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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd asking to contact absent father

90 replies

fizzydrinkss · 25/01/2023 21:59

NC for this as my last thread was identified.

Me and DD father split up over 2 years ago, when we were together he was never a good father, he was here but only in the background.

After we split, I tried to maintain contact for him and dd.

He kept letting her down, not turning up for her when he should have, cancelling seeing her for nights out etc, his priorities were all wrong.

I gave him several chances, told him when he didn't turn up etc he was hurting dd. It continued...

I finally sought legal advice, lawyer wrote to him highlighting his contact times and if he didn't stick to them, access would be revoked until such time he could stick to the arrangement.

Literally 2 weeks later, he done it again! Cancelled on dd at short notice for a night out.

I contacted my lawyer again and they wrote stating until he was able to maintain contact he was to have no further contact with me or dd (contact went through me as dd is still young) and any contact should be via my lawyer.

Over a year has passed now since he seen dd, in that year he has asked ONCE how she was. Had asked last year if he could see her again, he had changed etc, as instructed by my lawyer I simply replied saying, he should seek legal advice. He told me he would speak to a lawyer as he wanted to get this sorted.

6 months went by, dd birthday and Xmas. Nothing, no card, no message (fine, this was agreed via lawyer anyway).

He then asks again if he can start to see dd, he has changed etc (heard it all before several times). Again I told him to contact his lawyer? Still nothing.

Dd asks about him occasionally and I am honest with her, without bad mouthing him, I never do this. The last few days she has been asking when she can see him, can she phone him etc.

Does anyone have any advice on this situation? Everything I have done is to protect my dd. Her father isn't interested, he is interested in partying, taking drugs and being selfish! She is my world and I will not see him destroy her again.

OP posts:
IneedanewTV · 07/02/2023 09:50

“him of his agreed contact times etc first then the lawyer advised on the last letter saying, until a time where he could be consistent in dd life he shouldn't contact either dd or myself.”

you stopped her dad making contact.

confessionstoday · 07/02/2023 10:01

No idea why OP is getting a hard time here.

Dad could do so many things to show he has changed. He could write letters to his daughter. And then request phone contact and then move to face to face.

He clearly can't be arsed. How is this fair on child being constantly let down and her feelings played with.

You've made it clear what he needs to do. I would probably tell him to organise mediation and see if he actually bothers.

x2boys · 07/02/2023 10:07

confessionstoday · 07/02/2023 10:01

No idea why OP is getting a hard time here.

Dad could do so many things to show he has changed. He could write letters to his daughter. And then request phone contact and then move to face to face.

He clearly can't be arsed. How is this fair on child being constantly let down and her feelings played with.

You've made it clear what he needs to do. I would probably tell him to organise mediation and see if he actually bothers.

It's not about the father's rights it's about the child's rights to.see their father and the daughter wants to.see their Dad ,and the Dad wants to.see the daughter th op.currently isn't facilitating.that and making it unnecessarily complicated by involving solicitors ,which isn't fair on her daughter ,yes her daughter may end up.being let down ,but she's currently being hurt by not see ing her Dad

TomatoSandwiches · 07/02/2023 10:11

I think you are asking for the very bare minimum of him to organise structured contact.
He is feckless and can not believe people are blaming you for their being no contact at all when what you have asked is entirely reasonable.
YANBU.

x2boys · 07/02/2023 10:21

TomatoSandwiches · 07/02/2023 10:11

I think you are asking for the very bare minimum of him to organise structured contact.
He is feckless and can not believe people are blaming you for their being no contact at all when what you have asked is entirely reasonable.
YANBU.

What about the Op,s daughter wanting to see her Dad?
the Ops .has complicated things telling the Dad to.go.through a solicitor ,there is no need for that
here's the thing if the Dad is as use less as the Op.says he is then her daughter will,see that and yes she might feel.upset and let down ,but she won't be blaming the Op.she will.be blaming her Dad
currently the daughter wants to.see her Dad and that's not happening ,,and the reason why it's not happening is because the Op,s not allowing ,it The daughter, might end up.resenting her mum in years to.come because of that.

SpinningFloppa · 07/02/2023 10:23

I’ve noticed the opinions have changed on these situations, a year ago you would have been told you did the right thing, that no dad was better than a rubbish inconsistent one that keeps letting your child down but recently I’ve noticed it’s now a case of any dad is better than no dad even if he is rubbish, inconsistent and repeatedly lets the child down. Currently going through the same thing so totally get it op.

