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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex should pay me child support?

77 replies

Snailstorm · 25/01/2023 17:49

I have a 5 year old son, I split up with his dad when he was 1 year old. He's supposed to take him 50/50 so 3 or 4 nights a week and he used to, but ever since he got a new girlfriend about 1.5 years ago he's been taking him less and less. I've probably taken our son at least an extra 50 nights over that time, whether it's because his dad has a cold, "feels dizzy" or is just "too stressed" plus his mum died last year and he used that for a while as a reason to barely see our son, because he was upset about his mum, or going to visit her when she was in hospital and didn't want to take our son etc. I was nice about it for a while but now Ive had enough and feel like he's taking the piss.

I moved house a couple of months ago and now I'm a bit further away from where he lives, it used to be only 2 mins drive/10 min walk, now its about a 10 minute drive or 40 minute walk. He drives and I don't so usually he would pick up our son and drop him off. Our son is severely autistic and its a nightmare taking him on buses and really stressful. Now ive moved he says he doesnt want to drive here to bring him back in the mornings and so i have to get the bus and go collect our son for 730am as he starts work at 8. I don't want to do that as it is just too stressful with the risk of my son having a meltdown on the bus. So for the last 2 months he's only been taking our son 2 nights a week as I tell him to bring him back the night before. He says since that's "my choice" he doesn't have to pay me child support. But its not really my choice, I would actually love more time to myself to get a proper night's sleep! But with the way my son is its just too difficult to take him on the bus in the morning. I want to learn to drive myself so I can just drive to collect him but I don't have the free time or money.

He was meant to have him last night but didn't because his girlfriend has covid, and he won't even tell me when he's taking him next.

He also will never do the same for me, even if I'm really ill or injured he would not take our son an extra night to help me, once i hurt my back and couldnt even stand up i had to just crawl around and he wouldnt take our son an extra night. but I'm expected to take our son whenever he wants and if I complain he gets angry and acts like I'm being nasty for no reason, if I get upset and cry he says I'm faking it and calls me a narcissist.

He also is nearly always late when he does take our son and never apologises or explains why, but the times I've been to collect our son he will keep texting me making sure I'm going to be exactly on time (which I always am).

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 25/01/2023 18:37

Get social services assessment forcrespite care children with disabilities and tell them he does not provide care

Dontknownow86 · 25/01/2023 18:40

Cocobutt · 25/01/2023 18:37

How many miles away have you moved?

40 min walk would be at or under 2 miles for most people. It's hardly a different county!

Original poster
Snailstorm · 25/01/2023 18:42

2 miles

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 25/01/2023 18:42

Make sure you apply for DLA and Carers allowance. Please see the CAB and let them help you. Of course he should be paying maintenance, don't discuss it with him, just put in the application. If he's employed, PAYE, it's easy to do. He's being an absolute prick.

Lenald · 25/01/2023 18:42

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 17:57

It’s tricky because I was 100% with you until you said that you moved and now won’t do drop off and pick up. That’s the only part where I thought that actually you should be facilitating 50%. Aside from that, he should be doing his 50% - what alternative options are there for transport?

But unfortunately all of that is irrelevant when it comes to child support.

He legally has to pay.

FlippityFlippityFlop · 25/01/2023 18:43

Its a 10min drive. Are people really suggesting that the OP needed to stay in exactly the same street! General area , perhaps, which thus would most definitely fall under.

debbs77 · 25/01/2023 18:44

Time for CMS, mediation and court (you can self represent) to get some order in place for your son. I don't envy you and wonder why so many NRP think this is ok

Cocobutt · 25/01/2023 18:45

2 miles

Then he is literally just be difficult to be difficult.

I would tell him he either does the drop off and picks ups or you’re going to have to claim maintenance to pay the bus fare.

The fact that he knows his son gets distressed on the bus but still allows it for 2 measly miles is disgusting.

