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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave him to figure it out himself?

103 replies

daiseydreamer · 25/01/2023 07:53

Husband and I are separating, I ended our marriage for various reasons, the way he parents our children, his lack of responsibility, not feeling equal or supported. Him being in denial about his mental health issues, potentially undiagnosed adhd/autism but absolutely no willingness to explore this or change. I just felt alone and as though he was another child I had to guide through life.

We're currently still living together as neither of us has anywhere else to go. The house has been up for sale for a couple of weeks and we've just had an offer we're going to accept.

He's asked me if I will help him sort out where to live when the house is sold. Part of me thinks, no you're on your own now so figure it out. The other part of me knows he cannot do it himself and doesn't have anyone else to help him.

Starting to feel all kinds of guilt on how he's going to cope moving forward. He has a lot of mental health issues which he just isn't facing up to but I've spent years gently and at times brutally trying to support but getting nowhere.

Would it be unreasonable to just leave him to figure it out himself.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 25/01/2023 07:56

I’d say Yanbu. You need a cut off point and this is a good time to stop being just wife/mother - neither are your role. It sounds like he won’t change so there will be a constant flow of requests for help. If he can’t help himself, then he needs to learn how to help himself because this is part of the whole problem.

W0tnow · 25/01/2023 07:59

Can he in any way hold up the sale if you don’t help? If the answer is yes, then help him.

DinDjarin · 25/01/2023 08:00

The other part of me knows he cannot do it himself
If you genuinely think that, the issue for me would be: how will this affect my DC on his contact time. If you think that it would negatively affect them, then I think I would help to set him up somewhere.

GoldilockMom · 25/01/2023 08:01

Is he going into rented? Then send links to agencies
If not signpost the estate agent’s.

Then say these people are the experts and will guide you through the process.

Other than that leave him too it

Whiskers4 · 25/01/2023 08:02

Part reason you're leaving him is that you have to provide too much support already and it's got too much. It stops here, you're separating and he will have to take responsibility himself. He's had his chance with you to get support from outside and hasn't taken it. You've got enough on your plate, the DC, the house move and sorting your own accommodation.

Warspite · 25/01/2023 08:02

You’ll have enough on your plate with your own move & resettlement with kids.
Stop mothering him.
Your job is done. Stay out of it.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 25/01/2023 08:03

You are separating because you don't want to do the adulting for both of you.

If you are now going to sort out his living arrangements etc, then you may as well remain together 🤦🏻‍♀️

He needs to stand on his own two feet or you'll end up parenting him for the rest of his life.

Draw a line in the sand now and move on, it's in both of your interests. The sooner he starts looking after himself the quicker he'll get used to it.

MichelleScarn · 25/01/2023 08:04

Absolutely not your job to help him. Why should it be. Does he work? Have a smart phone? Yes to these and he can find out himself, otherwise all the things you're divorcing him for will continue on.

Pardon44 · 25/01/2023 08:06

You have kids . I think it's in their best interests that you support him to find appropriate accommodation. He's your kids dad and ultimately his wellbeing is linked to their happiness. You don't need to do it for him but I think you should do it for them.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2023 08:07

If he can drive and hold down a job then he is not incompetent. Just can't take responsibility for himself (for whatever reason).

Nothing stopping him asking friends or colleagues for advice or support.

Hoppinggreen · 25/01/2023 08:08

I might help him a bit, but only to speed things up rather than for his benefit

Hankunamatata · 25/01/2023 08:09

I'd give him contact details for shelter and let them talk to him.

Aprilx · 25/01/2023 08:09

I don’t think you should have to help him at all.

But I think, in the circumstances, I would, just this very last time.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/01/2023 08:11

I would under other circumstances say no. But you think he has asd / ADHD which is a disability. Your kids dad who you think has a disability is asking you for help finding somewhere to live. If the kids are ever going to have overnights with him then I'd say yes, and provide help on your terms, otherwise you might find he ends up somewhere really unsuitable for the kids (eg rural if they are teens, in a flat share with other men, no spare room, loads of stairs if toddler etc etc)

Ponoka7 · 25/01/2023 08:13

Pardon44 · 25/01/2023 08:06

You have kids . I think it's in their best interests that you support him to find appropriate accommodation. He's your kids dad and ultimately his wellbeing is linked to their happiness. You don't need to do it for him but I think you should do it for them.

