To leave him to figure it out himself?

[daiseydreamer]

Husband and I are separating, I ended our marriage for various reasons, the way he parents our children, his lack of responsibility, not feeling equal or supported. Him being in denial about his mental health issues, potentially undiagnosed adhd/autism but absolutely no willingness to explore this or change. I just felt alone and as though he was another child I had to guide through life.

We're currently still living together as neither of us has anywhere else to go. The house has been up for sale for a couple of weeks and we've just had an offer we're going to accept.

He's asked me if I will help him sort out where to live when the house is sold. Part of me thinks, no you're on your own now so figure it out. The other part of me knows he cannot do it himself and doesn't have anyone else to help him.

Starting to feel all kinds of guilt on how he's going to cope moving forward. He has a lot of mental health issues which he just isn't facing up to but I've spent years gently and at times brutally trying to support but getting nowhere.

Would it be unreasonable to just leave him to figure it out himself.

What help does he think he needs?

Say yes for now. If you say no he might throw a strop and say he's staying put.
Just say start looking on right move at rentals for now and look more seriously later.
Play the long game and know you have an end date to all this.

Your children need him to be in a stable home. And I reckon he could hold up the sale. He could literally refuse to leave.

I'd help him get into his own home then stop all help. And I'd literally say "right I've got you set up in your new home. You're on your own now, I won't be here to help you so you have to do what needs doing.

It depends on what you want. If what you want us to be free of him, help him now to get what you want long term

However, there's a difference between doing it for him and helping him. If he wants you to do it for him, I'd dig my heels in on principle. I would help him by insisting he is by my side as the work is done.

@daiseydreamer
I am in a very very similar situation to you. He did get assessed and now has an autism diagnosis but this took a lot and only came about due to an incident when everything came to a head and even then I had to do all the research, book the appt etc.

I generally go by the rule that if it benefits the kids and he really can't manage it then I will help. I have had to let go of a lot of frustration and anger surrounding "well he SHOULD be able to xyz" and accept that he just can't.
In your shoes I would help if it affects your children.
I tried to PM you but I couldn't get it to work. I'll just say, don't worry too much about what is "usually" done. If there's an arrangement that will suit you and the kids more than the "norm" then you can do that.

Thanks everyone, to answer some questions.

Yes he does work, he has a good job in construction but it suits him. He works on large scale jobs which are well planned. He follows a plan and so there is little thinking. He walks onto a job is handed the plan and he follows it.

I hadn't thought about it holding up the sale, I suppose their could be a delay in him leaving/refusing to leave if he has no where to go. He certainly is the type to bury his head in the sand.

My worry though is once I set him up he won't manage to maintain it. He is terrible with money so although he earns plenty and on paper wouldn't struggle financially to manage buying a home he can't budget. He's impulsive. He wont do things like plan meals and shop. If I don't cook he will just get a take away. If I don't make his lunch he'll just buy lunch and he isn't financially comfortable enough to live that lifestyle, he'll think nothing about whacking a large purchase on the credit card because he wants it but can't manage the payments to clear the debt. This is where he burys his head in the sand. When I met him he had significant debt which he just ignored. He recently splashed out a significant amount on a tv against my advice and stated he could pay it in 3 instalments to avoid the interest. I knew he wouldn't but I let it roll.. he hasn't paid and now has to pay monthly with huge interest added. He can't add these things up to budget and thinks if he can afford it. He sees it as, I have x amount left after I pay the bills but won't think but I'll need fuel to get to work so he'll spend all his money within a week of pay day and then cannot fuel his car. I've always managed this by taking most of his money and sending him money as/when needed.

I suppose I'll have to help him secure somewhere just to get the house sale through so I can get my money and move on and then at that point will have to be the cut off maybe.

I do care, I worry about him but also aware of the impact and pressure on me. It was hard to end it and make the choice to walk away, I do love him but I can't live this way when he isn't prepared to get help.

He has a very dictatorship parenting style which is the absolute opposite to me and it causes so many rows. It's not fair on the kids and I can't get him to even consider changing his ways but I also can't stand back and watch my children be shouted at because they aren't complying with a stupid demand. He hates toys out, he hates noise from iPads. They just can't do anything right and he blames them but it isn't, it's him. My children can't be subjected to this anymore so I'm left with no choice but to leave.

And what's sad is, he adores his children and genuinely thinks he's a good parent. He has no idea what parenting should look like and won't be guided. He says I'm too soft and creating spoilt kids but they aren't. They're just boundary pushing toddlers. It's things like, not allowing them to have toys out. Expecting them to sit, very old fashioned, children should be seen and not heard parenting. Because he was raised by his grandma and had adopted that style and thinks because he's ok then it's ok. He's not ok, he's been hugely damaged by his childhood but he just doesn't have the capacity to see it.

