To think my ex should pay me child support?

[Snailstorm]

I have a 5 year old son, I split up with his dad when he was 1 year old. He's supposed to take him 50/50 so 3 or 4 nights a week and he used to, but ever since he got a new girlfriend about 1.5 years ago he's been taking him less and less. I've probably taken our son at least an extra 50 nights over that time, whether it's because his dad has a cold, "feels dizzy" or is just "too stressed" plus his mum died last year and he used that for a while as a reason to barely see our son, because he was upset about his mum, or going to visit her when she was in hospital and didn't want to take our son etc. I was nice about it for a while but now Ive had enough and feel like he's taking the piss.

I moved house a couple of months ago and now I'm a bit further away from where he lives, it used to be only 2 mins drive/10 min walk, now its about a 10 minute drive or 40 minute walk. He drives and I don't so usually he would pick up our son and drop him off. Our son is severely autistic and its a nightmare taking him on buses and really stressful. Now ive moved he says he doesnt want to drive here to bring him back in the mornings and so i have to get the bus and go collect our son for 730am as he starts work at 8. I don't want to do that as it is just too stressful with the risk of my son having a meltdown on the bus. So for the last 2 months he's only been taking our son 2 nights a week as I tell him to bring him back the night before. He says since that's "my choice" he doesn't have to pay me child support. But its not really my choice, I would actually love more time to myself to get a proper night's sleep! But with the way my son is its just too difficult to take him on the bus in the morning. I want to learn to drive myself so I can just drive to collect him but I don't have the free time or money.

He was meant to have him last night but didn't because his girlfriend has covid, and he won't even tell me when he's taking him next.

He also will never do the same for me, even if I'm really ill or injured he would not take our son an extra night to help me, once i hurt my back and couldnt even stand up i had to just crawl around and he wouldnt take our son an extra night. but I'm expected to take our son whenever he wants and if I complain he gets angry and acts like I'm being nasty for no reason, if I get upset and cry he says I'm faking it and calls me a narcissist.

He also is nearly always late when he does take our son and never apologises or explains why, but the times I've been to collect our son he will keep texting me making sure I'm going to be exactly on time (which I always am).

This just isn’t true, it’s decided on a case by case basis.

I have similar circs to OP and my ex was ordered to do all the travelling in our CAO.

The court will make a decision based on what’s best for the child, in this case I can’t see that as being anything other than dad does the travel. It’s the best option for the poor kid who can’t cope with public transport due to their SEN. A child who’s already had to move homes due to homelessness which is traumatic in itself.

Sad that dad won’t understand that by travelling 10 mins he’s helping his child not doing a favour for the mum.

I’m a literal lawyer 😂

He‘ll just go to court and get a court order for 50%.

So he's never actually had 50/50 care, just 50% of nights, which is what counts for CMS. He's never done 50% of the parenting because you still do the child care on his days. He's never paid for childcare, he's never paid CMS because 50% of nights even though he's actually doing a much smaller percentage of child care.

The reality has always been very different to what most posters are imagining when you said 50/50 care and then that you moved 10 minutes away. You are doing vast majority of care for a disabled child and his Dad isn't even willing to do 20 minutes of driving so he can see his son and then so you can look after your joint child for free. Go to CMS and get this formalised through court, if he wants 50/50 he needs to do school runs and provide or pay for holiday care and before/after school care on his days. Then you'll get a break and once DS is settled into school you'd have the opportunity to work part time on the days (not just nights) his Dad has DS

Maybe so, but as the PP has said, the CMS do not base their calculation on a court order. They base payments on the actual overnights the parent is having the child. So if he manages to get a court order saying 50/50 but isn't sticking to it for whatever reason, the OP can produce evidence to CMS of this and they will recalculate the maintenance accordingly.

But he would stick to it. OP is the one refusing to stick to 50/50 right now. We’ve all heard and understood OP’s reasons and perspective but there’s a lot here that a court will not be on her side for. It will look bad in court.

It will look bad that she moved away. It will look bad that she reduced contact. It will look bad she won’t walk or use a pram or take a bus or get a lift or take a taxi or get a car herself. It will look bad that she’s seeking CM instead of going back to 50/50. It’s all a bit too convenient in the eyes of a judge. We can all support OP because we understand what she’s told us but in an adversarial environment where he is putting forward his version of things, it won’t look this way.

I just don’t see the benefit in giving OP, what will ultimately turn out to be, bad advice just because it’s well-intentioned and what she deserves to hear.

Please explain how it will be look bad that the OP moved 10 mins away?

And he won't stick to it unless he agrees to do the pick ups and drop offs as the OP cannot. And then it'll be back to the original agreement which the OP seems to have been happy with until the difficulty with the travelling came up.

Even if it goes back to him stating "I want 50%". The OP can leave it a few months, and then guage how much he's actually having the child overnight and then contact CMS anyway when it goes back to less than 50% when dad can't have the child because he is "dizzy".

