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Original poster

Dd asking to contact absent father

90 replies

fizzydrinkss · 25/01/2023 21:59

NC for this as my last thread was identified.

Me and DD father split up over 2 years ago, when we were together he was never a good father, he was here but only in the background.

After we split, I tried to maintain contact for him and dd.

He kept letting her down, not turning up for her when he should have, cancelling seeing her for nights out etc, his priorities were all wrong.

I gave him several chances, told him when he didn't turn up etc he was hurting dd. It continued...

I finally sought legal advice, lawyer wrote to him highlighting his contact times and if he didn't stick to them, access would be revoked until such time he could stick to the arrangement.

Literally 2 weeks later, he done it again! Cancelled on dd at short notice for a night out.

I contacted my lawyer again and they wrote stating until he was able to maintain contact he was to have no further contact with me or dd (contact went through me as dd is still young) and any contact should be via my lawyer.

Over a year has passed now since he seen dd, in that year he has asked ONCE how she was. Had asked last year if he could see her again, he had changed etc, as instructed by my lawyer I simply replied saying, he should seek legal advice. He told me he would speak to a lawyer as he wanted to get this sorted.

6 months went by, dd birthday and Xmas. Nothing, no card, no message (fine, this was agreed via lawyer anyway).

He then asks again if he can start to see dd, he has changed etc (heard it all before several times). Again I told him to contact his lawyer? Still nothing.

Dd asks about him occasionally and I am honest with her, without bad mouthing him, I never do this. The last few days she has been asking when she can see him, can she phone him etc.

Does anyone have any advice on this situation? Everything I have done is to protect my dd. Her father isn't interested, he is interested in partying, taking drugs and being selfish! She is my world and I will not see him destroy her again.

OP posts:
Allytheapple · 27/01/2023 07:51

What an asshole. His behaviour is utterly shit. That said your DD wants a relationship and if possible I think you should try to facilitate it. Let it play out as it does and she can learn about her father from his own behaviour. She is going to be dealing with a man who has chosen not to be a father all her life in one way or another. If you can help her address the emotions arising from this now and bring it into her consciousness that you believe that it is not okay for him to do this to her and be a solid loving presence in her life then maybe she can learn from this experience instead of burying the pain from it. The pain will be there one way or another, it is completely not your fault but your ex is hurting his daughter either way and arguably letting her experience that might give her better insight.

megletthesecond · 27/01/2023 10:53

Why are so many people minimising what an asshole her dad is here? A child isn't a toy he can hang out with every so often. Equally at 8 I don't think she will appreciate what a mess this could end up in.

FurAndFeathers · 27/01/2023 10:59

I’d be careful - if he does get a lawyer you could be at risk of an accusation of parental alienation.

you have a child who wishes to see her father and a father who wishes to see his child and you are obstructing that.

what is you reason for requiring him to write a solicitors letter to re establish contact @fizzydrinkss ?
what do you think that ‘proves’

you seem to be setting up artificial requirements/barriers to obstruct their contact (which is something your DD wants)

denying her contact is not in her best interests

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/01/2023 11:00

megletthesecond · 27/01/2023 10:53

Why are so many people minimising what an asshole her dad is here? A child isn't a toy he can hang out with every so often. Equally at 8 I don't think she will appreciate what a mess this could end up in.

Because it’s not the mother’s choice to make.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 27/01/2023 11:02

At 8 she could be told he takes drugs and isn't appropriate to have in her life. Being safe is vital and he can't provide her with safety.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 27/01/2023 13:50

megletthesecond · 27/01/2023 10:53

Why are so many people minimising what an asshole her dad is here? A child isn't a toy he can hang out with every so often. Equally at 8 I don't think she will appreciate what a mess this could end up in.

I've not said he's not an arsehole. However, what OP done here has been to put herself in a very VERY bad looking position if this ends up in the courts.

HildasLostSock · 27/01/2023 16:18

I'd start with telephone contact first and see if he sticks to it (unlikely from the sounds of it). It's a horrible situation to be in, but she's asked for contact so its best to allow it in the long run. You don't want her blaming you a few years down the line and as hard and upsetting it is, she has to see for herself what he is like. All you can do is support her and reiterate that it's not her/she's not the reason when Daddy doesn't call or turn up or cancels it's that Daddy has different priorities (although there must be a better way to put it than that, so awful for your daughter) and bolster her self esteem as well as you can.

Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 06/02/2023 23:01

I only mentioned the drug taking afterwards as I didn't want it to come across that I was keeping dd away from him through choice. I know how quickly some people can jump to blame on mn and I didn't want it to seem like I was fabricating a story.

Anything I have done I have done it on the advice of my lawyer, all communication regarding him staying away etc has been through a lawyer.

I reached out to him, told him dd would like to see him, all he has to do is contact a lawyer to propose contact dates and times that suit him, then we can come to a mutual agreement. He hasn't done anything... I know him inside out. If he had went to a lawyer he would have told me "ok been to lawyer it will be sorted"

Nothing, I have heard absolutely nothing. Dd is still asking when she can see him, how do I handle this?

The reason I want it done as legally as possible is he has never been consistent in her life, he dropped in and out when it suited him, he cancelled on her for things that weren't a priority, dd should have been the priority. He takes drugs and is immature, I need to know dd will be safe.

If it's done legally it shows he has changed and is willing to make sn effort and therefore more likely to stick to it.

Dd is upset, I have been as honest as I can with her, I have reached out to your father like you asked, let's wait and see what happens, he might be busy etc.

What else can I do? I hate seeing her hurting!

