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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do young people (your children) over 18 still come first

76 replies

Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 22:10

Have one child who is 19. I still put him first, even before my relationship. I like to make sure he’s safe happy and supported to do anything he wants to do. I detect jealousy from my partner. Whenever I talk about my son- getting him a car or helping him to drive, taking him for a meal; could be anything, I sense my partner gets jealous and he will make a comment like oh well when he gets his own house this and that; or more fool him if he doesn’t want to car share with you. His tone always sounds negative and attacking. Feel like ditching him because although 19 is still my baby. He’s an only child. Should I start to prioritise the relationship or continue to support my son.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 24/01/2023 22:47

I've never seen it as a competition, so it isn't a case of "still" coming first.
Obviously as babies and tiny children they can't do anything for themselves or be left alone so do tend to take over your life more, but as they get older there have been all sorts of compromises that come as part of being part of a family.
I support my dc, but that doesn't mean I have ever given up my own life, or martyred myself.
My dc have understood that, as adults who want to drive, that involves them saving up to buy their own car - I know that is one example, but I don't think it does anyone any favours to be "putting them first" at a point when they should be becoming more independent.
Nothing wrong with treating your dc to things if you have plenty of spare money, but I am inferring from your post that you are sacrificing your own life to put everything on a plate for your ds ?

DeeCeeCherry · 24/01/2023 22:59

He's your Son. Nothing you've described wanting to do for him is out of the ordinary. At all. & Its not a competition whereby once you have a man in your life, your focus must shift only to him. You need to ditch your negative and attacking partner, because your son will be aware of his feelings; even taking your son for a meal starts him off carping?🙄. Do you tell him you dislike him being negative about your son? I hope so.

No doubt you'll mainly be advised to coddle your man so he feels warm and fuzzy again whilst he continues to neg you about your son. But tbh men can come and go. & If they're moany/negative they normally continue with that by finding something else to moan about.

Some people won't understand that all families are different. My DCs are late 20s but we're still close.Yet closeness here seems to be interpreted as 'You're not letting them be independent' as if once they're 18 it's right, that's it, you're on your own now. No wonder Gransnet is full of lamenting.

Anyway yeah, offspring before men please.

AnotherNameChanges · 24/01/2023 22:59

Children first 👍 always

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 24/01/2023 23:01

Your partner does sound horrible. I'd ditch

watcherintherye · 24/01/2023 23:02

There’s no way I’d be letting anyone dictate to me how to conduct the relationships between me and my dc.

Original poster
Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 23:03

I Definately live my life but always make sure my son is ok, help him to make good choices and help him financially. He does have a job and is saving for a car but he doesn’t know that I’m intending to help him maybe with paying for his insurance. I have mentioned it before but we had a big argument with him saying it’s how he talks and meant nothing by it. When I sense jealousy it puts me off him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 23:05

Are step parents naturally a little bit jealous of their partners children ? It’s not nice at all.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 24/01/2023 23:08

Me first, but willing to put myself out for others within reason. Children or partner prioritised according to precise need at the time.

I don’t see why helping your son to learn to drive or taking him for a meal takes anything away from your partner. Buying your son a car, however, is a major expense, and if that impacts on your family finances, I can understand your partner being miffed about it.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 24/01/2023 23:11

Children always come first, no matter how old.

SoShallINever · 24/01/2023 23:14

What does your son think of your partner?
He sounds like a bit of a knob to me.

Quiltedandwilted88 · 24/01/2023 23:20

18 is still quite young. Any bloke who is jealous of a teenager is waving a large red flag if you ask me.

Schnooze · 24/01/2023 23:22

You don’t stop caring just because they go from 17 to 18 to 19.

They are still our babies.

Florenz · 24/01/2023 23:22

You should prioritise your child but not to a ridiculous extent. He is an adult now.

