Page 4 | Dd asking to contact absent father

fizzydrinkss · 2023-01-25T21:59:36+00:00

NC for this as my last thread was identified. Me and DD father split up over 2 years ago, when we were together he was never a good father, he was here but only in the background. After we split, I tried to maintain contact for him and dd. He kept letting her down, not turning up for her when he should have, cancelling seeing her for nights out etc, his priorities were all wrong. I gave him several chances, told him when he didn't turn up etc he was hurting dd. It continued... I finally sought legal advice, lawyer wrote to him highlighting his contact times and if he didn't stick to them, access would be revoked until such time he could stick to the arrangement. Literally 2 weeks later, he done it again! Cancelled on dd at short notice for a night out. I contacted my lawyer again and they wrote stating until he was able to maintain contact he was to have no further contact with me or dd (contact went through me as dd is still young) and any contact should be via my lawyer. Over a year has passed now since he seen dd, in that year he has asked ONCE how she was. Had asked last year if he could see her again, he had changed etc, as instructed by my lawyer I simply replied saying, he should seek legal advice. He told me he would speak to a lawyer as he wanted to get this sorted. 6 months went by, dd birthday and Xmas. Nothing, no card, no message (fine, this was agreed via lawyer anyway). He then asks again if he can start to see dd, he has changed etc (heard it all before several times). Again I told him to contact his lawyer? Still nothing. Dd asks about him occasionally and I am honest with her, without bad mouthing him, I never do this. The last few days she has been asking when she can see him, can she phone him etc. Does anyone have any advice on this situation? Everything I have done is to protect my dd. Her father isn't interested, he is interested in partying, taking drugs and being selfish! She is my world and I will not see him destroy her again.

Shelby2010 · 15/03/2023 18:50

Presumably if he does get legal advice, he will be told that you can’t withhold contact because you don’t have a court order.

Do you have any contact with his parents/siblings? Could they provide a way for DD to connect with that side of her family?

OriginalUsername2 · 15/03/2023 18:59

Clymene · 15/03/2023 18:42

Read the fucking thread you melt.

OP - I think you're going to have to have an honest conversation with your daughter. I would tell her that it's not her - that he wants to see her and he loves her - but he finds being an adult difficult so he's not very reliable.

The key thing is to make her realise it's not personal and it's not about her, it's everything. He doesn't function. So you will contact him again if she would like him to but there is every chance he won't turn up.

And tell her you're really, really sorry he's so shit.

Show quote history

I did read the thread, chav.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 15/03/2023 19:29

Him not turning up is abuse...

megletthesecond · 15/03/2023 19:40

Please never contact him again. As long as you have proof you tried then leave it be. He can't be allowed to keep treating your DD badly. He won't change and the sooner contact permanently stops the better .

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 19:43

OriginalUsername2 · 15/03/2023 18:36

I think it’s a bit off to use a lawyer to draft rules that you’re making up as you go along. It’s a power move.

You’re actually making it harder to facilitate.

The man is flaky and crap, sure. But you’re basically saying perfect contact or nothing. So she’s getting nothing. She should be able to get to know her crappy and flaky dad, flaws and all, if he isn’t a danger to her physically or mentally.

Its inconvenient and frustrating for you but that’s not your DDs problem.

Lawyers will be on your side and write whatever you tell them to. You’re a paying customer.

You are wrong.

Absolutely nothing to do with power! It's about doing what's best for my dd. Not once said contact needs to be a perfect fairytale... I have asked for consistency and he couldn't stick to it, gave him multiple chances before seeking legal advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 19:46

Shelby2010 · 15/03/2023 18:50

Presumably if he does get legal advice, he will be told that you can’t withhold contact because you don’t have a court order.

Do you have any contact with his parents/siblings? Could they provide a way for DD to connect with that side of her family?

No contact with any of his family members.

He has siblings who have had children removed from their care. I won't go into details as it's not needed. His dm was never in his life until we split, so again no contact there.

OP posts:

PeekAtYou · 15/03/2023 19:51

I think you need a counsellor for dd. On some level she must know that dad is flaky but she may not be ready to accept it.

I think that a flaky father is worse than no father at all but flaky is a realisation that your dd needs to come to. If questioned about the times that he let her down, she may defend him or truly believe the excuses given like he had to go to golf. People are programmed to want their parents to be great and by denying what happened, she is keeping the fantasy alive that he isn't flaky. Is it possible that in the 2/3 years since being let down she's forgotten what happened? In her quest to feel better she may have forgotten how it felt at the time.

It's hard for you knowing that in all likelihood he will fuck up again and there's nothing that you can do to prevent that. Your heart must sink at the thought that she's going to be upset again but until she Knows what he is like, she will romanticize him.