OP posts:
Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 06/02/2023 23:41

Bump

OP posts:
IneedanewTV · 06/02/2023 23:50

I think you are a little out of order stopping the father from seeing his child. If he took this to court I think you could be open to criticism by a judge. It’s not your call.

I agree with the suggestion of starting with a phone call. Don’t delay. Your DD is 8 and has a right to see her dad. Otherwise you will be blamed when she is older.

Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 06/02/2023 23:57

@IneedanewTV I understand where you are coming from but I stopped the contact with good reason. Dd was constantly sitting waiting on him coming and he simply never showed because he was "in the pub, at golf etc" he had lots of chances, it wasn't just one time. He couldn't even stick to phone contact... dd knew he was phoning on a certain day at a certain time, didn't happen, several times.

Dd was heartbroken, she was young. I was doing my best to protect her.

As I've said I've contacted him and nothing has been done, I said let's start phone contact until yous build up a relationship. Nothing has happened. Believe me I am trying to sort this for dd.

I need advice on how to handle it with dd, she is upset and I don't know what to say. He clearly isn't interested in having a relationship with her, he never has but as I said I am trying to fix this but I can't make him want to be in her life. Although he has said he wants to, he hasn't made any effort to do so...

OP posts:
itsthefinalcountdown1 · 07/02/2023 06:01

Getting a lawyer to write a letter doesn't make it "legal". You have no idea what you're on about and if your ex takes you to court ever, you'll be in for it.

new2mn · 07/02/2023 06:07

I have no experience with divorce situations but if he is so flaky, is there a way to make the appointment as open ended as possible? So for eg I would not mention the appointment with Dad to DD until it's confirmed that he's definitely on his way. (Might even insist he share location if that doesn't come across as too controlling.) Can get DD ready beforehand, and if he doesn't turn up, I'd take her elsewhere to have fun without mentioning the Dad – no harm done. Don't know if this is a good or bad idea but just an idea.

new2mn · 07/02/2023 06:09

Same for phone contact too. I don't know if it will be good if all his contact with her comes as a last minute "surprise", but maybe that beats her getting her hopes bitterly dashed every time.

donttellmehesalive · 07/02/2023 06:30

You have told her that you have contacted her dad and now need to 'wait and see what happens'. That implies you have offered contact but he hasn't taken you up on it. But that isn't true - you have put an obstacle in his path regarding wanting him to formalise contact in a solicitor's letter. Your poor girl.

He sounds disorganised and useless but not abusive. I think it's awful that you've intimidated him with a solicitors letter, implied it's a binding legal decision and effectively decided he can't see her.

What you do now is allow contact, for her benefit.

jeaux90 · 07/02/2023 06:57

MyDD13 hasn't seen her dad since she was 3. I tell her that some people just aren't very good at caring for other people. She hasn't asked about him for a few years.

She needs to know some people are shit but not in a way that makes it about her, it needs to be about them.

chachachachachanges · 07/02/2023 06:59

I grew up in your DD's situation so hopefully can offer some perspective.
8 sounds young to many but these experiences will have exposed and matured her.

You cannot protect her from the truth of who her father is and what he is like. You will need to let her explore the relationship as she wants, and be there for her when he lets her down. He will let her down. You can't say this to her. She needs to come at it on her own terms and in her own time.

He will break her heart. I'm afraid it's something she needs to go through in order to understand herself and this relationship.

If you stand between them, you are the problem. She will resent you for it.

Jessbow · 07/02/2023 07:03

There is absolutely no need for him to make plans through your lawyer - all that does it makes it more difficult, not to mention costly.

You have effectively stopped your daughter from seeing her dad- now get on and faciitate her seeing him, withoutall the controlling behaviour on your part

RedHelenB · 07/02/2023 07:35

Why can't she phone him?

Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 07/02/2023 08:20

It's not controlling behaviour 😂. I couldn't care less what he does as long as it doesn't involve my dd.

I had seen dd extremely upset several times, I didn't go to a lawyer and demand they send a letter and stop contact! I went to a lawyer for advice on what the options were as he was so flaky. A few letters were sent just reminding him of his agreed contact times etc first then the lawyer advised on the last letter saying, until a time where he could be consistent in dd life he shouldn't contact either dd or myself.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 07/02/2023 08:27

If you stand between them, you are the problem. She will resent you for it.

This.

you need to let her discover what her father is like for herself. Your job is to be there afterwards if it all goes wrong.

x2boys · 07/02/2023 09:21

megletthesecond · 27/01/2023 07:00

I wouldn't facilitate this. He's had his chances and has no right to continue treating his daughter badly.

What about the child's rights to.see her Dad ,she says she wants to?

underneaththeash · 07/02/2023 09:26

What’s she like on the phone? (Only asking as my children are all useless!)
mid she’d okay, I’d text him and say that DD would like to speak to him and is there a good time after school.

i don’t think the courts would have an unfavourable opinion at all on a parent making a good decision regarding contact for a parent who keeps letting their child down.
please link a case outcome if you can find one.

LittleLegoWoman · 07/02/2023 09:44

What about letters? Or more realistically, email. Either set up a special email address (you keep hold of the password for now, at her age), or use your email address and she can write to him and he can reply. It takes time to read a letter and then write a reply, so it removes the problem of immediate disappointment when he doesn’t call at the pre-arranged time. And he won’t be on the phone high or hung over.

LittleLegoWoman · 07/02/2023 09:45

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable wanting him to prove he can stick to a contact schedule by the way. It’s damaging for your daughter to be let down all the time and it makes planning your own free time (with+without your DD) impossible.