To leave him to figure it out himself?

[daiseydreamer]

Husband and I are separating, I ended our marriage for various reasons, the way he parents our children, his lack of responsibility, not feeling equal or supported. Him being in denial about his mental health issues, potentially undiagnosed adhd/autism but absolutely no willingness to explore this or change. I just felt alone and as though he was another child I had to guide through life.

We're currently still living together as neither of us has anywhere else to go. The house has been up for sale for a couple of weeks and we've just had an offer we're going to accept.

He's asked me if I will help him sort out where to live when the house is sold. Part of me thinks, no you're on your own now so figure it out. The other part of me knows he cannot do it himself and doesn't have anyone else to help him.

Starting to feel all kinds of guilt on how he's going to cope moving forward. He has a lot of mental health issues which he just isn't facing up to but I've spent years gently and at times brutally trying to support but getting nowhere.

Would it be unreasonable to just leave him to figure it out himself.

You can’t force a fully grown adult to get assessed, and OP has her own things to worry about right now. I’m sure she would have helped him with it in the past, but that ship has sailed.

Seeing your update - if he is handed a plan and he can work to the plan, put together a plan for him and hand it to him.

He works to that plan (which will include him packing up and leaving the house so that it can be sold) and that is the end of your involvement.

Write the plan but do nothing more. I would consider contacting relatives and advising them that you two are separating and it's very likely that your soon to be ex will be floundering but as he's not going to be your husband any more and he will still be their son/brother/cousin/whatever, they should help him out.

That really would be as much as I would do for someone like that.

I would help purely to ensure he doesn't hold up the house sale, there will be other people in the chain to consider as well. But apart from that, I wouldn't want to step up any more. He needs to genuinely realise that he is struggling and has to seek help for himself. Signposting him towards organisations that could help him would be sensible. It doesn't sound like he has a large social group of family and friends to lean on either, unfortunately.

Writing a plan of what he needs to do is good if he will accept that, hopefully he will see the sense in it.

Aside from that, I would ask for full custody as it doesn't sound like he will be able to parent effectively, eg relying on takeaways instead of meal planning and buying from a list isn't sustainable. He will also find that getting toddlers to co-operate by shouting at them is like herding cats and let's be honest, his parenting is heading towards abusiveness already. Imagine what it will be like for them growing up in fear of him? He probably finds their unpredictable behaviour stressful if they are very young, and might be a better parent to older kids. His current parenting style is very damaging though.

Yes I totally agree with you Naunet I was contradicting the doubters who say if he can cope at work he can cope in other environments and if he has autism this may not be the case.

Of course his refusal to get assessed means we, and he, will never know.

That’s a very good point from TheNoodlesIncident actually. It may only be clear to him how much he is struggling when op leaves and stops doing things for him.

Being pragmatic, I would help him find somewhere with a short term lease - say 6 months with the option to convert to rolling. That helps him, but primarily it helps you so you know there's not going to be anything slowing the house move and there's guaranteed to be somewhere to dump his boxes on moving day.

After that you have broken ties and can walk away as much as having kids together allows. He doesn't like it there? It's only 6 months. He spends all his money and has nothing left for rent? Very difficult but ultimately not your problem and perhaps a very important, late life lesson for him.

This. I'd do it for the kids sake, get him set up then thats it no more help.

Is he having the children or is it going to be you when you split. Just wondering if him going as a lodger is easiest solution if he’s not capable of caring from them overnight.

I'd send him a link to spareroom and wash my hands. Help him with this and he'll come running to you for everything else.

Would be tempted, as suggested above, to write a step-by-step plan for him to follow.

This could include signposting to help (e.g. Step 6 - do this. If there is a problem with this call/email X organisation for help). Only you know what level of direction would be needed.

You don't want to be in a situation where you are still doing the work, but equally there's no benefit to anyone in things falling apart.

Help him find a new place to live because if you don't he will hold up your house sale and your new future. Once he has moved and house is sold then drop the rope. You can't look after him forever...otherwise what was the point of separating in the first place.

So before he met me his with with someone for 13 years. He has children with her who are adults now, they live with us they're 20 and 21. When they split up he lodged with a friend so payed a really low amount to rent a room, no worry about bills. Didn't drive so got picked up for work.

He can't lodge now, he has 2 adults living with him also and a big worry of mine and a reason I've held on so long is that they'll be left picking up the pieces for him when he has no money at the end of the month but I can't make this my problem.

My children are 3&4, I do worry about them seeing him but also well aware that he does a good enough job so I'd have no justified reason to not allow him to have them. My eldest is suspected autistic, and I'd hoped seeing his struggles would bring on a bit of self realisation but he's in as much denial about our sons difficulties as he is his own. He thinks he's naughty and manipulative and won't work around his routines and rituals. I know my eldest won't want to go to his dad. He loves playing with his dad and they have a lovely relationship when my husband is in the right headspace but as soon as one of them struggles it becomes a battle of wills. My son will only come to me and wants me to do absolutely everything for him because his dad is too harsh. My son suffers highly with anxiety and worries about certain things and I have routines to combat that but my husband doesn't agree with them.

I've been very honest about the fact his child won't want to see him and I will never ever force him to come or send him kicking and screaming and neither will I deal with emotional meltdowns when he returns from a visit like I have to with school. He masks very well, my son will hold it all in on weekend visits but I'll pay the price when he gets home. This is exactly what happens at school. Part of my husbands argument is that he's fine because he's fine at school. And I say but look at him the minute he's home, that's not fine. But he's adamant that's him being manipulative! He just cannot get his head around it, assumably it because of his own issues.

That’s really impressive SublimeUrsula

I would help him but do the bare minimum, he needs to figure out some things himself.

He drives now.
He didn't then.
But he worked in construction then, people lift share within construction companies.

Of course not, it was all other peoples fault and I was quite clearly stupid and bought it!
Looking back in blindingly obvious but I didn't see it then.

You’ve got it be cruel to be kind OP.
Doing ‘one last thing’ for a man like this is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon of sand. You’ve said yourself your previous help and support has gotten you no where.

You say you know he can’t do it based on the fact he’s never done it because you’ve stepped in.
He doesn’t have an official dx of any of the issues you suspect so could as easily be feigning helplessness so you’ll do the grunt work.

It has to stop sometime. If he wants to have your kids in a safe house, he’s got to find it.

Line in the sand time. You are about to be a single parent sorting your own house and life admin. Focus on that.
If he is so incapable of meeting of his own basic needs he shouldn’t be having your kids unsupervised anyway.

Why is he not asking his adult children to help him?

I think they should be left out of it tbh. Twenty and twenty-one is such a crucial age when they are trying to break away from home and establish themselves on their own. I don’t think anything should interfere with that if at all possible. This happened to my dh and it has a profound affect on him even now.

Do as much as you have to to get rid of him.

Well done for putting your children first.

If you don't want to end up running two homes and end up as his carer, be very firm when you get him out that he will have to get on with it.

Your priority will be your children and he's hardly going to be much help there.