My DD, who is autistic works full time, but she couldn't navigate the housing etc system. For that reason we've all helped her to get a mortgage. I agree with a pp that it's in your children's best interests that he is adequately housed. Because of that, I'd help him this one last time. There's a lack of understanding about adults who have ASD/ADHD and how overwhelming things can be, so nothing can be done.

MontyK · 25/01/2023 08:14

I would help, as PP said, do it for your kids rather than him.

However, I'd throw the ball back in his court and ask him to explain exactly what it is he needs help with rather than you trying to solve all of his problems.

I mean presumably he knows what an estate agent is? Or how to search for a property online? Only you know whether he is lazy, incompetent or does he have learning difficulties?

Outtasteamandluck · 25/01/2023 08:15

I'm conflicted on what I think. Yes you can help him and probably just to speed things up. But what is he learning from it if you do? As he's now a single man he's going to have to learn to do a lot of stuff for himself.

emptythelitterbox · 25/01/2023 08:17

He can ask friends or family for help with it. He can literally google it.

He doesn't have the right to any wife duties from you.

Heronswater · 25/01/2023 08:18

Whiskers4 · 25/01/2023 08:02

Part reason you're leaving him is that you have to provide too much support already and it's got too much. It stops here, you're separating and he will have to take responsibility himself. He's had his chance with you to get support from outside and hasn't taken it. You've got enough on your plate, the DC, the house move and sorting your own accommodation.

This. A friend of mine, of whom I am fond, but who was a dreadful spouse, initiated a divorce, and then stayed living for almost a year in the marital home with his distressed wife (who didn’t want the split) until she researched local rentals, helped him buy furniture and arranged a removal van. I think she may have waited in for appliances to be delivered at his new place. Don’t be that woman.

DDivaStar · 25/01/2023 08:23

Is there really no one else to help him ?

I don't see any problem with bring involved to help him, after all it will also be your kids home. Also to prevent any delays. But ultimately he's an adult, he needs to be in charge of his own living arrangements.

ButterflyOil · 25/01/2023 08:27

Is he really not capable of doing it? Is he unable to work because of his mental health issues for example? If this is the case surely he needs a support worker or some sort of intervention from a community mental health team to help him? Does he receive any support for his MH now? Diagnosis? Treatment? If it’s been that bad for years surely he’s known to services?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/01/2023 08:29

Ponoka7 · 25/01/2023 08:13

My DD, who is autistic works full time, but she couldn't navigate the housing etc system. For that reason we've all helped her to get a mortgage. I agree with a pp that it's in your children's best interests that he is adequately housed. Because of that, I'd help him this one last time. There's a lack of understanding about adults who have ASD/ADHD and how overwhelming things can be, so nothing can be done.

Show quote history

Presumably you and your dd sought a diagnosis? He isn't even willing to do that. Not even to save his marriage.

ILoveYouMoreTheEnd · 25/01/2023 08:29

This is such a hard one for you. I'm conflicted too. You still care for him or you wouldn't be asking this. Is he asking because you are his crutch or because he's genuinely anxious and lost. Could you give him a few starting points with making him sit with a notepad and make a list. Give him starting points on registering with estate agents and they can continue the guidance. The other side of me is saying don't do it, where does it stop? You will be holding his hand for the rest of your life. If it's just a nudge he needs with basic guidance initially I would say do it xx

Crazycrazylady · 25/01/2023 08:34

I think I'd help a little in that I would suggest to him that he contact estate agents etc but absolutely no practical support

LookItsMeAgain · 25/01/2023 08:44

I wouldn't actually do the search for him but I'd point him in the direction of where the help is, where the information is, that kind of thing.

Have you asked him why he want's you to help him find somewhere to live - what part of the process is leaving him flummoxed? If he could break it into manageable tasks, he should be able to get through it without much help from you.

Does he manage to hold down a job? What type of job does he have?

He's an adult so this is part and parcel of being an adult.

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