Blueisthecolor · 25/01/2023 18:49

He's being a total arsehole not driving him back 10mins. Apply for cms absolutely and if he wants to go for 50/50 (given he hasn't even done that anyway) then let him but I doubt he wld! U cld use some of the extra cash Ul get from him to pay for a taxi. I'd say I'd drop ur son off though, get a taxi there and walk back home urself the 40mins. He can bring him back in the morning (no doubt he won't agree to that either coz he's a dick).

Lenald · 25/01/2023 18:50

I hated when my ex would have me drive the kids around everywhere bc he cba to learn. I didn’t want to do all the transport either.

Heatwavenotify · 25/01/2023 18:51

Op please ignore people suggesting you MUST be at father of the year’s house at 7.30am to pick up an autistic child that will have a meltdown on public transport because you dared to move 10 mins away 🙄 Utter nonsense!

CMS claim like the sensible posters have suggested.

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 18:53

Lenald · 25/01/2023 18:42

But unfortunately all of that is irrelevant when it comes to child support.

He legally has to pay.

Show quote history

Except, as I said, if she tries to get CM then he’ll just insist on going back to 50:50 and OP will have to deal with doing the transport she’s not willing to do.

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 18:56

FlippityFlippityFlop · 25/01/2023 18:43

Its a 10min drive. Are people really suggesting that the OP needed to stay in exactly the same street! General area , perhaps, which thus would most definitely fall under.

People are suggesting (exactly as a court would suggest) that OP (and every other parent) should remain within a distance that means that each parent can do half the drop offs and pick ups. OP didn’t do that and it’ll come back to bite her if he goes to court because she wants to reduce his contact because of it. We can all come on here and bullshit OP but then she’ll end up making her life harder on that back of that. How does that actually help OP?

HughGrantsHair · 25/01/2023 19:44

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 18:56

People are suggesting (exactly as a court would suggest) that OP (and every other parent) should remain within a distance that means that each parent can do half the drop offs and pick ups. OP didn’t do that and it’ll come back to bite her if he goes to court because she wants to reduce his contact because of it. We can all come on here and bullshit OP but then she’ll end up making her life harder on that back of that. How does that actually help OP?

Show quote history

Did you miss the part that the OP moved 10 mins further away due to being made homeless? It wasn't just for the sake of it.

Make a claim to CMS OP and state the actual amount of nights he has had over the past 6-12 months, not his quoted 50% that he isn't sticking to.

If he demands it goes back to 50% to get out of paying any child support, he'll need to start doing the drop offs to facilitate it because the OP cannot.

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 19:47

HughGrantsHair · 25/01/2023 19:44

Did you miss the part that the OP moved 10 mins further away due to being made homeless? It wasn't just for the sake of it.

Make a claim to CMS OP and state the actual amount of nights he has had over the past 6-12 months, not his quoted 50% that he isn't sticking to.

If he demands it goes back to 50% to get out of paying any child support, he'll need to start doing the drop offs to facilitate it because the OP cannot.

Show quote history

I sympathise but it doesn’t change the facts of the situation.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/01/2023 19:53

Have you ever spoken to or contacted CMS? They are there for a reason. You need to smart up on this and quickly.

Your ex is taking the piss and he knows it. He's just relying on you not working out what your rights are. So you need to sort it out.

My ex used to claim he did 50/50 child care. He didn't do anything like it; just used to hand the kids over to his Mum and watch football at the pub.

Wise up.

HughGrantsHair · 25/01/2023 19:53

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 19:47

I sympathise but it doesn’t change the facts of the situation.

Show quote history

Are you honestly saying a judge would tell the OP that she should have lived on the streets in her old hometown, rather than move 10 mins away after being made homeless, so that her ex didn't have to travel 10 mins more to do pick up/drop offs because their young child has additional needs that mean public transport isn't suitable?

Lenald · 25/01/2023 19:54

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 18:53

Except, as I said, if she tries to get CM then he’ll just insist on going back to 50:50 and OP will have to deal with doing the transport she’s not willing to do.