Reugny · 07/02/2023 10:23

OP I know a handful of people who have gone to Family Court where one parent takes recreation drugs. As the parent doesn't have an addiction and there is no evidence the drug taken happens around the child it is ignored.

At the moment both of them will be able to turn around to say you blocked contact with him by using a solicitor.

Contact him directly by email and strongly suggest to him what he needs to do. Don't mention drugs or anything in his personal life as you are no longer together. ( Make sure you keep all emails until your child is an adult. )

So LittleLegoWoman has given you a good idea on facilitating written contact, while NeedToChangeName has given you good advice on what to do if it ever progresses to face-to-face contact.

Reugny · 07/02/2023 10:26

SpinningFloppa · 07/02/2023 10:23

I’ve noticed the opinions have changed on these situations, a year ago you would have been told you did the right thing, that no dad was better than a rubbish inconsistent one that keeps letting your child down but recently I’ve noticed it’s now a case of any dad is better than no dad even if he is rubbish, inconsistent and repeatedly lets the child down. Currently going through the same thing so totally get it op.

Probably because there are more posters who know older teens/young adults who have blame their mother for not ever seeing their (unreliable/shitty) dad and blaming their mental health issues on this.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2023 10:34

I can understand how furious he must make you.

But I think it will be better for your dd to have some contact with an unreliable father than none.

She is asking for contact, and he is at least sometimes open to this. Being able to know her father is important to her.

Clearly he is a shitty arsehole for not being a proper father in the way she deserves, but it is about what is in her best interests.

Quitelikeit · 07/02/2023 10:34

On the balance of probabilities your standards are very high with what you regard as ‘good enough’ parenting.

The man is not a risk and I’m assuming he pays for her as you’ve not said otherwise?

A court would certainly award him access and would be unlikely to revoke that access just because he was flakey

A court situation would be very very draining on you both emotionally and financially

I suspect your daughter is seeing other dads at the school or her friends talk about their daddies etc and it’s spiking her interest

I would contact him and let him know that she is asking to see him

If you know he loves weekend benders how about Wednesday afterschool and out for tea

This is something he might stick to. People do grow up eventually

Like it or not you chose to have a child with this man and now you and your daughter are paying the price

Oddbobbyboo · 07/02/2023 10:51

From experience I wouldn't allow contact. I'd just ride the storm. I would say you can see him when he agrees specific dates and times with a solicitor. He needs to prove himself.
I've made it so easy for my ex-husband to come and goes as he pleases and each time I've had to clear up his mess.. emotionally and financially. Our kids are 24,20&15. We've been apart 12 years x not once has he been consistent.
They have all been hurt by him because I wanted them to have a father.... when really they have needed protecting from his unreliability and false promises.

turrrniiipz · 07/02/2023 11:00

So many posters are seriously under estimating the damage it causes a child when a parent repeatedly lets them down and doesn't prioritise them. I think it was fair for the OP to stop contact on the understanding it would be started again when the father stopped being a selfish twat and would maintain regular contact.

It's the feckless lazy fuckers fault that he hasn't had contact with his child. Not the OP.

The child is asking to see their father, so that should be arranged, but I would want legal advice and everything documenting, along with specific days and times and pre arranged plans that should always be stuck to.

The child is also old enough now to be aware that her father is making poor choices and choosing not to see her, if that happens again.

Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 07/02/2023 21:57

Thanks for the responses.

I must admit I felt horrendous this morning after reading some of the reply's on here...

However I know myself I am doing the right thing so thanks to everyone for agreeing with the way I have done things.

My dd will always be my priority, he has been useless, has had more chances than he deserved before I sought legal advice.

I have never stopped him from seeing her, the lawyer instructed him that until he is able to maintain a regular contact arrangement then not to have any direct contact. Lawyer instructed him what he had to do and he never done it.

I have wiped my daughters tears far too many times over what he done to her so I am cautious as I know what he is like and I will do absolutely anything I can to protect my dd.

Thanks again for all the reply's agreeing with me, I 100% know I am doing things the right way. Balls in his court so will see what happens now.

OP posts:
Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 17:45

Help needed please...

Reached out to dd father again several days after my post. Still nothing. My dd is heartbroken, asking when she can see her father.

Can anyone help me on how to handle and help her with her feelings? She gets so sad about it and I feel so rubbish for her Sad why is he not interested in dd it's so sad!

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 15/03/2023 18:20

CombatBarbie · 25/01/2023 22:06

how old is she?