Original poster
Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 23:23

My son hasn’t moaned really but says he’s annoying at times. My son is polite so wouldn’t be rude back but if I hear something I always jump in on the defence. My son is my financial responsibility so what I choose to spend my money on is up to me. We don’t live together.. for this very reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitchchantel · 24/01/2023 23:24

hes not mother cuddled at all. I allow him freedom, he works passed his driving test, he’s mature and responsible but I just can’t help doing all those motherly things. He’s not too spoiled but he’s my only child. I can’t help caring so much.

OP posts:
PlusLaMeme · 24/01/2023 23:25

My mum will walk on coals for my brother and me. When I was struggling as a new mum, she put her entire life on hold for over a year to help me out. She is the reason I still have a career today, as I suspect I'd have disappeared into my pnd fog.
Same with MIL for her children. Though we haven't needed to ask her for much, we know she'll be there for us.

My children will always come first for me. With no exceptions

nc1013 · 24/01/2023 23:27

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 24/01/2023 23:11

Children always come first, no matter how old.

This.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/01/2023 23:30

It's quite sad that you are choosing to share your life with a man who is jealous of, and begrudges, your son. How pathetic of him, and how very perplexing that you tolerate this.

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 24/01/2023 23:48

A stepfather here.

Children come first. Always. Without the need to think, ask questions or otherwise query. No need to be jealous of stepchildren, that's the natural order and as it should be. I'm fact, I put them first, too; I love my stepsons as my own sons, and I find it weird to refer to them as stepsons and myself as stepfather. Especially when I overheard one of them describing me as "dad" which actually made me cry. They also refer to their half-sister as just sister.

The children do and always will come first till my dying breath.

UsingChangeofName · 24/01/2023 23:49

I'm not sure we are all talking about the same thing.

People saying "Children come first always" or "Children come first no matter how old" is a strange way to live your life, and not really modelling great 'adulting' to your adult dc.
Adult dc should be able to see that sometimes your own needs come first.
On a basic level - if someone invites me for a meal with them, I'm not going to say "no, I need to stay home because I have raised an incompetent teen who can't get his own dinner", I'm going to think "How nice" and I will let him know I'm eating out.
There is something a bit odd about a 19 year old who expects their parents to be at their beck and call, prioritising their every need. I know the OP hasn't said that's what her ds does, I'm referring to the "my children will always come first" posters. At what point will you look after your own needs and wants ?

As I said in my first reply - it has never been a competition here, because I've raised adults who understand about compromise and turn taking and sharing and working round things together and so forth. But those blanket statements about "always" don't sound like a healthy parents / adult child relationship at all.

Gagagardener · 24/01/2023 23:53

It's about sharing: feelings, information, time and money. Your partner - if that's what he really is - needs to know how he fits into your life as well as how much your son means to you, and how you see your responsibilities as a mother. I think your son is entitled to this as well. Good luck.

Saracen · 25/01/2023 09:47

For me, it depends on the extent to which the young person actually needs my help. Cooking dinner and doing laundry? No, they can do it for themselves and develop their own life skills. Reading a contract for a rented house and advising whether there are any nasty clauses in it? Absolutely; I don't want them to get majorly screwed over because they didn't understand what they were signing.

Comefromaway · 25/01/2023 09:51

My children are 18, almost 19 and 21 and they still come first.

AnnieFarmer · 25/01/2023 09:59

My ds’s are 16 and 18. My boyfriend of 2 years has known from the outset that my children come first for me. He knew and expected that, I have never had to say it to him. I simply couldn’t be involved with someone who didn’t understand that. I think your relationship with your ds sounds lovely.

EyesOnThePies · 25/01/2023 09:59

Of course you still support a 19 year old, still finding their feet.

Beware men who are competitive of their partner’s sons. It’s likely to be alpha male behaviour, getting rid of the young male in the den. Like in the Lion King.

Lots of teenage young men in a homeless project I worked with left home because mum’s new partner bullied them or put pressure on the mum to oust her son.

Why wouldn’t your DP see your son as your family, someone most dear and precious to you, and want to contribute as a supportive role model, with kindness and encouragement?

Big Red Flag, OP.

Do not let this man come between you and your relationship with your son.