You are not unreasonable to want consistency from him and if he was a decent dad he would have organized a mediation session and Child Arrangement Order. I'm not sure why he has to contact you via lawyers but you went along with what the experts told you at the time so I won't dwell on that point.

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 20:47

Eastereggsboxedupready · 15/03/2023 19:29

Him not turning up is abuse...

Thank you. I agree.

OP posts:

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 20:48

megletthesecond · 15/03/2023 19:40

Please never contact him again. As long as you have proof you tried then leave it be. He can't be allowed to keep treating your DD badly. He won't change and the sooner contact permanently stops the better .

Thank you so much I am doing my best for my dd as best as I can.

OP posts:

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 20:50

PeekAtYou · 15/03/2023 19:51

I think you need a counsellor for dd. On some level she must know that dad is flaky but she may not be ready to accept it.

I think that a flaky father is worse than no father at all but flaky is a realisation that your dd needs to come to. If questioned about the times that he let her down, she may defend him or truly believe the excuses given like he had to go to golf. People are programmed to want their parents to be great and by denying what happened, she is keeping the fantasy alive that he isn't flaky. Is it possible that in the 2/3 years since being let down she's forgotten what happened? In her quest to feel better she may have forgotten how it felt at the time.

It's hard for you knowing that in all likelihood he will fuck up again and there's nothing that you can do to prevent that. Your heart must sink at the thought that she's going to be upset again but until she Knows what he is like, she will romanticize him.

You are not unreasonable to want consistency from him and if he was a decent dad he would have organized a mediation session and Child Arrangement Order. I'm not sure why he has to contact you via lawyers but you went along with what the experts told you at the time so I won't dwell on that point.

Thank you for the advice

OP posts:

GuineaPigPosie · 16/03/2023 20:53

Jesus, am I reading a different thread to some PP??

OP, I'm so sorry you and DD are going through this. You have tried and tried and you are not getting anything from him. Your poor DD deserves better. She has you, and that's what matters most.

He may say he wants to see her, but if he's not trying, does he really? I do think your DD may need some outside support and I think there's been some good advice on this thread about beginning to be honest with her. Ensure you say it's not her fault, it's not because of her - it's that he isn't ready yet or as a PP put it, he isn't very reliable but who knows what the future holds. Keep us updated and good luck. Sorry I can't be of more help. I hope you're okay. You're a good mum 🩷

Original poster

fizzydrinkss · 17/03/2023 09:52

GuineaPigPosie · 16/03/2023 20:53

Jesus, am I reading a different thread to some PP??

OP, I'm so sorry you and DD are going through this. You have tried and tried and you are not getting anything from him. Your poor DD deserves better. She has you, and that's what matters most.

He may say he wants to see her, but if he's not trying, does he really? I do think your DD may need some outside support and I think there's been some good advice on this thread about beginning to be honest with her. Ensure you say it's not her fault, it's not because of her - it's that he isn't ready yet or as a PP put it, he isn't very reliable but who knows what the future holds. Keep us updated and good luck. Sorry I can't be of more help. I hope you're okay. You're a good mum 🩷

Thank you so much for the kind words . I have tried again and again to make him see dd but he isn't interested. So sad to watch dd crying over him but you are right, she has me and always will have me

OP posts:

Meandfour · 17/03/2023 09:59

Snugglemonkey · 25/01/2023 23:01

This is essentially not your decision to make. She wants to see him, he wants to see her. They both have rights in that respect. I totally appreciate that your first priority is to protect her from harm, but you can only do so much here. You need to facilitate contact there as best you can, or risk being cast as the resin they don't have a relationship.

This. They have both clearly expressed now they wish to see each other.

megletthesecond · 17/03/2023 10:15

He does NOT want to see her. He lets her down and shouldn't be within a mile of her.

Hebehouse · 17/03/2023 10:23

GuineaPigPosie · 16/03/2023 20:53

Jesus, am I reading a different thread to some PP??

OP, I'm so sorry you and DD are going through this. You have tried and tried and you are not getting anything from him. Your poor DD deserves better. She has you, and that's what matters most.

He may say he wants to see her, but if he's not trying, does he really? I do think your DD may need some outside support and I think there's been some good advice on this thread about beginning to be honest with her. Ensure you say it's not her fault, it's not because of her - it's that he isn't ready yet or as a PP put it, he isn't very reliable but who knows what the future holds. Keep us updated and good luck. Sorry I can't be of more help. I hope you're okay. You're a good mum 🩷

This is exactly how I'm reading it too. If he really wants to see her, he can get legal support and take it to court. How is he a loving father being denied access, when he keeps letting her down?!