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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex should pay me child support?

77 replies

Snailstorm · 25/01/2023 17:49

I have a 5 year old son, I split up with his dad when he was 1 year old. He's supposed to take him 50/50 so 3 or 4 nights a week and he used to, but ever since he got a new girlfriend about 1.5 years ago he's been taking him less and less. I've probably taken our son at least an extra 50 nights over that time, whether it's because his dad has a cold, "feels dizzy" or is just "too stressed" plus his mum died last year and he used that for a while as a reason to barely see our son, because he was upset about his mum, or going to visit her when she was in hospital and didn't want to take our son etc. I was nice about it for a while but now Ive had enough and feel like he's taking the piss.

I moved house a couple of months ago and now I'm a bit further away from where he lives, it used to be only 2 mins drive/10 min walk, now its about a 10 minute drive or 40 minute walk. He drives and I don't so usually he would pick up our son and drop him off. Our son is severely autistic and its a nightmare taking him on buses and really stressful. Now ive moved he says he doesnt want to drive here to bring him back in the mornings and so i have to get the bus and go collect our son for 730am as he starts work at 8. I don't want to do that as it is just too stressful with the risk of my son having a meltdown on the bus. So for the last 2 months he's only been taking our son 2 nights a week as I tell him to bring him back the night before. He says since that's "my choice" he doesn't have to pay me child support. But its not really my choice, I would actually love more time to myself to get a proper night's sleep! But with the way my son is its just too difficult to take him on the bus in the morning. I want to learn to drive myself so I can just drive to collect him but I don't have the free time or money.

He was meant to have him last night but didn't because his girlfriend has covid, and he won't even tell me when he's taking him next.

He also will never do the same for me, even if I'm really ill or injured he would not take our son an extra night to help me, once i hurt my back and couldnt even stand up i had to just crawl around and he wouldnt take our son an extra night. but I'm expected to take our son whenever he wants and if I complain he gets angry and acts like I'm being nasty for no reason, if I get upset and cry he says I'm faking it and calls me a narcissist.

He also is nearly always late when he does take our son and never apologises or explains why, but the times I've been to collect our son he will keep texting me making sure I'm going to be exactly on time (which I always am).

OP posts:
Glorianna · 25/01/2023 17:53

YANBU. Have you applied via CMS?

SeasonFinale · 25/01/2023 17:53

Put in a new claim to CMS with the actual split of residence you have

SpinningFloppa · 25/01/2023 17:55

This is going to just be a thread full of people telling you to go to CMS so is there a reason you haven’t already?

Original poster
Snailstorm · 25/01/2023 17:56

I don't really know how it works and I didn't want to cause drama between us when things are already bad and like I said because he's saying it's "my choice" to not go get our son in the mornings how will that work?

OP posts:
WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 17:57

It’s tricky because I was 100% with you until you said that you moved and now won’t do drop off and pick up. That’s the only part where I thought that actually you should be facilitating 50%. Aside from that, he should be doing his 50% - what alternative options are there for transport?

Original poster
Snailstorm · 25/01/2023 18:00

None really as I can't afford taxis and it's too far to walk since my son gets upset tries to break out of his pushchair if he's in it too long (he can't walk as he runs away)

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 25/01/2023 18:02

You moving away is a red herring. I assume you do the school runs on those mornings to facilitate him?

RandomMess · 25/01/2023 18:02

If you claim CMS you should be able to afford a cab to share pick up?

Have you applied for mobility allowance is your DC can't cope with the bus?

Your ex is an arse for not doing pick up and drop off now it's not 50:50 even if you have moved a little further away.

4thonthe4th · 25/01/2023 18:04

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 17:57

It’s tricky because I was 100% with you until you said that you moved and now won’t do drop off and pick up. That’s the only part where I thought that actually you should be facilitating 50%. Aside from that, he should be doing his 50% - what alternative options are there for transport?

This. You really needed to consider the logistics of facilitating contact with his dad when you moved.

Other than that, file a claim with CMS.

Justcallmebebes · 25/01/2023 18:04

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 17:57

It’s tricky because I was 100% with you until you said that you moved and now won’t do drop off and pick up. That’s the only part where I thought that actually you should be facilitating 50%. Aside from that, he should be doing his 50% - what alternative options are there for transport?

Eh? She's moved a 10 minute drive away. He drives so what's the problem?