And whilst I sympathise with the situation, you can't revoke contact via a solicitor, they have no legal powers.....only the courts can.

He's been shit I agree but he could have taken that letter as a legal decision not realising a solicitor will write anything you ask them to..... You may have created the breakdown in their relationship.

The guy prob thinks he needs to spend £££s on a solicitor in order to gain access.

Erm! No! HE created the breakdown in theor relationship, how dare you put that upon the mother who has to put up with the shit! And I think you're misunderstanding the point of the solicitors' letter !!

Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 18:23

@MissMaple82 thank you Biscuit

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 15/03/2023 18:24

IneedanewTV · 06/02/2023 23:50

I think you are a little out of order stopping the father from seeing his child. If he took this to court I think you could be open to criticism by a judge. It’s not your call.

I agree with the suggestion of starting with a phone call. Don’t delay. Your DD is 8 and has a right to see her dad. Otherwise you will be blamed when she is older.

You're incorrect. She's acted on a solicitors recommendation. No judge would go against that, thars not what they do

MissMaple82 · 15/03/2023 18:28

OP please don't listen to people on mumsnet. Seek advice through your solicitor on how best to deal with this. I would even consider paying to go to court to get an order in place to reduce the liklihood of him pissing around again. Half these people commenting probably have no idea about absent parents/shit fathers/family courts

Hence · 15/03/2023 18:29

I think you are bag out of order here. You can't keep them apart just because he is flakey. He isn't abusive or neglectful.

Greydogs123 · 15/03/2023 18:31

Why don’t you arrange a day for him to take her out? To MacDonalds or something. Give him a time to turn up, do not tell your daughter about any of the arrangements and then if he turns up, great, he gets to spend time with her and her with him. If he doesn’t turn up then you’ve not got a broken heart to soothe. You can tell
your daughter that you are trying to arrange things with dad.

Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 18:35

@MissMaple82 thank you. Anything I have done has been on advice of my lawyer, none of it was done lightly, it was after several let downs etc that this process was started. He was given letters stating what would happen if he didn't stick to arrangements etc, so there was warnings, it wasn't just cut off. But some people can't understand that on here.

Thank you for your kind words. I will contact my lawyer again and see what I am best to do from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
fizzydrinkss · 15/03/2023 18:35

Greydogs123 · 15/03/2023 18:31

Why don’t you arrange a day for him to take her out? To MacDonalds or something. Give him a time to turn up, do not tell your daughter about any of the arrangements and then if he turns up, great, he gets to spend time with her and her with him. If he doesn’t turn up then you’ve not got a broken heart to soothe. You can tell
your daughter that you are trying to arrange things with dad.

Have done this several times in the past. Hence why we are now here and lawyers were involved. Believe me I have tried everything. Thanks for the advice though.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 15/03/2023 18:36

I think it’s a bit off to use a lawyer to draft rules that you’re making up as you go along. It’s a power move.

You’re actually making it harder to facilitate.

The man is flaky and crap, sure. But you’re basically saying perfect contact or nothing. So she’s getting nothing. She should be able to get to know her crappy and flaky dad, flaws and all, if he isn’t a danger to her physically or mentally.

Its inconvenient and frustrating for you but that’s not your DDs problem.

Lawyers will be on your side and write whatever you tell them to. You’re a paying customer.

OriginalUsername2 · 15/03/2023 18:38

Lawyers aren’t “involved”. You’re paying for expensive letters.

Clymene · 15/03/2023 18:42

OriginalUsername2 · 15/03/2023 18:36

I think it’s a bit off to use a lawyer to draft rules that you’re making up as you go along. It’s a power move.

You’re actually making it harder to facilitate.

The man is flaky and crap, sure. But you’re basically saying perfect contact or nothing. So she’s getting nothing. She should be able to get to know her crappy and flaky dad, flaws and all, if he isn’t a danger to her physically or mentally.

Its inconvenient and frustrating for you but that’s not your DDs problem.

Lawyers will be on your side and write whatever you tell them to. You’re a paying customer.

Read the fucking thread you melt.

OP - I think you're going to have to have an honest conversation with your daughter. I would tell her that it's not her - that he wants to see her and he loves her - but he finds being an adult difficult so he's not very reliable.

The key thing is to make her realise it's not personal and it's not about her, it's everything. He doesn't function. So you will contact him again if she would like him to but there is every chance he won't turn up.

And tell her you're really, really sorry he's so shit.