because if you don’t go through with it then you will likely come to regret it when your DD resents you for it.

And if he lets her down again - which he probably will - then continue to be honest and say he hasn’t turned up when he promised etc. that way, at least she knows because she’s been witness to it. And she will soon see him for who he is.

StarDolphins · 25/01/2023 23:10

I would absolutely let her see/speak to him, it’s good for her. Then in future, she can make her own mind up about his efforts.

if/when he lets her down just be there to support her.

SpaceRaiders · 25/01/2023 23:12

As painful for you as it is. Sometimes you’ve just got to let them experience it for themselves. In her mind she’s missing her daddy, she doesn’t remember or know what a xxx he was.

If he has changed then Dd has a chance to rebuild a relationship with him.

If he hasn’t she’ll eventually see him for what he is and likely stop seeing him completely once she hits her teens. But you can’t be the one to make that call for her because she’ll resent you for it. It has to come from her.

Coffeellama · 25/01/2023 23:14

You need to facilitate contact, he’s flakey and crap, he’s not violent and abusive. Stopping contact is benefiting you not her. When she’s older she will see him for who is he, but as a child she needs to see HER father, even if he isn’t the father he should be. He’s asked to see her, she’s asked to see him, currently you are putting yourself in the way of that rather than letting him fail and I don’t think that’s what’s best for her.

Crunchingleaf · 25/01/2023 23:25

It’s a shitty situation he has put you in here. Your DD gets hurt either way. He is unlikely to change and will let her down again. However, if you don’t facilitate contact then the lack of a relationship will be blamed on you. Be honest when he is supposed to ring etc but never build up her hopes is probably your safest bet.
If he could step up and be there when he says he will then you wouldn’t be forced into this situation. The situation is of his making, but you will shoulder the blame later on when she is hurting about not having him.

Genevieva · 26/01/2023 00:55

It sounds like you would encourage a relationship if he was reliable. You just don't want the emotional rollercoaster he was imposing on your daughter, leaving you to pick up the pieces.

For now I would tell her that while Daddy does say he cares about her, he isn't very organised and you want to make sure that he promises not to let her down. You can be honest to a degree without being too critical.

Next time he contacts you tell him you would absolutely love to support a relationship between him and your daughter, but only if he is willing to 100% reliable. That means choosing his daughter over a night out every time that choice needs to be made. Tell him how much he hurt her every time he didn't bother to show up. Tell him how it made her cry and caused her to lose her confidence and feel unloved. Ask him why he didn't send her birthday and Christmas cards and presents. Honestly, I don't think he needs to pay for a lawyer's letter, but he does need to demonstrate commitment and it is not at all clear that he is capable of that. So if you go down this route you need to start small with a short meeting on the first Sunday of the month or something like that.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 26/01/2023 12:59

Who advised you that you can stop contact via a solicitors letter?

CombatBarbie · 26/01/2023 19:07

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 26/01/2023 12:59

Who advised you that you can stop contact via a solicitors letter?

I questioned this.... Looks like he took that as a formal legal decision therefor sabotaging the limited relationship father and daughter had.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 27/01/2023 06:09

CombatBarbie · 26/01/2023 19:07

I questioned this.... Looks like he took that as a formal legal decision therefor sabotaging the limited relationship father and daughter had.

Show quote history

Yes, this is really worrying!! Sounds like OP made the decision for herself and tried to make it look as "legal" as possible.

How awful :(

TirisfalPumpkin · 27/01/2023 06:45

Nothing wrong with hiring a solicitor to represent you. It’s not her fault the flakey coke head can’t tell the difference between a solicitor’s letter and a court order.

Aprilx · 27/01/2023 06:53

TirisfalPumpkin · 27/01/2023 06:45

Nothing wrong with hiring a solicitor to represent you. It’s not her fault the flakey coke head can’t tell the difference between a solicitor’s letter and a court order.

So maybe he hasn’t very good with legal things, that does not mean he should be deprived of seeing his child. OP had no right to “revoke access”.

He does sound flaky but I love that the cocaine details was dropped in the moment a couple of posters pulled her up on this and suggested she facilitated. Very predictable.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/01/2023 07:00

As PP have said, you don’t get to ‘revoke’ contact.

This won’t be looked upon fondly by the Courts if he takes you for access.

megletthesecond · 27/01/2023 07:00

I wouldn't facilitate this. He's had his chances and has no right to continue treating his daughter badly.

SeasonFinale · 27/01/2023 07:19

You facilitate contact and be there for her should he let her down. If you don't at some stage when she is older you become the bad guy for not letting her have contact and he the romanticised Dad you kept away from her.

As bad as it may be you need to let her see that he is flakey and let's her down and you are the one there to support and love her.

SeasonFinale · 27/01/2023 07:20

DYAC lets

WandaWonder · 27/01/2023 07:22

You chose to have a child with this bloke, your child has every right to see him if they choose too

But yes legal advice is best

NeedToChangeName · 27/01/2023 07:40

Your DD wants to see her father. You should definitely facilitate that

I would tell him.he can pick her up at 10am, but if he's not there by 10.30am, then you'll be going out, not waiting around for him

Have a back up.plan in case he's not there by 10.30am

Tell DD that Dad is planning to take her out, but if if something comes up and he can't manage, then you'll be taking her swimming instead

That way, DD distress is minimised if he doesn't show up

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