Absolutely not.

You're separating, you can not sort out his problems any more. What about when the next thing comes along that he ‘can’t do’. How long are his issues going to stay yours as well?

You’re so lovely.

but none of this is your problem.

As my kids would be affected as they’d be living there I’d help him find somewhere to live. Then he’s going to have to do stuff alone but moving is a big thing and sometimes you just want someone else’s thoughts on it.

Still none of this is your problem or your responsibility.

Does he not have siblings, family, friends?

Ok, so in that case, help get him out, and then your job is done.

if he yells at the kids, they won’t want to go there. It’s that simple. And if they don’t, it sounds as if he won’t be arsed to put anything formal or binding in place anyway. Like is too short to me a mother to a man child.

If you keep organising his life for him, when will he ever learn to do it himself? And when will you truly have a life of your own?

I would do it.

Because it will mean he has no reason to bugger round with the house sale, and it is in your DC's interests to have him settled somewhere suitable for contact and their continuing relationship with him.

But other than signposting estate agents and agencies, I wouldn't be proactive about this - his new home has to be his choice and it is for him to set it up when he's there. If he asks for help, then every time I would turn it back on him with "I'm not really sure, how do you think it could be done?"

Omg op you are married to my dh's identical twin.

No advice.. Still battling on with our marriage. It is very difficult isn't it?
Imo help him as much as you can until the divorce then draw a line. After all you deserve a fresh start.

I wouldn’t as I think it will just carry on expectation. Plus if it’s not right it will all be your fault. You aren’t a couple.

It's time for him to grow up and sort things out for himself.

No don’t.

He will miraculously begin to be able to do these things when he’s worked out his manipulation doesn’t control you anymore.

He’s not your child.

No he is an adult with SN...

OP I've been in a similar situation, but not married and no kids. Ex was chaotic, a financial mess (self employed), had some addiction/MH issues and incapable of running his own life - we were together a long time and all the financials, all the logistics etc were left to me. Like you, I had enough, but I knew if I wanted to leave 'cleanly' (for want of a better word), I would need to help him sort himself out. So:

I moved out (it was actually my house but I agreed to leave as he didn't want to)
I let him live there for a year on proviso he paid all the mortgage, bills himself, while he worked out what he wanted to do (and tbf he did)
I helped him sort out his finances, mortgage application etc
I helped him out with money a few times (not massively, and I could afford it)

Then when he'd bought me out, everything was sorted and there was no further impact / fallout for me, I quietly stepped away and left him to it. It took about 18 months altogether, and I shouldn't have needed to do it, but I did it a) because I knew he would really struggle to get himself sorted on his own and despite everything I still cared for / worried about him, and b) because it meant the split was smoother and I still had an element of control and would be less likely to get pulled into meltdowns and dramas about things going wrong.

A few years later I said to him that I never thought he'd stand on his own two feet and I was amazed he'd managed to sort himself out. His response was 'well I had to didn't I, I didn't have you to do everything for me any more!'

A few of my friends at the time said I was a mug for doing what I did, but I don't regret it.

I hate to point it out but by leaving you aren't going to escape the facilitating tasks.
Because you'll want the kids to have a dad in a good place you'll end up doing it.
It's shit. I feel for you.

Help him find somewhere to live then that's it. He'll have to figure it out, whether that's by addressing his issues and getting the help he needs externally or him struggling. It's his choice then.

So - once you're divorced, presumably he will want the DC to go stay with him? If so, how often?

How old are they? Is he safe to solo parent them? I'd be really concerned about this - you don't like his parenting style, he doesn't have accommodation sorted, your DC are loosing their current home too.

YANBU. You have to have a cut off and the end of your marriage will be that time or you'll never stop helping him.

It’s amazing how people will finally stand on their own two feet when their support is taken away. As long as you’re doing it for him, he won’t do it for himself.

I don't know really. It depends just how "bad" you think his MH is, and what will happen to him if he can't sort it. If you e.g. think he is genuinely incapable of sorting it and he will become homeless (with no friends or family to help him out) if you don't then I think I would help him get sorted. I, personally, couldn't leave someone I had spent much of my life with and father to my children to become homeless when I knew they genuinely couldn't manage to sort it. If however you know he can probably do it (even if not easy) and/or if he doesn't his family will take him in/ help him out, then it's a different story.