OP contact CMS. He's royally taking the piss and the last thing you should be worrying about is upsetting the deadbeat dad

Original poster
Snailstorm · 25/01/2023 18:07

Theres no school run our son is not at school right now because we couldn't find one that could meet his needs, he's been accepted at a specialist one now but we don't have a start date yet and I'm not sure how the school run is going to work yet, I assume we will get transport provided

OP posts:
WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 18:09

Justcallmebebes · 25/01/2023 18:04

Eh? She's moved a 10 minute drive away. He drives so what's the problem?

OP contact CMS. He's royally taking the piss and the last thing you should be worrying about is upsetting the deadbeat dad

Show quote history

The “problem” is that OP is demanding he not do 50% (which was their agreement) because she won’t do any transport even though she’s the one who moved. If she tries to get CM then he could go to court for 50%, would almost certainly get it and get an order demanding she do (at least half) the transport because she moved away, not him.

Unfortunately, OP can’t have her cake and eat it too.

SecretVictoria · 25/01/2023 18:10

Justcallmebebes · 25/01/2023 18:04

Eh? She's moved a 10 minute drive away. He drives so what's the problem?

OP contact CMS. He's royally taking the piss and the last thing you should be worrying about is upsetting the deadbeat dad

Show quote history

If the roles were reversed and OP’s ex had moved, she’d be told he should do the extra travelling.

Theunamedcat · 25/01/2023 18:13

It's a ten minute drive the child has sen no decent judge would force a child who cannot tolerate a bus environment onto the bus because his dad is a wanker who won't drive ten fucking minutes

Theunamedcat · 25/01/2023 18:14

SecretVictoria · 25/01/2023 18:10

If the roles were reversed and OP’s ex had moved, she’d be told he should do the extra travelling.

Show quote history

For ten minutes she would be told she was being petty

LakieLady · 25/01/2023 18:14

Definitely apply to CMS, OP, he should be contributing to the cost of bringing up his child.

I'd also recommend you apply for DLA for your son. CAB or similar advice agency will be able to help you with the forms. My friend got it for her autistic son from that age.

Dutch1e · 25/01/2023 18:16

SecretVictoria · 25/01/2023 18:10

If the roles were reversed and OP’s ex had moved, she’d be told he should do the extra travelling.

Show quote history

Bollocks. She'd be told that after skipping 50 nights (50!!!) the least she could do is drive to the other parent's house to collect her child with significant needs. How many 10 mins do you have to string together to add up to 24 hrs x 50?

poetryandwine · 25/01/2023 18:17

OP,

Even if money is tight you need a solicitor.

You need a legal custody agreement and you need a way to hold your ex to it. Explain that in theory you have 50-50 but the reality is very different. If the way forward is child support, FGS go through CMS.

I don’t see why moving a couple of miles should matter but I suspect you will need to provide half of the transport for your DC. That is only fair. Again you need legal advice, not our opinions. Good luck

Ponderingwindow · 25/01/2023 18:22

Is he just taking your son overnight or is he actually parenting for a full 24 hours and taking actual responsibility for his full parenting time?

Original poster
Snailstorm · 25/01/2023 18:28

Just for the record I didn't move out of choice, I was evicted from my last house due to the landlady wanting to sell the house, then I was homeless and was offered this council house and I had to take what was offered I couldn't really be picky about the area

OP posts:
Original poster
Snailstorm · 25/01/2023 18:33

Ponderingwindow · 25/01/2023 18:22

Is he just taking your son overnight or is he actually parenting for a full 24 hours and taking actual responsibility for his full parenting time?

The arrangement is he has our son for the full day Wednesdays and every other weekend, the other days it's just evening/night, so it's still not actually 50/50 as I have him much more during the days, but he works

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 25/01/2023 18:36

As you were the one who moved then it is up to you to be the one to do the travelling.

However, it’s pretty shitty of him to not bring him back if it’s only a 10min drive and your son gets distressed on the bus.

Why can’t he have overnights when he’s not working?
Surely the best thing would be for him to have him EOW and then try and see him a couple of times during the week for a couple of hours.

You need to say that you cannot get the bud or taxi and so he needs to have him on his days off and that if he’s not having him 50/50 or at least EOW, then he needs to start paying maintenance.

GabriellaMontez · 25/01/2023 18:36

It's nowhere near 50/50.

Apply for cms.

Is he employed?

Dontknownow86 · 25/01/2023 18:36

It's his 'choice' not to drive 10 measly minutes to see his child. I could understand if it was an hour plus but 10 mins?? How pathetic of him!

Cocobutt · 25/01/2023 18:37

How many miles away have you moved?

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