Show quote history

It doesn’t work like that. The circumstances atm are that he has DC 2 nights a week, CMS don’t care if he wants to change it back, they are going to base it on how it is now and if he wants to change it to 50/50 he’ll have to do the travelling, that’s if Mum agrees, because changing the arrangement requires both parties to agree or a court order, if neither of them two things happen he’ll be paying.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 25/01/2023 19:56

@Snailstorm

It all comes down to what he earns and if he's on benefits etc. Because if he (or potentially someone he living with? I can't remember if partners benefits qualify) is on certain benefits then you get something ridiculous like £7 a week.

If that's the case, I wouldn't say anything to him, because he might be an arse and refuse to take him for a few months, and that's just not worth it, for you not to have a break or DS not to see his dad.

If he's on a decent wage, absolutely go for CMS. Granted you still might get the arsey reaction, but it also might actually prompt him to provide the care for his son that he should. At least you will have his financial support, because you're not getting that, or the physical support at the moment.

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 19:56

HughGrantsHair · 25/01/2023 19:53

Are you honestly saying a judge would tell the OP that she should have lived on the streets in her old hometown, rather than move 10 mins away after being made homeless, so that her ex didn't have to travel 10 mins more to do pick up/drop offs because their young child has additional needs that mean public transport isn't suitable?

Show quote history

That’s very clearly not what I said. Did you read what I said? What I said was that a judge would expect each parent to do 50% of the transport, especially given that OP moved. 50% means 50%. It doesn’t mean “50% except the bits that he’s expected to do 100%”.

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 19:57

Lenald · 25/01/2023 19:54

It doesn’t work like that. The circumstances atm are that he has DC 2 nights a week, CMS don’t care if he wants to change it back, they are going to base it on how it is now and if he wants to change it to 50/50 he’ll have to do the travelling, that’s if Mum agrees, because changing the arrangement requires both parties to agree or a court order, if neither of them two things happen he’ll be paying.

Show quote history

But the arrangement was changed solely by OP’s demand, so that excuse won’t wash. It was 50/50 until OP moved and demanded a change - he’d be requesting a return to the status quo and the prior agreement

HughGrantsHair · 25/01/2023 19:59

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 19:56

That’s very clearly not what I said. Did you read what I said? What I said was that a judge would expect each parent to do 50% of the transport, especially given that OP moved. 50% means 50%. It doesn’t mean “50% except the bits that he’s expected to do 100%”.

Show quote history

A judge won't expect a person to do transport if they have no transport! If the OP had a car and was refusing then what you're saying could well be true. But she doesn't drive. She had to move. The dad drives.

I don't see the point in him having the child over night when he's expecting the child to be collected at 7:30am anyway. Clearly he's just benefitting from the extra night for 50/50 purposes and not actually doing any parenting on that day.

Lenald · 25/01/2023 20:06

WindscreenWipe · 25/01/2023 19:57

But the arrangement was changed solely by OP’s demand, so that excuse won’t wash. It was 50/50 until OP moved and demanded a change - he’d be requesting a return to the status quo and the prior agreement

Show quote history

Again - irrelevant.

Unfair maybe, but irrelevant to CMS.

They only care about how many nights DC stays with Dad and as I said he can’t change it without Mums agreement or a court order.

It’s just the way the law works.

Lenald · 25/01/2023 20:09

HughGrantsHair · 25/01/2023 19:59

A judge won't expect a person to do transport if they have no transport! If the OP had a car and was refusing then what you're saying could well be true. But she doesn't drive. She had to move. The dad drives.

I don't see the point in him having the child over night when he's expecting the child to be collected at 7:30am anyway. Clearly he's just benefitting from the extra night for 50/50 purposes and not actually doing any parenting on that day.

Show quote history

PP is very passionate which is fair enough but is ill-informed. What PP thinks is ‘right’ or ‘just’ is getting confused with the actual law - that doesn’t care about any of our opinions.

The morals and ethics of the parties involved are irrelevant here. CMS will make him pay, and he cannot insist on 50/50.

That may be unfair, but it’s the law.

gogohmm · 25/01/2023 20:10

If he is 50/50 it should be half the week including daytime if he's not in school or childcare. Based on that alone he needs tj pay maintenance