She moved to somewhere where she couldn’t facilitate contact with his dad, it shows it wasn’t a priority to her. In itself, it’s something that would be explained by her circumstances as necessary. When you combine it will all the other factors, it will look intentional to sabotage the relationship so she can get child support. It’s a piece in the puzzle.

People on here can get as irate as they like but it doesn’t change the reality of the situation.

I’d message him the link to the CMS calculator and say that now you’re not doing 50/50 he needs to pay maintenance. If he raises the fact he’s dropping him as you don’t want to get the bus I’d just tell him that’s down to his son’s medical condition

Regardless, won’t this all be resolved as soon as he’s on the school transport and they can collect him from one parent and drop him at another so no parent needs to go back and forth?

Can’t he think that he’s driving his son back to you not to help you but to help his son.

The reality of the situation is, in the current affordable housing crisis, I'm pretty sure a judge would actually commend her for managing to find accommodation ONLY 10 mins away from the non resident parent because it could have been a lot worse. As a PP said, it is not unheard of for Judges to put in conditions that the person who didn't move away does all of the travelling, IF that is the best thing for the child.

Exactly. Ten minutes drive is not far at all. Is the place, accommodation, local environment better adapted to the son’s needs?

It’s not unheard of, you’re right. But should we be advising OP based on what is remotely possible or based on what is highly likely?

Originally he said that he would still do the driving, he changed his mind after I had moved

He would rather miss out on seeing child than drive 2 miles…this loser isn’t going to court. So deep breathe, don’t stress and get child maintenance.

You’re a ‘literal lawyer’.

I’m sure you are.

He claims he can’t drive 10 minutes away to see his child. This is clearly nonsense. If you learnt to drive and we’re able to drop off he’d find a new excuse not to see DS.

You've agreed a contact schedule. He has chosen not to bother with contact for much of the time. So he should be paying maintenance.

Start keeping notes of the time he does spend so you know how little it is.

You say you don’t want to go to CMS as it will create a bad atmosphere with him. Despite the fact that he shows you and your son zero respect and has no problem making you both his lowest priorities.

So you need to decide whether you want the money or a quiet life. Either way, I wouldn’t be chasing after him to remind him of contact or trying to make it happen. It’s really sad for your son, but you can’t change this lazy, selfish man into a caring father.

But it’s not highly likely though, you surely as a lawyer understand it’s simply not that cut and dried. If you can’t then that is very concerning for your clients.

She didn’t move for the fun of it, she was made homeless and managed to get appropriate housing 2 miles away. This I’m my experience wouldn’t be seen as a bad thing.

OP phone CMS and leave it in their hands. And no more of this collecting your child at 7.30am if dad can’t be arsed to put his child in the car and drive for a few minutes.

@WindscreenWipe needs to change that name to Arsewipe - much more fitting for a goady twat who's just trying to needle the OP for the sake of it. Who in their right minds thinks moving 10 minutes away after being evicted would be looked on badly by the Courts, compared to the tosser donor who can't be arsed to give his child a lift?

Does he drive to work, if so can't he drop him off. If you'd moved to another town and it was a 2 hr drive I'd say the travel was on you, but 10 mins is nothing.

There's no way Arsewipe (sorry I mean @WindscreenWipe) is a solicitor! @WindscreenWipe is a nasty piece of work who enjoys stamping on people for kicks. You can see the pure enjoyment in the words.

@Snailstorm please don't be afraid to apply for maintenance. Tell your ex to crack on with his 50/50 claim, you have proof enough that all he's done is make your life harder. I'm sure the majority of judges would be looking at the time spent before and after the actual sleeping time when judging whether the child is actually getting quality time with the absent parent.

OP has only moved 10 minutes drive away. I mean my child’s school is 12 minutes drive away and I have to take her there daily and back so I don’t know how a responsible father who really wants to see their child can’t drive 10 minutes there and back. How many people live 2 minutes drive away from their exes.
You need to apply for CMS surely as he’s surely not doing enough

Just for the absolute bonkers people on this thread, moving 2 miles from anyone is not "moving away."

This dickhead ex has tried to apply the narrative that OP has "moved away" because it supports his crap and selfish parenting, or rather lackthereof. OP has had this phrase virtually drummed into her every time he uses it as an excuse, so is now declaring she's moved away. OP, you have not. If you live within 2 miles of someone, especially someone that drives, you essentially couldn't live any closer. He's a dick, and you're being sucked into his bull.

So who's doing all the days if he's mostly just doing nights on his 50%? I'd say you want to split to 50/50 including days. He should be doing his fair amount of 24h shifts.

If he's refusing to drop off in the car what would he do if you just didn't pick up? Presumably he needs to get to work and uses you for the daily childcare? Or is DS in nursery?